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"The Pocket Taser, Stun Gun Story"

Updated on October 5, 2008

Another Personal Favorite Story.

I love this story, the writing style is what makes this story so amusing. It kind of reminds me of Dave Barry. You gotta love the Garfield-esque comments from the cat.

"Pocket Taser Stun Gun: a great gift for the wife..."

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this as a 'short' story for his alumni newsletter.

Enjoy

Leopard Taser

"The Pocket Taser, Stun Gun Story"

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave!

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong???

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in on hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries? All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'??

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dummy,' reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, 'Do it again, stupid, do it again!'

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid!

REMIX: "Can't Tase This" UF Student Tasered

Comments

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  • jeanie.stecher profile image

    jeanie.stecher 

    8 years ago from Seattle

    Nicely done to the statue of liberty, but I have to remind you that having a self defense weapon must be tested towards any person including yourself since this is not a toy. This is a non-lethal self defense weapon which we could be lethally affected in case of misuse.

  • Diane Morgan profile image

    Diane Morgan 

    8 years ago

    COol leopard skin :)

  • spryte profile image

    spryte 

    10 years ago from Arizona, USA

    Why not? My brother-in-law bought one of those shock collars to train his dog...and of course tried it out on himself first. That was the first time I'd ever heard him scream like that...it was truly funny!

  • talented_ink profile image

    talented_ink 

    10 years ago from USA

    Wow! I don't know what's more hysterical...the way he told the story or the fact that there are more men who are also thinking about tasering themselves.

  • jim10 profile image

    jim10 

    10 years ago from ma

    Great story. I like the idea of my wife being protected but she always jokes around with me. So I would rather not introduce any electricity into that equation. I also don't think I would ever be stupid enough to try it on myself.

  • mistyhorizon2003 profile image

    Cindy Lawson 

    10 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

    Hysterically funny and produces great mental images. I must forward this link on to my sister.

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