ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

The Hunter's Guide to the Common House: A Satire on House Hunting

Updated on May 30, 2012

Get Paid to Write

Share your opinion and expertise and make residual income at the same time by signing up for Hubpages.

When house hunting aim for the front door. It is often a vulnerable spot.
When house hunting aim for the front door. It is often a vulnerable spot.

The Sport

House hunting is a common American past time and is also common enough through the world as well that it is considered a spectator sport aired on TV daily by stations such as HGTV. Such stations air all parts of the process from stalking to the take down to the dressing of the house after the take down.

But while all of these things are well and good our purposes here today is to give you tips on the house hunting itself.

Finding the Prey

The common house is a very social creature and tends to run in herds. It is best to isolate your target and stalk it. To help in the location of such weaker prey you can utilize resources such as hunting guides called real estate agents or realtors. If you wish to locate prey on your own you can use websites like, or Be warned that such website tend to be a little out of date as such prey moves quickly. You can also travel in random search patterns looking for signs of weak prey, but the last two options are far less efficient if you really want to make take down quickly. The hunting guides called realtors are the most effective way to find your prey quickly.

Be careful about using the phrase "Fixer upper". If used too often the common house will shrivel and die like the one above.
Be careful about using the phrase "Fixer upper". If used too often the common house will shrivel and die like the one above.

How to Stalk

Since the house is a rather dumb, trusting and vain creature your ideal means of disabling it is by close inspection. Sooth the creature by initially complimenting it and pointing out nice or beautiful things about it. Once you are close enough during the inspection point out little problems here and there in a disapproving tone. It makes it feel bad and disables it for an easier take down. Of course if you find a big problem, saying the words "fixer upper" very loudly tends to stun if for long periods. Be warned that excessive uses of that phrase can cause the house to shrivel and die. Some experts think this is caused by neglect while others feel it is an unexplainable phenomena.

The Ideal Prey

The ideal prey have special names or terms for them. Such prey are in high demand. Short Sales are highly prized and sought after but do take longer to stalk and take down than the standerd house. Foreclosures, on the other hand, are more highly prized and easier to bag which means they tend to go extinct quickly. This would be a problem except that the evolutionary process in common house ecosystem - also called the Housing Market- is very fast at creating more, although the ecosystem's speed of generation depends on the climate of said ecosystem.

The Take Down

The weapon of choice for taking down the common house is called a Mortgage and can only be had through loan companies called a mortgage companies or through banks. The best weapon is Cold Hard Cash, which is highly effective in a take down. In either case, the hunting process that results in the take down has a special named called Escrow. The take down process takes time so be patient. This is also why having a real estate agent is helpful.


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment
    • ibbarkingmad profile imageAUTHOR

      Brian Middleton 

      7 years ago from Southern Utah

      The inspiration came from a text conversation between my wife and her friend KT. Their conversations get kind of literal at times.

    • profile image


      7 years ago

      Amazing. Fifty different places of residence during my adult lifetime, and not once did I ever come up with the concept of "house as prey".

      Met a few real estate agents and morgtgage bankers I wouldn't have minded disabling along the way, though.

    • profile image

      S E S  

      7 years ago

      Very funny stuff!!!! :)


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)