- Books, Literature, and Writing»
- Commercial & Creative Writing
The Dr. Zaius Planet of the Apes - Trump Interview
Narrator: “Thank you for being here today with us. And thanks to Dr. Zaius for taking time out of his busy schedule to join us. Our host today is the President. Let’s begin. Which one of you would like to start?”
Trump: “Sorry this place is such a dump. I wanted to have you join us at the Towers, but your schedule could not fit us in.”
Dr. Zaius: “Before we get started, I must ask who colors your hair. It is a most excellent color. I would appreciate if you could give me their number.”
Trump: “I am sure it is just a coincidence that our hair color matches so well. I guess, men of greatness know the color of power.”
A staff member whispers into Trump's ear.
Trump: “Ah, er. You know what I meant. I was just kidding.”
Dr. Zaius: “If men are so great, why do they fail so often? When our councils convene, they reach a conclusion that serves the rest of our group. It seems just the opposite of what your councillors do. You seem to be here to serve the few at the expense of the many. The few seem to be hidden well behind the scenes, for you to do their bidding.”
Trump: “We offer free and fair elections. The people have the same rights to buy media time to air their opinions as the wealthy. The people have the same rights to support and groom candidates as the wealthy. The people have the same rights to fund groups to write legislation and push their agenda as the wealthy. What could be more fair in our great democracy?”
Dr. Zaius: “You know our kind have a saying, ‘Human see, human do.’ You seem to have taken that to a level we never imagined.” Dr. Zaius picks up a device and texts, ‘He keeps trying to form words.’
Trump: “My kind has a strong urge to survive. We are superior in every way. All the historical evidence points to our superiority. We wrote the Bible for goodness sake. God’s words guide us.”
Dr. Zaius: “We have the Twenty-nine scrolls. They lay out what we are to believe and how we are to behave. One edict is, ‘Beware the beast man, the devil’s pawn. He kills for sport, kills for greed, and will murder his brother, to possess his luxury tower condo.’
Trump: “Nobody can prove that. I mean, in general.”
Dr. Zaius: “I understand you also are trying to stop those in the forbidden zone from entering. We forbid them from entering, and took it further telling our brother apes that the dangers were too great to travel. That keeps the undesirables away from our population. Oh sure, there are always those liberal at heart. I am sure you have your advocates, who are always trying to make things right. Our Office of Animal Affairs was swamped with calls when we rounded up the humans. It was such fun to send out I.C.E. to round them up. Sorry, I.C.E. stands for, Inferior Caucasian Evictions.”
Dr. Zaius went on: “I am curious. How is it that the more ancient culture, prior to you, was more advanced?”
Trump: “We will see. That remains to be seen. Are we our brothers keepers? Once you give them a taste of the sugar, it is hard to take it away from them. What is civilization anyway? What right do the people of the United States have to dictate their ideas across the globe? We should be on our yachts. We should be on the slopes, or the at the clubhouses. How many times do us superior people have to conquer the world? Do you golf? I think I can get you a day pass.”
Dr. Zaius: “No, no, I don’t golf. There always seems to be so much work to do. The business of governing so that our society runs smoothly, as the people go about their pursuit of happiness.”
Trump: “Are you aware that there are alternate descriptions for all the statements regarding the pursuit of happiness? The rich are entitled to the fruit of their deceit. Hey, that may be my next campaign slogan.”
Dr. Zaius: “Thank you for your time. Oh, and please could I get that number of your hairdresser?”
Man and beast rose to their feet. Dr. Zaius extended his hand. Trump took it and held on tight.
Narrator: “Mr. Trump, let go. Please let go of his hand. This is embarrassing.”
You could hear the narrator as he walked away talking to the audio man. "You should never lend money to an ape."
The audio man looked at him funny. "You don't want them to put the bite on you."
Both men laughed - the this really is not funny laugh.