Free Beer Tomorrow and No More Now

I should like to put the case that if there is no such thing as 'free beer tomorrow', then neither is there any such thing as now - and, 'as I write', I shall explain why.

However, conversely, I should also point out, that if we are to accept that there is such a thing as now, we should also accept 'free beer tomorrow', which is the sort of thing I would always accept without any exception.

Now, (or thereabouts) this computer advises me that I'm using clichés every time I write an expression (all right a cliché!) like, 'at the moment', instead of the word now. Yet, the trouble I have with writing the word now instead of one of its clichés, is that it takes too much time to speak it, or write it, before it’s not now any more. Therefore, the answer to my dilemma might be in finding a suitable cliché - despite the meddling of this computer.

One might say, (especially if one is a member of the Royal Family) that from the split second that one starts to convey the thought now, the now that one was referring to has now become then, and therefore now is no longer the appropriate word to use, to convey what one intended to say. (I wouldn’t say it like that in the pub, if I were you.) It’s a bit like when the pub promises 'free beer tomorrow', which is one thing I wouldn’t complain about regardless of the semantics, even if tomorrow ever did come. (Just let me know if that happens, and we can renegotiate now - but not yet; I want to see the free beer first. Then who cares?)

No More Now

Nevertheless, returning to now, (or a suitable cliché) - I shall now prove to you that now is a word, which should never be used for the only use it’s ever used for, for the reasons I’ve already alluded to. With the understanding, however, that I can’t actually do it now, as now is never now for long enough to be what it sets out to be.

To clarify, (that’s assuming that it isn't clear enough already) let’s accept, for the sake of argument, (which I always find acceptable), that it is now, now. My point is that it's not the same now that it was, when I first started to write the first now, which, to elucidate, was the one I wrote just before the second now, which was just after the o and the w of the first now. Both of these you’ll find in between the n of the first now and the n of the second now, which was written just after I wrote the first now, which started to convey the thought, but kept getting too far ahead of itself, to be fit for purpose.

A Suitable Cliché

The cliché, 'at present', is a slightly less time consuming way of saying now than 'at the moment'. However, the word now, having only one syllable - is quicker to write or say, than either - and if now can’t keep up with itself, we can hardly expect either of those two to perform any better.

I will suggest however, that the clichés, ‘as we speak’ and ‘as I write’ are more appropriate than the clichés ‘at the moment’ or ‘at present’. Yet unfortunately, I can think of a few people who can speak ad nauseam, and I don’t doubt that their writing is just as nauseous. In fact, it’s hard to get these sorts of people to stop talking, once they’ve started. Therefore, those two clichés would make scant better substitutes for now, as they might have to keep on substituting for now, for a very long time - or, at least as long as the waffling goes on, or, for all the time it takes for the irritating, blabbering boggers to go hoarse. I might add however, that they can do that as soon as they like, for my liking; now, being as good a time as any time. That’s if any time such as now, should ever manage to catch up with itself.

In summation therefore, and contrary to the advice of this computer, I should suggest that any of the aforementioned clichés, are better than the word now itself, for conveying more accurately its intended meaning - thus, ‘as we speak’, should mean all the time the speaker is speaking. ‘At present’, should mean all the time that the conveyer of the thought is handing out presents - obviously. (Let me know when that happens.) Whereas, ‘at the moment’ is a cliché, according to this computer, which means now - which, as I’ve already proven, herewith, is not an appropriate word to use, as it doesn’t give itself long enough, to be itself, before it’s off somewhere else being something it can’t wait not to be. Therefore, ‘as I wrote’, I rested my case - and I’ll see you in the pub tomorrow.
© amillar 2011