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Superhero Smackdown: The Adventures of Fatman

Updated on February 9, 2015

Superhero Smackdown: The Adventures of Fatman

Back at his headquarters, a side room at the nearby fast food restaurant, Fatman is chomping down on a burger as he winds down from another exciting adventure. After finishing five hamburgers, three containers of fries, ten sodas and two triple brownie sundaes, Fatman hobbles out on to the street and walks home. It can take Fatman a long time to walk home some times, even though his house is only five hundred feet from his headquarters- it's not just fun and games being four hundred pounds. Of course, since it takes him so long to walk home, this presents a serious disadvantage for Fatman, especially since he forgot to take off his official superhero "Fatman" suit. Everybody knows who he is. Thankfully for Fatman however, nobody ever asks him anything when standing straight in front of him for fear that he will knock them over with his belly, as he is 3 feet wide front to back. Still, Fatman has to put up with the regular badgering by adoring fans standing on his sides asking for autographs- that he can't hear because of a condition he has where his hearing goes away when somebody asks him for something, and then miraculously his hearing can come back within seconds. This condition he has been told would make marriage quite easy for him, but despite everybody's advice he has remained a bachelor. And there is the regular following of 400 pound women asking him to marry them that he ignores as usual and can barely hear because they are sort of asking for something. "Some people just don't realize how ugly 400 pound people look," thinks Fatman.

Fatman makes it home, opens the door and tries to enter the house- but, as usual get stuck in his doorway. "I've got to get the landlord to widen this doorway," he says. After getting himself unstuck, Fatman, shuts the door and locks it with a triple padlock before sinking onto his heavy duty titanium reinforced mattress. Fatman Is quite tired from the stress he put on his body today- stopping the supervillains, saving the day, walking down the street, standing up- and snores away for eleven hours. He awakes in the middle of delta phase sleep when his superhero senses tell him that trouble is afoot- he can feel the Trouble Notification Waves bouncing off of his belly fat. The adrenaline starts running immediately. 'Perhaps Ratman is behind the trouble again,' he thinks- but then, he has an epiphany! "It must be Catman trying to impress Catwoman by robbing a bank at gunpoint!," he exclaims,"I knew he was up to something when I saw him writing notes while looking in the Central Town Bank's window and concealing a 38mm pistol yesterday" After taking a couple minutes to pull himself out of bed, which is one of his biggest difficulties every morning and what he considers his morning exercise, Fatman, who very conveniently never took off his "Fatman" superhero outfit before going to bed yesterday is out the door- after getting himself unstuck after his first attempt to leave the house got him caught in his doorway- and is on his way. "'I'm so hungry," he says," but I am going to lose enough time just trying to run the scene of the crime." After getting to the town bank in only fifteen minutes with only three breaks to catch his breath in between, Fatman now peers in the window and can see the crime in progress. "It is Catman!" he exclaims, "my trusty superpowers were right!" Fatman now tries the doors and realizes that Catman forgot to lock the door. "For such a supervillain, he doesn't have such a super brain!" exclaims Fatman. But Catman is so busy trying to steal every dollar that he can that he does not even notice Fatman. Fatman tries to get into the bank as inconspicuously as he can. Once in the bank, Fatman sees Catman with a bag of loot walking into an open vault to empty all the safety deposit boxes. "i'd love to save the day here," says Fatman,"but first I think that I need to take a pitstop......now where is the bathroom in this place?..." After locating the bathroom, he tries to get in, but finds it locked. "I've got to go now!" says Fatman,"it's been twenty days since I last had an accident in my pants....wait, maybe Catman was trying to lure me here to make me embarrass myself...." As he turns to try to find somewhere else to relieve himself- at this point, a fake tree next to the assistant manager's desk would do just fine- his belly hits the bathroom door, and slams the door open. "Now this makes things really easy," says Fatman. As he is relieving himself, he notices that the bank employees are all tied up and sitting on the ground in the bathroom. "I'm sorry, but I can't untie you guys yet..."says Fatman, "I have to go fight Catman now, but I have to admit, he wasn't so bad to you guys...it's not like he locked you out of the bathroom or something..." Fatman now tries to sneak up on Catman as he is emptying out safe drawers in the vault, but accidentally bumps into a table with his belly and knocks the flower vase off, shattering it on the floor and also making a lot of noise. Catman hears this and turns from emptying out safe drawers...and he spots Fatman! With multiple loot bags in hand, Catman tries to run out of the safe and get out before he can get caught. Unfortunately for Fatman, he was not even able to make it to the safe yet as it can take a long time to get place sometimes for him, and Catman runs out of the vault, right past Fatman and goes right out the door. "I have to try to catch him," says Fatman. Within seconds, Catman is out of sight and Fatman is out of breath. "I'll come back and untie you guys later," says Fatman to the tied up bank employees,"but for now, I must go find Catman." Unfortunately for Fatman, his pal, "Not-So- Super-Man can't help right now, because it is morning and he has not yet gotten off from work- "Not-So-Super-Man" is a night shift janitor at the local supermarket. At 5' 9" and with only a small potbelly compared to Fatman, he can run much better and faster and with less breaks in between than Fatman can. (Fatman considers his buddy "Not-So-Super-Man" quite the physical specimen).

Fatman scurries out of the bank, but at this point, Catman has disappeared. But then-wait!-he spots Catman on the roof of the building across the street! Climbing buildings is hard work when you are 400 pounds, so Fatman decides to pursue him by following his rooftop movements from the ground below. As Catman runs and jumps from roof to roof, Fatman tries to keep up with him by running next to the buildings where Catman is on top of. Unfortunately, Catman soon dusts Fatman and is truly out of sight.

Fatman can no longer handle it. Catman is now out of sight, and Fatman is ravenously hungry since he has been awake for nearly an hour and has not yet eaten breakfast. "I'll catch Catman later," says Fatman," for now, I want to eat." Fatman goes to the fast food restaurant where he keeps his headquarters and gets himself a few burgers and a couple containers of fries and a cup of soda- with some refills, too. Now replenished, he can get back to fighting crime!

Fatman walks down to the bank where Catman robbed just an hour or so ago, looking to see if Catman returned, but he has not. So Fatman now sets out in search of Catman...but pauses, since he also forgot to dispose of one of his empty fries containers from breakfast, so he dumps it on the street and continues his search for Catman. From prior experiences with Catman, he knows that like any stray cat, Catman likes hanging out in nasty allies with trash cans. So he starts walking up some alleys to see if he can find him.

On his way, he notices somebody holding somebody else at gunpoint. But he's too busy fighting crime, so he has no time to turn aside and see what is going on.

"Just wait 'til I get my hands on you this time, Catman," he says to himself.

The trail has run cold, and Catman is nowhere to be found. After a while, Fatman abandons his search for Catman because all the walking up and down streets and alleyways has made him tired carrying around his 400 pound body.

As he is walking down Main Street returning home, Fatman sees Not-so-Super-Man walking down the street! He just got off work at the supermarket! Fatman tells Not-So-Super-Man everything that happened that morning. "What should we do?," asks Fatman. "I don't know," says Not-So-Super-Man," you're the guy with the superpowers around here..."

In the meantime, Catman is still jumping from rooftop to rooftop, running out of the city. A police officer notices him and tries to stop him, but Catman bonks him with his fist so hard on the head that only the officer's torso remains visible to the eye above the roof, with his legs inside the roof now. He can't stop Catman as he jumps from roof to roof. So Catman continues to slip away. Once he's sure that nobody is looking and he is almost out of town, Catman climbs down from a building and starts running down alleyways. Unfortunately for Catman, without the birds-eye view on top of the buildings, he soon loses his way and ends up running back towards the center of the city all the while believing that he is leaving it.

Fatman's super theft detector powers suddenly start tingling! He can sense a theft going on! Fatman rushes as best he can to the scene, not that may would consider it very fast. Maybe it is Catman, he is thinking. His senses lead him to an office building and into an office. "Fatman to the rescue!," he announces as he bursts in. He finds out that his superpowers may have misled him. It is merely somebody getting investing advice from their financial adviser. 'Just another financial adviser giving investing advice,' he thinks,' for some reason, this kind of stuff sets off my theft sensors too often.' It is just a false alarm, not Catman.

Fatman exits the office building and starts walking home.

Fatman is hungry again, since it has been two whole hours since he last ate. He starts out for his favorite fast food restaurant, but he can't handle how long it is taking to get there. He spots a dumpster in an alleyway and starts trashpicking. He finds some leftover cherry pie and some regurgitated chicken. Now that he has had a snack he has the strength to get himself to the fast food restaurant. As he takes his head out from inside the dumpster, he notices Catman, who has lost his way, running by. Fatman gives chase, but not only can Fatman not keep up, but he trips and falls down. It takes ten minutes for him to get up, since he has to first crawl to somewhere where there is something for him to lean on to get himself off of the ground. "I don't know why I can't keep up with him," Fatman says to himself,"I thought that my diet of hamburgers and fries that I went on last month would have helped me drop some pounds..."

Fatman starts out again for his favorite fast food restaurant. It's hard being a superhero when you can't get food at any of the supermarkets because you bounced checks on them.

As he is on his way to his favorite fast food restaurant, his superpowers start tingling again. He can sense another robbery in progress! It must be Catman! His super senses lead him through streets and alleys on a direct route to where the robbery is going on. As he is going up an alley, he sees Catman holding lootbags talking to Catwoman. He stealthily walks toward them, trying not to make a noise, but trips and falls down on top of Catman who falls down on top of Catwoman. He has Catman and Catwoman captured! "Let...gasp..me go...gasp," says Catman. He is suffocating from having Fatman on top of him. Fatman calls the police and has Catman and Catwoman arrested and led away in handcuffs. "I am not at all impressed," Catwoman says to Catman as they are led away. "I can't believe the kind of stuff I am willing to do to impress a girl," says Catman to himself. At this point unfortunately, Fatman senses that the robbery that he was on his way just now to stop is no longer going on and with how long it takes him to get anywhere, he has no chance of finding out who did what. So he just has to forget about trying to stop the robbery that he had just sensed was in progress. "I'll find out about it in the news later," he says.

The bank employees who were tied up in the bathroom in the bank that was robbed by Catman earlier that day were discovered by a police detective five days later, untied, and set free.

COME BACK NEXT TIME WHEN CATMAN TRIES TO NEUTRALIZE FATMAN'S SUPERPOWERS WITH AN UNEXPECTED WEAPON!

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