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The Cycle of Depression: A Narrative of A Depressed Person Going Through Major Bad Times

Updated on March 14, 2014
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The Cycle of Depression: A Narrative

For the record, I wrote this in 2005 while going through a bad time. I don't feel like this anymore; I just wanted to share so others can know that life gets better!

Today I feel like I am very close to rock bottom. I had a long day today and it did not go well. I'm going nuts. I am so sad that it hurts. I know that I shouldn't, but I look at old pictures and I become extremely nostalgic. I really miss her. I miss what we had when things were good. I am addicted to her. It is a codependent, unhealthy relationship. And even though I know; I don't care. I just want to be with her and be happy. I know that this can't be and then eats me alive. I am truly hurting.

I watched the Oprah show today and a guy named James Prey was on. He wrote a book called, “A Million Little Pieces”, which is a dramatic account of him overcoming drug and alcohol abuse. I immediately went out to buy the book, but of course, they were all sold out.

I think of her every waking moment. I wish we could go for another walk in the woods, watch another movie, and spend another night together. I long to hold her-to kiss her soft, sweet lips. We are such a chemistry that is magnetic. It feels like destiny – our souls wrap around each other during our intimacy. The day I left I was miserable. As usual, the first thing I did was go to a bar. That day was one of the worst days in my life. I can't recall it crystal clear. While it was at the bar with a good buzz on, I wrote the following on a series of napkins:

“This is my letter. This is the testimony that will last forever. I fear the inside… If you should find this, know that this was neither my calling nor my vocation. I have been deprived of my right – and so will they – we always are. Nobody knows what I have seen, what I have heard. It is power lifting for my heart; too much stress. I can't concede that I could have done better if given a better chance. I have used up my chances; always unaware and not knowing. Yet, at the same level, I could have walked away. It is too easy to blur love and emotion and turning into bad situations. Whoever said, "no love lost", never really truly loved.

This is not a journey – it is a warpath waiting for the next landmine to explode under my feet. But it's my fault as I knew that they were there before I stepped on them. I stole milk from the cow. Is it self-fulfilled, or is it destiny? Maybe it’s both. I am numb, yet, I can feel the pain. It starts with dark, rich, moist soil. Then comes the sun; then there is growth, the rain, the weeds that try to choke you. Then it turns over again – more rain, more soil, and more growth; then again, it chokes you. It is inconceivable of what I know. Evil does prevail. God, insecurity, and the whole damn Trilogy is just a hoax. There is no safe because safety itself is compromised. It is not real. Illusions are what humans seek. That is the reason for the news and cable TV.

Have you ever seen someone die? Have you ever seen a dead person? I mean really die – take their last breath right in front of you? I have, and I know that men in war see more, but that just justifies their visions. As for me, I have seen; I can smell death. Death is a position in the moment of life from conception; there is no turning back once you're born. Your life is a series of still-frames and pictures that can't be erased. They can be manipulated, changed, deleted, even renamed – but they are still there.

I was in a situation that I compromised. I am emotionally drained but I pulled my own plug. I am drowning in my own vomit. Everyone blames Eve for original sin; I blame myself. I can't understand how it all began, but I am living proof of the end. I thought I had it all. Not even close to perfect, but I did have something. Under no circumstances of this earth and life could I ever receive a better gift than you. This is the medical examiner passing off a live person as dead. This is the hearse, losing the body on the way to a funeral.

I am only human. But I am not a good one. Its okay to curse me, hate me. You can need me more than I hate myself. I am so empty that if you gave me water, I would choke. I would not know to do. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself, but I can't. I miss the noise that drove me nuts. I miss the voice that kept me in check. I miss it, but I gave it all away. If I could rewind; I would have been stronger. I would've spoke up sooner. Crap, I would've done something just to stay alive. But I can't rewind. I am here now, recording this testimony…”

I just ripped up and threw out those napkins. I felt a slight release in doing so. That night was so bad. I was crushed. (10/2005)

© 2011 JS Matthew

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    • J.S.Matthew profile image
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      JS Matthew 3 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      Thanks alex. Yes, I was going through a bad time when I wrote this. I would like to remind you that this was written in 2005. It is now 2014 and I am doing much better, as I mentioned in the article. Thanks for reading the whole thing!

      JSMatthew~

    • profile image

      alex 3 years ago

      you sound like your mourning. depression is day in and day out for a long time. depression is coupled with drug abuse. depression is coupled with isolation and generalized anxiety. depression tends to make people see themselves as a victim of their own mind...It is hard to escape this cycle if you are really stuck in it. the world seems small. The mind is like a prison.

    • J.S.Matthew profile image
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      JS Matthew 5 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      Hello John! I am so happy to hear that you enjoyed reading this, especially the essays and poems! That is great that you rarely use the word hate. I hear it all the time where I live. It has lost its meaning to some degree or people just don't realize its implications. Thank you for your comment and vote!

      JSMatthew~

    • John Sarkis profile image

      John Sarkis 5 years ago from Los Angeles, CA

      Hi J.S. Matthew, really interesting hub. I really enjoyed it, especially the section "Essays and Poems." It's hard to disagree with your comments, however, just for the record, I don't use the word "hate" as often as others do.

      Voted up on your wonderful hub

      John

    • J.S.Matthew profile image
      Author

      JS Matthew 5 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      Hi Ardie!

      Ah...the many sides of J.S.Matthew lol! I was really depressed back then. I was hanging with the wrong people doing wrong things and hadn't found my wife or HubPages yet! I have come a long way. I actually shake my head in disbelief when I read this Hub! You are right, life does get better! I appreciate you stopping by and appreciate you sharing!

      JSMatthew~

    • Ardie profile image

      Sondra 5 years ago from Neverland

      Wow, this is a side of you I didn't even think could possibly exist. I am so happy you aren't this man anymore and that you found peace and love :)

      Life does indeed get better - so many people need to realize this and for that reason I am sharing this hub.

    • J.S.Matthew profile image
      Author

      JS Matthew 5 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      Now you have got me interested in reading Poe's, "Black Cat" story! Just so I can hate it! I also wonder about food additives, along with flu shots, vaccines, drinking water and just about everything else we ingest especially in relation to cancer. It does make me wonder. I appreciate your comment! Thanks for stopping by!

      JSMatthew~

    • B. A. Williams profile image

      B. A. Williams 5 years ago from USA

      Its just the make-up of a good poet and writer, but I am glad you have overcome and still write. My first thought was Edgar Allan Poe who I used to love until I read The Black Cat which totally turned me on his writing.

      I still wonder if the additives in food are making people's bodies react... resulting in depression. It just seems more prevalent and it makes me curious in why.

      I am glad you have got past that hurdle in life.

      By the way don't read Edgar Allan Poe's story The Black Cat, I know you're a cat lover too. I hate his work now, what a switch but that did it for me.

    • J.S.Matthew profile image
      Author

      JS Matthew 5 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      ladyauthor47 I don't take offense to your comment! At the time I was struggling with many aspects of my life. I didn't want to work and all I wanted to do was sleep. I was living with my parents at the time and they were always on my case about not doing anything. I went to a therapist and was on prescription medicine for the depression. At some point it became chronic. Luckily, I was able to come out of it (which is uncommon since depression usually is caused by an imbalance in brain chemistry) and I stopped taking the meds all together. I don't recommend this to anyone who takes the medication, but it did work for me. I suffered for about 4 years all together but I met my wife and my life changed for the best. I appreciate your comment and opinion! Thanks for stopping by!

      JSMatthew~

    • ladyauthor47 profile image

      ladyauthor47 5 years ago from Texas

      I just finished reading your hub and found that it was very personal and gave insight to the pain you felt at the loss of broken heart of love. The only thing I would say is that the title does not match the writing.

      Depression is more than just feeling sad for a day or two, it effects ones entire life. It effects your ability to work, enteract with friends and family and a person who is depressed tends to withdraw into themselves for long periods of time. I know this as I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder and am being treated for the past 3 years. I have written a research paper for school called "Living With Depression" documenting my personal experience with depression. I tried to post it in a hub here, but it got rejected as I had already posted it with Associated Content.

      I hope you don't take offense to what I have said. It is just my opinion.

    • J.S.Matthew profile image
      Author

      JS Matthew 5 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      Hello Trudy Chappell! I was a bit hesitant and scared to publish this at first. Thanks so much for your comment!

      JSMatthew~

    • Trudy Chappell profile image

      Trudy Chappell 5 years ago from Gloucestershire UK

      Thank you for sharing this. It is such a personal thing, and to have shared was a very brave thing to do.

    • J.S.Matthew profile image
      Author

      JS Matthew 5 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      Hello again manthy! I can't believe that I was in that place either! It seems so long ago. Many of us have periods of depression in our lives. I am so glad to be back on top! Thanks for the comment and votes!

      JSMatthew~

    • manthy profile image

      Mark 5 years ago from Alabama,USA

      WOW - I can only imagine how bad you must have been feeling, I am so happy you are doing better now.

      I have felt that way before and realized that the only person who can make me happy is me.

      Voted up and awesome

    • J.S.Matthew profile image
      Author

      JS Matthew 5 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      I am also following you on Twitter qlcoach! Thanks for the insightful comment!

      JSMatthew~

    • qlcoach profile image

      qlcoach 5 years ago from Cave Junction, Oregon

      I met you on Twitter. Yes to the power of venting anger, sadness, and emotional pain. Then we are free to embrace positive thoughts, actions, and beliefs. That's why I write about emotional recovery and miracles. Peace and Light...Gary.

    • J.S.Matthew profile image
      Author

      JS Matthew 5 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      Hello again pedrn44! Yes, I am still doing well. I was in a horrible place all those years ago. I have since been married going on 3 years next month and have three wonderful step-children. Thanks for stopping by! Follow this link if you'd like to hear me and my wife's story: https://hubpages.com/relationships/I-Am-So-In-Love...

      JSMatthew~

    • pedrn44 profile image

      pedrn44 5 years ago from New Berlin Wisconsin

      wow, very moving. You shared such raw emotion, such deep and dark analysis into your loss and your failures. I'm glad that you mentioned you are now feeling much better before I read this. I hope you are still enjoying life and relish in your contributions to this community, your great writing.

    • J.S.Matthew profile image
      Author

      JS Matthew 5 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      @chablis345: Thank you for your kind words! I appreciate it!

      JSMatthew~

    • J.S.Matthew profile image
      Author

      JS Matthew 5 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      @JerryJupiter: I hope that you can pull yourself through. HubPages can be very helpful for depression because of the excellent support from the community! I wish you the best and thanks for stopping by.

      JSMatthew~

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