The Haunt of The Devil
I wake up today and look at the time; it is one in the afternoon. I missed college again. It may seem like “not a big deal” to most of you but believe me the case is different. For me it has become a mental torture on a daily basis.
I don’t know how the tables are turning for me. I am unable to realize whether I am worthy of some things or guilty of many. Mental strain from these events is weakening me, subduing my strengths. I don’t man up to little things like even waking up at 7 for college.
All my dreams and the determination for them have slept like me. I sleep more and more, to kill time, kill the think I ought to do, the decisions I need to take. Somewhere I know that I am not this person… and I am afraid of what I am becoming.
I have stopped caring about almost everything. i don’t pay heed to anyone, to love, to care, to life, to career. I wasn’t like this. It is like darkness is taking over me. I incessantly feel that I should get over with it. I need some redemption.
Otherwise, either I will die or I will live long enough to see myself become the villain for everyone as has been the case with most people who have left me behind.
It is like the devil has control over my body, my mind and my soul. Every second I am moving close to him and further away from god.
I want to be good; he provokes the evil in me.
I want to solve my problems; he makes me sleep over them.
I wish I could be more energetic; he forces idleness into me.
I want to succeed and achieve my dreams; he fails me.
I wish to see some light of support; he blinds me.
The blindness makes me so aghast that I fall indefinitely into a pit of darkness from where there is no moving out.
Somewhere I know the devil is a part of me and I want it removed badly. It’s like a cancer growing on me which if not removed will kill me. The devil agitates me, irritates me but yet he is the one controlling me. I don’t want that and I have realized that.
When I think of my past and of what I was at school and in society at that point of time, it gives me strength. It gives me that single ray of hope towards the redemption I seek. I can still feel that I have the streak inside me. The lust for success, the passion to stay on top of things, and the blood to be good, all are still present somewhere within me. The biggest support I see in the flashbacks of my life is the love I shared for myself, that was my biggest boost.
Today after a lot of thinking and talking done with the few friends we have, I have devised a solution for this fatigue, monotony, stress and depression which is suffocating me.
I will not sleep tonight as the yesterdays. I will stay awake. I will wait for the devil to begin his strides into my mind, but I will still stay awake. I will work up something constructive all night today and I know that will irritate him, like the sound of the heavenly bells at the gates of St. Peter. I will remove him today entirely for my life; I will make myself take control. I will regain myself. That is the determination I always had and I will have it again. Tonight is the night I change… change back to what I was.
The haunt of the devil will end. All I need is the light of one blessing from god. Amen.