The First (and Last) Interview With "Me"
I wish I had been around in the 1940's and have an office job working in the entertainment business
Hi, Folks! Don't Be Alarmed!
It's only me. Well, the real me giving my first and probably last, interview about the things about me that you do not know. And may not care to know.
But I wanted to go off the 'beaten path,' for a while and just kick-back. Relax. And talk to you about some things that are a part of my makeup. Character. And why I'm the way I am today.
I am not going to promise that this story will change your life. In any way. Or neither will you take this story to your workplace and share it with your colleagues.
I can promise you that the things (about me) in this story are all true. True to the bone. And I hope, that for a fleeting moment, you will be entertained.
~~~ Kenneth Avery
I admired the late-billionaire, Howard Hughes. Not as much for his money. Power. Or popularity. But for his reclusive lifestyle--living on an entire floor of some swanky motel after the other. Being taken care of by a well-trained entourage. And if Huges liked the motel, he up and bought it. That was my idol, of sorts, Howard Hughes.
Hughes seldom gave interviews. He felt it an imposition. An intrusive attempt to "dig out" his personal business and make them nothing but 'water cooler talk' in some farm implement company in Omaha, Nebraska. Or some other place. Hughes lived a strict. Disciplined. Life. And fired people on the spot for challenging his decisions.
I said all of that to say that I admired Howard Hughes for his reclusive lifestyle that affored him the luxury (and peace of mind) to conduct his personal affairs as they should be handled. Personal. None of the world's business.
I have, after several aggravating phone calls, finally caved-in and agreed to give this "magazine" that's published out of Daytona Beach, Florida, a personal interview. And it will probably be my last interview, for I am like Howard Hughes in keeping my personal affairs. Business. Dreams. Goals. Just that. Personal. Until now.
I'm being interviewed by a female reporter, a lovely and talented girl, who only wants to be referred to as, "MM," so with that, we go to my living room where I am relaxing with a hot cup of Community coffee as MM starts with my first personal interview.
DISCLAIMER: this interview with me, was totally-unrehearsed. Unplanned. And the responses "I" give in this interview or not necessarily those of management, monitors, editors of HubPages. (Kenneth Avery)
REV. BILLY GRAHAM
"MM": Kenneth, whom do you fear the most?"
Well, MM, you do look familiar. What's your name?
"MM": (giggles), 'Mary McQueen, sir. I work for Florida Illustrated magazine. We have over a million readers. We publish mostly tour information about our great state of Florida and have a section of people who are mostly-unknown, no offense, like you, Kenneth. So that is why I wanted so badly, to interview you. I think your interview will 'add something" to our magazine.
ME: thank you. Thank you kindly. Oh, now your question. I fear the Reverend Billy Graham the most for he so enlightened. Spiritually-intelligent, that I would be very awkward. Nervous in his presence---for fear I would say the wrong word. Or shoot-off a clean one-liner, but to Billy, it might be sinful. I do fear him, MM. That is why I do not wish to talk to him. Ever.
"Kenneth, what girl singer, if she gave a concert, would you like to hear?"
MM, that's very easy. Bobbie Gentry. And why is so simple. Just listen to her all-time hit, "Ode To Billy Joe," and you will hear her raspy, throaty and very-sexy voice tell the tale of this Billy Joe McAllister who jumped to his death on the Tallahatchee Bridge. She is very interesting. And talented. And I think Jim Stafford, her ex-husband and used-to-be singing star, is an idiot for divorcing her. I sure wouldn't have been that stupid. You can bank on that, MM.
LEGENDARY COMIC, JOE E. BROWN
"Kenneth, may I ask you what you would have liked to been in life, if you could go back and start over?"
Sure, MM. No problem. A clown. That's all. Just a clown. A guy who lives behind a mask seven days or nights a week for one solitary reason: to entertain the kids and grown-ups who buy a ticket to the circus where I happen to be working. I would have been content with this station in life. There is an unspoken. Unsung art to making people laugh. I would have loved this role very much. MM, there are two groups of people in life: one, people who work to make people laugh and two, people WHO DO make people laugh. Remember that.
MM: (giggles) awww, Kenneth, you are a genius with a warm heart. My next question is:
"What celebrity do you idolize?"
Curly Howard. Plain. Simple. To me, he was the backbone of the Three Stooges, the iconic comedy act that thrilled audiences world wide. With is real brother, Moe, and good friend, Larry Fine, the Three Stooges were household words. Now they were not considered 'clowns,' as in the circus, but visual comedy masters, by many critics. The Stooges mastered the slap-stick methods of falling, hitting each other with axes, chairs and even their own fists, and made it look funny.
THE LOVELY MARILYN MONROE
"Kenneth, let me ask this as delicately as I can, what female celebrity do you fear the most?"
Fear the most? Hey, that is a tough question, but I'd have to say, Norma Jean, or the famous and gorgeous, Marilyn Monroe. Why I feared or would have feared her is that with people as creative and spontaneous as Marilyn, you never know what they are going to do or say next. It's like walking in a mine field. One wrong move and you're toast. She was though a superstar before her time. But not as, pardon the word, 'dumb,' as many thought. She, to me, was more of a victim of her own fame than anything else. And bad advice from greedy managers. She was very talented. And one who could strike fear in my heart.
THE SUPER-TALENTED PLATTERS
"Okay, Kenneth. This is a hard question, so think carefully. If you could sing like any group or individual, who would it have been?
Without question, the Platters. God must have gave them a tripe-helping of singing talent as all of their songs went to the top instantaneously. Their smooth, mellow sounds made everyone feel good. I have this secret fantasy, that until now, no one knows. I've always dreamed of being able to sing "Only You," as good as the Platters to 'the' one girl. The love of my life. Sorry, that IS a secret, and just let the song carry her and I away on the melody of our hearts beating. But God knows. And I know. That is only a fantasy. A good one. But only a fantasy.
"Kenneth, you told which comedian you wanted to be like, now tell me who you WOULDN'T want to be like?"
Jerry Seinfield. No question. And I say this because to me, he is a narcassist. Self-absorbed. It shows in his interviews on television. Next time you see him in an interview, if you can, count the many times he uses the noun, "I," as in I've done this. I'm working on this. And yes, "I" was responsible for Seinfield. Yak. Yak. Yak. Personally, Michael "Kramer" Richards, Jason "George" Alexander and Julia "Elaine" Louis-Dreyfus, made that show. Not just Jerry. Truth is, I watch Seinfield reruns for these three stars who are true-comics who don't have to work at being funny.
MASTERPIECE PHOTO OF A WOMAN
"Kenneth, this is my last question. Name a few immoral acts that you wouldn't do for fame or fortune?"
Well, that's a tough one, MM. Okay. Stealing from anyone. No matter what it is--food, money, clothing, their reputation. I am not a thief. And besides "Thou shalt not steal," is still in effect. And well, adultery is something that hurts more people than just the two involved, so mark off adultery and go on and mark out being a heartless drunkard, wife, child or animal abuser. Oh yeah, being so arrogant and vain that I have to live in a mirror factory, and I guess the last one, self-important. I cannot force myself to depend on anyone but God for my very life here and after I am dust. Have I answered your questions okay, MM?
MM: yes, Kenneth. You have. Before I leave, are you sure that you do not recognize me?
ME: I said before, you look very familiar.
MM: (giggles, covers her mouth): you know the show, Days of Our Lives?
ME: No! It cannot be! No way. Awww, man, is it really you, Martha Madison?
MM: (giggles again) you couldn't tell by my long, blond hair? Man, are you slow, Kenneth. I am now doing some research work for a new role I'm doing for a television movie about a female magazine writer who has the daunting task of interviewing this ONE GUY on some website for writers who always picks out established celebrities and pretends to have lunch with them Or worse, he makes up things they cannot do just cos' they are celebrities.
ME: Sounds great, Martha. Have you found 'the' guy yet who you will be interviewing for your movie?
MM (says as he walks out my front door): I was right . . .he is . . .S--L--O--W.!