The Door to Nowhere: My Story (Part 2)
Starting from just before we left off.
I feel like I'm just an actor in a movie. A nowhere man in a nowhere land, portraying my part in a script that has been written for make believe but the real me, as long as I'm playing my part in a nowhere movie, he doesn't exist. I just want to be me, I can't stand living in nowhere land anymore! I'm going nowhere! Nowhere! Nowhere, I tell you no o o whe e e re! I weep.
A knock comes on the door....
My skin is crawling...who is that? The doctor never knocks....
I can't stand this anymore! I scream sighingly,
"Go away, leave me alone! Why do you knock on "the door to no o o wher r re?"
Then, from the other side of the door, I hear a familiar voice say.
"Luke, Luke, I am your father..."
"Luke, Luke, I am your father..." There it is again, "Father? Dad is that you?"
And again I hear it over the speaker,
"Luke, Luke, I am your doctor..."
I think, "What? My doctor?"
"Luke, It's Doctor Malefic, Are you OK? Are you ready to see me? I'm going to come in now."
The door opens and the doctor enters my padded room. "Why did you scream like that Luke? Haven't they given you your medicine? Are you OK?"
I am weeping, memories of my father are again running through my head like it was yesterday, I thought it was him at the door, Lies said I'd have a visitor, he lies but did I hear a knock, I heard my father's voice, didn't I?. But the doctor, was it really him? Did I imagine him to be my father? Am I in hell, oh what I'd give to be nowhere right now.
The Doctor looks around the room at the floor, he picks up a small capsule and looking at Luke exclaims, Luke you haven't taken your medicine, take this pill and this stress you are in will subside, trust me Luke, take the pill." Promises has entered the room with a glass of water, "Here, here is some water Luke, take it" as he apologizes to the doctor for me not swallowing the pill the first time. The doctor makes sure I've swallowed the pill and then says, "Luke, you rest here for a while and I'll be back later so we can talk." Feeling exhausted all I can do is shake my head yes as I lay quietly on the padded floor while they leave the room. Feeling sleepy now I close my eyes and rest.
Time passes as I fade in and out of stupor, could be minutes or hours or days, I have no idea but right now, right now, I know for sure, I have to go to the bathroom. These padded rooms have nothing in them at all but a padded door with no knob. They keep it locked, I guess so I don't smash my head on the sink or try to water board myself. I just say "bathroom" out loud (the room is monitored for sound) and Promises and Lies come into my padded room. Lies taunts me saying, "I see you need to open 'the door to nowhere', ha, ha, ha, watch closely Luke, observe 'the door to nowhere' opens!" and by his remote the bathroom door swings open. They watch me as I relieve myself.
Sitting on the toilet I'm thinking, ah relief, this is the only time I actually feel relief anymore. When I'm "somewhere" life for me is just a constant irritation with no relief, like static over the radio that just gets louder and louder until I break and can stand it no more. When I'm nowhere, once I pass through that door to nowhere, life for me is like a big bowl of plain old tasteless yogurt, no sweetness, no flavor no taste but it is supposed to be good for you, and I'm in the middle of it, drowning.
Why am I caught in these two worlds? Am I so different from everyone else? Why do I need medication to be like them. Why can't I be me without them? Am I out of touch with reality or is reality out of touch with me. I ponder this every day of my life whether I'm somewhere or nowhere but an answer is not within my reasoning ability. Could it be that the real problem is they need medication to be like me?
Promises says, "Hey, you done yet or you gonna sit on there all day?" Lies says "We should have brought him a newspaper for while he is on his throne!" They both laugh as I finish up and they once again leave me alone in my padded room. Odd, when Lies said "We should have brought him a newspaper for while he is on his throne!" I felt the warmth of my father's love in my heart and my body tingled in anticipation of hearing his voice. It brought to my mind a childhood memory I had long forgotten.
Dad would always read the newspaper while he sat on his throne, in the bathroom. Sometimes he'd be in there for what seemed like hours to me who was busy waiting outside the door to use the bathroom. In those days we only had one in the house. Invariably he'd hear me passing in the hallway, checking to see if he was done and then he'd call to me, "Luke, is that you?"
"Yeah Dad, I need to go."
"Come on in here a minute."
The bathroom was tiny. Entering it Dad was on the toilet attached to the windowed wall behind him and facing the door. The space of the toilet against that wall was flanked by two walls marking the whole width of the bathroom save the tub which was in a space to the right. He'd say sit down and I'd sit in front of his throne to his left on the edge of the tub. He'd be smoking a cigarette as he read the newspaper, tapping the ashes into the sink which extended toward me right in front of "his throne" (mom always complained his ashes stained the sink but that didn't stop him).
And we'd talk.
He'd ask me about the things other family would discuss at the dinner table, turning the pages of his newspaper and tapping the ashes of his cigarette into the sink in between talking with me. This is where I learned all about life, about right and wrong, about current events, about the birds and the bees, and not to smoke! Besides fly fishing, the bathroom brings back fond memories of my father and his unique love for me. I'm becoming more lucid now when the thought pops into my head "Could this be why my life is in the toilet?"
All of a sudden I clearly hear the doctor over the speaker, "Luke, It's Doctor Malefic, I want to talk with you now." The door opens and the Doctor enters: "Luke, How are you feeling now? Stand up and let me examine you."
"Better Doc, the padded room floor is actually very comfortable, makes me feel secure. At home I often fall off my bed at night when I have these recurring nightmares." He's examining me as I speak me, checking my ears, mouth and eyes, listening to my heart, testing my reflexes, "Nightmares? You never mentioned that before, when did you start having recurring nightmares?" he asks as he finishes examining me. "Just recently, since the last time I saw you." Looking more intense he asks me, "Luke, if you feel up to it I'd like you to come into my office and talk with me about this so I can take notes there. Are you feeling in control?"
I'm thinking, In control? He means under his control, but I do feel better, so I acquiesce. Promises and lies escort me down the hall to the Doctor's office. I lay down on the couch in his office as he begins, "Now Luke, let's start with what you remember about your recurring dream. What details can you recall?"
"Dreams doctor, I have more than one. They most often begin with a gorilla. Usually I'm in an arena just like the coliseum in Rome with pillars all around it, and huge hallways leading away from the arena out from between the pillars. The ground is dirt, the seating is non existent but there are geometrically shaped rocks staggered around the rising sides of the arena but no walls.Behind each rock is a childhood friend of mine. In the middle is a towering rock with cracks and crevices shaped like a miniature mountain peak. On the top of this rock sits a huge hairy gorilla and as I am watching from behind one of the rocks to the side..." buzz, buzz, buzz
The doctor's cell phone is buzzing on silent mode. He excuses himself as he says he has to take this call and then after a couple yeses and "I'll be right there," he says, "Luke I have a situation that needs my immediate attention, please excuse me for a moment while Promises keeps you company here in my office. I won't be long."
More of: The Door to Nowhere: My Story
- The Door to Nowhere: My Story (Part 1)
Those precious days shared just by a father and son can only be relived in moments of sanity after time and tragedy takes their toll on the delicate psyche of one once so loved by his father.
- The Door to Nowhere: My Story (Part 3)
Rage is boiling deep within, an internal gas pressure forcing the magma of my discontent to the surface of my psyche looking to erupt through any weakness. My psyche? it is nothing if it isn't weak.
- The Door to Nowhere: My Story (Part 4)
His hands were all over his body. His hands were thrashing through his hair. Their lips were locked like...
- The Door to Nowhere: My Story (Part 5)
Dr. Malefic's office is locked, one orderly lies traumatized in the hall outside the door, his lover lies on the other side of the office door, just another door in a hall of doors, doors to nowhere.