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The First (and Last) Interview With "Me"

Updated on December 19, 2011

I wish I had been around in the 1940's and have an office job working in the entertainment business

Hi, Folks! Don't Be Alarmed!

It's only me. Well, the real me giving my first and probably last, interview about the things about me that you do not know. And may not care to know.

But I wanted to go off the 'beaten path,' for a while and just kick-back. Relax. And talk to you about some things that are a part of my makeup. Character. And why I'm the way I am today.

I am not going to promise that this story will change your life. In any way. Or neither will you take this story to your workplace and share it with your colleagues.

I can promise you that the things (about me) in this story are all true. True to the bone. And I hope, that for a fleeting moment, you will be entertained.

~~~ Kenneth Avery

I admired the late-billionaire, Howard Hughes. Not as much for his money. Power. Or popularity. But for his reclusive lifestyle--living on an entire floor of some swanky motel after the other. Being taken care of by a well-trained entourage. And if Huges liked the motel, he up and bought it. That was my idol, of sorts, Howard Hughes.

Hughes seldom gave interviews. He felt it an imposition. An intrusive attempt to "dig out" his personal business and make them nothing but 'water cooler talk' in some farm implement company in Omaha, Nebraska. Or some other place. Hughes lived a strict. Disciplined. Life. And fired people on the spot for challenging his decisions.

I said all of that to say that I admired Howard Hughes for his reclusive lifestyle that affored him the luxury (and peace of mind) to conduct his personal affairs as they should be handled. Personal. None of the world's business.

I have, after several aggravating phone calls, finally caved-in and agreed to give this "magazine" that's published out of Daytona Beach, Florida, a personal interview. And it will probably be my last interview, for I am like Howard Hughes in keeping my personal affairs. Business. Dreams. Goals. Just that. Personal. Until now.

I'm being interviewed by a female reporter, a lovely and talented girl, who only wants to be referred to as, "MM," so with that, we go to my living room where I am relaxing with a hot cup of Community coffee as MM starts with my first personal interview.

DISCLAIMER: this interview with me, was totally-unrehearsed. Unplanned. And the responses "I" give in this interview or not necessarily those of management, monitors, editors of HubPages. (Kenneth Avery)


"MM": Kenneth, whom do you fear the most?"

Well, MM, you do look familiar. What's your name?

"MM": (giggles), 'Mary McQueen, sir. I work for Florida Illustrated magazine. We have over a million readers. We publish mostly tour information about our great state of Florida and have a section of people who are mostly-unknown, no offense, like you, Kenneth. So that is why I wanted so badly, to interview you. I think your interview will 'add something" to our magazine.

ME: thank you. Thank you kindly. Oh, now your question. I fear the Reverend Billy Graham the most for he so enlightened. Spiritually-intelligent, that I would be very awkward. Nervous in his presence---for fear I would say the wrong word. Or shoot-off a clean one-liner, but to Billy, it might be sinful. I do fear him, MM. That is why I do not wish to talk to him. Ever.


"Kenneth, what girl singer, if she gave a concert, would you like to hear?"

MM, that's very easy. Bobbie Gentry. And why is so simple. Just listen to her all-time hit, "Ode To Billy Joe," and you will hear her raspy, throaty and very-sexy voice tell the tale of this Billy Joe McAllister who jumped to his death on the Tallahatchee Bridge. She is very interesting. And talented. And I think Jim Stafford, her ex-husband and used-to-be singing star, is an idiot for divorcing her. I sure wouldn't have been that stupid. You can bank on that, MM.


"Kenneth, may I ask you what you would have liked to been in life, if you could go back and start over?"

Sure, MM. No problem. A clown. That's all. Just a clown. A guy who lives behind a mask seven days or nights a week for one solitary reason: to entertain the kids and grown-ups who buy a ticket to the circus where I happen to be working. I would have been content with this station in life. There is an unspoken. Unsung art to making people laugh. I would have loved this role very much. MM, there are two groups of people in life: one, people who work to make people laugh and two, people WHO DO make people laugh. Remember that.


MM: (giggles) awww, Kenneth, you are a genius with a warm heart. My next question is:

"What celebrity do you idolize?"

Curly Howard. Plain. Simple. To me, he was the backbone of the Three Stooges, the iconic comedy act that thrilled audiences world wide. With is real brother, Moe, and good friend, Larry Fine, the Three Stooges were household words. Now they were not considered 'clowns,' as in the circus, but visual comedy masters, by many critics. The Stooges mastered the slap-stick methods of falling, hitting each other with axes, chairs and even their own fists, and made it look funny.


"Kenneth, let me ask this as delicately as I can, what female celebrity do you fear the most?"

Fear the most? Hey, that is a tough question, but I'd have to say, Norma Jean, or the famous and gorgeous, Marilyn Monroe. Why I feared or would have feared her is that with people as creative and spontaneous as Marilyn, you never know what they are going to do or say next. It's like walking in a mine field. One wrong move and you're toast. She was though a superstar before her time. But not as, pardon the word, 'dumb,' as many thought. She, to me, was more of a victim of her own fame than anything else. And bad advice from greedy managers. She was very talented. And one who could strike fear in my heart.



"Okay, Kenneth. This is a hard question, so think carefully. If you could sing like any group or individual, who would it have been?

Without question, the Platters. God must have gave them a tripe-helping of singing talent as all of their songs went to the top instantaneously. Their smooth, mellow sounds made everyone feel good. I have this secret fantasy, that until now, no one knows. I've always dreamed of being able to sing "Only You," as good as the Platters to 'the' one girl. The love of my life. Sorry, that IS a secret, and just let the song carry her and I away on the melody of our hearts beating. But God knows. And I know. That is only a fantasy. A good one. But only a fantasy.


"Kenneth, you told which comedian you wanted to be like, now tell me who you WOULDN'T want to be like?"

Jerry Seinfield. No question. And I say this because to me, he is a narcassist. Self-absorbed. It shows in his interviews on television. Next time you see him in an interview, if you can, count the many times he uses the noun, "I," as in I've done this. I'm working on this. And yes, "I" was responsible for Seinfield. Yak. Yak. Yak. Personally, Michael "Kramer" Richards, Jason "George" Alexander and Julia "Elaine" Louis-Dreyfus, made that show. Not just Jerry. Truth is, I watch Seinfield reruns for these three stars who are true-comics who don't have to work at being funny.


"Kenneth, this is my last question. Name a few immoral acts that you wouldn't do for fame or fortune?"

Well, that's a tough one, MM. Okay. Stealing from anyone. No matter what it is--food, money, clothing, their reputation. I am not a thief. And besides "Thou shalt not steal," is still in effect. And well, adultery is something that hurts more people than just the two involved, so mark off adultery and go on and mark out being a heartless drunkard, wife, child or animal abuser. Oh yeah, being so arrogant and vain that I have to live in a mirror factory, and I guess the last one, self-important. I cannot force myself to depend on anyone but God for my very life here and after I am dust. Have I answered your questions okay, MM?

MM: yes, Kenneth. You have. Before I leave, are you sure that you do not recognize me?

ME: I said before, you look very familiar.

MM: (giggles, covers her mouth): you know the show, Days of Our Lives?

ME: No! It cannot be! No way. Awww, man, is it really you, Martha Madison?

MM: (giggles again) you couldn't tell by my long, blond hair? Man, are you slow, Kenneth. I am now doing some research work for a new role I'm doing for a television movie about a female magazine writer who has the daunting task of interviewing this ONE GUY on some website for writers who always picks out established celebrities and pretends to have lunch with them Or worse, he makes up things they cannot do just cos' they are celebrities.

ME: Sounds great, Martha. Have you found 'the' guy yet who you will be interviewing for your movie?

MM (says as he walks out my front door): I was right . . .he is . . .S--L--O--W.!


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    • kenneth avery profile image

      Kenneth Avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Dearest Freya,

      Thanks, my good friend, for your warm comment. And thank YOU for LIKING my hub. And I return the nicety of saying that YOU are far-more talented than I. Keep up the great work.


    • Freya Cesare profile image

      Freya Cesare 5 years ago from Borneo Island, Indonesia

      Kenneth Avery, you are simply a man who DO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH. I love the ending. Bravo!!!

    • kenneth avery profile image

      Kenneth Avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      12/26...just logged on around 10:30 a.m./cst

      Dearest Susan...I loved Curly! He took most of the beatings, but history said that Moe had to literally threaten his life to show up for work because Curly was stricken with stage-fright. Can you believe that? It's hard to believe. I dont watch Days anymore since Martha is not on there anymore. But she did a fine job of portraying Belle Black. And I like to be interviewed by you, Susan. I CAN exercise self-control. Some. Thanks for the kind comments and vote. I hope that you have the best New Year---EVER! Fondly,Kenneth

    • profile image

      Sueswan 5 years ago

      Dearest Kenneth

      Curly was my favourite Stooge. :-)

      Do you still watch Days of our Life?

      Martha did a great job of interviewing you.

      I would have had a hard time interviewing you because I would be too busy laughing.

      Voted up up and away!

      Merry Christmas!

    • kenneth avery profile image

      Kenneth Avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama


      Hi, Audrey! Thank you so MUCH, for this "swell," (50's slang) comment. I appreciate YOU so much. And I can say the same about your creativity which overshadows mine and I am not complaining. I love to associate with creative writers, like yourself, thus I can learn from you and improve my hub quality. Happy holidays to you, Audrey and be safe.

    • AudreyHowitt profile image

      Audrey Howitt 5 years ago from California

      Very clever and creative write Kenneth! And what a great sense of humor! Happy holidays to you!!

    • kenneth avery profile image

      Kenneth Avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama


      Dearest Nellieanna . . ."Thank you for the sweet Christmas wish. I sincerely APPRECIATE it. I think that now, with Christmas only a few days away, I am going to just "cruise," and not push myself so much. My body took a beating in the last three days with the rain, cold weather Im having where I live, and these conditions really excite the Accelerated Fibromyalgia and Neurohopy...and its not much fun. Im so excited about the poetry contest to see who won and such. That was fun contest. Okay. I am going to close now and wish YOU a Special Wish for a Safe and Happy Night, dear Nellie.

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 5 years ago from TEXAS

      Wishing you a Merry Christmas from me!

    • kenneth avery profile image

      Kenneth Avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hi, Angela,

      you are very SWEET to say that to me. I thank you, kindly, but it is YOU, and my GREAT Gang of Followers, who make MY days better. I know this. God's hand did have a lot to do with putting YOU all on my list...there is not a one of you who isnt talented, friendly, and REAL. No fakes in the lot. I do love you all. Kenneth

    • kenneth avery profile image

      Kenneth Avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Dearest Friend, Mary...from last eveing at 4:30 p.m., cst to 1 a.m. today, cst, was a my wife's family Christmas party in another state...short story here...between the loudness, jarring of the road, etc., my nerves were shot. Back, head, spine, joints, all of me was aching and I was pleading with God to just take me home. I wont lie, Mary. But today, 12/21, it's quiet. Im at home. I still hurt, but I managed to wrap my wife's gifts..scared to death that I wouldnt do it just so so...and took a shower, meds, now ready to crash. Mary, You are a TERRIFIC friend and follower. And writer. I appreciate YOU SO MUCH. When springtime rolls around, LOOK OUT! I will be here 110%....good day to you.

    • Angela Blair profile image

      Angela Blair 5 years ago from Central Texas

      A stunner -- so very cleverly done! You made a good day even better, Kenneth -- thanks! Voted Up! Best, Sis

    • mary615 profile image

      Mary Hyatt 5 years ago from Florida

      So good to see you still have your wonderful sense of humor! You're a trip! Hope you are feeling better these days, and I do hope you and yours have a blessed Christmas. Goodnight, friend.

    • kenneth avery profile image

      Kenneth Avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Chris . . .thank you, friend. That makes me feel better. If I cant meet these celebrities, I can sure dream about them. She wouldnt be comfortable visiting me in Alabama anyway. But seriously. Did you know she comes from Virginia? Wow, a long way from Virginia to Hollywood, but maybe I judged too quickly. She would probably like a slice of apple pie. Anyway, Chris. Thanks for all of your comments and have a Blessed CHRISTmas!

    • CMerritt profile image

      Chris Merritt 5 years ago from Pendleton, Indiana

      Kenneth, now THAT was some good stuff!!

      all very believable! You have such truthfulness about you...I loved this interview!

      very well written and very enjoyable!


    • kenneth avery profile image

      Kenneth Avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      . . .THANK YOU, Jools, for your SWEET comment. Okay. This will NOT be my last interview, but I have to wait until some other celeb calls and calls to get me to come out of seclusion. I promise. And I do appreciate YOU and ALL of my followers that I pray God will bless with the Best Christmas EVER. Kenneth

    • kenneth avery profile image

      Kenneth Avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama


      Hi, vocalcoach . . .I sincerely THANK YOU, for the kind comments on this hub. Notice in artwork to the right--Joe E. Brown, in clown poster and Curly Howard, a stooge? What better way to make little kids(and adults) smile than to be a clown? God made everything, and everyone, to serve a purpose. Clowns included. Ive always dreamed of being a GOOD clown. You would think that Ive dreamed of talking to Martha Madison, but no, she is on another level that I cannot reach. So clowning is a feasible goal to attain. Right?

    • Jools99 profile image

      Jools99 5 years ago from North-East UK

      Kenneth, loved this and please,please don't make it your last interview! The world of tabloid entertainment lies in wait for real people's lives; you're more interesting than any of those celebrities. This was so entertaining, I thoroughly enjoyed every word. Take care.

    • vocalcoach profile image

      Audrey Hunt 5 years ago from Nashville Tn.

      Kenneth - A marvelous and very entertaining interview. Very clever.You, my friend are a huge talent! Love your hubs so much!


    • kenneth avery profile image

      Kenneth Avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Dear Nellieanna,

      Thanks to you, Dear Friend, for your supportive comment that means the world to me. I guess Im the only fool on hubs who goes over the edge to thank my followers as much as I can. Its just that YOU ALL are All Blessings from God. And I know thats true. Thats why I want to be as good to you all as I can. Yes, Nellie, Im indebted to you, Polly and all who have followed me, commented, and advised me in the past 7 months. Without YOU all, I would have sank. Thank God for you all. Love, Kenneth

    • kenneth avery profile image

      Kenneth Avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      THANK YOU VERY MUCH . . .Dear Pollyannalana! You are a gem. A rare diamond no doubt. You and all of my followers have really helped me since Ive been on hubs. So much that I cannot repay you all for your genuine goodness. And I LOVE YOU ALL. Great Followers. Friends. And the Best of Writers are ON MY FOLLOWERS LIST. I am honest. Kenneth

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 5 years ago from TEXAS

      So entertaining, Kenneth - and imaginative! You're an original! Hugs.

    • Pollyannalana profile image

      Pollyannalana 5 years ago from US

      Great characters and such a lovely picture of Marilyn, most unusual. You have a flair, great stuff.


    • picklesandrufus profile image

      picklesandrufus 5 years ago from Virginia Beach, Va

      loved it Kenneth. thank you for sharing!!

    • kenneth avery profile image

      Kenneth Avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Dear Deborah...Im blushing. Honest. Thank you for your sweet and warm comment. I do have THE BEST followers in teh world. I mean that. And I love your visits. Be good and I will see you again.

    • kenneth avery profile image

      Kenneth Avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Dear Kris . . .YOU, MY FRIEND, ARE VERY-WELCOME! You made MY day with YOUR comment. And please visit with me often. I have but my PC, coffee and some old books, a few birds outside, to keep me from going sane. Get it? Going sane. Just kidding. But please visit often. Merry Christmas, Kris.

    • kenneth avery profile image

      Kenneth Avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      ThoughtSandwiches . . .I've always referred to Shemp,and that old man, Joe, as NON Stooges. Rookies. Green horns. And I cannot face God with a clear conscience by telling anyone I am a Seinfeld fan. As for Elaine, YES. Gentry...would still like to buy her a mealoaf, mashed potatoes, wheat roll lunch at any small diner in Mississippi. I am serious. And Thoughts...check out the hub of mine, "10 Things Martha Madison Cannot Do," which I fondly dedicated to YOU, my friend. All for you. Oh, I got to run. I might miss the 3 p.m. (cst) to Miami! Thanks for the great comment. Appreciate it.

    • Deborah Brooks profile image

      Deborah Brooks Langford 5 years ago from Brownsville,TX

      The is the funniest HUB.. You are a riot... I think I am in love with your HUBS... LOL..

      Merry Christmas

    • Kris Heeter profile image

      Kris Heeter 5 years ago from Indiana

      Loved your hub and the interview. Thanks for making my day:)

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile image

      ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada


      The State of Florida is wealthier for this is Hubpages.

      We share a scary amount of similarities in comedic opinions. Curly? A master...woe was the entry of Curly "joe" and (barf) Shemp.

      I will note the next interview with Seinfeld...I agree...I always found Jerry to be the foil for the other three...I love Elaine!

      Bobbie Gentry was haunting...

      Love the interview!