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The First Voice of the Fly

Updated on March 5, 2014

I was in my dorm, chillin' like a villain in my Fortress of Brah-litude, feet up on the lazy boy and a brewskie in my hand. No classes today, but I prob'ly woulda ditched if there was. Ain't got time for that. Jersey Shore was getting cancelled, so I thought I would send it off right by watching all the episodes, like a Viking Funeral thing. Had a six-pack on me (and some beers too, whaaat!) and a whole case or two in the fridge, so I was chuggin' like a choo choo train while I watched. Was just getting comfy 'round the third or fourth episode, felt the buzz kicking in, when I heard some other kind of buzzing. Wasn't so sure at first, but it got louder. I started looking around for the gay little fly, but I couldn't see anything 'cause of my sunglasses. I took them off just in time for the fly to zoom into my neck. It got caught and bounced between my traps and my popped collar like a pinball before flying out. It flew away. Too little too late, bro. Shit's on like Donkey Kong.

I stood up too fast and almost dropped. The room was spinning. Had to get a fly swatter. I went to the kitchen to grab one. I only saw a spatula, and I was like, whatevs. Close enough. I fumbled with it before picking it up, knocking down a few spoons and forks—my head throbbed when they fell. I rubbed my fist against my forehead and I looked for the fly. I saw it on the wall on the other side of the room, and get this, it wasn't moving. Score! I stepped over an empty Coors box by the garbage can, but my other foot banged against it and I tripped, bringing the trash down with me. I lay there on the floor for a sec as my head pounded. My stomach was like “bluh” and I felt like I was gonna hurl, but I got up. The fly was still there. Thanks, Jesus, I owe you one. I walked over with my hands pressed against the wall to keep myself from falling. I got closer and closer, getting ready to attack. I hiccuped, panicked, and swung the spatula. It smashed against the wall, totally pancaking the fly. The noise itself totally killed, and I fell back into the lazy boy and just kinda laid there for a while until I blacked out.

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