The Last of Us (3/3)
The Last of Us
What if the love you felt for the one person was ironically due to the value of friendship versus if it was due to romance? When I first fell in love, I fell in love with her laugh, and her beauty. The more I learned about her, the more inclined I was to ask questions because even the most simple traits can be viewed as the most attractive. For example, the way she responds to any question when she cannot hear. She will raise her eyebrows as her eyes grow wider while simultaneously giving the questionnaire a dumbfounded look which forces me to smile. When she nods her head while she smiles, it forces the bangs of her hair to swift to the right side of her face causing a layer to develop over the previous section. Her voice trembles with a gentle, soft tone that warms a man’s heart every time she speaks. With these traits, I learned to recognize that you have to “enjoy the little things.” Every moment spent with away from her, the more I tend to miss her. As I now live my daily life, I notice references out of the most unheard dialogue. How far can one go before accepting defeat?
Defeat, the word I wish to not accept into my dreams, because with no accomplishments, my dreams are the only things I have left. When I think of defeat in my situation, I still don’t accept it, but it seems as if it’s the only option; she leaves me due to her current boyfriend. Although I wish them the best, I still view her as my one and only; therefore, it feels as if I was buffeted from when she tells me she doesn’t love me back: My closest friends urge me to continue down my path for a relationship, because they also view our friendship to where it will not develop any further. After having no more support, I felt dismal that I was the only one who still had confidence even after the miserable somber heartbreak that was put upon me, and from being the nice guy I am, I chose to discuss the issue in a mature matter where she would have no sympathy towards me even though I felt the need for comfort from her. I know that if I were to pour my heart out again, I would not be able to gaze into her alluring pupils, because the agony I would undergo would be too immense for my heart to withstand. I don’t receive hugs or any amenity from her, so the gawking into her eyes are the more fortunate, heartwarming feelings I can receive. Every day, I find myself repeatedly glancing in her direction because the glow from her face shines onto mine, and the more days that pass, the more unbarring it becomes not to view her. Now that after numerous glances, I’m sure her peripheral vision noted the various times my eyes scrolled from West to East. At the occasion where she would look back, I had to pull off a sudden action which would make her possibly think I was just trying to get her attention. My random slurs and falling arms made me seem as if I had cerebral palsy. I’m sure she noticed it as a falling distraught, but if it made her face give off the slightest grin, then it was worth it. Making her laugh is not only the benefit for me, but also for her due to the aftermath of the laugh, where her day proceeds, and she receives a greater chance of attaining an uplifting day. When I awake in the morning to a pre sunrise, I develop on upbeat attitude, because I know that I can change her day. It seems crazy to others when I still ask if it is just another situation where a boy likes a girl, because they witness firsthand the unexplainable random actions I commit due to me being a trance. There is a high chance this could be love, where other couples cannot stand the thoughts of not being together.
Love Aimated Short
Then, the night of the 16th was upon me. It was the season finale of a series where all secrets would be revealed. The time was around 8 pm, and I had just finished publishing a previous essay onto my blog. I chose to disperse the rumor around that my article was now published, then I received a text message from none other than the person I’ve had my eyes on for a few years now. I was anxious, and it was very noticeable from the teeth marks on my fingernails. I wanted to know if her reaction would bloom even greater than the first time she read it. In the end, it turned out my article contained more information that left her in awe, but according to my knowledge, it was not based on emotional feelings, but the detail and effort that were put into it overall. Acting like the imaginative kid that I was, I obviously thought the outcome to her reaction would be very romantic/heartfelt, but in reality it was just a good essay. She states it was touching, but the sympathy she was trying to display made me look like a pathetic creep. Unfortunately, she felt sorrow for me due to her not loving me back, but even though her intentions were pure and innocent. I viewed it as another reason why others discourage me from pursuing this young woman. I know she is too good for me, even when others would disagree, I don’t want to move on. It’s not because I’m lonely and desperate, but because I hope for the one day she will know how much she means to me. In addition, I feel I cannot move onto another woman due to my feelings for this girl, because it feels wrong to use somebody. I would view that person as a replacement for what I could never have; therefore, wrecking both of our self-esteems. Unless, she honestly believes we will never be together.
As for her boyfriend, I appreciate the acceptance from him, but I believe if I were to begin hanging out with them together, it might just turn into a miserable time for me. I do not judge my position with personal reasons, but using logical knowledge, I can perceive the inner hatred he may possess for me. Knowing his personality, I believe they can connect on a certain level, but if were not as compatible, I would find ways to adapt. I believe I’d be willing to do more for her, in order for her to feel special.
One reason why our friendship never developed into the relationship I had hoped for is due to the lack of communication I had with her, because I was afraid to see how things would continue after getting to know her because I valued our friendship with a lot of love. Reflecting back on my actions, I not regret not taking that risk, because who knows what our relationship would’ve developed into with that amount of time. Even if we were not at the point I hoped to be at, at least our friendship grew stronger. Although her feelings didn’t evolve, mine did. I know that they evolved immensely, because if I were to view another woman, I would be telling me friends how attractive she is, but nowadays, I see another woman as if a man felt stronger feelings about her, like how I do in my situation.
The second reason our relationship stalled is due to the status of our friendship, including her cognition of who I am to her. From discussion, I discovered that she viewed me as “Barney (a man whore).” From that perspective, I believe I am viewed as a brother. I think previous feelings are there deep down in her toothpick stomach, where she sees me not only as an obnoxious, spoiled, douchebag, but also as a possible partner. The portrayal of her and me resemble two characters from the show How I Met Your Mother, where she resembles Lily, and I resemble Barney. She is referred to as Lily due to her future values and humor that they both share. The more I pondered our characteristic roles, I seemed too thought of her portraying the character Robin due to the friendship her and Barney share. She claims Marshall is her current boyfriend, but who knows if he is resembles one of Ted’s bimbos (She is a bigger hoe than me! I am just kidding.) As for Ted, a mutual friend of ours, shares certain qualities with his character such as his impartialness and kindness. Therefore, we both greatly value his opinions on important topics. Unfortunately, he recommended for me to take the next flight departure out of her heart, and into the open world, due to multiple reasons. I am choosing to stick around because who knows if a seat may become vacant at the last second due to a mishap on someone else’s part. The second an opportunity sparks in my face, I will not hesitate this time around, and hopefully I will be able to give her that dance she always wanted where I will dip her at the end. Even though she thinks I might want to do more than just “dance,” I have to remind her that I respect that she is unfortunately in a relationship.
The last reason why we could not be closer is also due to her busy schedule (mostly because of theater). As an adolescent, I understand how one may not want to enter a relationship due to being overwhelmed by the amount of required work. Theater seems to be a major part of her time, due to the amount of rehearsal hours that are necessary. As in class, I stared as she performed in the play. Though I have not sat through a play before, she made those 45 minutes of class very entertaining with her hand gestures, and facial expressions. I feel guilty for being a distraction to her performance due to making her laugh from my creepy stare. At least I made her smile! She thinks I can match her excuse for the lack of maintaining social face to face interaction, but I clearly have no life, therefore, I am just frightened by the idea of creating a socially awkward environment.
The social awkwardness is not my fault, but I am sure any guy would be speechless after she smiles! I am sure if she looked at her smile, she would understand why my face lights up every moment she is with me. I still wonder if she smiles as she deciphers the subtle messages behind my words. I hope she is not hiding from the truth because I learned that “you regret 100 percent of the things you don’t say.” Based on numerous opinions and famous quotations, I finally grew the courage to tell her how I really felt, and by doing that, I took a big risk. I could have lost a friend, got beaten to death, or could have lived happily ever after (ironically). From this action, I live to see none of the above reactions. In fact, I received no reaction at all. I may have changed mutual feelings, but it was inevitable that one of us would’ve fallen in love.
We started out as friends who grew close not based on the information we knew about each other, but because we connected on a humorous, emotional level. Others believe I am crazy, and I agree, but there are occasions where one person can become infatuated with the smallest factor of their personality. After my actions, I have become lost because I do not know where to go from here. Do I continue to pursue my dream? Do I accept defeat, and move on? Or do I continue to commit no actions, therefore, acting as if nothing ever happened? Please direct me in the right direction because I feel you are withholding the truth from me. Love is a comical feeling that has driven me to you, and I wish to not let go, but if that is what you wish, please tell me. I have been told once before that you are not worthy of my love, and I should not be considered “second” on somebody’s list. I have been urged to also move onto someone who will notice how great I am due to me being “such a good guy.” Deep down I wish I could move on, but I cannot because I live in a fantasy world where I wait for the arrival date where you might actually notice me in a different light. It would be a light that shines only on me versus on another person. I know it took a long time to respond to the obvious, but I am here now, waiting for you to say yes! Although you may have given him your heart, I have given you mine. Choose to protect it, or destroy it, the choice is yours to make. I performed to the best of my abilities; however, you continued to shun me in the shadows, keeping me locked up in your prison. At least if you choose to ultimately destroy it, the story we created together made a great trilogy. Directed towards the star woman of this essay, I will always think of you as Lily, the humorous, caring person, and also as Chelsea, the friend I am so glad to have met three years ago from a fake phone number. To you, I wish the best, and I bid you a due. Don’t forget me.
Love you always,
D.S., Barney, Your friend
P.S. “If I wrote you a love note, and made you smile at every word, what would you do?”
-Justin Timberlake, (“My Love”)