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The Dr. Zaius Planet of the Apes - Trump Interview

Updated on August 8, 2017
No disrespect meant to the TCM sound stage.
No disrespect meant to the TCM sound stage.

Narrator: “Thank you for being here today with us. And thanks to Dr. Zaius for taking time out of his busy schedule to join us. Our host today is the President. Let’s begin. Which one of you would like to start?”

Trump: “Sorry this place is such a dump. I wanted to have you join us at the Towers, but your schedule could not fit us in.”

Dr. Zaius: “Before we get started, I must ask who colors your hair. It is a most excellent color. I would appreciate if you could give me their number.”

Trump: “I am sure it is just a coincidence that our hair color matches so well. I guess, men of greatness know the color of power.”

A staff member whispers into Trump's ear.

Trump: “Ah, er. You know what I meant. I was just kidding.”

Dr. Zaius: “If men are so great, why do they fail so often? When our councils convene, they reach a conclusion that serves the rest of our group. It seems just the opposite of what your councillors do. You seem to be here to serve the few at the expense of the many. The few seem to be hidden well behind the scenes, for you to do their bidding.”

Trump: “We offer free and fair elections. The people have the same rights to buy media time to air their opinions as the wealthy. The people have the same rights to support and groom candidates as the wealthy. The people have the same rights to fund groups to write legislation and push their agenda as the wealthy. What could be more fair in our great democracy?”

Dr. Zaius: “You know our kind have a saying, ‘Human see, human do.’ You seem to have taken that to a level we never imagined.” Dr. Zaius picks up a device and texts, ‘He keeps trying to form words.’

Trump: “My kind has a strong urge to survive. We are superior in every way. All the historical evidence points to our superiority. We wrote the Bible for goodness sake. God’s words guide us.”

Dr. Zaius: “We have the Twenty-nine scrolls. They lay out what we are to believe and how we are to behave. One edict is, ‘Beware the beast man, the devil’s pawn. He kills for sport, kills for greed, and will murder his brother, to possess his luxury tower condo.’

Trump: “Nobody can prove that. I mean, in general.”

Dr. Zaius: “I understand you also are trying to stop those in the forbidden zone from entering. We forbid them from entering, and took it further telling our brother apes that the dangers were too great to travel. That keeps the undesirables away from our population. Oh sure, there are always those liberal at heart. I am sure you have your advocates, who are always trying to make things right. Our Office of Animal Affairs was swamped with calls when we rounded up the humans. It was such fun to send out I.C.E. to round them up. Sorry, I.C.E. stands for, Inferior Caucasian Evictions.”

Dr. Zaius went on: “I am curious. How is it that the more ancient culture, prior to you, was more advanced?”

Trump: “We will see. That remains to be seen. Are we our brothers keepers? Once you give them a taste of the sugar, it is hard to take it away from them. What is civilization anyway? What right do the people of the United States have to dictate their ideas across the globe? We should be on our yachts. We should be on the slopes, or the at the clubhouses. How many times do us superior people have to conquer the world? Do you golf? I think I can get you a day pass.”

Dr. Zaius: “No, no, I don’t golf. There always seems to be so much work to do. The business of governing so that our society runs smoothly, as the people go about their pursuit of happiness.”

Trump: “Are you aware that there are alternate descriptions for all the statements regarding the pursuit of happiness? The rich are entitled to the fruit of their deceit. Hey, that may be my next campaign slogan.”

Dr. Zaius: “Thank you for your time. Oh, and please could I get that number of your hairdresser?”

Man and beast rose to their feet. Dr. Zaius extended his hand. Trump took it and held on tight.

Narrator: “Mr. Trump, let go. Please let go of his hand. This is embarrassing.”

You could hear the narrator as he walked away talking to the audio man. "You should never lend money to an ape."

The audio man looked at him funny. "You don't want them to put the bite on you."

Both men laughed - the this really is not funny laugh.

The Simpsons - Planet Of The Apes Musical - Dr. Zaius

The Monkees- Hey Hey We're The Monkees

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    • mckbirdbks profile image
      Author

      mckbirdbks 10 days ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      Hello jgshorebird - We are all looking for some levity in this most interesting of times. There are a few other interviews that might bring a smile.

    • jgshorebird profile image

      jgshorebird 10 days ago from Southeastern U.S.

      I enjoyed this. Thanks.

    • mckbirdbks profile image
      Author

      mckbirdbks 10 days ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      Hello Gypsy – Thank you. The woman was right, the world is filled with monkeys. Many of them are wearing suits and gleefully rob and plunder. When will we ever learn?

    • mckbirdbks profile image
      Author

      mckbirdbks 10 days ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      Hello Genna – How often life imitates art. Yes, indeed the government has been spouting ‘the forbidden zones’ for months now. Most of the threats and damage has happened at the hands of Americans, on both sides of the terrorist fence. I was led right to the Simpsons video, and you are right it is perfect for the piece. The news is both repulsive and compelling at the same time. Now, I have to watch for incoming missiles.

    • Gypsy Rose Lee profile image

      Gypsy Rose Lee 10 days ago from Riga, Latvia

      Another fascinating hub. That Monkee theme song reminded me of how an old lady summed up neatly what was actually happening in the world. She said - the world is full of monkeys......

    • Genna East profile image

      Genna East 10 days ago from Massachusetts, USA

      Zaius and Trump -- I love it! Lol. What a great title, Mike. And it just got better reading from that point on. The Forbidden Zone metaphor is so clever... This must have been much fun to write. And Maria's comments were so spot on. The Simpsons video is darned perfect. It is a relief to have a giggle when the stories in the news make one want to either switch channels or forgo buying a newspaper altogether. Thank you for the smiles. We need them. :-)

    • mckbirdbks profile image
      Author

      mckbirdbks 11 days ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      Hello Martie - It is a shame that the world creates these types of people. Confidence is one thing, but certain types bring a whole new meaning to the word. You are right, not much really funny as to what is going on around the world. We have all failed, just by minding our own business.

    • MartieCoetser profile image

      Martie Coetser 11 days ago from South Africa

      Of course, I would not be able to grasp any humor coming from Mr. T. I knew a man like him - even his compliments were offensive.

      It was good to see Dr. Zaius again.

      Thanks for the smiles, Mck!

    • mckbirdbks profile image
      Author

      mckbirdbks 11 days ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      Hello Patty - Thank you. Too bad, our price of admission to this comic act is the selling out of what America stands for in the world. Why anyone stands by as our status in the world is diminished is beyond me. Our worst enemy turns out to be ourselves.

    • Patty Inglish, MS profile image

      Patty Inglish 11 days ago from North America

      This is hilarious. There should be plenty more laughs before 2020, in between the annoying behaviors and edicts.

    • mckbirdbks profile image
      Author

      mckbirdbks 11 days ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      Hello Shy – Oh, come on. The comedians of the past would have all of us in stitches with the material that we are being supplied. I am a poor substitute. This is the first time in our history that we have had a Porta-potus. As always thanks for the blessings. I distribute them in great quantity.

    • mckbirdbks profile image
      Author

      mckbirdbks 11 days ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      Hello Bill – I had fun with the G.I.M.P software making that picture possible. So, thanks for getting my joke. I too want to laugh, but the situation is deplorable. I saw the other day, an alt-right, notice talking about the 8 trillion rounds of ammunition that is waiting for those that try to remove the illegitimate president.

    • Shyron E Shenko profile image

      Shyron E Shenko 11 days ago from Texas

      Mike, I did enjoy this, but as Bill said trump is so offensive that it is hard to find humor in what he says and does. Only you have found a way put the funny in something not so funny.

      Always Blessings always.

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 11 days ago from Olympia, WA

      Okay, the opening picture had me howling. I've said before, I want to laugh badly, but Trump just pisses me off too much to find humor...but as a political satire, this is wonderful, so I'll enjoy it from that viewpoint.

    • mckbirdbks profile image
      Author

      mckbirdbks 11 days ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      Good morning mar - This was fun to put together. It strays from the other interviews a bit, but it still worked out ok from the perspective I was looking for.

      'Hey, hey were the monkeys and people say we monkey around,' - just wish the world was a little funnier.

    • marcoujor profile image

      Maria Jordan 11 days ago from Jeffersonville PA

      Dr Zaius: "I have always known about man. From the evidence, I believe his wisdom must walk hand and hand with his idiocy. His emotions must rule his brain. He must be a warlike creature who gives battle to everything around him, even himself."

      Never thought I'd see the POTA on the POTUS' back ... For that matter, I never thought I'd see an interview with more orange than a newly decorated 1960s home either.

      Your sense of humor is alive and kicking with these video choices, dear Mike. Good Tuesday morning and hugs, mar