My Sister Won the Belching Olympics in Gastric Freestyle
Belching in Her Genes
My sister Chris had a few gifts growing up that made her a marvel. They were natural talents, I guess you could say. She could make a mummy laugh; she could crawl up on a roof fearlessly to get a frisbee and jump down without a wince or harrumph. Her greatest talent, however, was belching. I know it's uncouth, especially for a girl, but I must say she was very impressive.
On my dad's side of the family, there was a lot of belching when we got together for special occasions. I found it so gross coming from my grandmother, aunts, and great grandmother. My mom was very proper. She never made gastrointestinal noises, at least not in front of us. I guess I took after Mom and Chris took after Dad's side of the family. She took to belching like a duck to water.
The Belching Olympics
One summer day we were out in front of some family friends' house drinking Coca-Cola. The three boys and Chris got to belching and decided to have a competition - the belching Olympics.
You know how when you were in school and you didn't perform well in sports so you never got picked for a team? That was me (except for baseball). It was also the case for the belching competition. But I did get to pick the starter though, so I chose Jeff.
Contestant # 1 - Jeff primed himself up with a few huge pulls on his coke, took some deep breaths, and let 'er rip. His belch was very impressive in length of time, but a little weak in volume. There was a gurgle or two, so not too bad.
Contestant # 2 - Jon went next. Talk about loud. He let 'er fly like a ball out of a cannon. It made a big boom, but he ran out of steam quickly.
Contestant #3 - I was standing too close to Jon, so I needed a towel. For this reason, they decided to reconsider and grant me a turn. Nothing but a mew - crashed and burned.
Contestant # 4 - My little sister Jamey was next. I could tell she'd been paying attention to Chris over the years because her belch was loud and strong. It wasn't impressive but well done for a little twerp.
Contestant # 5 - Jay, the youngest boy went next. He was a messy Belcher for sure. There was spray, gurgling, and a kind of barking sound at the end. This from a five-year-old.
Contestant # 6 - Chris was the last contender. So far, the competition had been stiff. "Your turn, Chris," I shouted. She was so confident in her gastric ability that she chose to walk up the steep hill in front of the boys' house and show off the true power of her talent. I had a stopwatch, and when the time was right I shouted: "Go, sis!"
The volume itself was like a sonic boom, and being on a hill, it carried over the whole neighborhood. We were all in a huddle watching the stopwatch. We thought she'd never stop. The stopwatch and the belch stopped at twenty-six seconds. A world record! Oh, I was so proud. Hands down Chris was the winner.
Meanwhile, the neighbors had come out to see what all the racket was. When they found out it was my sister's masterful belch, they applauded her earnestly. She took her bows and finished her coke. Suddenly we looked up and saw and smelled a small, pink, noxious, cloud hovering over the neighborhood. Whewy! She must have left that behind.
The Award Ceremony
Finally, it was the time for the award ceremony. Chris, of course, got the medal for Ultimate All Around Gastric Freestyle. She stood on a stool, put her hand over her heart and we all sang the national anthem.
The rest of the awards were as follows:
- 2nd - Jeff
- 3rd - Jay
- Honorable mention - Jamey and Jon.
- Participant - yours truly.
None one else got medals just the Christy Colbo nod of approval. She went down the line and shook each contestant's hand with an accompanied "Atta boy (or girl)." Did I happen to mention Chris has an oversized head too? But that's another competition.
Belching to New Heights
The belching Olympics we had that day served to encourage Chris to reach new heights with her gastric talent. With much practice, she was able to say sentences, then short paragraphs while belching. This went on to singing boogey-woogey, and different complicated meters and rhythms. Chris is now, shall we say, middle-aged, and though she's not a spring chicken anymore, she can belch any man I know under the table. It helps to stay sober. Beer slows you down, thus beer belches are not as powerful as soda pop belches.
When the family got together when my boys and niece and nephew were growing up, they would go up to Chris, let one fly right in her face and ask, "Was that a good one, Aunt Chris?" She didn't try to protect their delicate feelings. If the burps were lame, she said so; however, she would follow up with some practical tips to improve their skills. Sometimes she'd spend twenty-five minutes with them while we waited for the Thanksgiving turkey to finish roasting. She was such a good technical teacher. My husband and I, and my other sister Jamey started to worry at one point that she might actually start a class - Belching 101, with a syllabus, class handbook, and homework schedule. And of course, pop quizzes (no pun intended) and finals would probably be included. My kids told her what we were worried about, and a light went on in her eyes, "Wow, that's a great idea. Maybe I should." But Jamey and I convinced her that math and history would have to come first for our children. Unless they planned to become gastroenterologists when they grew up, they would need academic prerequisites first. She didn't take it too hard. She had a husband who was a willing student. I must say, he's pretty darn good too.
Inside the Belching Studio
All kidding, embellishment, and exaggeration aside, the really strange thing about Chris is that she has always been very feminine. She likes fine clothes, has her hair and nails done regularly, and men and women alike find her charming, attractive, and funny. When we were in high school, she went to all the proms, got all the boyfriends, and was very popular, in spite of her penchant for belching. I guess it amused them. Chris has been a businesswoman at the same company for over 30 years, has a college degree, and has been a faithful and adoring wife to her husband Steve for 38 years. She loves her nieces and nephews, and they adore her. She's still got chutzpah and a sense of humor that is, shall we say, unique. She entertains us no end. One thing no one can deny, Chris has intestinal fortitude. Truth be told, I think it's time for a belching reality show starring Chris. We could call it Inside the Belching Studio. What do you think?
Dressed for a belching workout
Not for the prim and proper or faint of heart
Excuse Me Please
Excuse me please
if I was rude
It was not me
it was my food
It got so lonely
It just came up
to say hello
© 2012 Lori Colbo