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The Jedi Wizard of the Ozzfest Rings : Part 3

Updated on June 22, 2013

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The Jedi Wizard of the Ozzfest Rings: Part 3

Now with two more travellers, Amy and her new friends walk through the forest in the dark with great trepidation.

They made their getaway in haste but suffered a few nightmare hours in the forest as they were slowly enveloped in the cloying darkness. Luckily R2 had a light fitment which he shone to guide them on their way.

But again, Amy had an uneasy feeling that the trees were watching their every move which made her beehive stand on end, which was a remarkable sight in itself.

"I'm sure there's something out there" she quivered nervously,
"C'mon now Amy! Oi tell ya there’s nuthin to worry about, it's all in your mi....oooooooooo oooooooooooooooooo aaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaarghhhhh!!!

Bob had been hoisted off the ground and he soared helplessly into the air;
"What the fffff....?" gasped Amy in shock,
"Oh my word!! An apple tree has taken him!" exclaimed C3PO
"Grrrroaaaarghhhhh!! the tree roared
"Aaaaaaoooooorghhhh!! Bob screamed "This lump o' wood is crushin me ribs!!"

Amy grabbed at the branch and shook it with all her might, which wasn't saying much to be honest and it was to no avail anyway. The tree was far too powerful;

"Do something R2! do something! you're our only chance!!" pleaded C3PO
"Pheeeeeoooowwwww ooooooooooooo, spurgle goink!!" whistled R2 as a small device protruded from his dome. Suddenly he fired a blinding red-hot laser beam which
struck at the trunk of the beast with an almighty blast.
"Aaaaaaarrghhhhh!!!! roared the monster,
"Timmm-Berrrrrrr!!!!! roared Bob as he headed downwards when the massive tree gave way from under its roots.

"Bob, Bob!! How are you?, Are you alright? Are you hurt?" screamed Amy,
"Naaaaaaa!!!" said Bob , "Dontcha worry about me sweetheart, Oi think Oi've gotta splinter in me arse, but let's get movin, this place is cummin alive!!!"

Sure enough, all the trees it seemed were now moving and what began as a low threatening rumble roused into a deafening cacophony as the forest attacked. "Grrrroaaaarghhhhh!! "Woooooaaaarrrghhh!!!" the monster trees roared as our protagonists ran for their lives. Branches swooped around their heads. They dodged the blows and struck out with flailing arms and legs in a frenzy of panic until eventually it stopped. But they kept running anyway,
until they sighted a clearing ahead which they gradually reached and which marked the end of the nightmare of their horticultural horror.

They stopped to gather their breath and regain their composure. After taking a few minutes to settle his nerves and pull himself together, Bob felt ready to lose his temper.

"OYYY!! C3- thingy, or whatever yer name is!! Didn't you know nothin about them feckin trees?"

"I'm most dreadfully sorry, but I had really no intimation that the wood was
haunted", explained C3PO,

"Listen to la-dee-da Gunner Graham here, You had absolutely no idea?" repeated Bob,

"I can assure you most profusely of that Master Bob" C3PO assured him,

Amy tried to calm things down "Come on Bob, even the best areas can have some dodgy neighbourhoods"

"YEAH? Well I was doing a fair amount o' dodging in there Oi tell ya. Oi've known some rough areas, but Oi've never been mugged by a tree in Dunleary"

Amy continued as peacemaker "Look there's no use in us fighting. We all want to get to the Paradise City so let's do it and let's all pull together"

They all looked at each other and nodded as they knew she was right.
"OK then!" Bob sighed "But if your talkin of pullin things, who's gonna get this skelf out me backside cos it might be alive for all Oi know"
"Pheeeeeoooooooooo beep beep wooooooooooooo boing!"
"R2D2 says he can remove it for you" said C3,
"Weeeeeeeeee weeeeeeeee squonk boing wooooooeeeee ooooooo pheeeeee!"
"He says he is equipped with delicate extraction instruments for the purpose"

Amy was impressed, "He really is a handy little guy, he certainly saved your bacon back there Bob and......Hey!!! You understand what he's saying!"
"Of course" said C3 "I am a protocol droid designed to understand and translate
over 6 million different languages throughout the universe"
"No kiddin" said Bob "Tá athas orm buaileadh leat. An bhfuil Gaeilge agat?
"I beg your pardon sir?

The little droid patiently removed the sliver of wood with the utmost pain from Bob's posterior. Then the group decided to rest until daylight, Amy curled cold-turkey style in the grass and Bob lying face down by necessity. C3 and R2 stood guard and only they saw the morning sunrise and felt its welcome heat caressing their metal surfaces. But it was not wasted as their masters had fitted them with solar panels to save the bills. Even androids were going green.
Bob and Amy woke and were ready to meet the day.

"Good day" said C3PO,

They had something to eat and then set off for the road.
"Weeeeeee ooooooooo boing boing pheeeeeooowwwww" R2 declared
C3 translated, "According to his satellite navigation system, R2D2 says we are 96.2 miles from our destination"
"God! Nearly a hundred miles" wailed Amy,
"It's probably wrong anyway, they always are" said Bob "Oi once drove into a feckin minefield in Burundi"
"Whatever! We need to get some distance covered today. Let's go!!" Amy insisted.

After a quiet, uneventful mornings walk they espied in the distance a small plume of smoke rising from behind a small rise.

"Maybe, we can get some hot food" said Bob.

So they quickened their pace until they reached the brow of the gentle slope and looking down below they saw a charming stone cottage with a thatched roof atop, complete with chimney, whitewashed walls and small windows with delicate fenestration. This pastoral scene was completed by a row of Harley-Davidson motorcyles lined up outside.

"Brilliant! It's a pub!!" screamed Amy "It's a bikers pub!!"

She set her slippers to hover and surfed down the hill like a maniac with the others trailing behind, though R2 stumbled and rolled the last half.

As Amy arrived breathless at the courtyard she heard a commotion coming from inside.

Shouting, yelling, glass breaking, wood snapping and the general air of furniture being hastily re-arranged.

Sure enough "Smasshh!!!, tinkle tinkle, tinkle!!" as a chair came hurtling through one of the windows. More shouting and yelling came from inside then "Smaashh!!, tinkle tinkle, tinkle!!" as the figure of a man came through the other window. He picked himself up and clambered back onto the window sill ... then promptly keeled over again as he received a direct hit from a No.8 pool ball.

"Blackballed!!!, you're out the club dude!!" said a voice from within as the man fell unconscious on the ground.

Amy stood in bewilderment, for she had already been bewitched and bothered enough these past two days. Then the doors burst opened and a huge hairy beast was framed in the doorway as he let out a triumphant roar.
"Woooooooooooooaarghhhh!!!!! (Yes! Just like that)

He looked at our protagonists, put up his fists and bellowed....
"C'mon then!!, anyone else wanna piece a' me?? Who's gonna be first?? C'mon then! Put 'em up. Put 'em uppppp!!!"

"Take it easy there" said Amy, "We're not looking for any trouble, just some food and drink"

The creature relaxed, put his arms down and beckoned them forward "Ok then. Come on in dudes, let's drop a coupla cool ones and chew some fat. The drinks are on me, my names Zakk by the way, Zakk Wylde, by name and by nature. How y'all doin there?"

"We're fine" Amy replied, "But it sounded kinda rough in there"
"Well!! It's sure as Hell quiet now pretty lady. Goddamm! you sure look good!!"

They tentatively went inside, introduced themselves and surveyed the scene. There were two burly bikers in a heap in the corner in a compromising position and another draped over the pool table with the triangle round his neck and two halves of a broken cue on either side. There were assorted fragments of tables and chairs lying around with broken glass everywhere.

"This looks worse than my living room" Amy remarked "What happened?"
"Well ah had a little 'tête à tête' kinda action with these bad-ass road dudes. One of them called me a cowardly lyin sonofabitch so ah had to get me some recompense. It was a big ass-kickin time all round ya know. Hey!! Ted!! You gonna pour us some drinks here in this 'shoot n' stab' excuse of a gin-joint?"

A pair of wide, startled eyes peered over the beer-soaked bar, "Sure Zakk, comin right up" a voice said from below,

"Gives us a pitcher of Sierra Nevada with plenty of tequila and anything else these good folks are havin"

"Oi'll have a pint a' Guinness" said Bob

"I'm quite partial to that Parsnip Beer" beamed Amy, her eyes lighting up,

"I don't drink that local shit" said Zakk, "But give these robot dudes whatever they need and don't worry about the damage, ah'll pay for it. It was worth it to whoop some ass, Hell!! ah might even take the TV upstairs and throw it off the roof.

And indeed he did after he threw a wad of cash the barmans way, threw back four tequilas in a row, threw water over the unconscious bikers before throwing them out to the sound of his Smith and Wesson. He sure could throw a swell party.
Bang!!! Bang!!! Bang!!! "Yeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaahhh!!!! Get outa here ya gay-brothel girlie biker dudes before ah ventilate your sorry asses"

During a large meal of stewed elephant and potatoes washed down with ale and tequila they got acquainted with their hairy friend.

"Boy this tequila sure is good, makes me all kinda tingly downstairs" said Zakk with a leer "An' My, Oh My, Oh My!! Ain't you a hot piece of ass lady. Ah really dig them tattoos, plenty a' hot needle action going on there. Hot damn, you're some kinda Rock Chick sugar!!!"

Amy giggled drunkenly "Rockin' an Rollin' all the way to the Paradise City!" she said,
"Hell!! Me too!! ah gotta be there tonight"
"Yer goin there?" said Bob
"Of course dude, it's Ozzfest man, ain't no Ozzfest without Mr Wylde here and
his kick-ass Gibson Les Paul"
He pulled a guitar out from under a table, plugged it into the pub PA system and let rip with the solo from 'Perry Mason'

Diddly diddly dee dee dee diddly diddly weeee weeeee diddly diddly dee dee

"Pheeeeeoooowwww, oooooooo, pheeeeeeooooo, woooooo!!" replied R2
"Wow!! Thats hot guitar Zakk!!" screamed Amy
"Give it some wellie ye mad bugger ye!!" Bob shouted
"I find this all a trifle loud and vulgar wouldn't you say?" asked C3PO in bemusement.

"Awwwww shurrupppp Stiff-Joints and have some fun!!!!" Amy retorted,"Hey Zakk, can you take us to the Paradise City" she asked
"No probs" he replied "Be there in a coupla hours"
"You have an automobile then sir?" asked C3PO
"Hell No!! Cars are for cissies ya dumb aristocrat robot-dude an' you talk like a cissie"
"What frightfully uncouth manners" C3PO grumbled
"A motorbike? But theres five of us!" Bob pointed out
"No probs!" said Zakk "We can borrow Ted's bike, it's even gotta side-car for the little robot dude. Can you ride Bob?"
"Sure Oi can" Bob said
"Well c'mon then ya bunch of shoobies, let's hit the road!!"
"Hold on! I can ride a motorbike too you know" Amy declared,
"Na Na foxy lady, you're ridin with meeeeeee" said Zakk with a gleeful smile,

Zakk filled another pitcher full of tequila for the road (With a snap-on top of course as he didn't want anything to get wasted, apart from himself)

He revved up his ultra-classic customised 357 Harley-Davidson Chopper with Amy clinging on to him from behind,

"Cuddle up Amy darlin' were gonna burn up this Yellow Brick Highway ta Hell an' if ya think you're gonna fall just hang on to ma huge schlong baby, Harr!! Harr!! Lock n' Load!!"

Bob started up his 1932 BSA Blue Star Vintage Motorcycle with Sidecar, "Oh dear, Oh dear, Oh dear!!" said C3PO in alarm "Are you absolutely sure this is safe, Master Bob?"
"Probably not" Bob grinned "An' it's Sir Bob, by the way"

With a roar of engines they hit full throttle and the bikes tore along the road

"Now!! let's git some music for this bad-ass rootin-tootin road trip" shouted Zakk, "R2!! hit that red button, little guy"
"Pheeeeeeoooowwwww!!!" said R2 and music erupted from speakers in the side-car.

Dah de dah, Dah da de dada dah!!!!!
Dah de dah, Dah da de dada dah!!!!!
Get your motor runnin'
Head out on the highway
Lookin' for adventure
And whatever comes our way
Yeah Darlin' go make it happen
Take the world in a love embrace
Fire all of your guns at once
And explode into space..............................................

Soon they were gone and all was still, only their tyre tracks remained. By nightfall these were gone too as from out of the undergrowth a fleet of field goblins from the local council swarmed over the road on a cleaning detail. It was nearing the end of the financial year and there was plenty of money in the department's budget. They took pride in their neighbourhood here and returned the area to its pristine condition. Apart from a completely trashed Wayside Inn of course.



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