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Tender hearted Misery

Updated on March 28, 2010

A few years ago I belonged to an online community that was spiritual in origin. This community was established so that those of like mind could elucidate and find commonality with others of like mind. I began my blogging in this community and over time was happy to connect with people from all over the world. Along with the good that came from this sort of community however, would inevitably come some not so pleasant. And I mean really unpleasant.

I chatted with a few contacts over the telephone and also found some who had some mental health issues. What made it so difficult was that most of the contacts I had difficulty with were women. They appeared to be friendly and approachable and very kind, and then one day, they turned into something unrecognizable. Some of them were bitter and nasty, while others merely just "dropped me" without a word. It was clearly a house cleaning event for them. What made this even more difficult was the surreptitious way they simply vanished. It made no sense.
I know many people leave communities totally, but this was not the case. I would see them now and again on the boards and wonder what the hell I had done wrong. One of them told me they had "changed" and so I was not longer of value to them. I often wondered if this is how women break up with the men in their lives they no longer wish to deal with. There is something suspicious about these sort of endings. One never knows the reasoning behind the motivation of said people, and some people would merely let is slide off their backs. I, on the other hand, tend to lament over what it was I might have done to injure someone enough to have them de-friend me.

Call me a tenderhearted slob, but I work very hard to remain balance and be kind in my dealings. I think that I am extremely tolerant, especially of people who are diametrically opposed to any ideas I may have. I do not try and find fault with others proclivities, and feel as though all of us have good and bad character flaws. But to see this happen makes me wish to know what I may have done so I can learn from it and become a better person. After all, I am only a work in progress, and life is difficult at best when it comes to maintaining relationships.

One of the women who had de-friended me found me on another website and wrote me a long and interesting note about what had happened. It appears that one of the other women convinced her that I was not a person worthy of being a friend. She apologized for her actions, and I have noticed this person is not in her life anymore either. Perhaps there are just toxic people who like to spend their lives injuring others for no good reason. Which brings me to another interesting question:

Are internet friendships worth their weight? Are they facades and not reality? Having had this experience, I would be quick to agree to these questions, except I have met so many people in the flesh that I had first met online that it showed me that for the most part they are definitely worth engaging in and often the people are even more supportive than some who live even closer in proximity.

I have to remember that there will always be those who do not like us, who change their minds about who they wish to spend "time" with, and who feel we are not who they may have envisoned us to be. But we must remain true to ourselves and our beliefs, and not change those things that are fundamental to our own authentic lives.

That being said, my tender heart has many patches sewn on it, and many breaks glued together as to be a person of great sensitivity and empathy makes for a lousy dumpee! All I can do is the best I can do and so I move along lifes road on purpose, and hope I do not step on the hearts of others in my own life's journey.


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    • Violet Flame profile image

      Violet Flame 7 years ago from Auckland, NZ

      Hi Aley xo

      Very nice hub, Aley, it's easy to feel your heart through your words. I guess the internet is just another playground and classroom for us to master our lessons and strengthen our spirit. Even cyber relationships are just signposts showing us where we still have issues and room to improve within ourselves, ie, fear of rejection, need for approval...etc. The more love you gift to yourself, the less hurt you'll suffer at others' hands. Blessings xo glad to bump into your hub, lol, hope you'll come and visit mine, then we could have a cup of nice tea and a small cake...^^

    • Aley Martin profile image

      Alice Lee Martin 7 years ago from Sumner, Washington,USA

      Thanks...I have detached...but it is nice to know others are supportive.


    • Pamela99 profile image

      Pamela Oglesby 7 years ago from United States

      Aley, I would have to agree with Sage - like minded, shallow women. They really aren't worth your time and I think there are a lot of nice people in some internet groups. Good hub.

    • Aley Martin profile image

      Alice Lee Martin 7 years ago from Sumner, Washington,USA

      many thanks....I do so appreciate your words.

    • Sage Williams profile image

      Sage Williams 7 years ago

      I have had similar experiences in my life. This is what I have to offer. Like minded, shallow women, It's their loss not yours. Don't waste your energy.

      Great job, I really enjoyed it,


    • Aley Martin profile image

      Alice Lee Martin 7 years ago from Sumner, Washington,USA

      Namaste and thanks to you Deborah

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 7 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Aley, what a beautifully written and expressive hub. I really appreciate your writing style. As for the content, I couldn't agree with you more. It is a sad indictment on humanity that we must sometimes guard our hearts against hurt from people who are not what they appear. We are all on a learning path, sometimes the lessons are hard, and painfully learned. Sometimes the lessons are sweet and beautifully learned. I hope you have many beautiful lessons in your future.


    • profile image

      Su Swanne 7 years ago

      As we spoke about it yesterday, dear Sis, getting dumped, whether in person or online or through an email generally leaves a lot of gaps in communication about the reasons. All the same it's painful, and it's almost always the other person's issues. I once wrote a snail mail to a friend I met online and asked her to not call me anymore or send me gifts. I tried to explain that I felt 'invaded' and that she took too much of my precious energy. She was a needy person, living vicariously through my adventures. I knew she wouldn't take it well, and even though I was open to emails, I've never received any correspondence from her since. It was my need to 'drop' her, not really anything that was 'wrong' with her - she was doing the best she knew how. And in terms of recent events in my life, the 'other' is also doing the best he knows how - it's his path to learn.

    • Aley Martin profile image

      Alice Lee Martin 7 years ago from Sumner, Washington,USA

      Thanks gents.

    • Mentalist acer profile image

      Mentalist acer 7 years ago from A Voice in your Mind!

      Loved and lost,what is the cost?

    • keithb7862 profile image

      keithb7862 7 years ago from Seattle

      I concur with De Greek, "The ones who are attuned to your own way of thinking will stick around and be a source of pleasure. The others, well... wish them well."

      Communication via the medium of social networking is an evolving art form and is still very much in its infancy, considering now long we have been using symbols (the written word) to convey thoughts and feelings. Misunderstandings and miscommunication plague us all.

    • De Greek profile image

      De Greek 7 years ago from UK

      "to have them de-friend me"...:-) What a nice phrase.

      People are generally nice. They are also trained to react to perceptions, very often wrongly, so tehy make mistakes. It's not the end of the world. The ones who are attuned to your own way of thinking will stick around and be a source of pleasure. The others, well... wish them well :-)

    • Aley Martin profile image

      Alice Lee Martin 7 years ago from Sumner, Washington,USA

      oh dear....although it is comforting to know ...

    • kaja_mel profile image

      kaja_mel 7 years ago from Saraland, AL

      I have been there too. Are you sure you weren't writing about me? Great writing, thumbs up, and know there is someone out here that completely understands.

    • Aley Martin profile image

      Alice Lee Martin 7 years ago from Sumner, Washington,USA

      Thanks woolman. I appreciate your words, God bless you too!

    • profile image

      woolman60 7 years ago

      wow, this is an awesome hub, by reading this I truly believe that you as a person are true to the heart, and can be a true friend among friends, god bless you.