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Tender hearted Misery
A few years ago I belonged to an online community that was spiritual in origin. This community was established so that those of like mind could elucidate and find commonality with others of like mind. I began my blogging in this community and over time was happy to connect with people from all over the world. Along with the good that came from this sort of community however, would inevitably come some not so pleasant. And I mean really unpleasant.
I chatted with a few contacts over the telephone and also found some who had some mental health issues. What made it so difficult was that most of the contacts I had difficulty with were women. They appeared to be friendly and approachable and very kind, and then one day, they turned into something unrecognizable. Some of them were bitter and nasty, while others merely just "dropped me" without a word. It was clearly a house cleaning event for them. What made this even more difficult was the surreptitious way they simply vanished. It made no sense.
I know many people leave communities totally, but this was not the case. I would see them now and again on the boards and wonder what the hell I had done wrong. One of them told me they had "changed" and so I was not longer of value to them. I often wondered if this is how women break up with the men in their lives they no longer wish to deal with. There is something suspicious about these sort of endings. One never knows the reasoning behind the motivation of said people, and some people would merely let is slide off their backs. I, on the other hand, tend to lament over what it was I might have done to injure someone enough to have them de-friend me.
Call me a tenderhearted slob, but I work very hard to remain balance and be kind in my dealings. I think that I am extremely tolerant, especially of people who are diametrically opposed to any ideas I may have. I do not try and find fault with others proclivities, and feel as though all of us have good and bad character flaws. But to see this happen makes me wish to know what I may have done so I can learn from it and become a better person. After all, I am only a work in progress, and life is difficult at best when it comes to maintaining relationships.
One of the women who had de-friended me found me on another website and wrote me a long and interesting note about what had happened. It appears that one of the other women convinced her that I was not a person worthy of being a friend. She apologized for her actions, and I have noticed this person is not in her life anymore either. Perhaps there are just toxic people who like to spend their lives injuring others for no good reason. Which brings me to another interesting question:
Are internet friendships worth their weight? Are they facades and not reality? Having had this experience, I would be quick to agree to these questions, except I have met so many people in the flesh that I had first met online that it showed me that for the most part they are definitely worth engaging in and often the people are even more supportive than some who live even closer in proximity.
I have to remember that there will always be those who do not like us, who change their minds about who they wish to spend "time" with, and who feel we are not who they may have envisoned us to be. But we must remain true to ourselves and our beliefs, and not change those things that are fundamental to our own authentic lives.
That being said, my tender heart has many patches sewn on it, and many breaks glued together as to be a person of great sensitivity and empathy makes for a lousy dumpee! All I can do is the best I can do and so I move along lifes road on purpose, and hope I do not step on the hearts of others in my own life's journey.