The Best Teacher Jokes
Teachers are an inspiration. They reputedly get paid peanuts, we joke about them, we play practical jokes on them, call them names and they are still queuing up to give of their best for us, and to teach us, inspire us and help us build a future for ourselves. Teachers are the best, but I’m still going to crack jokes about them.
The Studious Child
A couple was worried about their son losing interest in math at the school he was in. He used to be a straight A student but since they moved there a year ago, his math grades have been consistently dropping.
They’d heard good things about the local catholic school, and after the teacher called to say that their son had missed school for the second day in a row, they decided to give the catholic school a try.
As he walked in the door after his first day at the new school, his mother asked him how the new school was working out.
“Okay,” he said. And without another word, he went up to his room and closed the door.
The mother was concerned as her son would share everything with her and wondered if he was unhappy in the new school. The catholic nuns are known to be quite strict and her son was a little rebellious, so she wondered if he was up in his room sulking.
She quietly went up to his room and sneaked a peek through the door. He was seated diligently at his desk, doing his homework. He was so engrossed in the task at hand that he didn’t bother to acknowledge her presence, or shoo her away as he normally would.
This was repeated every day for the rest of the year. At the end of the year, the son brought home his report card. He got straight As, and his teacher even wrote that he was a very hardworking student.
His parents were curious and asked him what changed his mind about studying as his grades had improved tremendously at the catholic school.
“Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw this figure of a guy nailed to a plus sign hanging at the top of the wall at the front of the classroom. I figured that that’s what is going to happen to anybody who didn’t study, and decided that I wanted to study.”
Longitude and Latitude
The teacher of the geography class likes to relate his lessons to the real world as much as possible. After teaching about latitude, longitude, degrees, minutes and seconds, he decided that it would be a good idea to relate all that to the real world.
“I’ll meet all of you for lunch at 1 degree, 20 minutes and 3.41 seconds north latitude and 103 degrees, 51 minutes and 3.93 seconds east longitude, at 1 pm today.”
Heads were bowed, brows were furrowed, and fingers were furiously typing into calculators. After 10 minutes, the bell rang,
“All right!” the teacher said. “I’ll see you all for lunch soon.”
A hand went up and a confused voice spoke up, “I think you are going to be eating alone, sir.”
The Non-Existent Chair
It had been a very long and interesting semester. For the final exam, the philosophy professor decided on only one question, and it was such a short question that he didn’t even bother to print any exam papers.
When the class was seated, the professor placed a chair in front of the class and wrote on the blackboard, “Using everything that you know, using what you have learnt in this class and other classes, and what you have learnt in life, prove that the chair in front of you does not exist.”
There were many smiles in the class, some were scratching their head, some just stared blankly into space, and some started furiously scribbling into their foolscap papers.
Some went into physics, talking about how everything is 99.99% empty space, and therefore so was the chair. What exists is not the chair, but simply the form of the chair. Some went the route of “if a tree falls in the forest and nobody is there to hear it, it does not make a sound”, arguing that we give the chair existence, and that it can’t exist by itself. Some even claimed that everything is a dream and that nothing exists, and when the dreamer wakes up, everything will wink out of existence.
One student thought for a full five minutes, wrote something on his foolscap paper, and was out of the class in six minutes flat.
Four weeks later, the grades were posted on the school notice board. There were a couple of As and Ds, but most scored a B or a C. The highest scorer got an A+, and amazingly, it was the student who walked out of the class in six minutes flat.
When his classmates asked him about his exceptional grade when he hardly wrote anything in his paper, he answered, ”By arguing that the chair did not exist, you actually gave validity and substance to its existence. You should have simply ignored the chair.”
His answer to the professor’s question was, “What chair?”
Toilet Papered Car
Miss Morgan was on the warpath when she stepped into class that day. Some mischievous students had toilet papered her car the previous night and it rained later that night. She woke up to find her car and her driveway turned into a soggy mess of toilet paper that morning.
“If there are any idiots in this class, will they please stand up?” was the first thing that she said. Her eyes were flaming and her fists were clenched, and she was ready to pounce on any student stupid enough to incur her wrath.
The room was silent. All eyes were turned down and nobody dared to meet her gaze.
“I say again. All idiots in this class, stand up!”
One brave soul slowly stood up and Miss Morgan swiftly walked to where he was standing and asked, “So, you are the idiot who toilet papered my car?”
“No, Miss Morgan,” the student meekly replied. “But you just seem so lonely standing up all by yourself.”
Mindy, the Tour Guide
A family who just moved into a new neighbourhood overslept one morning. The school bus had already come and gone so daddy had to drive eight-year-old Mindy to school.
The father had only driven between his office and the neighbourhood and so had no idea how to drive to his daughter’s school. He was about to consult the street directory when her daughter said she would tell him how to get to her school as she had gone there four times that week.
Mindy was a rather precocious eight-year-old with an astounding memory so her father thought that he was in good hands.
They got into the car and she started giving him directions. “Turn left here,” she said. “Turn right, daddy.”
And so it went on for the next 30 minutes. Mindy seemed to know where she was going, but she seemed to be taking every turn and side street that she can. Although he was already late for work, the father was curious as to where Mindy was leading him.
Finally, 30 minutes later, they arrived at her school. The school was just at the edge of the neighbourhood, and the father knew that it would only take him five minutes from home, without taking every turn and side street that Mindy did.
So he asked Mindy why she took the long way and she replied, “Daddy, that’s the way the school bus takes, and that’s the only way I know.”
A new math teacher in a rural community asked her class, “If you have 12 sheep and 6 of them jumped over the fence, how many sheep would you have left?”
The local community is mostly involved in the rearing of sheep for their wool, so the teacher thought that by relating the math problem to sheep, she would make it more interesting and the pupils could identifying with the problem better.
Many hands went up and she called on Kenny. “You would have no sheep left,” he declared emphatically. She then called on Mary and surprisingly, Mary gave the same answer that Kenny did.
“Class, look here.” She drew 12 sheep on her blackboard, crossed out 6 of them and asked the class, “How many sheep do you have left?”
“Six sheep,” the class chanted in unison.
“So, if you have 12 sheep and 6 of them jumped over the fence, how many sheep would you have left?” The teacher made sure that when she said “12 sheep”, she pointed to the 12 sheep on her blackboard, and when she said “6 sheep”, she pointed to the 6 sheep that she crossed out.
“No sheep,” the class chanted, again in unison.
The teacher threw up her hands in frustration. “Why would have no sheep left when only 6 of them jumped over the fence? You all really don’t know your math.”
“No, teacher,” a pupil volunteered, “you don’t know your sheep. When one sheep jumps over the fence, all the sheep will jump over the fence.”