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The Taste of Death on My Lips

Updated on September 3, 2011

My tears evaporated into the night air.

I am running.

I don't know where I am going but I will know when I get there.

My heart is beating so fast.

Into the night my energy is cast.

I can taste death on my lips.

I always taste death when I go on one of these trips.

I think of a thousand ways to die but I don't know which one to pick.

I wonder if anyone can tell that I'm sick.

Another bipolar episode has ran its course.

And now I have crashed without knowing the source.

I'm fighting a battle that I have already lost.

I will give anything to be stable, just tell me the cost.

I turn around and go back home.

I isolate myself, close the door, so that I can be alone.

My family don't need to see me like this.

Especially after death and I just shared a kiss.


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      JinnyMarte 6 years ago

      sassyk73! This is a beautiful revelation of your unique soul. Courage is not something a lot of people know how to handle, but you seem to handle it well. Dealing with your illness must not be easy at all, specially when there are days when everything seems to make no sense or justice at all. but I believ a strong soul like yours can conquer this an so much more! My prayers are for you this beautiful morning...

      Sincerely, Jinny

    • MisguidedGhost16 profile image

      MisguidedGhost16 6 years ago from Queens, New York

      I thank you for being so open, your honesty, though can be viewed as pain, is inspiring because it is your story. Your story is what brings out your talent and that is something you will never want to be without. I look forward to reading more.

    • Sharyn's Slant profile image

      Sharon Smith 6 years ago from Northeast Ohio USA

      Hey Sassy,

      I haven't been around for a while and I've missed seeing your awesome writing. I hope you are well today. Thank you for sharing your most intimate struggles.

      Big hugs,


    • WillStarr profile image

      WillStarr 6 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      I suspect with a name like 'Sassy", you'll see this through!

      We are pulling for you, pretty lady!

    • ahorseback profile image

      ahorseback 6 years ago

      Sassy , None of the words I could say will help when you're down , I know that , But you are an awesome soul , to be able to share this like you do ! Makes you an angel and we are so lucky to know an angel as you are! Thank you for all you do for others by writing this , We can only immagine the feeling of thinking of being broken inside when you're down AND the hope you feel for others when you feel like writing! But thats it you know , to me you are an angel even when you may not feel it! ......:-} Sassy shares her heart out!

    • sassyk73 profile image

      Karen A. Harris 6 years ago from Milwaukee, WI

      Thank you everyone for your kind words. I am feeling much better now. The past few days has been very rough but I am still fighting. Thank again.

    • nighthag profile image

      K.A.E Grove 6 years ago from Australia

      A compelling read, so brave of you to share your journey with us, keep your head up I too hope that you smile again soon

    • WillStarr profile image

      WillStarr 6 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      This is excellent work! Well done, and I hope you feel better soon.

    • Trips profile image

      Trips 6 years ago from Portland, Oregon

      I'm so sorry that you are crashing right now. Know this: It is TEMPORARY!! Keep telling yourself this truth, and reminding yourself how incredibly strong you are inside. You will get better; all the tools, wisdom, strength, knowledge, love, and care, is already within and around you, SassyK. I have been in your shoes, and it was that knowledge--the affirmation and validation I so desperately needed from others (but was not getting) had to come from within myself. Four years later, I am a mom of two fabulous boys, married, and this fall, embarking on new writing busines sfor which I have high hopes. Lots of hobbies, leadership roles at my sons' school, friends, and a generally fulfilling and authentic life. :-)

      All of this I share with you because I could be you. I know what it's like to crash. It's god-awful. But, You. Will. Get. Better. This Will. Pass. Find people you trust to help you through it, but know you know yourself best (you are your own best advocate). My story is long and complex but I had a doctor I'd met 1 time tell me I'm have to be on Depakote for the rest of my life. It dummied me into a zombie-like state. The thought of a life like that was unbearable. Well, here I am nearly 5 years later, and that doctor was as wrong as a doctor could be. I have never had a psychotic break since (I had been severely sleep-deprived, and the only thing I've adhered to taking is Ambien CR (so I can sleep!), and Lamictol (a mood stabilizer, which I'm not sure I need, but I'm not rocking the boat about it right now.)

      In essence, I've looked into the abyss of serious mental issues--not just within me but all around (on psych wards, you get it up close and in personal, eh?). And, nothing that's happened--even the scariest and darkest times--culminated in a negative outcome. On the contrary, I'm stronger, more confident, more authentic than 99 percent of those around me. I don't care so much what other people think, and I don't judge others' pain and problems anymore. You will find these sliver linings too, my dear. Rally your friends, your family, those you trust and love you, question--always question-- motives of doctors who want to keep you heavily medicated (!), and most importantly, believe in yourself and the vast wealth of inner strength that reflects the limitless depth of your soul.

      Stay strong. You are not alone. Not by a long shot, my dear. (Please feel free to find me if you want to talk about this in more detail.)

      Warm regards,

      Trips (Laura)

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      TheWordWalker 6 years ago from The Hills of Tennessee

      I hope you are feeling better today! Bipolar is and illness that can be misunderstood by some people. I have known people who have it. May God bless you to get better!