Look! On the sofa! It’s a bag of potatoes! It’s a forgotten bag of laundry! No, it’s “Dull Man!”
“Dull Man,” able to sleep his way through any bank robbery. Able to hit any building face-first. Faster than a snail on weed. It’s “Dull Man.”
“Dull Man,” less-than-average guy from an average city. In the useless disguise of “Dirk Baggley,” ill-mannered errand boy for the local UPS office, sometimes fights a never-ending battle for sleep, girlfriend who nags him to at least “act” like he is alive, and social-acceptance.
It could happen. The character, Superman, man of steel, made millions for DC Comics, so why not “Dull Man?” Hey, if you are going to fall asleep while you read my stories, please leave.
“Dull Man,” could be “the” super-hero of 2012. In his non-threatening image, always “yes man,” attitude, and hatred for fist-fights, why not allow “my” character whom I created one Friday night while my wife was deeply-involved with CBS’ “Undercover Boss.”
Let me do some selling right here. And let you really get to know, “Dull Man,” or “Dirk,” on a first-name basis. Is that permissible with you?
I. “Dull Man’s” Positive Points:
1.) He is not a womanizer, so the feminists would appreciate such an almost-genderless character.
2.) He gets sick to his stomach at just the smell of a cigarette, an open beer can, and the first sign of violence. FACT: “Dirk,” while in high school, ran “some” track, but his fastest speed is when trouble is near. So the non-violent people would adore him.
3.) He does have “some” clean, white teeth.
4.) He doesn’t have a criminal record, although his on-again, off-again, (mostly off), girlfriend, “Phyllis Cane,” also an errand person for the same UPS office where “Dirk” works, sometimes urges him to take-on a rugged, non-caring “bad boy” image, but to “Dirk,” that is a subject that makes him drowsy.
5.) During sex with “Phyllis,” “Dirk” almost all of the time, falls asleep because nights filled with raw, “jungle passion,” are like Superman’s kryptonite to “Dirk,” for he is always begging “Phyllis’” forgiveness, and second chances in the mornings while having breakfast.
6.) Animals run from “Dull Man,” for they can sense boredom oozing from his pores.
II. “Dull Man’s” Marketing Points:
1.) He would be perfect as the spokeshero for Lunesta (sleep aid.)
2.) He would really score as a representative for a Safe Sex campaign and teach youngsters that it is virtually impossible to get pregnant while you are “stacking “z.’s”
3.) Antique shops would love “Dull Man,” for when have you ever saw any “action” to speak of in any antique business?
4.) He would be ideal for Hawaii, California or any state where the pace of life is a bit slower. Example: “Dull Man,” wakes up on a beautiful, deserted beach somewhere in San Diego. We hear faint cries of happy seagulls in the background. “Dull Man” yawns, stretches, then says, “yessireee, Bob. If you want total relaxation, and a slower speed of life, take my advice and plan your next vacation in California.” Then falls asleep again.
5.) He could do great speaking tours (while avoiding any fight with criminals) on subjects such as: “Rock Concerts: Is All The Excitement Really Worth It?” And, “Honeymoon Nights: A Direct-Threat To Healthy Sleep.”
Awww, yeah, man. I think I am onto something. Something big. And “Dull Man” could score with his own comic books courtesy of Marvel Comics?
But hold on. Didn’t Superman’s creators, Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster say the same thing about the Man of Steel? Sure. And this duo became famous, but not so smart when DC Comics swindled them out of the massive-amounts of revenue that they “could” have had if only they had not needed the money.
For sake of argument, let’s look at a few situations that “Dull Man,” would face in my comic book and see how he might handle them.
III. Criminals Holding Hostages For Huge Monetary Ransoms:
“Dull Man” (speaking to criminals hold-up inside an old deserted fishing net warehouse): “hey, you in there. (yawn) Yes, you. I’m giving you two choices. Let the girl go or I will be forced to “snore” you to death.
Evil Aliens Land And Take Over “Dull Man’s” Hometown Of “Sack Town, Kentucky:
This time, “Dull Man,” charges into the library where these elderly aliens are sitting quitely, reading the “C” edition of the Britannica Encyclopedia.
Surprised at the loud noise, the aliens look up from their reading.
“Dull Man”: hey, you!
“Mrs. Smithe,” the 75-year-old librarian: Shhhh.
“Dull Man”: yes, ma’am. (whispering) I meant you two evil aliens. If you don’t go back to your own planet, I will be forced to run as fast as a tortoise and get the authorities.
See? This guy knows how to handle tough situations and still gain a massive share of the media market.
“Dull Man’s” Arch Enemy “Energy Boy,” Challenges “Dull Man” To A Duel:
“Dull Man”: what’ll it be, “Energy Boy,” pillows or seat cushions?
“Energy Boy”: a test of stamina. Let’s see who gives up first in a 50-mile run! Is that suitable, “Dull Man?”
“Dull Man”: well, now. No. All of that running will stir-up the dust and cause a lot of people with allergies a lot of unneeded suffering. I got to pass, “Energy Boy,” you win.
“Energy Boy”: some hero you are. I will go now and pick a fight with a “real” hero, Under Dog.
“Dull Man” Handling A Social Problem:
“Dull Man” (perturbed) listen, “Mr. Landfill Manager,” either stop allowing the dumping of that used vegetable oil in here, or I will call a really neat environmental lawyer. That’ll show you.”
IV. Intimate Facts About “Dull Man”:
A. He does have a personal hobby: sitting alone in the dark listening to vintage Tennessee Ernie Ford records.
B. He hates acne. Even at this age now, 35.
C. He is an only child. His parents, “Jebb and Clara Baggley,” loved his sister, “Sally Belle,” more than they did “Dirk.”
D. His IQ is less than an average sloth in the Amazon Jungle.
E. His belief that “Tarzan of The Apes,” is a true story gets him in a spot with sensible adults.
V. Other super-hero characters who might join “Dull Man,” in his slumbering adventures:
1.) “Tan Girl” the lives on the beach in her skimpy, two-piece bikini hypnotizing dangerous criminals with her perfectly-tanned body rendering them helpless until the local police can take them to jail.
2.) “Rodeo King” a friendly mutant who was once “Billy Wyatt,” World Champ Bull Rider, who was bitten by an angry Brahma bull that had gorged itself on radioactive feed before the rodeo event. This near-fatal bite changed “Wyatt” into half-man, half-bull, giving him bull-like strength that enables him to smash cars, walls, and most taco stands if he isn’t careful.
3.) “Songster Man” is probably “the” most-mysterious ally of “Dull Man.” “Songster Man,” a/k/a “Ricky Welk,” was born with the inability to talk, but only sing any song he wants from memory. He was kicked-out of public school, and his parents disowned him for bringing them unwanted shame in the mid-50’s when guys like him were thought of as queer. “Welk,” took guitar lessons, and with his super-singing ability, lulls thugs to sleep, or makes them laugh so hard they are too weak to fight when the authorities come to arrest them.
Yeah, I see a sweet life ahead in the comic book business.
And I would appreciate it if you didn’t make fun of me or my new “Dull Man” hero idea.
After all, most of you have spent a small fortune on the likes of Spider-Man, Iron Man, Captain America and to say nothing about The Incredible Hulk.
As if these guys were “real.”
"Dull Man" in one of his many disguises, "Shannon Smoot"