The Door to Nowhere: My Story (Part 3)
Promises is now standing by the office door leaning against the wall, one eye on me and one on the door. Still on the couch, I close my eyes. The details of my dream pour into my consciousness like it was yesterday, like it was real. Just closing my eyes takes me back to my childhood friends as they, one by one come out from behind the rocks and approach the Gorilla who is beckoning them to come out and play. He's come down from his perch and they are chasing him around the arena as he lopes, back and forth then up the little stone mountain. The kids are now all over him climbing on his lap, hugging on him and giggling as he sits on his perch with them all around sitting on the cracks and crevices of his mountain.
Feeling left out, I come out from my sideline hide and start to climb up to play with the gorilla. My best friend Ricky, is next to me. Everyone is happy giggling and stroking the gorilla when this feeling of fear comes upon us all. The Gorilla is looking mean, he starts pushing and grabbing at my friends. They become scared and laughter turns into crying. Children are climbing down the mount, and running for the safety of their rocks.
Ricky & I jump off the mount as the Gorilla stands on the peak and pounds his chest, glaring directly at us. We take off running for the pillars as the Gorilla leaps from the top and in our direction. We're heading for the the pillars and down the long never ending hallways of the coliseum, running for our lives sensing all the way the Gorilla is on our trail. Adrenaline is surging through our veins and it seems that the hallway goes on forever, we can't get out. Just when we can't go on any farther because of exhaustion we come upon a cedar chest. This cedar chest is familiar, it is from my bedroom at home. Ricky runs by but I stop. Somehow I know this cedar chest is our salvation. I call Ricky back, and we open the cedar chest. We both can see the Gorilla far off coming down the hallways . Ricky says "What are we doing," and I reach into the cedar chest and pull out two inflatable horses. We blow them up, then they turn into real horses, we mount them, and we gallop away just in time as the raging Gorilla almost catches up to us. On the horse I sense a deep feeling of relief and security, we're riding with the wind ... and then I wake up.
All of that dream, that memory I replayed in my mind in what was only the closing for a brief moment of my eyes as I lay on the couch. I'm anxious to recount this to the Doctor when he comes back. I think, does it mean something? Maybe he can shed light on what it means, if anything at all.
Then Promises breaks the silence and says, "Luke why did you not swallow your medicine when I gave it to you? You know that you need it. Immediately I feel anger rise up within me, I need it? I need it? I blurt out "Why do you think I need it?"
Promises, "Well,doesn't it make you relax? Doesn't it make it easier for you to cope? Tell me it doesn't. You know I've seen you when you are off your medicine, you are not a happy person."
Relaxed now I'm strangely feeling embolden, "That shows what you know. What makes you the judge of whether I am happy or not, is that not something only I can determine, MY own happiness? Maybe I'm happy when I'm not happy." As I get up off the couch I go on "Maybe because being unhappy is the lesser of two evils, being unhappy or being controlled, being free"
now I'm in his face
"or having to kiss your ass!"
"Sit back down Luke, If you know what's good for you, you'd better Sit Down Now!" I feel inhibited, but rage is boiling deep within me like an internal gas pressure forcing the magma of my discontent to the surface of my psyche looking to erupt through any weakness.
My psyche? huh, it is nothing if it isn't weak.
Right then a knock comes at the door, Promises turns toward the door to open it.
This is my chance to cold cock him, slam him into the door as he falls to the floor, I quickly lock the door and begin to kick the crap out of him, but he's not out cold!
He crawls away while I pick up an end table and smash it on his head.
He lays there motionless while I bath in the satisfaction of releasing my rage and the thought of how it would feel if I had really done this,
but I didn't,
I just couldn't take my chance.
Promises opens the door, it's Lies who says, "How long you goin to be here? Where's the Doc." Promises looks at me standing there, day dreaming of basking in the aftermath of my imagined revolting deed.
" I have to baby sit this nut case 'til the doc comes back...Sit down Luke!"
"Lies, what are you doing now?"
Wandering back to the couch and glaring at those two as I sit down I privately marvel at the emotions I just experienced, this is not normal when I am on medication.
"Nothin," says Lies "just waiting around for you. We have to do our rounds in 20 minutes."
Promises looks out the door down the hall, "Oh, here comes the Doc, I can go with you now."
I watch as Promises and Lies ...
... go out, and Doc enters the office door, another..."Door to Nowhere" (as you will see in Part 4)
More of: The Door to Nowhere: My Story
- The Door to Nowhere: My Story (Part 1)
Those precious days shared just by a father and son can only be relived in moments of sanity after time and tragedy takes their toll on the delicate psyche of one once so loved by his father.
- The Door to Nowhere: My Story (Part 2)
Recap: A knock comes on the door....I can't stand this anymore! I scream sighingly, "Go away, leave me alone! Why do you knock on "the door to no o o wher r re?" "Luke, Luke, I am your father..."
- The Door to Nowhere: My Story (Part 4)
His hands were all over his body. His hands were thrashing through his hair. Their lips were locked like...
- The Door to Nowhere: My Story (Part 5)
Dr. Malefic's office is locked, one orderly lies traumatized in the hall outside the door, his lover lies on the other side of the office door, just another door in a hall of doors, doors to nowhere.