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The Facts of Life: You Take the Good with the Bad - That's About It

Updated on March 29, 2012

The Facts of Life Theme Song

I was talking to my daughter tonight about a baseball signing she attended at our local mall. She mentioned that the people waiting for autographs had to split into two lines. One line had a meet-and-greet with 3 certain ball players and the other line had a meet-and-greet with three other ball players. Because of the number of people at the event you could only meet one trio of players. My daughter said it was humorous because the young girls all lined up to meet a certain young, attractive player and the real fans lined up to meet the projected next big player. Then Bette laughed and said the poor girls who chose the line with the young, attractive player also had to meet-and-greet the ugliest, goofiest looking player on the team. My response was “oh, they had to take the good with the bad”. THEN I started singing the theme song to the Facts of Life, a television sitcom that ran in America from August 24, 1979 to May 7, 1988.

Toilet | Source

I started thinking about all the things I didn’t learn from that television show. All the things that are a part of life but that rarely get discussed. And so here is my list of the facts of life.

1. There will always be someone better than you no matter how hard you try, so be happy with trying your best and knowing you gave it a shot.

2. Everyone poops. Really, they do. So don’t be ashamed to do the deed at work, school or a friend’s house. You’ll only make yourself miserable and get a belly ache from it in the long run,

3. Anyone who has a dog uses it as a vacuum at one time or another. Cereal box was empty except for the bazillion teensy crumbs? Your toddler knocked it over? No big deal. Heeeeeeeeere, Fido.

4. When someone says “what are you doing?” and you respond with “nothing” you are a big fat liar pants. You are, at any given point in time, doing several things. You are holding yourself erect so you don’t fall over, you are breathing so you don’t fall over, and you are thinking about doing nothing now that you gave that answer.

Grammar Lesson Anyone?

Funny church sign
Funny church sign | Source

5. ESL students have better grammar than most Americans. It’s true. I use prepositions at the end of sentences and my foreign friends all point it out to me. My favorite is “where’s my coat at?” And my friend says “No AT, your coat isn’t AT anything. You simply say ‘where’s my coat?’”

6. If you’re a parent you will always consider letting your kid win at games. Even if that kid is 30 and you’re playing bowling on the Wii.

7. The old saying "Well if you forgot what you were going to tell it must not have been important" is TRUE! I would venture to say that 98% of the time when I finally remember what I wanted to say it really was lame.

Please feel free to add your own facts of life in the comments below. I promise I will read (and probably respond to) every single one of them!!

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    • Ardie profile image

      Sondra 5 years ago from Neverland

      Mr. B, your facts of life are some of the funniest I've heard in a long time! "Choice barf locations" are exactly what my cats think of floors and shoes. Thanks for coming by and having a read :)

    • B. Leekley profile image

      Brian Leekley 5 years ago from Kalamazoo, Michigan, USA

      I hope you keep adding more facts of life. One I've noticed is that the more I put off not procrastinating, the behinder I get. Another is that what to me is a work area, to my cat is a sleeping area. Also, that what humans consider to be floor space intended for human foot traffic, cats consider choice barf locations. Another fact of life is that during love making mishaps in the dark, such as an elbow in the face, happen.

    • Ardie profile image

      Sondra 5 years ago from Neverland

      Thanks Sharyn! I get this theme song stuck in my head EVERY time I get a comment haha and you know misery loves company ;)

      Jeannie – pooping can be such a difficult subject but I mean really – I don’t get it! It’s one of the bodily functions we cannot help or stop :P Your friend was so unsure!! Imagine if you HAD told him to go out to the tree line hehehe “Here, take the Glade with you.”

      Hi thehug5! Poo is one of those things people try not to talk about. I was always the kid who would get a bellyache at school waiting until I got home (TMI? Hahah) I encourage my kids to poo at school. They get off the bus and I don’t say “How was your day?” I say “Did you poop at school today?” The kid that says yes without laughing gets the high-five!

      PDX! That’s a great fact of life and you said you would do anything for $20. So I invite you to come and clean up after my dog. His name is Meatball and he enjoys reduced fat Wheat Thins :)

    • PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

      Justin W Price 5 years ago from Juneau, Alaska

      so, facts of life was on for nine years and started in the 70's? wow!

      Here's a fact:

      if you own a dog, you will always have someone excited to see you when you come home, no matter how long you've been gone.

    • THEHuG5 profile image

      THEHuG5 5 years ago

      OMG I love this! These facts are hilariously true. My favorite was the everybody poops one. It's hard to believe that everyone does even though you know they do lol. Voting up and everything else :)

    • Jeannieinabottle profile image

      Jeannie InABottle 5 years ago from Baltimore, MD

      This is all so true. I especially like the line that everybody poops. One of my friends visited me the other day and he asked, "Are you sure it's OK to use your bathroom?" Ummm... yeah. I wasn't going to tell him to go outside and go behind a tree or something. Geez. There is a can of Glade spray sitting on the sink for a reason. Fun hub and voted hub!!!

    • Sharyn's Slant profile image

      Sharon Smith 5 years ago from Northeast Ohio USA

      Love your facts Ardie and they are all so true! Thanks for the laughs, it's okay that I will now go to bed with the darn theme song in my head :)

    • Ardie profile image

      Sondra 5 years ago from Neverland

      Aaw thanks billybuc! A laugh is good at any time of day if you ask me!! Anytime Libra boy ;)

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      I love this hub; nothing better than a good laugh at 10:17 in the morning. Thanks Libra girl!

    • Ardie profile image

      Sondra 5 years ago from Neverland

      BINGO Cagsil. I actually think the smarter a person is the more likely he or she is to do something stupid :)

    • Cagsil profile image

      Cagsil 5 years ago from USA or America

      Hey Ardie, here's a fact of life for you. Just because someone is intelligent it doesn't mean that they won't do something stupid. :P :) Voted up! Useful, funny, awesome and interesting. :)

    • Ardie profile image

      Sondra 5 years ago from Neverland

      Sooner! You're right. People aren't perfect so don't set yourself up for the disappointment. We tend to expect too much from our friends and family. Thanks for stopping in :)

    • profile image

      Sooner28 5 years ago

      I've used my dog as a vacuum far too often! Another fact of life (which is an awesome show) I would add is that people are not perfect, so expecting them to be could cause you pain in the long run. Funny hub, voted up!

    • Ardie profile image

      Sondra 5 years ago from Neverland

      Hi Raci :) I agree - we are each individuals for a we can make the world more diverse. And to compare ourselves to someone else only sets us up for disappointment. Thanks for reading!

    • raciniwa profile image

      raciniwa 5 years ago from Naga City, Cebu

      all of us have strengths and weaknesses, good side and dark side, being in the shoes of another doesn't make us smarter than the person...each also has a ghost to the best thing is to live the lives we the end of the road, what matters is how we live our life...comparing ourselves to others just make us miserable...

      great hub Ardie...

    • Ardie profile image

      Sondra 5 years ago from Neverland

      Hawkesdream, thanks for reading! When I was a kid I would always end up so sick to my stomach because I was afraid to use ANY bathroom hahah too much info? Sorry :)

      Jenubouka, Ha! No, they aren’t fun when you get an elbow, knee, or chin jabbed into them – ouch! Yah, I hate gravity :P

      RHW – I died laughing when I read your response to your boss!!!!!!!! “Yo! Where the towels be?” Im sure there was a nicer way he could’ve mentioned the use of a preposition at the end of a sentence…big jerk.

      Writer20, thanks for reading and enjoying and for the votes!! :)

    • writer20 profile image

      Joyce Haragsim 5 years ago from Southern Nevada

      Great reading Ardie, Voted up and interesting.

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Ardie - this is awesome! LOL

      I used to love that show!

      I had this really mean boss once - (and he was a well known journalist in St. Louis wouldn't that figure?) late one night I was trying to finish and go home at like 1am - I said to him - "Can you tell me where the clean bar towels are at?" he snapped back "never end your sentence with a preposition!" and I said "ok then - where the bar towels be?" hahaahaha he got real mad, lol

    • profile image

      jenubouka 5 years ago

      Beautifully put Ardie. These are the true facts of life. As a mother we sadly realize they aren't fun bags, and they are not inflatable at that.

    • Hawkesdream profile image

      Hawkesdream 5 years ago from Cornwall

      This is so funny, more so because it's true.

      It has been known to have belly ache, just waiting for the silence,and the knowledge that you are alone. lol

      I have a vacuum too, he's called Pickles, and a great help when the kids are up.

    • Ardie profile image

      Sondra 5 years ago from Neverland

      Hi Marcy! I have been trying to get an email to you :P I dont know why it keeps coming back as undeliverable. Anyways, Im so glad to see you here! I thought maybe you left HubPages. I love the edit. Its not just writing but so many things that we think "I would've done that differently". But then we lose our experiences that make us who we are. Excellent fact of life. Accept what you have and what you did - it'll make for a happier you in the long run :D

      Hi Haunty :) Im glad the vac-dog got you laughing. This was one of those Hubs I got stuck in my head without warning and jotted on paper in 5 minutes. Can you tell? Hahaha DONT answer that!

      Hello Gypsy, Thanks for the votes :D Keeping the faith is another great fact of life. You can make it through the toughest of times if you have faith and find strength in that faith. As for Sid, GO Sid hahah A cat-vac!

    • Gypsy Rose Lee profile image

      Gypsy Rose Lee 5 years ago from Riga, Latvia

      Voted up and funny. It's all so true Ardie. You just have to be satisfied with what you have, do your best and be happy. It also helps if you keep the faith because a lot of times I've found myself saying Oh, Lord!! about something that has gone wrong and I think yes, the Lord and I say a little prayer and before I know it I really do feel better. The vacuum cleaner in my house is my cat Sid. lol

    • Haunty profile image

      Haunty 5 years ago from Hungary

      The thought of using the dog as a vacuum got me laughing so hard I almost forgot my own fact of life. Well-done, Ardie!

      The career of a writer can be compared to that of a woman of easy virtue. First you write for pleasure, then for the pleasure of others, and finally for money.

    • Marcy Goodfleisch profile image

      Marcy Goodfleisch 5 years ago from Planet Earth

      So true, so true! Voted up and funny (we need an ironic button, or a thought-provoking button)

      Another fact of life, no matter how well you do something, you'll always edit it in your mind later and wonder why you didn't do it a tad differently, or better, or sooner (or even later). Get over it, and savor the fact that you accomplished what you did.