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26 Rules to Abide By During A News Conference and/or Life in General

Updated on March 27, 2017

In honor of how cyclonically exhausted I am, here is a list of words I made during what I ascertain to be a journalistic class I had sometime between now and yesterday. Enjoy!

1. Don't be an asshole.

2. Don't hog the free turkey clubs and Vitamin Water.

3. Don't ask Paul Giamatti about his voice.

4. Don't expect to win a Golden Globe every time you take a shit.

5. Don't jump off Ayers Rock and assume the pillow factory will save your life.

6. Don't attend funerals just to steal the golf pencils from the pews.

7. Don't invite zombies to dinner if you're serving flan.

8. Don't hire anyone but me.

9. Don't run a marathon in Belgium with a French horn.

10. Don't acknowledge the fact that Björk exists.

11. Don't have anal sex with the mayor's clarinet.

12. Don't offer Mila Kunis a free quesadilla.

13. Don't hide you pie recipes in the spooky bale of alfalfa.

14. Don't play Mouse Trap with Skeletor after he takes his vicodin.

15. Don't translate Stephen King novels into Romanian at a Starbuck's.

16. Don't elect any candidate with less than three toes.

17. Don't squeeze anything that cannot pay you later.

18. Don't exude happiness unless I can punch you in the face.

19. Don't name anyone 'Glenn' and expect your car to be intact two years later.

20. Don't smoke crystal meth without reading The Brothers Karamazov first.

21. Don't join the faculty darts team if you have a full rectum.

22. Don't watch The Silence of the Lambs with an erection lasting more than four hours.

23. Don't buy a Mama Cass album and a box of Twinkies at the same time.

24. Don't listen to modern rap music with a rifle in your left hand.

25. Don't major in Jewish studies if onions make you cry.

26. Don't shoot a doughnut salesman in the eyebrow at a Cleveland Browns game.

I'm serious.

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