- Books, Literature, and Writing»
- Commercial & Creative Writing»
- Creative Writing»
- Humor Writing
The Butt Bandit of Valentine, Nebraska
Some news stories are just too good to pass up...
Our story takes place in the city of Valentine, Nebraska...two square miles in area with a population of roughly 2600 people, give or take. This city is famous for such things as:
- Nicknamed "America's Heart City"
- Participates in an annual re-mailing program where thousands of pieces of mail flow into the local U.S. Post Office so that they can be re-mailed with a special Valentine's Day postmark and verse.
- Listed in 2007 National Geographic Adventure Magazine as one of the ten best wilderness towns and cities
- The fictional character, Becky Donaldson, from the TV show Full House, was a native of Valentine
- Home of the "Butt Bandit"
Any city would be proud to have such a fine list of accomplishments and recognition...with the exception, perhaps, of item number five.
Boudreaux's Butt Paste
Author's interpretation of possible "Next Step" scenario
Who is this mysterious "Butt Bandit" and what has he done to earn such an ignoble title?
While most vandals are content with tagging a surface with spray paint, or just committing an act of indiscriminate destruction, this unique criminal mind chooses to leave his mark in a more interesting fashion. As America's Heart City sleeps, Mr. Bandit wreaks havoc upon the unsuspecting city by slathering his butt and genitalia with Vaseline or body lotion before pressing himself against the innocent windows of churches, hotels, schools and other businesses. From what I've read, he is quite good at it and has left some rather detailed impressions on the local establishments.
According to a Ms. Kalli Kieborz who works at one downtown building, "We were completely grossed out. You could, like, see the whole package!"
Although most citizens are secretly amused by the cheeky culprit and agree that the wrongdoing is more disgusting than destructive, there is at least one man who is taking this matter most seriously. Police Chief Ben McBride, with a wad of chew in his mouth, doesn't even crack a smile when talking about this case. "This is the weirdest case I've ever seen," he states. "It's not funny," he continues," and we're worried about the next step."
Although there has been no physical damage to date, the very nature of the prints could lead to a charge of indecent exposure at the very least. The police chief wonders though. If this person continues to get away with leaving his mark, where will it end? McBride already suspects that he is no longer dealing with just one perpetrator and that perhaps there are in fact copycat butt bandits roaming around his beloved city.
Perhaps the culprit is an alien!
How Hard Can It Be...
"It's just a weird deal, but it's weird enough to cause a little bit of concern," pondered the Valentine Police Chief, "Who in their right mind would do something like this?"
Although no one has reported seeing this vandal in action, the local constabulary does have one clue in its possession...a blurry photo caught by a surveillance camera at the middle school last year. The man is described as somewhere between 6 foot and 6 foot 3 inches with a slender build. He also has dark hair styled in a "1980's feathered look."
The crime spree actually began in the spring of 2007 with a strike against the window of a Methodist church. At the time, the police chief figured it was just a high school prank, but was soon forced to stake out the building after further assaults.
Despite rewards offered through Crime Stoppers, the pants-dropping perpetrator continued to wreak havoc. By mid-October of 2007, McBride had fielded about twenty reports. The local Midland News newspaper began referring to the vandal(s) as "lewd, lubricated, lurching lunatics," almost as if they believed their city was under attack by mindless miscreant zombies with a penchant for messy mooning.
This looks pretty painful...and it's just a tongue!
And then...it stopped. Well, at least for the fall and winter. This makes complete sense to me for several reasons. It couldn't possibly be a pleasant sensation to plant your privates against a cold plate glass window, for one. Secondly, since the bandit is rather proud of his mark, leaving a "smaller" signature would be rather embarrassing. And lastly...well, we all know what happens when you place your tongue against a frozen surface. I can just imagine the mortification one would feel to be discovered the following morning, glued by your tender bits to the front window of Miss Suzie's Cut n' Curl. Try explaining yourself out of THAT.
"People said he was done," McBride says, "Then he started back up this summer."
Not only did he return, but his crimes had indeed become more brazen. In a single night, virtually all of the windows at the local hotel were imprinted with the Butt Bandit logo.
The chief also has a new ally in his camp...Cherry County Attorney, Eric Scott, who also doesn't find anything remotely humorous about the derriere delinquent. "It's a malicious act," Scott says, "that will be prosecuted once the person is apprehended. This is not normal behavior for Valentine. It's not funny or something people want to be exposed to."
"We would like to find the guy because you'd like to see what the intent is," McBride elucidated, "Was it pranking or something more?"
The sidewalks of Valentine, Nebraska
This is a very good question. Let us delve deeper into the mind of the Butt Bandit, shall we? What motive could he possibly have for slinking around in the dead of night, smothering his privates in goo and leaving his prints for posterity to puzzle over?
For this, we need to take a closer look at the city of Valentine...self-promoted as we have previously stated as "America's Heart City." Everywhere one looks, obvious examples of the city's pride in its status are evident. Upon entering the municipality, one is treated to a view of a giant heart touting this prestigious position. There are hearts on the street signs and hearts painted on the very sidewalks themselves.
Exhibit Number One
Exhibit Number Two
Now, let us consider the trademark of the Butt Bandit. If viewed from the correct position, is it not rather heart-shaped? To prove my point, I've included for your perusal, Exhibits One and Two that support this not unreasonable assumption. Even nature has proven most cooperative in illustrating how butts and hearts are very much alike.
In Exhibits Three and Four, the likeness of the butt is also seen in the epitome of innocence...the cookie. You don't think they actually make a "butt-shaped" cookie cutter do you? Of course not. And why should they when with the mere snip of a pair of kitchen scissors can render a sugar cookie into a rather tasty piece of ass?
But what about the "package" prints you ask? How on earth could those be excused? Why, it's very simple actually and once I have explained it, you will probably slap yourself in the forehead and say, "Duh!" Not only is the Butt Bandit expressing his pride in his city with his unique contribution to the local art...but he also is a punster, a master of the innuendo. What could be better than leaving a "hard-on" every window...?
Rather than vilifying the Butt Bandit, the local residents should be applauding his efforts to promote what their city is famous for...hearts.