The Most Inappropriate School Talent Show Acts of All Time (humor)
Talent show ideas that are lots of fun... maybe.
If you want to be in the talent show spotlight, finding the just the right act is important because it’s your big chance to show off in front of the whole school, church, office or camp. Let’s face it: if you’re the chubby chess club nerd at school who, it turns out, can shred it up on the electric guitar like Jack White, your “cool quotient” is going to shoot up exponentially. You might even impress a few ladies.
But what if you don’t give a rat’s ass about being cool and would rather just tell your peers to go to hell? Or perhaps you dream of shock value. If you want to see the principal’s jaw drop, or drink in the sweet sound of a stunned audience gasping in unison, one of these acts just might be the act for you. These talent show acts are completely inappropriate for a school, church, camp or business setting. Chances are you’ll never even make it through the audition process, but hey, you never know. You could always audition with a different, safe act, then surprise everyone with one of these when the curtain goes up for the real show.
9-year-old Pole Dancer
Dancing is a school talent show staple, but I bet the principal has never seen a dance like this before. Well, he probably has, but not by a nine-year-old girl on his elementary school’s stage. Little girls love to dance, and while Abby Lee Miller, her “Dance Moms” girls and their trashy mothers might think pole dancing is perfectly darling, it’s doubtful your school principal will. This act is completely inappropriate, especially for young girls, but is guaranteed to have everyone talking. This one requires investing in a skimpy, glitzy costume and a stripper pole, but the dumbfounded reaction from the audience will be well worth it. Hopefully you didn’t learn this talent from watching your mom every night.
Dead animals, blood, guts -- need I say more? Taxidermy is a very cool skill, and no doubt you’ll be the only one performing it, unlike all those little girls attempting to screech out the same sappy Taylor Swift song. Right before their eyes, the audience will watch in wonder as you take a dead animal and preserve it forever as a piece of art. Or something. I guess it is art. Nature’s art. Yeah, that’s it. Nature’s dead animal art. Perfect.
Do you have numerous scars as a result of surgeries, fist fights, car wrecks, sports injuries or self-mutilation? If so, you’re a walking talent show act! This one is great, because people won’t want to look but won’t be able to help themselves. You’ll hear all kinds of shrieks and groans. It’ll be great. Wear loose clothing that you allows you to easily expose each scar. You stand stoic and silent as you proudly reveal each beautiful injury, or you can grab the mic and give a little history on each one. For example, you could throw in a gruesome anecdote or two about the horrors of your accidental fencepost impalement, or you you could describe the series of events that led to your best friend gouging your eye out with a butter knife. If you have any recent open wounds, throw them in as well. Bloody bandage reveals are awesome stuff. I call it entertainment.
A beautifully arched brow or a shiny manscaped chest are lovely sights to behold. Wouldn’t it be even lovelier to allow the audience to observe the process that got the smooth, hair-free skin that way? While it’s safe to say there is something about the sound of hair being ripped from the skin that might put people off, don’t let that worry you. Bring a preselected friend, if you like, or choose an unsuspecting hairy-chested dude from the audience. Audience participation acts are always the most fun.
You might need to enlist the aid of a helper to hold the microphone close to the volunteer's body hair and skin, so even those audience members sitting way in the back can experience that unforgettable ripping sound.
Friends Perform Surgery
Whether you’re a trained medical school graduate or surgery is just a hobby you like to fool around with in your spare time, surgery as an entertainment act is likely to cause quite a stir. If you can put up with the whiners and complainers who are too sissified to make it through a little blood and guts, your act will be the talk of the town. Bring along a sick friend -- one who needs something small and routine, perhaps a quick appendectomy. Breast augmentation is always a crowd pleaser. Surgery is fascinating, really. It’s science. Who wouldn’t be drawn in and completely spellbound?
If you’re not comfortable performing surgery on stage before a crowd, consider tooth extraction (see below). It’s quicker, easier, and if you have a videographer-friend to help you, you can project close-up views onto a screen just like at a rock concert. That creepy suction sounds will add dimension to your act, and the patient spitting bloody goo into a bowl will add to the disgusting factor.
Cow Vomits Milk
I like the way this guy in the video dressed in a cow costume, made a dramatic presentation of the jug of milk, and even had background music. I think he intended to show off his prowess at chugging milk. However, the show he put on had a bonus – gushing vomit. Imagine the audience reaction when you do the same in their direction. On second thought, they would probably prefer that you have a bucket on hand. Just don’t bury your face in the bucket. Be sure to hold the bucket far enough away from your mouth so that everyone see exactly what you’re doing and enjoy the scenery.
7-year-old Tattoo Artist
While the artwork of an intricate tattoo is definitely something worth appreciating, it’s probably not what the youth minister or school principal had in mind when they permitted the staff to work with the kids to put on a talent show. Still, there’s no denying that if you can draw a big-busted mermaid on someone’s arm with a needle full of hot ink, you’ve got talent. Simply pluck a willing volunteer from the audience and have at it. If you're handy with piercings, go ahead and throw in a tongue or an eyebrow piercing. The audience will be spellbound.
You'll probably need to bring your own supplies, though, unless your school is a part of the prison system. In that case the art department probably has tattooing equipment you can borrow.
Tooth Extraction -- with bonus jiggling cleavage!
If you think you might have a tough time finding a willing volunteer for surgery, waxing or tattooing, you can always grab a pair of pliers and pull out your own teeth. If you're a well endowed female, like the girl in the video, go ahead and wear a low-cut dress like she did. The audience will be enthralled as they simultaneously watch your boobs jiggle and your teeth wiggle.
This is a very easy act to throw together because the only equipment you need is a sexy top and a pair of pliers. Have a friend video your performance, and you might even find that you've become an overnight YouTube sensation.
Need some REAL talent show ideas?
Check out these articles for lots of great talent show ideas that won't get you kicked out of school.
- Funny Talent Show Ideas: A funny act will liven up the show and be a hit with your friends. You might even become a school legend. This article has lots of ideas with video examples.
- More Funny Talent Show Ideas: There are so many funny talent show ideas that I couldn't fit them all into just one article. If you'd like to check out some more ideas -- also with videos -- see this article.
- Talent Show Ideas for Kids: If you'd like some fun but more serious talent show ideas appropriate for the younger set, you'll find them here.
- List of Awesome Talent Show Songs: What song should I sing in the talent show? Check out this article if you'd like to sing but need song ideas and a little help choosing a song that's right for you.
- Tips for a Winning Talent Show Performance: Easy tips and practical advice to help you put on the best talent show act possible.