Although, I named this poem, "The Mood" it reflects the many moods I was in when I wrote it. I was feeling a ton of anger and resentment toward an ex, while also feeling cocky, shallow, a little mean, and very vulnerable. I know, that’s a lot!
There’s some good in it as well. I was also finding my independence for the first time after the breakup and I began to realize that while I enjoy dating, it has to be done with a closed heart because that is all I can handle for now.
I’ve fallen so deeply into myself and I’m no longer asking for permission. Writing this poem helped me to make sense out of some of these things and a million more.
This is what I came up with. . .
What if I sacrificed your heart to add more time to my life?
You say you can't see us apart cause I'm your fucking bride.
What if I can't see myself pregnant? What if I don't like the word, "wife"?
I like my own name, I buy my own rings.
I won't apologize for the feminist cliché cause it fits me.
I know how much you love me, but I need to be true-
True to me, true to you.
I stopped believing in love.
Perhaps, my last break up was trying to tell me something
cause I turned into a jerk the moment we split, like it was the real me.
It's a disaster how now I make men feel special, then say, "I don't like love" after.
I'm not blinding the truth. I know how I feel this morning.
Indecisive youth, I should be labeled with a warning.
I can't help that I'm charming, can't help that I'm beautiful.
But, like a disease, I will pull the best out of you.
Then, leave you to die just like an animal.
I'm a savage, unapologetic, just call me cannibal.
I've got some gifts I should have returned dangling from my earlobes,
but I'll save the donation for a night when I'm drunk enough.
Forget love I've got my mind set on other stuff.
What other stuff?
Death is the only thing that lasts.
I laugh, but I've gotta be the opposite of my past.
What's the opposite of a love lush?
I'm an asshole, but they don't seem to notice.
It's my grace yo, that has got them extremely focused.
Doting, hoping, choking, whatever rhymes next.
Whatever rhymes to say Rose is the best.
Don't blame the booze.
It's not me, it's you.
A LITTLE EMOTION AND GOOD BYES
You know I don't like to lose, right?
Just know, I didn't let him go without a fight.
He walked out without warning,
but he said he had good reason.
Even, on my knees begging with my heart bleeding
the motherfucker still wronged me as he disregarded me.
He took part of me, did harm to me,
and I've been armed ever since.
What the hell am I to do with a prince?
I push. . .
I push you from my side cause
I don't want this with you.
Perfection on paper,
but there's no passion. I'll see you later.
You're sweet and shy,
I'm wild at night,
with an insatiable appetite,
and a vibe that's bi.
Bite my shoulder.
Give me a happy ending
before I tell you it's over
cause I'm just beginning.
I quit being sober
cause I was just pretending
to have a healthy
mind or something,
but not for nothing.
Yo, it's not you, it's me.
Wait, it's not me, it's you.
I don't believe in love.