The Gospel of Gobnar - Oglith
Introduction - The Gospel According to Oglith
The following is a sort of parody of Christianity. It is the Gospel of Gobnar according to Oglith, one of his disciples. The original idea to re-do the familiar Biblical Gospels with the elements of fantasy came from a poorly done drawing I created for one of my hubs. After repeatedly being told by Christians that Jesus died for me and that one day I would be judged while kneeling before God I decided to point out how silly Christianity is by replacing God and Jesus with a heavenly Goblin King and his son Gobnar. So I can now ask any Christians who might be reading this: Do you now believe in Gobnar? NO? Than I think you see why similar statements about Jesus fail to persuade others.
The story will contain plenty of spelling and grammatical errors many added on purpose because it was meant to be written by a goblin instead of a human being. The Gospel According to Oglith follows the Gospel of Matthew and chronicles the birth of Gobnar, his death, ministry and the gathering of his nine and a half disciples (3 orcs, 6 goblins and a gnome) and resurrection. Enjoy and let me know what you think in the comments, if I get some positive feed back I might do the other three Gospels.
The Photo that started it all
Chapter One: Father of the Savior
I be Oglith the Wise, disciple of Gobnar. This be the genealogy of the savior of our world, Gobnar the Goblin Prince. Gobnar was descended of good orc and goblin blood, no filthy trolls or dwarves polluted his lineage. It is said that the Goblin King himself, from on high, kept his lineage pure by forming the nation of Urgrael and ordaining a chosen people. This be that lineage of heroes and kings of old.
Maladek begat Izak
Izak begat Kiroll
Kirroll begat Shorok
Shorok begat Timeon the Elder
Timeon begat Iggtron
Iggtron begat Turor the Smelly
Turror begat Ugthill
Ugthill begat the great King Thillion
And then umm... well, the lineage becomes a bit fuzzy and all me source scrolls ink is smudgy but after a few more centuries of Goblin and Orc humping it goes.
Hurok begat Orthrox
Othrox begat Weyog
Weyog was the Father of our Lord and Savior, Gobnar.
Now this be the story of how goblinkin came to save all of creation, from sexy Goblin chicks and massive Frost Giants to lowly grotesque humans and their smelly cities. It came to pass that Weyog, Father of our Lord, took to himself two orc women and one goblin girl and asked their hand in marriage. Each of them said yes and so Weyog was excited but worried that he would have to choose as Goblin law only allowed him to take one wife. Weyog lay his head on pillow that night and looked up at sky. He prayed to the great Goblin King of Heaven to send him a sign and tell him which woman he should marry. So Weyog went beddy bye hoping that him prayer would be answered.
Then came an angoblin, an angel of the great Goblin King of Heaven, to Weyog in a dream. The angel saideth unto Weyog, "Ye are most blessed of goblinkin for this night your wife was made with child."
Weyog replied, "I don't recall drinking that much."
The angel replied, with voice like thunder, "No ye dunderhead, the spirit of the great Goblin King has come unto yer future Bride. Ye shall know who it is by seeing that she is already showing. Tis no ordinary child Weyog, son of Orthrox and blessed of ELWY. He will be born of a virgin, just like the prophecy says."
"What shall the son of milord be called?" Asked a reverent Weyog.
"Ye shall calls him Gobnar," said the angoblin, "For he shall be a savior among all nations. And ye shall take your pregnant bride to BRUTUS GATE to be born."
Chapter Two: Angoblins We Have Heard on High
Weyog woke next morning with terrible headache next to empty bottle of ale. At first he thought he just been drunk. He came outside and inspected his three potential brides and was astonished to find one of them with child, the goblin girl Urdonna. Know he knew it was no dream. He married her then and there and took her on the back of a horse toward Brutus Gate East of his hometown. There the king of the land demanded a census of orcs, goblins, dwarves and humans alike. All who resided in that region reported to Brutus Gate to be counted.
Weyog and his wife arrived late and none of the inns would accept goblin coin. Angry and afraid they took shelter in a nearby cave where an old hermit lived. Gobnar was born in the cave. In the sky over the cave hung a bright light.
The star alerted several Mages from the east from a Kingdom called Orentia. They came to their King, King Olrech, and asked him if they could go and see the baby, who would one day be a King because of what some prophets said and also because of astrology. They traveled to see the baby and presented to him gifts. One Mage gave him mutton, another gave him a wand filled with spells, and another gave him a powerful battle-axe with many enchantments. They returned to their King, but Olrech was furious and declared that all goblin babies in the land should be killed. See Olrech was a stinky human and they no like goblins especially goblins who are son of Heavenly Goblin King.
So Gobnar's Father, Weyog, was visited in a dream by another angel and told to take his son and wife to hide in Egryptia to avoid the wrath of that wicked human Olrech. They hid in Egryptia for two years until Olrech was stabbed through the heart by an Ogre's spear when he made fun of the Ogre's mother. Then an angoblin came before Weyog again and telled him it was safe to return.
"Get up sleepy dope," the angoblin said, "Olrech is dead. Take your son and wife to the city of Hammers Fall for it is safe now."
So Weyog obeyed the angel of ELWY so that all would be set right as put forth in the prophecy saying, "Ye shall know him for he lived in Hammers Fall."
Chapter Three: Gobnar seeks out Juron
Okay so then lot's of stuff happened that none of us remember. Like we all ate some bad mushrooms or something and now our memories be fuzzy. Cause the next time we check in on Gobnar he's already a grown goblin. Gobnar grew up into fine Goblin man, he felled many a filthy human in battle. But at round thirty years old something change within him.
It came to pass that out in the wilderness lived an orc named Juron the Ugly. He was preacher for ELWY, the Great Goblin King in sky. Juron knew that Gobnar was on the way because ELWY had told him. So he would yell at all the orcs and goblins and humans who walked by and preach to them the ways of the Goblin King to all them heathens.
He wore a loin cloth of warg hair and smelled like a Ogres rear end. He stood out in wilderness shouting: "Prepare ye the way of Gobnar. All ye filthy humans repent, and ye elves and stupid dwarves who spend all yer time mining gold. Repent and ELWY will show ye mercy!"
All of Juron's followers would come down to water of river Blargg to be washed of their sins and odors. Taking a bath was an orcs worst nightmare and getting smelly humans to bathe wasn't easy either but their filthy souls needed it big time so Juron kept preaching.
One day Gobnar came to Juron to be baptized in the waters. It was to be Gobnars first bath and he was scared, as any goblin rightly would be. The spooky waters glistened as Juron urged Gobnar on with a cloud of flies round his loincloth. Then Gobnar entered the river Blarrg and was swept away downstream.
Gobnar woke few hours later surrounded by humans poking him with sticks. He got up and was about to bonk their heads with his wooden club when a light from heaven burnt out their eyes and their skin burst into flames. A voice was heard from Heaven saying:
"Hey you guys, leave my son alone!"
Chapter Four: The Nine and a Half Disciples
Then Gobnar walked out of the river and into the great desert that lay before him. He wandered for dozens of hours in the heat battling giant scorpions and marauding highwaymen. He based their heads in. His true enemy was thirst and soon came the Devil, Ignisus.
Ignisis had water in a small pouch. He dangled it in front of Gobnar, our Savior, with a mischievous evil laugh and grin.
"If you are the son of the Goblin King," the Devil chided, "then kill me and take this water."
Gobnar answered, "Our Lord ELWY has said that orc and goblin shall not live by violence alone."
Ignisus offered Gobnar great power but Gobnar turned him down about that as well. Gobnar knew he was son of ELWY and he walked from desert back to where Juron stood.
Gobnar decided he should start his own ministry and that he would never bathe again. He went out looking for his first disciples. Soon he came across an orc who was battling a Dragon with a goblin close beside him. Gobnar stopped and asked them what they were doing.
“We bout kill dragon,” the orc replied, “We seekers of loot.”
“Come,” Gobnar bade them, “I shall make you seekers of eternal loot.”
They joined his group, these were Yerik the Slayer and Obolo the zealot. Then Gobnar went forward to the town of Westerfield and saw him there two more goblins. These were beating a man to death with their bare hands. He bade them follow and they did. And so Gobnar assembled the Nine and a Half Disciples. Six Goblins there were, and three orcs and lastly a gnome. These you know as Elgar the Elder, Obolo the zealot, Yerik the Slayer, Zerix the tax collector, Ian the Surprisingly Stupid, Oglith the Wise, Triannox the Red, Uronn the Well Groomed, Monos the Hands of Fate and Jerom the Gnome.
Chapter Five: Preaching in a Valley
So Gobnar went forth with incredible powers healing the sick and sending the servants of Ignisus running scared for their smelly holes. He and his disciples spread the good word about the Kingdom of the Goblin King.
One day Gobnar called together all of his followers to a valley. He sat them down poor and rich, human and orc and told them to rightly shut up before he got down there and bonked them on the head. Than Gobnar speaked.
“Righteous are those who kill dragons,” he said, “and those who do not have enough platinum to go adventuring shall inherit Middle Earth. Those that haven’t a clue, the ignorant and the lame, shall be first in the Kingdom of ELWY. When people make fun of you for liking me, don’t bonk them on the head, know that you are blessed of Gobnar and my Father and then bonk them on the head in my name.”
“Do not think I have come to change the rules,” Gobnar began, “But that’s exactly what I want to do. The laws of old be broken and only those who follow my rules will be great in the Kingdom of ELWY.”
Then Gobnar said, “Don’t steal a man’s wife, whether he be Goblin, human or orc. Only take the smelly elve’s wives if ye be willing to lay with a creature of such ilk. I personally wouldn’t but if ye be wanting to tap that go ahead. When it comes to divorce make sure you divorce yer wife if she sleeps with another. I know its tempting to bonk her head in with a club but she isn’t worth the trouble.”
Then Gobnar, whose stomach was growling, dismissed the crowd with a wave and started away with his disciples.
“Time for lunch methinks,” Gobnar said, “Now go forth and preach!”
Chapter Six: Gobnar's Prayer
Gobnar was sick of people praying to ELWY using wrong method. So one day Gobnar, our Savior, pulled together some of his followers to talk to them. He said.
“You dunderheads and buffoons, don’t pray the way them wizards and merchants do. When you pray to ELWY don’t be killing animals, ELWY doesn’t want them anymore, he wants you to pray like this,”
Oh Goblin King who’s in the sky
I am a sinner, hear me cry
Grant me Lord your grace and love
And rain down blessings from above
And when into battle I will go
I pray you’re with me blade or bow
‘Gainst human or elf I’ll never bow
Not even ‘gainst Ogre or drow
But to thee my Lord I bend and pray
Goblin King, my Lord, ELWY
If you're wondering how to pronounce ELWY here's a hint:
Chapter Seven: He Came to Bonk Heads and Chew Bubblegum
Gobnar continued to perform incredible miracles. Even the mages and wizards of the realm came out to see his incredible powers. He was imbued by ELWY with great power to do many things. He healed one orc who’s arm had been cut off in a dispute with his wife over some misplaced gold pieces. Most of his time though Gobnar lay low with us, his followers, to tell us the ways of the Goblin King.
“ELWY’s always listening,” Gobnar said, “Don’t say nuthin stupid and maybe he will bless you if you ask real nice.”
Gobnar told us then that if we believed in him we too would have powers. Magic was given to us by ELWY himself for being loyal servants to his son. So we went out without any wands or incantations to speak the magic words - the Gospel of Gobnar. We preached for many days and word of Gobnar’s miracles spread to all the land.
The wizards didn’t like what Gobnar was doing. They had studied magic their whole lives and still did not have one tenth the power of Gobnar. Gobnar said to us,
“They will come and try to arrest you or kill you but ELWY watches over you. The old ways are passing away, the Spirit of the Goblin King will come unto you when you are in danger. I was not born to bring peace, I was born to bonk heads, metaphorically of course.”
Chapter Eight: The Death of Juron
Word came to Gobnar, son of the Goblin King, that Juron the Ugly was sentenced to die. So Gobnar gathered his followers with weapons of iron and steel to save the prophet of ELWY from his fate. For Juron, it was said, was a reincarnation of Turor the Smelly and none who knew his odor could deny the truth of that statement.
Gobnar was mighty in battle because of the power of ELWY and he struck down ten score of filthy humans and two orcs who had been swayed to follow dark magic. They could not get to Juron in time, an Elf’s blade pierced his heart before they could get to him. So Gobnar wrapped him in fine cloth and wept before his tomb. He went out into the town of Yerrogoth shouting,
“Whoa to you, for when judgment comes it shall be worse upon the city that killed Juron the Ugly!”
Gobnar then went from Yerrogoth with his Disciples to mourn the death of Juron the Ugly. He went out weeping and wailing and all who say him dared not speak for fear of his wrathful battle-axe.
When Gobnar’s mourning was done he went out to preach some more bringing Salvation to all creatures, except for Ogres. He said,
“Gather here you who seek relief for Gobnar’s got the cure for what ails you. Drink ale with me and follow me and I’ll only ask you to carry a little.”
Chapter Nine: More Miracles
Gobnar was truly wise beyond his years. He sat there and he told them many tales. Some were legends familiar to all but others captivated and kept his followers on the edge of their seats. One day Gobnar said to them,
“Someone swinging an axe would do well to swing it in the right direction. To draw blood the blade must cut the enemy. Many days I feel like someone erratically casting blows. Some attacks fall short, other times my enemies fly back or bat aside my blade with their own. Some days I grow tired of fighting. But if I attack often enough some blows will land. However if I measure my blows, if I think before I swing and only swing for the enemies I know I can hit, I will be a more successful warrior.”
All in attendance were amazed at the hidden wisdom found within his words.
Then they came to Gobnar and said, “Reports have reached our lips that a necromancer has raised Juron the Ugly from the dead.”
Gobnar knew it wasn’t so and he set the minds of those in attendance at ease. He said to the human who had reported this,
“For your lies I have a chore, go into town and bring back food and ale for everyone here, return here in three minutes or I will bonk your head in.”
The human raced into town but returned with only three biscuits, a pint of ale and one leg of lamb. Gobnar lifted his club to bonk the man on the head but stopped and shrugged chugging down the ail before commanding the man to pass out all the food. The human looked perplexed but for fear having skull caved in he began doing as Gobnar had said. Somehow those three biscuits, one pint and one leg of lamb multiplied. Those in the crowd whispered praise to ELWY as they feasted.
Then Gobnar said, “I want to go for a walk.”
Gobnar walked forward, clearly drunk from all the ale, right toward the Sea of Slugg. His disciples tried to warn him but it was too late and he walked right into the sea. Gobnar remembered his vow then and instead of walking into the muddy murky disgusting sludge of the Sea of Slug he instead hovered above it.
“He’s a wizard!” One orc yelled.
“He’s incredibly handsome!” yelled a female goblin.
“He’s the Savior!” yelled an even greater number.
Chapter Ten: Gobnar Predicts his Death
There was a meeting then of wizards and mages who gathered in Hammers Fall to discuss Gobnar. Them be mostly smelly humans who hated Gobnar’s message of peace and love and bonking heads. One said,
“This Gobnar fellow is extremely dangerous. He has untold magical powers from some unknown source. He claims to be a servant of ELWY.”
“I have spoken to the servants of ELWY in the region,” an elf wizard said, “They say he is no prophet or savior but the people say otherwise. They say he is son of ELWY, King of the Goblins.”
“He insults the old ways,” said another, this one a goblin and priest of ELWY, “He must be stopped.”
While this was going on Gobnar was atop Mount Everview with his disciples. Gobnar came to them and said,
“Soon the son of ELWY will be no more. Gobnar must go to save you all from the horrible pit of ELROG, the fires of which never cease. Do not fear for this must happen to save all of you stupid sinners.”
The Disciples were very confused but they did not question Gobnar for fear he would bonk them on the head. He continued saying:
"Those that resist love of ELWY and refuse to believe in Gobnar will be the ones to go to ELROG. So get ye to your knees and please ELWY and make sure not to refuse his love. I'll be back though, The Goblin King will bring me back to life."
Chapter Eleven: The Final Feast of Treachery
Then came the Feast of Treachery, a great time of eating and wine and sloppy goblin love that came once a year. People all round Hammers Fall were rejoicing in the streets as Gobnar and the Nine and a Half disciples descended from the mountain. They gathered round Gobnar, who was riding on a warg, and began cheering and calling him the Savior and bowing down.
They all went to eat and drink at a nearby tavern called the Troll Den. Gobnar had them all bow heads to say blessing over meal,
"Great ELWY, this feast be thine gift, keep blessing us oh great bonker of heads in the sky, may it be!"
They then ate, except for the gnome who said he was watching his figure. They ate and drank and drank and ate and ate some more for what seemed like a very long time. Then Gobnar got a sad distant look on his face like it was last time he'd see all his friends. The son of the Goblin King began to cry and sob like a stupid human when they stub they toe. He disciples put hand on shoulder to comfort him and asked their Master why his eyes grow so wet and sad.
"One of you will betray me," Gobnar said and everyone immediately began wrestling and fighting and punching and biting but Gobnar hollered at them to shut up and said, "It must be done. For I must die for the sins of the World to be forgiven. ELWY demands blood in order to forgive you dunderheads so one of you must betray me."
Then they continued to eat some more and get even more drunk. Everyone forgot what Gobnar had said. Eventually Jerom, the gnome, stood up and went toward the door wobbling from being so drunk. Gobnar looked at him with a sad nod and Jerom went on his way.
The Nine continued to eat and drink long into the night and when the wine runned out Gobnar turned water into mead and ale. And not one of them throwed up at all for they were all blessed of ELWY the Goblin King and thus were far from lightweights.
At last as the first light of dawn came into the sky Gobnar stood and said,
"I must pray."
So Gobnar took his disciples to a cave called Petrogoth guarded by a dragon, they slipped right past the dopey sleeping beast and all were astounded that it didn't wake up and gobble them. The cave was beautiful and there was treasure but Gobnar told them not to take it. He told the Nine to stay put and keep an eye on the dragon so they wouldn't get ate while he went deeper into cave to pray.
So Gobnar departed from them and left them near front of cave. He was scared and he fell down and asked ELWY to spare him and said,
"This was your idea big goblin in sky. I hope you know what you're doing Father. I bonked many heads in your name, so please don't make me do this."
Then Gobnar came back to his disciples and was angry when he found two of them sleeping and the rest playing cards while gambling the dragons loot. He kicked the pile of gold pieces and scolded them for being such block heads. They left the cave and soon enough were surrounded by highwaymen.
"I'll bonk their heads!" Ian the surprisingly stupid shouted and he hit the first guard with a heavy mace.
"NO!" Gobnar shouted, "They aren't really thieves."
Then Jerom was spotted amongst them and all knew he was the betrayer and then he ran away like a cowardly gnome that he be. So the highway men arrest Gobnar cause they really worked for them tricky wizards who was meeting.
Chapter Twelve: Gobnar Dies
Gobnar was strung upside down by his feet and beaten repeatedly with clubs for being a menace to the empire and a heretic to the old ways of ELWY.
The Nine watched on helplessly and Ian, who had forgotten who Gobnar even was due to his stupidity, denied the savior three times before he remembered who Gobnar was.
Gobnar, son of the Goblin King, died because a bunch of smelly humans and elves and old Goblins who didn't really know nothing about ELWY decided to kill him. The Nine couldn't believe it happened even though Gobnar had said it would. They were all sad and cried and tried to hire a necromancer to bring their savior back to life but it was no use. He was gone forever... or so they thought.
Seven Weeks Later on a boring Tuesday morning Gobnar was sighted by the Nine leaving his home with his axe in one hand and his club in another. They ran to him and tackled him and tried to hug him but he threatened to bonk them on the head if they didn't cut it out. Then Gobnar ascended to heaven leaving behind these words,
"Even though I'm going to see my Father the Goblin King doesn't mean I'm really gone gone you dunderheads. I'll be with you in spirit for what it's worth. Remember to believe in magic and the power of ELWY our god or else. Go out and say my words to others or I'll be sending you straight to ELROG after you die."
And with that he vanished into blinding light and all were amazed.
And as for the Jerom the Gnome he was crushed by a falling boulder from atop Mount Everview. From this time forward all goblinkin know never to trust a gnome.