The Jagermeister Challenge
The Jagermeister Challenge was engineered by me while I was on my office computer trying to find out what a "Cleveland Steamer" was. (FYI it has nothing to do with trains.) The challenge works like this. Take a shot of Jagermeister right before you leave for work in the morning. As soon as you get to work do another shot. Then do 1 shot every hour on the hour. The "Challenge" is to see if you can do all 10 shots and get home without being fired or in my case make it through lunch without challenging the Fed Ex driver to a duel.
Here is a tip to get you through the challenge. Unless you work at a strip club or in the state of Louisiana you probably are not supposed to bring hard liquor to work. Hide the Jagermeister by pouring it into an empty bottle of cough syrup. The "illness" guise will also help explain the numerous trips to the bathroom. Your co-workers will think you are suffering from diarrhea, but in reality you are getting frat house drunk on the job for no better reason than because you read about on the Internet.
On the Challenges test run the Jagermeister didn't really bother me until around 10:30 in the morning. I was already staggering a little bit so from then on instead of walking anywhere I just rolled my chair around the office. By noon my chair had tassels and a horn and I was wearing a helmet. The courier thought I was retarded and gave me a dollar. By 2 o'clock I had started my own office chair basketball league. We used a trash can as the basket until I threw up in it. At 3 o'clock I got fired.
I remember waiting for the elevator because I was yelling at it for being lazy. When I stepped in the only other person there was this girl I use to date. She had recently broken up with me when she found out I was not an astronaut. I met her at speed dating and had written "astronaut" on my name tag. I think she figured out I had never been to space a few weeks later when she saw my other name tag that said "Ask Me About Free Checking!"
This was the first time I had seen Space Girl since she dumped me. I wanted to impress her with a witty comment or a relevant observation. Instead I just farted. I farted long and I farted loud. It had the perfect pitch to it like when fat people fart in movies. I turned to Space Girl.
"That's how we do it on the shuttle."
The awkward silence was broken by the ding of the elevator stopping at the ground floor. She sprinted off the elevator and I started laughing out loud. My hysterics brought to my attention another problem. What I thought was a mere fart turned out to be remnants of a tuna sandwich and a handful of jalapeno chips. I had shat myself.
With a river of dung flowing down my left leg and into my sock I staggered to the bus stop to go home. A stranger sitting there asked me if I had lost a gravy fight. On the bus I had two recurring thoughts. One was that I didn't remember eating corn. The other was that The Jagermeister Challenge had beaten me. I am determined to try it again however. Just as soon as I find another job.
More Short Stories By Bo Bixbie:
- Poker, Dr. Pepper, and Flatulence
I don't know what every one else does at their family reunions, but at our trailer when the Jagermeister and Funions are gone it's time for Texas Hold'em. We usually have 5 or 6 players, but this particular...
- Dora the Explorer and the Dump of Gold
Forget about Candy Island, Let's go dumpster diving! I'm all for cartoons that celebrate other cultures, but is Dora the Explorer putting a positive spin on being Hispanic or perpetuating a stereotype? Let's...