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The Cycle of Depression: A Narrative of A Depressed Person Going Through Major Bad Times

Updated on March 14, 2014
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The Cycle of Depression: A Narrative

For the record, I wrote this in 2005 while going through a bad time. I don't feel like this anymore; I just wanted to share so others can know that life gets better!

Today I feel like I am very close to rock bottom. I had a long day today and it did not go well. I'm going nuts. I am so sad that it hurts. I know that I shouldn't, but I look at old pictures and I become extremely nostalgic. I really miss her. I miss what we had when things were good. I am addicted to her. It is a codependent, unhealthy relationship. And even though I know; I don't care. I just want to be with her and be happy. I know that this can't be and then eats me alive. I am truly hurting.

I watched the Oprah show today and a guy named James Prey was on. He wrote a book called, “A Million Little Pieces”, which is a dramatic account of him overcoming drug and alcohol abuse. I immediately went out to buy the book, but of course, they were all sold out.

I think of her every waking moment. I wish we could go for another walk in the woods, watch another movie, and spend another night together. I long to hold her-to kiss her soft, sweet lips. We are such a chemistry that is magnetic. It feels like destiny – our souls wrap around each other during our intimacy. The day I left I was miserable. As usual, the first thing I did was go to a bar. That day was one of the worst days in my life. I can't recall it crystal clear. While it was at the bar with a good buzz on, I wrote the following on a series of napkins:

“This is my letter. This is the testimony that will last forever. I fear the inside… If you should find this, know that this was neither my calling nor my vocation. I have been deprived of my right – and so will they – we always are. Nobody knows what I have seen, what I have heard. It is power lifting for my heart; too much stress. I can't concede that I could have done better if given a better chance. I have used up my chances; always unaware and not knowing. Yet, at the same level, I could have walked away. It is too easy to blur love and emotion and turning into bad situations. Whoever said, "no love lost", never really truly loved.

This is not a journey – it is a warpath waiting for the next landmine to explode under my feet. But it's my fault as I knew that they were there before I stepped on them. I stole milk from the cow. Is it self-fulfilled, or is it destiny? Maybe it’s both. I am numb, yet, I can feel the pain. It starts with dark, rich, moist soil. Then comes the sun; then there is growth, the rain, the weeds that try to choke you. Then it turns over again – more rain, more soil, and more growth; then again, it chokes you. It is inconceivable of what I know. Evil does prevail. God, insecurity, and the whole damn Trilogy is just a hoax. There is no safe because safety itself is compromised. It is not real. Illusions are what humans seek. That is the reason for the news and cable TV.

Have you ever seen someone die? Have you ever seen a dead person? I mean really die – take their last breath right in front of you? I have, and I know that men in war see more, but that just justifies their visions. As for me, I have seen; I can smell death. Death is a position in the moment of life from conception; there is no turning back once you're born. Your life is a series of still-frames and pictures that can't be erased. They can be manipulated, changed, deleted, even renamed – but they are still there.

I was in a situation that I compromised. I am emotionally drained but I pulled my own plug. I am drowning in my own vomit. Everyone blames Eve for original sin; I blame myself. I can't understand how it all began, but I am living proof of the end. I thought I had it all. Not even close to perfect, but I did have something. Under no circumstances of this earth and life could I ever receive a better gift than you. This is the medical examiner passing off a live person as dead. This is the hearse, losing the body on the way to a funeral.

I am only human. But I am not a good one. Its okay to curse me, hate me. You can need me more than I hate myself. I am so empty that if you gave me water, I would choke. I would not know to do. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself, but I can't. I miss the noise that drove me nuts. I miss the voice that kept me in check. I miss it, but I gave it all away. If I could rewind; I would have been stronger. I would've spoke up sooner. Crap, I would've done something just to stay alive. But I can't rewind. I am here now, recording this testimony…”

I just ripped up and threw out those napkins. I felt a slight release in doing so. That night was so bad. I was crushed. (10/2005)

© 2011 JS Matthew

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    • J.S.Matthew profile image
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      JS Matthew 3 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      Thanks alex. Yes, I was going through a bad time when I wrote this. I would like to remind you that this was written in 2005. It is now 2014 and I am doing much better, as I mentioned in the article. Thanks for reading the whole thing!

      JSMatthew~

    • profile image

      alex 3 years ago

      you sound like your mourning. depression is day in and day out for a long time. depression is coupled with drug abuse. depression is coupled with isolation and generalized anxiety. depression tends to make people see themselves as a victim of their own mind...It is hard to escape this cycle if you are really stuck in it. the world seems small. The mind is like a prison.

    • J.S.Matthew profile image
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      JS Matthew 5 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      Hello John! I am so happy to hear that you enjoyed reading this, especially the essays and poems! That is great that you rarely use the word hate. I hear it all the time where I live. It has lost its meaning to some degree or people just don't realize its implications. Thank you for your comment and vote!

      JSMatthew~

    • John Sarkis profile image

      John Sarkis 5 years ago from Los Angeles, CA

      Hi J.S. Matthew, really interesting hub. I really enjoyed it, especially the section "Essays and Poems." It's hard to disagree with your comments, however, just for the record, I don't use the word "hate" as often as others do.

      Voted up on your wonderful hub

      John

    • J.S.Matthew profile image
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      JS Matthew 5 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      Hi Ardie!

      Ah...the many sides of J.S.Matthew lol! I was really depressed back then. I was hanging with the wrong people doing wrong things and hadn't found my wife or HubPages yet! I have come a long way. I actually shake my head in disbelief when I read this Hub! You are right, life does get better! I appreciate you stopping by and appreciate you sharing!

      JSMatthew~

    • Ardie profile image

      Sondra 5 years ago from Neverland

      Wow, this is a side of you I didn't even think could possibly exist. I am so happy you aren't this man anymore and that you found peace and love :)

      Life does indeed get better - so many people need to realize this and for that reason I am sharing this hub.

    • J.S.Matthew profile image
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      JS Matthew 5 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      Now you have got me interested in reading Poe's, "Black Cat" story! Just so I can hate it! I also wonder about food additives, along with flu shots, vaccines, drinking water and just about everything else we ingest especially in relation to cancer. It does make me wonder. I appreciate your comment! Thanks for stopping by!

      JSMatthew~

    • B. A. Williams profile image

      B. A. Williams 5 years ago from USA

      Its just the make-up of a good poet and writer, but I am glad you have overcome and still write. My first thought was Edgar Allan Poe who I used to love until I read The Black Cat which totally turned me on his writing.

      I still wonder if the additives in food are making people's bodies react... resulting in depression. It just seems more prevalent and it makes me curious in why.

      I am glad you have got past that hurdle in life.

      By the way don't read Edgar Allan Poe's story The Black Cat, I know you're a cat lover too. I hate his work now, what a switch but that did it for me.

    • J.S.Matthew profile image
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      JS Matthew 5 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      ladyauthor47 I don't take offense to your comment! At the time I was struggling with many aspects of my life. I didn't want to work and all I wanted to do was sleep. I was living with my parents at the time and they were always on my case about not doing anything. I went to a therapist and was on prescription medicine for the depression. At some point it became chronic. Luckily, I was able to come out of it (which is uncommon since depression usually is caused by an imbalance in brain chemistry) and I stopped taking the meds all together. I don't recommend this to anyone who takes the medication, but it did work for me. I suffered for about 4 years all together but I met my wife and my life changed for the best. I appreciate your comment and opinion! Thanks for stopping by!

      JSMatthew~

    • ladyauthor47 profile image

      ladyauthor47 5 years ago from Texas

      I just finished reading your hub and found that it was very personal and gave insight to the pain you felt at the loss of broken heart of love. The only thing I would say is that the title does not match the writing.

      Depression is more than just feeling sad for a day or two, it effects ones entire life. It effects your ability to work, enteract with friends and family and a person who is depressed tends to withdraw into themselves for long periods of time. I know this as I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder and am being treated for the past 3 years. I have written a research paper for school called "Living With Depression" documenting my personal experience with depression. I tried to post it in a hub here, but it got rejected as I had already posted it with Associated Content.

      I hope you don't take offense to what I have said. It is just my opinion.

    • J.S.Matthew profile image
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      JS Matthew 5 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      Hello Trudy Chappell! I was a bit hesitant and scared to publish this at first. Thanks so much for your comment!

      JSMatthew~

    • Trudy Chappell profile image

      Trudy Chappell 5 years ago from Gloucestershire UK

      Thank you for sharing this. It is such a personal thing, and to have shared was a very brave thing to do.

    • J.S.Matthew profile image
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      JS Matthew 6 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      Hello again manthy! I can't believe that I was in that place either! It seems so long ago. Many of us have periods of depression in our lives. I am so glad to be back on top! Thanks for the comment and votes!

      JSMatthew~

    • manthy profile image

      Mark 6 years ago from Alabama,USA

      WOW - I can only imagine how bad you must have been feeling, I am so happy you are doing better now.

      I have felt that way before and realized that the only person who can make me happy is me.

      Voted up and awesome

    • J.S.Matthew profile image
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      JS Matthew 6 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      I am also following you on Twitter qlcoach! Thanks for the insightful comment!

      JSMatthew~

    • qlcoach profile image

      Gary Eby 6 years ago from Cave Junction, Oregon

      I met you on Twitter. Yes to the power of venting anger, sadness, and emotional pain. Then we are free to embrace positive thoughts, actions, and beliefs. That's why I write about emotional recovery and miracles. Peace and Light...Gary.

    • J.S.Matthew profile image
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      JS Matthew 6 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      Hello again pedrn44! Yes, I am still doing well. I was in a horrible place all those years ago. I have since been married going on 3 years next month and have three wonderful step-children. Thanks for stopping by! Follow this link if you'd like to hear me and my wife's story: https://hubpages.com/relationships/I-Am-So-In-Love...

      JSMatthew~

    • pedrn44 profile image

      Sandi 6 years ago from Greenfield, Wisconsin

      wow, very moving. You shared such raw emotion, such deep and dark analysis into your loss and your failures. I'm glad that you mentioned you are now feeling much better before I read this. I hope you are still enjoying life and relish in your contributions to this community, your great writing.

    • J.S.Matthew profile image
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      JS Matthew 6 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      @chablis345: Thank you for your kind words! I appreciate it!

      JSMatthew~

    • J.S.Matthew profile image
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      JS Matthew 6 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      @JerryJupiter: I hope that you can pull yourself through. HubPages can be very helpful for depression because of the excellent support from the community! I wish you the best and thanks for stopping by.

      JSMatthew~

    • J.S.Matthew profile image
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      JS Matthew 6 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      @lyns: Thank you! I am feeling much better and life is good! I appreciate your comment.

      JSMatthew~

    • chablis345 profile image

      chablis345 6 years ago from Berkshire

      Hi JS - a very raw piece of writing. I appreciate you sharing your emotions like this and am glad you are now in a better place.

    • JerryJupiter profile image

      JerryJupiter 6 years ago from United Kingdom

      A really powerful piece JS, and I'm glad things have turned out ok for you. I wish I could say I've successfully pulled myself out of the pit of depression, but I'm working on it.

    • lyns profile image

      lyns 6 years ago from USA

      Very interesting J.S. Matthew, I'm glad your doing better, thanks for sharing

    • amynichter profile image

      amynichter 6 years ago from Canton, Ohio

      Wow. Been there. So glad things are better for you! It's a rough road, I know.

    • ktrapp profile image

      Kristin Trapp 6 years ago from Illinois

      J.S. This is a very powerful piece, very raw emotion. Depression can stop a lot of people cold in their tracks while others can find a way to claw their way out of its grips. I'm glad to know that for you it was the latter and that this bad time has ended.

    • J.S.Matthew profile image
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      JS Matthew 6 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      Thank you amymarie_5. I am glad that you can relate and that you feel stronger. Never stop fighting bad thoughts with self-talk. You can always talk yourself out of them (that's what I do!) I really appreciate your comment. Thanks for stopping by!

      JSMatthew~

    • amymarie_5 profile image

      amymarie_5 6 years ago from Chicago IL

      I have been there, I know that helpless feeling. The self loathing, guilt and desperation and I never ever want to feel that again. Sometimes I feel it coming on again but I'm stronger now. Thanks for sharing your experience. It's brave and I know it will help people. I'm happy you got through it.

    • J.S.Matthew profile image
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      JS Matthew 6 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      Hello TexBiz! Many of us suffer from this and for some it is for a lifetime. Lucky for me I was able to rise out of my situation. I think suffering has definitely made an impact on how I write and what I write about. Look at the famous writers like W. Shakespeare who suffered depression their entire existence. What ever doesn't kill us makes us stronger! I appreciate your comment!

      JSMatthew~

    • TexBiz profile image

      TexBiz 6 years ago from Bastrop, Texas

      JS, this was a great hub. So many people including myself have been severly affected by depression. I absolutely loved the hub and it left me glued to it. You are a super good writer about depression. Sorry you had to go through so much pain, but that is what makes a great writer!

    • J.S.Matthew profile image
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      JS Matthew 6 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      Hopelessness is a desperate situation and Depression can kill a person. I think writing helped me out of my situation. It allowed me to go back to the emotions I was feeling when I wrote them down, identify with them, and see the reality of my situation which was hidden behind emotional imbalance. I think being able to talk with someone who wont judge you and who will really listen can be therapeutic as well. We need balance to focus. Lack of balance leads to chaos and uncertainty. I appreciate your comment beckyland05! Thanks for stopping by!

      JSMatthew~

    • beckyland05 profile image

      beckyland05 6 years ago from South Carolina

      It is hard to bring yourself out of depression.That feeling of hopelessness can be over-powering. Writing is a great way to sort out your emotions. If not a writer, talking to somebody is an alternative.Some people never can get their footing back without that additional help. I am glad to see you no longer feel this way. Thank you for sharing!

    • J.S.Matthew profile image
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      JS Matthew 6 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      That was beautiful pennyofheaven! Thanks for adding to this Hub! I appreciate your comment.

      JSMatthew~

    • pennyofheaven profile image

      pennyofheaven 6 years ago from New Zealand

      Glady the seasons of mind change even if we wallow in the darkest of wintery nights. Eventually spring must follow, then summer, autumn and winter again. The cycles of the seasons are not that different to the mind. We can still enjoy the winters though and it is experiences like yours that help us to do so. What an awesome and raw depiction of the emotions that occur when experiencing a great loss. Thanks so much for sharing!

    • J.S.Matthew profile image
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      JS Matthew 6 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      Aww shucks! I love ice cream! I sent the e-mail a few hours ago. Please let me know if you received it.

      JSMatthew~

    • Jo_Goldsmith11 profile image

      Jo_Goldsmith11 6 years ago

      Awww..see..now I can't give you some ice cream because you are late getting back to me! (LOL) smile. No problem. I will keep my eyes opened. I hope you stay happy. You bring alot of Joy into so many people's lives.

      Your friend..

    • J.S.Matthew profile image
      Author

      JS Matthew 6 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      Hello Jo! Before I write a comment to your comment, I want you to know that I am almost done with the project you sent me through e-mail; I am just tweaking it a bit and will send it to you very soon! Sorry for not keeping the 24 hour deadline but I was away this weekend!

      Thanks for the cyber hug! I never got one of those before! Depression is weird because it can come and go throughout your life. I have heard of St. John's Wort and I know you can get it at any pharmacy or health store. If I ever fall back into this horrible place, I will remember this comment and will use it. Let's hope that doesn't happen! Being on HubPages and sharing with people like you in the community keeps my spirit up! Thanks for your comment and keep your eyes open for the e-mail! Thanks again!

      JSMatthew~

    • Jo_Goldsmith11 profile image

      Jo_Goldsmith11 6 years ago

      Hello J.S.

      I have read this hub about seven times now. I guess, I have waited so long to respond because of how painful it is to be depressed or know of someone you care about feeling like crap all the time.

      I as well had to wait until I had something realevant to share. So.here it goes. When I was in my teen age years and then after the birth of my second child. I fell into a dark abyss of unbelievable anguish. Then it started to get really bad to the point that I was seriously thinking about taking my own life. My sister told me about St John wort. This has helped me during those tough times when no one or nothing said will help.

      Maybe you could read up on it and get some other opinions. I pray for Joy in your life Always! :)

      sending you a cyber hug! ((((( J. S. Matthew)))))

    • J.S.Matthew profile image
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      JS Matthew 6 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      Thanks for the comment John Sarkis! I figured, what do I have to loose?

      JSMatthew~

    • John Sarkis profile image

      John Sarkis 6 years ago from Los Angeles, CA

      Great hub. Thanks for opening up, most people don't have the courage to share their woes with others like this....

      take care

      John

    • J.S.Matthew profile image
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      JS Matthew 6 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      That's awesome, myriadmom! Thanks for reading and commenting. I always appreciate your comments!

      JSMatthew~

    • myriadmom profile image

      myriadmom 6 years ago from Hilo, Hawai'i Island

      JS, I can't begin to tell you how I feel reading this. There really are no words ...

    • J.S.Matthew profile image
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      JS Matthew 6 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      Hello again, Victoria Lynn! I can relate. My depression comes and goes; ironically, I felt a bit depressed today while I was at work. Once I came home, I wrote a Hub and now I feel better! Keep reading and writing as it is a great form of therapy. Thanks for sharing your story! I appreciate all of your comments.

      JSMatthew~

    • Victoria Lynn profile image

      Victoria Lynn 6 years ago from Arkansas, USA

      Wow, J.S. Thanks for sharing. I have been at the very least melancholy since I was just a young teen. My depression seems to always be there, even nearly 30 years later. I live with it and am successful in many areas of my life, but sometimes it is incapaciating. I'm not sure how to make things better, but I'm going to keep reading more inspirational hubs and also write more to express myself, and perhaps, I, too, will find significant growth and change in myself. Thank you so much for sharing this hub. I think you may have just helped a lot of people with it.

    • J.S.Matthew profile image
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      JS Matthew 6 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      WhatBigJohnThinks, that is an awesome comment! That is a great saying from your dad! I am so happy to be released from this vice. Thanks for the comment.

      JSMatthew~

    • WhatBigJohnThinks profile image

      WhatBigJohnThinks 6 years ago

      J.S. you have a voice that people listen to. I'm glad the ravage of depression has lost it surly grip on you. My dad always said, "Everyday you wake up above ground is a good day!".

    • J.S.Matthew profile image
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      JS Matthew 6 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      Thanks for the awesome comment hoomesteadbound! I am so happy to be happy-for both of us!

      JSMatthew~

    • homesteadbound profile image

      Cindy Murdoch 6 years ago from Texas

      I can so relate. Thank you for sharing. Like you, fortunately I am no longer there. If I were, I would be so incapacitated that I would not be able to write. Or maybe it would be more appropriate to say that I wouldn't care if I did or not, and the deep dark stuff that I would write if I did, would send you running in the other direction. So glad life is better - for both of us. Once again, thanks for being so open and honest.

    • J.S.Matthew profile image
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      JS Matthew 6 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      Thanks K9! I really appreciate your comment. I don't often share "myself" on HubPages. I do offer a couple political opinions, but I mostly focus on typical articles. In 2 years of being on HubPages, I only recently posted most of these personal essays and poems. What inspired me was all the great poets and creative writers I have come across on HubPages! Then I remembered the reason I began writing when I was young; to express myself! I appreciate you and everyone who supports me on HubPages! Hubbers like you are what make HubPages what it is; the best community on the web, hands down! As HubGreeters, we have a responsibility to help others, especially those who are new here. Well, neither of us are new, and you have helped me! Thank you very much!

      JSMatthew~

    • K9keystrokes profile image

      India Arnold 6 years ago from Northern, California

      J.S. I really felt your words so deeply. Such pain and self loathing you carried. My heart weighs a little heavier, and still a little lighter after reading your work here. The loss of someone (including yourself) is a very difficult state to recover from. I am honored to read your work. Super good hub.

      Thank you for sharing of yourself--

      HubHugs~

      K9

    • J.S.Matthew profile image
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      JS Matthew 6 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      Thanks for stopping by poshcoffeeco! I hope that you can rise from your situation. Hang in there!

      JSMatthew~

    • poshcoffeeco profile image

      Steve Mitchell 6 years ago from Cambridgeshire

      Hi

      I am battling depression at the moment for the second time in 8 years. I thought I was over it. It's good to share your experience of it. Well done. I hope I can come as far as you have and show it in my hubs. Great job.

    • J.S.Matthew profile image
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      JS Matthew 6 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      @Dexter Yarbrough: To answer your question Dexter, I basically "quit" being depressed. I made a lot of changes in my life and met the woman of my dreams whom I am now married to. I stopped taking the anti-depressants and after a while, I felt better. It's different for everybody; most of my depression was due to the people I was hanging with and the things I was doing. Once I removed the negative from my life, I improved. Thanks for the comment and the great question!

      JSMatthew~

    • J.S.Matthew profile image
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      JS Matthew 6 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      @Yeshuan: I'm sorry to hear that my friend. I hope things look better for you in the near future. I appreciate you stopping by and writing about it will definitely help! Hang in there.

      JSMatthew~

    • Dexter Yarbrough profile image

      Dexter Yarbrough 6 years ago from United States

      Great hub. How did you beat depression back?

    • Yeshuan profile image

      Yeshuan 6 years ago from North Carolina

      This speaks to me so much. I have recently been crushed by my ex. Her words are still ringing in my ears. I guess I should follow your example and write about it.

    • J.S.Matthew profile image
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      JS Matthew 6 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      It is a horrible disease that many people suffer from. It definitely takes control of your mind and heart. I am happy to now be happy! Thanks for the insightful comment Chatkath!

      JSMatthew~

    • Chatkath profile image

      Kathy 6 years ago from California

      Depression really is such an overwhelming state and it just sucks the life right out of you - and overtakes you and you don't even realize that you are no longer yourself anymore. For me, I was just surviving, each day, not living and when one is finally able to look back and see the change it is amazing! I am glad that you are now able to reflect on your experience and draw strength from it! Good Job JS!

    • J.S.Matthew profile image
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      JS Matthew 6 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      Thanks b. Malin! I am so glad I am where I am today and can't picture being that old person ever again! I appreciate your insightful comment!

      JSMatthew~

    • b. Malin profile image

      b. Malin 6 years ago

      Depression is such a Powerful State of being...It drains your very soul...Happiness is Wonderful, spirits High and Emotions Soaring. We've all been there and can relate in one form or another. Depressing Hub you wrote back then J.S. Matthew, so glad your out of there!

    • J.S.Matthew profile image
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      JS Matthew 6 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      Isn't it amazing Cardisa how we can change dramatically without even noticing it? I just entered the "poetry/essay" phase on HubPages after 2 years of only writing articles. It is very interesting to see the change; the self-improvement I have experienced on HubPages. Thanks for the comment. I appreciate it!

      JSMatthew~

    • Cardisa profile image

      Carolee Samuda 6 years ago from Jamaica

      JS, regarding your comment. I just reread my two hubs about depression and is amazed that that girl was me. It is a strong person that can share their experience. Thank you for sharing. I can relate too.

    • J.S.Matthew profile image
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      JS Matthew 6 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      It's amazing for me to read what I wrote back then compared to how happy I am now! I am so glad I am not depressed like that any more! Thanks for the comment dan-1. I appreciate it.

      JSMatthew~

    • dan-1 profile image

      dan-1 6 years ago from Tampa, FL

      Trajic, but through our experiences we gain wisdom.

      I kinda felt like I was there.