...The Dark Seeds...
In the deceiving cold bright light of early February there are the tiniest seeds of growth and expectancy being planted. As I write there is a tide that is ebbing and flowing towards me – all the tiny thoughts and responsibilities mount up in a large wave that She holds back with just a glance. "Stop the anxiety with your breath"... "Continue to carve the portal"...
I read and write as an avalanche of responsibility ebbs up and threatens to pull me under in a desperate wave of not enough time
All the books, articles, poems, memes - all of this is padding, security, things that stay alongside the corridors that I will not yet release or reveal. Promises I have made for writing, reading, teaching, broad and wide, all caught in the Moleskine journals that I adorn with washi tape, stamps, stickers and what ever else I find that I want to chronicle for the time I am using them.
This time of year, when the cold hurts my teeth as I walk on vacant trails and listen to the elaborate and creative threads of stories that my eight year old has to tell. I listen to the dream that he swore he was not ever going to tell me about. I tell him that sometimes there are things that we never ever tell anyone else, and there is nothing wrong with that. There are private things about ourselves that no one needs to know unless you feel like you want them to know. It is completely your right to keep your own secrets.
Like my little black seeds, just resting beneath the frozen ground of myself - I don't feel the need to name them or label them. I will feel bad giving them names before they are ready. It can be disappointing to be so full of expectancy and never see a dream born into manifestation from the darkness where it struggled to see some kind of light, some kind of warmth.
I get nostalgic often. I get humbled by the large tide of life that I have asked to wash over me and drown me once again only so I can prove that yes, I do know how to swim. I do know how to hold my breath and I do know how to die when it is time. I can drink more water and I can drown in it, as well.
This is the time of year when those resolutions you made can have already grown cold and dead. You have already started planning to revive them, maybe in the Spring. You tell yourself you have plenty of time. All that interested and inspired you has gone cold. Memberships are neglected, downloads are ignored. Emails go unopened, unanswered.
You struggle with choices, decisions. Things hinge off of each other and you find yourself painted into a corner. You are staring at a whole room before you, empty. Trapped by nothing, and everything.
Being in this transitional stage of the year cannot help but inspire oneself to reset cycles, over and over again. The slow steady push up of those little seeds may be better left alone, as you remind yourself of the resolutions. Just because you fell unfaithful to them, to yourself, doesn't mean you should stop believing that you can absolutely start again, right now. That you can just take that one extra step even if it is an actual, physical step. You reset yourself. You step to the left instead of the right and you somehow gain courage to continue going that way. A little each day. Or week. But you know that there is something worth stepping towards. Even if it wasn't a resolution. There is something you are wanting, working towards, that will help you feel just a shred more confidence and pride about you personally. And you keep it your secret until you are ready to share it. If that time comes.
The Full Moon, called "The Quickening Moon" is this Friday evening at 7:33 pm, with a Lunar Eclipse following immediately after at 7:44 pm. To put it simply, it is a great time to once more have the chance to start or stop something you want or don't want to have in your life. These phases of the moon, like the days and weeks and months and years, remain a steady and reliable reminder that there is always another chance to change and start again. The turning of the Wheel of the Year is inevitable. You can have confidence that the days of the week will never change. That the seasons remain what makes up four quarters of the year. That the moon will be full and dark and full again. Why not try to take that one step left and move towards something that you have been afraid to see, some secret desire in you to take up something you love, or leave off something you don't? You never run out of chances to have a choice to change. If it can't be an outer change, it most certainly can be an inner one. Whenever you are ready.
Believe and Receive
- Carole Anzolletti - Home Site of Author Carole Anzolletti
A creative labyrinth of art, writing and poetry by Carole Anzolletti