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The Things I Would Do If I Were A Man
Okay guys...I hope you have a sense of humor!
If a mystical little fairy were to plop itself in my lap and in fairy style fashion wave a magical doo hickey over me sprinkled with a bit o' magical, sparkly dust – in perfect fairy form of course, thus transforming me into, not a woman but a robust and burly man...well, let me just tell you....the things I would do...
Oh...to be a man!
My first manly order of business would be...
First and foremost...and this really would be the FIRST thing I would do...I would remove my clothing and waltz up (okay improper choice of word, rather I would swagger up) to a mirror and shake it all around! Oh YES!! Shake...Shake...Shake!! Absolutely! Such fun it would be to be a man and simply dingle dangle my new accoutrement. Why any man doesn't do this is beyond me. It truly seems the most fun one could possibly have with such a funny shaped toy. A little bell...ding...dong. The slinky is history with this thing! And of course I would have to get in a little hip action, hula hoop style and swoosh...swooooosh...in a circular motion. Ah Ha! I've created my own manly pick up line, “ahem...excuse me ma'am but would you like me to pick you up in my helicopter?” Bahahahaha...
Okay seriously now. The second thing I would HAVE to do is explore the world of Barbisol. Yes, you know...that mushy, foamy, frothy shaving cream that smells of wood chips! The fun...oh the fun of being a man! I would fill up the sink with the milky, soft stuff and simply stick my face right in...like a cream pie; perhaps pretend to blow a few bubbles and simply revel in it's glorious texture. Next, I would definitely stick my feet in there and squeeze my toes as I watch it spurt out. I suppose I could do this were I not a man but certainly as a woman I would never think to do such things.
How To Trim Nose Hair
A hairy extravaganza!
Furthermore, If I were a man I would certainly take advantage of my abundance of body hair. Let's take the nose for starters. Why I would just let those suckers grow out. Why not? Let's landscape the face shall we? Shrubbery upon shrubbery, most likely to match the uncropped eyebrows and whatnot. Regardless, those nose hairs will be free from pluckery or scary motorized utensils which revolve around inside doing who knows what.
Finally, let's discuss the next hairy item of business...those arm pits. Why yes, how could I neglect to mention such a manly staple. I say let's accessorize those undergrowths. Perhaps pigtails? No, beads! Oh yes...lovely sparkly beads would do the trick. This would be such a glorious sight as I raise my manly arms beneath my droopy arm holed tank top and showcase my fashionista (fashioniste' for masculine?) chandeliers!
I mean really! If I were a man, everything would be fun and games. I would run around making helicopter noises and tie army men to my nose hairs and call in the rescue mission. Why not? God did after all make me a complete playground!
Oh the glory, the glory of manhood! Yes, my imagination runs rampant as I consider the immense fun I could have. It had to be said...I'm sure many women out there have considered the unfairness we have. I mean, we don't get to dingle dangle NOR allow hair to grow unconventionally from our facial orifices. I suppose we were simply created to be productive...sigh...alas!