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The Tragedian (a Maidstone tale)

Updated on February 15, 2014

The Tragedian

An account from the battered quill of Andy Fraser aka Andy Export of Unlucky Fried Kitten.

The evaporation of friendship and relationships comes quickly in the lurid company of alcohol. This tale of lost jobs and dark agonising self-therapy takes place, mainly, in Maidstone...the county town of the South East of England. It could quite easily have happened anywhere in the UK. It probably already has.

The Master of Tragedy

Andy found pleasure in alcohol but it did not occur to him that he was an alcoholic. It is an attribute not generally apparent to the victim, but one which is totally visible to other people. The worst thing an addict can do is associate with someone in the same situation because they will both see the supposed beauty of the drink and will rarely be sober enough to see the beastliness it will bring out in the other. Rego came over from Dublin to live in Maidstone, the county town of Kent, and soon became Andy’s partner in bar-room occupation. They reigned familiar in the town’s taverns …Andy comic-cut in his black bowler and baggy trousers…Rego ridiculously tall with a lop-sided grin and a miniscule moustache one inch square beneath his ever-twitching nose. They teamed up with an American “guy” called Chris…button-nose…unusually coy (for a Yankee)…and revelled in their mutually intoxicated company.
Their existence was an unchanging cycle of happy evenings, missing hours, black swirling arguments and days off work resulting in lost jobs and rent arrears…followed by deep depressions. And so to drink!
During their not often enough soberish periods they did realise that the drink could only be disastrous for them and they were each creative in their own ways. Chris played guitar, Rego painted and sketched and Andy wrote…but their creativity invariably led to unhappiness due to an intense, yet unfulfilled, desire to reach the top of the tree.
One day Andy met a girl and he soon discovered how pleasant an absence of delirium tremens could be. He met her in a grill bar on one of his mornings of regret. They had seen each other before on a few occasions, in a local pub where they had mutual acquaintances, but they had never spoken to each other…Andy always too drunk and the girl always too disinterested. Her name was Rachel.
He was in love with her particularly because he felt that his love would not be reciprocated. One-sided love is always stronger than mutual love because you desire something to a greater extreme if it is unobtainable. It becomes an obsession.
Andy was soon in custody of her dreamy beauty as they moved in conversation with the ease of two pawns’ movements on a chess board. Always forward. From time to time Rachel gathered her fantastic cherry auburn hair in her small hands and pulled it back to highlight her heart-throb features. It struck Andy in such a tinderbox fashion that he was in subliminal fear of spontaneous combustion.
Fiery particles of love danced around his heart, scaling his emotions, slowly chilling his insides and finally leading to a gradual vibrant descent of intense stimulation. And so…he was in love.
Rego and Chris were less than happy with the situation. Dipsomaniacs get very possessive about their kinsmen and the thought of losing Andy, their fire-water friend and poet, to a “stupid girl” was an horrific thought in the mildest. Even more daunting that she was a delicately beautiful girl. Her fine hands, to them, were the threatening hands of a social strangler. Her Pierrot countenance was a decoy for a devious fellowship-crushing plan. They sat in wooden-panelled alehouses discussing the downfall of their absent friend, denouncing him with poisoned tongues and malevolent accusation. The steady bickering accompanied the regulated sinking of the liquor and their malice for Andy soon filled the gap that he had left. The jilted drinkers would see him walking through the streets every now and again armed with a floral bouquet or a box of chocolates for his new love and true love. He would smile and wave as if he had not a stress in the world and they would return his greetings…but with lips of falsehood and hypocritical hands.
Seldom did they stop to speak…but when they did…Andy would tell them how happy his life had become with his loving girlfriend. Their lives continued in this manner until six months after the drinker’s initial disruption…when , one evening, Rego and Chris were startled to find Andy awaiting them in their favourite corner of “Drake’s Crab and Oyster House” down by the River Medway. They made their stumbling way to the corner, slopping their drinks en-route, and took a seat opposite Andy, eager to discover just what he wanted in their hostelry…in their corner. Andy told them that he intended to marry Rachel and he wished to take the opportunity to advise them both to cut back on the drinking…and to search out a happier route in life. He told them how much healthier he was without the alcohol-abuse and how much more rewarding his life had become. He stressed that it was personal concern for two friends that brought him to pass on his advice. Rego opened his drunken mouth and asked Andy who he thought he was to come lecturing…just because he had got some girl who kept him under her thumb. Chris, spurred on by Rego‘s slurred outburst, promptly emptied his booze over Andy‘s head. There was no retaliation. The victim watched in despair as his erstwhile friends laughed in merriment, bearing their alcohol-stained teeth before their ulcered tongues. He silently rose to his feet, shook his head and walked away…flinching as Rego’s cold beer hit his back, soaking him instantly.

Most eyes were upon him as he left the bar feeling like a convicted criminal leaving the dock….head held high but with mock dignity.
He walked for more than one hour…playing the tortuous pub-scene over and over in his cinematic mind. He wondered why he hadn’t told them the truth…that Rachel had not been interested in his advances or his gifts, designed to soften her up. Perhaps he should have told them that his six months away had been a sham. He had only wanted to reform…conform…and ask Rachel again…after demonstrating his sobriety.
Andy wiped his dusty shoes upon the worn-down coconut matting and pushed hard on the stiffly-wedged door. The bell clanged fiercely, startling the baggy-eyed shopman propped up behind the counter with his racing paper. Andy made a purchase.
A solitary hoot carried from the woods, followed by a cracking of twigs and the sucking of the rising wind through the creaking trees. Darkness was on it’s inevitable way and he marched on…thinking about Rachel and his two friends.
“So bloody typical” he said aloud.
“So bloody typical…and why me? And you can shut up”, he shouted…at what he assumed was a fox amongst the trees.

Steve pressed two glasses down onto the new Auto-Washer…and sighed an Irish sigh. “To be honest, love” he said to the girl at the bar, “We don’t see too much of him now, you know” He shook the glasses and grasped two more. “Pops in from time to time, occasionally. Why d’ya ask?”
“Ah, nothing too important. He said he’d help me with my stories, that’s all. It was a while back anyway”
“Oh yeah” Steve’s eyebrows were raised in friendly interest “I’ve seen him writing in here…always carrying a book around…what’s his stuff like, then?”
Rachel finished a sip of her fruit-juice “It’s all very…well….” she smiled sympathetically like she was thinking about a misguided child
“depressing really…black metaphors…deep emotional traumas”
“Oh really”
“Yeah….I’ve only read three of them…he sent them to me….with a few other…er…gifts”
Steve wondered why she stressed it that way….as if she disapproved of what Andy had sent. He decided not to ask.
She wrinkled the soft skin of her forehead. “Perhaps, one day, his stories will have a happy ending”

Steve nodded. “Quite a dark horse then?” and his attention was distracted by a busty girl in a white leather jacket, waving an empty glass at him. Rachel could see that the girl had a tight and white leather mini-skirt to match. And shoes relative.
The outside door opened noisily, causing Irish Steve, Rachel and the hide-white girl to look over.
“They might know where Andy is” Steve suggested, pointing a lazy finger at the new arrivals.
Chris sat Rego down at the table below the notice-board and sauntered to the bar in an unsuccessful attempt to appear sober.
“Yo, Steve” He fumbled in his pockets, pulled out a clutch of coins and picked at them in his opened hand.
Steve poured a drink and asked “Have you seen Andy, like, today?”
Chris adapted his mind to the question “Yeahuhh…we seen him at Drakes….down the road”
“Really” said Rachel “Is he still there?”
Chris swung round to face the girl “Nope…we soaked him in beer….he blew dodge”
“What’s that mean?”
“Why did you do it?” she asked, concerned.
“I dunno…he’s getting’ married….I s’pose we did give him a rough time”
Steve cocked his head. “Getting married? Who to?”
“I’m Rachel”
Steve and Chris looked at her in bewilderment. Rego was sick.
“I think somebody has some explaining to do” said Rachel.

Andy climbed the steps that led to the old hay-loft…the wooden slats growling under his weight. He squeezed through the half-open door and sank to the floor to gather his dark and shifting thoughts. “Is it bloody worth it?” he mused…tortured by his severe mental anguish.
He slumped against a clutch of hay and slowly, dramatically, unscrewed the lid of a bottle. He closed his eyes and tasted the first warm drop of sherry as it burned into his throat.

Love Hearts

The sunlight filtered through the nets, illuminating tiny particles of dust in the air. Whilst chipping the cup with the teaspoon, and crunching on some out of date Love Hearts, Rachel was reading one of Andy’s compositions. It was a streaming soliloquy really….or perhaps, she thought, a cynical epitaph? Whatever? It intrigued her.

My solitude stands in the way of my happiness in much the same way as my alcoholism stands in the way of my health. Drunken-ness is detrimental to my bodily performance, I know that, but I’ll still tread it’s hazy path until I find some other hypocrisy to master and to believe in. I must find a cause. A reason for being born to this planet and into this world of repetition. All men are equal in death and I often imagine that I am racing towards that unwelcome goal for the sheer satisfaction of being on every man’s level for a change. I need stimulation and motivation to do something noticeable and worthy, but, even with that design in mind I can see no gain in achievement whatsoever. If people speak of me two hundred years after my demise it makes me no happier in my present life. I have options. Be a man of ambition or just have another drink. Why does a man have to have aspirations when you consider that Shakespeare is no better off…now that he’s gone…than any other man? His toils have done nothing for him now. Presley could’ve stayed a truck-driver. No difference now. The hand of fate decreed that those men would do what they did..and fate is our destiny. So…if it is all so destined…then why have ambition? I’ll eradicate any feelings of status seeking ambition…and go for this next drink.
I play guitar. I write songs, stories and poetry and I sing.
I laugh a lot and I cry frequently. I take up new hobbies on a regular basis and I change my job when I change my mind because I am in pursuit of my kudos. Why do I do this when I am aware of the futility of life? The certainty of death’s deliverance to oblivion. Why did my guiding planet mess me up so much and make me so Goddam lonely? How come I love the ones that don’t love me and repel the ones that do? Is it because my guide ordained that I should be unhappy? A rejected, dejected person who hates the way of his existence but has no hankering to amend it.

Contention is a joke. A smirking, vicious, two-fingered gesture of badwill designed to rip your mind apart with false values and debase your very psyche. I have no will to continue because I see no gain. The light at the end of my tunnel has been snuffed. My great dreams have vanished along with my vanity, pride and dignity. I came into this world alone and I’ll go out alone just like everybody else will. Wealth can’t buy salvation from that terminal blow which, to me, is the loneliest act of nature. The inevitable expiration. My ancestors await me and I applaud my willingness to join them. Who needs the world? We’re all heading for the same earth so why not get there a little early? A punctual passover. Another drink for the president. Somebody has to press that Goddam button.

She placed the sheet of paper next to her Weetabix remains, let out a gust of confused despair, closed her eyes and crumpled to the linoleum floor.

Napoleonic Enid Blyton

Andy took the following day off work. The sun was superabundant. “What a magnificent day to be off work” he thought. “Dear Tina”, he wrote. “What shall I write?”, he thought. Tina was Andy’s regular writing pal once. They always used the “shared problem” theory and would spill out their self-doubts and difficulties to eachother. The agonies Andy would have then….acne, poverty, libido-concerns and such…..seemed inconsequential to him now. Lovers’ tiffs, once Earth-shattering, were chickenfeed to the memory. Explosive arguments, prompting fake suicide bids, were steady bickers, in retospect. Andy wondered if it was his turn to write or if it was the girl’s turn. It had been rather a long time since the last exchange of letters. He held the pen loosely in his hand. He thought of a bear eating honey and wondered if he should send a breezy letter or a meaningful, perhaps even shocking, collection of sentences. He looked around the pub, for inspiration perhaps. Steve had been engaged in a telephone conversation for a long time. He remained hunched over the receiver like some snotty kid guarding his exam paper. He spoke in near-whispers so Andy assumed it to be an explicit personal call.

A girl and a man were chatting at a nearby table. Andy thought she looked about seventeen, but, for some reason, would be older. She was a mousy sort of way..and she made him think of a dormouse that needed protection. Her white cotton blouse was un-buttoned rather too much and Andy could see that the man with her was moving to certain angles to catch a view of her moderate breasts. He was slightly older than the girl…and healthily tanned. Or unhealthily tanned.(given the peril of the sun on the skin) His carefree blue eyes and his sun-bleached hair, tossed nonchalantly backwards, made him a picture of relaxed spirit. Andy began to write…but made a mental note to look up at the beatnick boy looking at the girl’s thorax mounds from time to time.

“It seems ages since I wrote to you, Tina, and I’m sorry if you think I’ve forgotten you. I think I’m going through a nasty patch of deep emotional trauma again. I hate my job at the Post Office cos I can’t get up on time. I hate my debts and the interest that’s building up on them all the time. How are you, anyway? Are you still drinking quite a lot? I am. the mornings..I think my brain is going to burst. I’ve been having strange dreams too. Some are very sinister…like last night’s dream. It went like this…..”

He stopped for a moment to inspect the girl and her blouse. The material bent out slightly and he could see the man looking at her curvy flesh. Her position changed slightly, closing the gap.

“….it felt as if I was rampaging through the pages of an Enid Blyton storybook….jogging through the Enchanted Forest among the red-spotted toadstools and green luscious trees…and excitedly climbing the friendly Magic Faraway Tree. I poked my head through the fluffy white the top of the tree..expecting to see elves giving away sweets to funny furry animals and happy old women..with broad grins and cuddly spiders. I was disenchanted. I saw politicians arguing over the abortion law..and I saw..disasters of our modern age…I saw… two tall trenchcoat-clad gentlemen beating up BigEars…presumably the victim of a money-lender’s trap. I saw the Three Golliwogs being ushered into a Black Maria…hand-cuffed not to a jovial PC Plod but to three vicious looking bastards with hands the size of three hams. So I slowly started my descent of the once majestic tree…now riddled with dutch elm disease. Each limb and twisted bough offered a view of life’s ugliness. Where once sat a chuckling pixie now nestled an ogre..with a dagger and a threat. I hit the ground..with a soul-stirring thud..and decided that adulthood was a sever blow to my life. I awoke. I laid in sweat..and decided that I should do something today with my life…because I knew that somebody up there was wheeling the old metal chair towards me and booking my place in that rest home by the sea…where I had the opportunity to assume the identity of Napoleon..and strut around..hand in coat-pocket, declaring ‘Not tonight Josephine’ over and over. So I considered my predicament. I’d reached the age of 28 years and I had a string of non-successes hanging around my a conglomerate dog after a blood-stained bone…but this bone had no marrow. I knew that someday soon one of my canine pursuers would bury me in life’s garden..and not return to disinter me…too disinteresting you see. I hoped that one day I could make one of these dogs my best friend..which incidentally should be easy…because they wag their tails whereas we wag our tongues. I am ill. Will you write to me, Tina, soon?

Love from Andy

He folded the paper in two and slipped it into the manilla envelope ready for posting. Tina had married a Yorkshire lad who worked in a Lancashire clog factory some years before. Andy’s letter would go unanswered…even his last half a dozen or so had.

The girl with the opening and closing top was standing up…getting ready to leave with her buddy..when Andy felt a hand upon his shoulder.


Andy turned to see his greeter. “Oh..Whatcha…no college then?” he asked, trying to remember if she still went there anyway. ” I took the day off because I got ill last night” Rachel sighed.

“Nothing bad, eh?”

“Well…it’s a long story…but I get these dizzy spells sometimes, especially in times of stress….exam times”

Andy saw her shy, apologetic smile..and wanted to hug her and wish her well.

“Long time, no video” he nodded.

“Yeah…Rego said he’d seen you around..and…well…I was looking for you last night…didn’t Steve mention it?”

“Ah-no…he’s not around…he was on the dog for ages earlier…deeply en-conversed…so I didn’t get a chance to talk to him”

” I was reading one of your stories last night…the Baby Blue one where the mother dies in child-birth…and I wanted to get some more off ya…if you don’t mind?”

Andy flushed in flattery. A warm feeling of heady romance swirled in his head.

“D’ya want a drink?” he asked

“Cider..Dry…please”..she said.

“Can I read your book, Andy?” she called to him as he headed for the bar.

“Sure”, he turned “it’s mostly poetry…not great”

His shaven-headed pal, Simon, was seated at the bar in his trilby and denim jacket. He turned his hulking figure to Andy and whispered “Gettin’ married again then?”

“Piss off, Simon…I don’t come here for that kind of abuse” he replied “I come here for THAT kind of abuse” he said, pointing a wavy index finger at the ale pump.

“Anyway…I don’t hate anyone enough to marry them”

Rachel flicked through the pages and stopped at a poem entitled LIQUOR IS LOVELY. She read it through:


I’m freezing, I’m tired, my suit’s in the cleaners

I’m fed up with hiding my life’s misdemeanours

My cat has contracted a deadly disease

My house has been burgled, my dog has got fleas

My t.v. is broken, my girlfriend has run off

A Spanish kidnapper just whisked my poor son off

My car has been stolen, my brother exploded

My kidney machine has quite badly corroded

Whilst drunk I cavorted last night in Belgravia

The police locked me up for indecent behaviour

The gang from the gasworks, they want me in rubble

One of their sisters I got into “trouble”

I can’t give up smoking, I can’t quit the drinking

The chains of my life are all slowly un-linking

The bugs in the bathroom are constantly breeding

I’m putting on weight and my hairline’s receding

My shirt is old-hat and my trousers are baggy

My shoes are worn down and my jacket is saggy

My sight is declining, my hearing is failing

There’s fur in my kettle, cos that needs de-scaling

The moths ate my curtains, the roof has unthatched now

I’ve bust my guitar and there’s no strings attached now

My garden’s a mess and the shed is subsiding

The costly extension is slipping and sliding

The mortgage rate’s rising, the property’s sinking

But liquor is lovely, that’s all I am thinking.

My washing-machine just keeps spewing out water

A mystery girl says “I’m having your daughter”

The bailiff is coming to seek repossession

Of my 3-piece suite, it’s a real indiscretion

My carpet is mouldy, the wallpaper’s peeling

Got cracks in my window-pane, stains on the ceiling

My pot-plants have died and the fridge needs de-frosting

My pantry is empty, God knows what that’s costing

My records are warped, I’ve got lice in my basement

A larder of ‘roaches and mice in my casement

The doors of my keep are all rusty and creaking

I can’t get to sleep cos the rodents are squeaking

My toaster is bunged up with bits of old cheese and

My best friend won’t visit because of the sleaze and

My lodger has herpes, he’s given it to me

The curry I had has just worked it’s way through me

The goldfish can’t swim and the hamster’s gone septic

The budgerigar has just turned epileptic

The rubber ducks in my bathwater are sinking

But liquor is lovely, that’s all I am thinking.

My uncle’s in prison for fiddling his meter

My favourite uncle, an electrical cheater

My mother has rabies, a bad hydrophobia

My sister slays babies, a terrible phobia

My 5-year old niece is on anti-biotics

My radiant granny got bust by narcotics

The way I chat girls up is quite ineffectual

My aunt’s anorexic, my dad’s homosexual

I’ve nothing to eat and my stomach is rumbling

Even my rock-cakes are cracking and crumbling

The old tumble-drier is grinding and grating

And inside my clothes are all disintegrating

Pop music is crap and the charts are no fun now

Kylie and Jason are at number one now

My head is convulsing with wild apprehension

My bowels have collapsed, I’ve got pre-menstrual tension

I’ve lost all my marbles, my teeth are decaying

The hens have diarrhoea and they’re no longer laying

We’re all going to die in a nuclear war soon

Phil Collins and Cher are both going on tour soon

My bedroom has fungi, there’s damp in the wardrobe

My earrings are cheap so I’ve scabs on my earlobe

The doorbell is ringing, my mum’s on the scrounge

The cat just rolled over and died in the lounge

The budgie is swearing, I heard the dog belch

I’ve stood on the goldfish (cue sickening squelch)

I feel so hungover, I must give up drinking

But liquor is lovely, that’s all I am thinking!


“Thank you” Rachel laid down the book and picked up her drink.

“That’s really good” she said, stubbing the book with a finger.

“Oh, it’s only notes” , he lied, "I'll change it all later, re-write the bloody thing”

“Are you still getting into fights?”

Andy looked up sharply “What d’ya mean?”

“Chris told me about your…little…encounters. He said you are a dead giveaway”

Andy was confused. “A dead giveaway? What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well…apparently…before you hit somebody…you lay your hands upon their shoulders”

“Huh I’ve not really analysed it, to be honest. I guess I just have intentions of peace…of pacification….and then they piss me off and I lose my temper”

He nodded, as if to strengthen his case.

“I don’t go looking for trouble, you know!”

“As long as you don’t lay your hands upon MY shoulders” she laughed.

Andy looked up “Here’s Chris, now”

The three exchanged greetings.

“Look, Andy” said Rachel, “I’ve got to go now. Perhaps I could visit you sometime…soon? Read some more of your scrolls”


She stood, unsure, for a moment.

“Ok, then, see you soon”

Andy and Chris watched her walk away. The sky outside darkened as the pair quaffed steadily. Another session ended.

Andy laid upon his bed…worrying. The anxiety nagged him. He wanted to leave the path of drinking but he couldn’t see an exit point. Booze had become his best friend and life without it would be lonely beyond imagination.

Sometimes he felt it would be far easier to give up on the whole package….of life. He was, of course, far too cowardly to do that. He fell asleep on crumpled sheets and soaked rest in dreams.

He could never have guessed how his life would be rocked the next day.

In his dream he was being chased by two large hounds. A voice called out their names. Scavenger and Chelsea. Andy dodged in and out of derelict shop doorways. He was alone in a chaotic city governed by angry street-people. It was a non-Police state. The slobbering canines were almost upon him. He could hear the greedy snorts, smell the hot tongues and taste his own sweat. He reached his house with seconds to spare and hastily bolted the door as the dogs sprang upon the woodwork. Outside his uncurtained windows he heard the stormtroopers marching along the empty street. They were turfing people from their homes but they passed Andy’s home, for some reason. He stood…panting against the wall…and stiffened as a fist punched through the door panel. The big hand fumbled at the lock, spurring Andy into urgent action. He made a firm grasp around the screwdriver in his hand and proceeded to scratch it across the intruder’s veins. The intruder’s wrist became bruised, the veins bulged blood and the fingers flicked and curled around Andy’s hand. Andy gouged and raked at the ruby-blue tubes until they suddenly burst open, showering him with warm, sticky, blood. His shirt was steeped in crimson…as the attacker’s arm fell limp.

Andy awoke with a jolt…and he laid awake for some time.



The Duke of Marlborough, Union Street

It was a dissatisfaction depression that kept Andy off work the next day. The ‘Duke’ had one ample bar, horse-shoe shaped, with a long line of beer pumps in a starting position for the drinking race of the day. The first customer was Andy. The lady Scot behind the bar filled a gleaming glass which the prime drinker carried over to a high wooden table at the top left tip of the ‘horse-shoe’. The pub seemed different from when Andy and Mary had frequented it. He pondered, though, that most pubs seemed a little less attractive these days. It was, perhaps, because the country was bordering on a recession…and had been for the best part of a year. He tried to push Mary from his mind but her face and voice continued to cast image and ululation in his head. The marriage, on an appropriately cold January morning, was doomed from the very start. They loved eachother, of course, but not quite as romantics or idealists…more something between the two. They had a bond of caring consideration…but that could never be enough for either of them. Andy was sure that she’d be ideal for some man…but not for him. He was far too selfish. He knew that. He was too selfish in his opposition to her fastidiousness. She insisted on brushed teeth before bedtime, scrubbed hands prior to meal-time and devout tidyness before leisure-time. A carelessly placed teacup or a slightly filled ashtray would send her into raptures of teeth-clenched anger. He would bite his lip for peace,but, invariably, after a wait for tranquility, he would scuttle out of the house to find sanctuary in a bleary saloon. That was in the past, though, so why was he in the pub now? There was nothing for him to escape.

He looked into the mirror in the Gents and and thought how he looked older today. He recalled how he had once looked at others and seen what he could now see in himself. A sadness.

Lines of experience and cracks of dilapidation wisely teased the swelling character of his aging face. He noticed more and more of his father’s features as he grew older. That pleased him, in spite of the aging process, because he loved his family and he felt proud to adopt his father’s warm countenance. His embittered disconsolation, though, was due to the uncertainty of his future. He could not stay a pack-horse for the rest of his life but he had no career…and very little hope. Qualifications were absent from his CV and…although his intense thoughts bubbled with imaginative ideas and interesting theories…he felt trapped forever in a pit of doom. He saw no way out. Failure, to Andy, was a man holding him by the shirt-tails…laughing at his futile attempts to break free and run. He thought of Mary again. She had tried to shake him from that failure….but she had always been there wearing the trousers.

To keep his mind active….and to deflect him from the heavy thoughts…he tried to create a new story, which he called “The Happiest Man In The World”. He wrote…and he quaffed…and he scribed…and he gulped…but he was eventually displeased with his composition. He decided to take a break and have a change of surroundings…and it was in the pedestrian precinct that he bumped into Rachel, with two of her pals. Her friends waited, chittering, whilst Rachel talked with Andy. She took the story he had just written, after his own condemnation of it, and the three girls were soon waving farewell to the lone wanderer.

A while later….Rachel laid on her bed and read “The Happiest Man In the World”.

The Happiest Man in the World

Who is the happiest man in the world? Does it follow that he's the richest man in the world? The best-looking man in the world? The most talented man in the world? Let's say that the happiest man in the world is the richest man in the world. Does this mean that the poorest is the saddest?

I am sitting in a cafeteria in London's East End...listening to the sounds of commerce and everyday existence as I sip at my tea. The table next to me has it's surface wiped clean by a shrew of a woman with with a cigarette end dangling from her gloss-smeared lips. Let me tell you that I am a very rich man...but I am also an extraordinarily unhappy man.

I made my fortune in property and architecture some three decades ago in the house-buying boom of the early sixties....and my assets snowballed into millions within five years. The day I became a millionaire was a day of much celebration in my country mansion as I revelled in my happiness with a collection of close they were in those days. In retrospect...they were close friends because of how literally close to me they stood as we rejoiced in my success. 'Good old George....we knew you'd do it', they'd say, with the obligatory pat on back and arm around shoulder. I was pleased with the cards I had been dealt by fate's dispenser....which had bestowed upon me great treasures and fine philosophies. My table was never devoid of a feast, my wine-cellars were lined with the finest magnums of Bollinger and my walls were decorated with unexampled masterpieces of many generations. I was dotted with capital. It was, however, whilst I was cruising upon this ocean of opulence that I had a strange encounter which was to alter my life in one fell swoop. I was indulging in one of my pet occupations...a healthy stroll through the lanes of my village...when my ears detected the sobs of a weeping female...behind the hedgerow which surrounds the local cricket field. 'Young girl', I found myself I moved closer to the unfortunate and obviously unhappy young lady. 'It hurts to see you in such clear there anything I can do to help?' She lifted her head to expose a tear-stained face of such acute sorrow that I almost shed a tear myself. My heart leapt to it's feet and shouted 'love' as the stranger looked innocently into my eyes. She could have had no idea that I had fallen in love with her as we spoke. As I tried to justify this sudden feeling in my own mind...and as I questioned the validity of what the Romantics called Love At First Sight...she began to explain her plight. 'My parents went away seven months ago...and I've been so lonely and upset ever since....and I have lost my job...because of my parents going away...and I am lost myself' 'Yes, yes' I rationalised 'nobody would blame you for being lonely...but when are they coming back?' She cast her heart-melting stare back against mine and the words dripped from her lips like crystal tears. 'They have left me...gone to live in Heaven...and I want to be there...with them' Her lower lip trembled as she attempted to suppress the grief...but the sobs still came...and her emerald eyes still drowned in sadness...with tears like bright green precious stones in a pool of iridescent water. I wanted to pick my new friend up...and embrace her with all the affection I could render. I wanted to hold that girl and gaze into those beautiful eyes....eyes that promised Paradise for the beholder. I resisted the power that tore at my fast-beating fear of putting her into more confusion and misery. We walked a my proposal...and I listened to all the young angel had to say. I learned how her beloved parents had expired within months of eachother...the father...a policeman...despatched by a thief's bullet...and the mother...curling up to die with a suicidal fusion of drugs and alcohol.

Emma-Leigh...for that was the girl's name...was unhappy working for her keep at the manor the employ of Mr and Mrs Winchell. Taken on as a 'trainee domestic assistant' she was no more than a legalised slave to cook the family's meals...wash the family's clothes...tidy the family's rooms...and scrub the family's dishes. I relieved Emma-Leigh of her services by way of a large donation to the Mr Winchell....accepted readily thanks to his mounting gambling debts

I gave her a good home and she trusted me as a friend. All my spare time was taken up entertaining Emma-Leigh and she looked upon me...I an older brother...or perhaps a best friend. I also looked upon her as a friend and I suppressed my initial feelings of love. I found that she had an immense aptitude for music...and she delighted in playing the piano. For her 19th birthday I bought her a harpsichord which she played beautifully..entrancing me on a multitude of happy evenings. She composed arias for me...encapsulating airs of rhythm which danced before my ears and told a special language...that she really was grateful...and that she really cared about me. My friends had become infrequent visitors...perhaps sensing that I was only truly happy when I was with Emma-Leigh. It was Emma-Leigh herself day...intimated that our love was more than just 'friend-ship-love'...and the lid slammed firmly shut on my box of friends when we announced that we intended to wed. There was I....a 29-year old man...conspiring to entice a young girl 10 years my junior...into a state of 'unethical matrimony'. I couldn't see the immorality of the confederation of our love. I am pretty damn sure that if Emma-Leigh had been a million-pound princess in her own friends would have been far less condemning.

Our future was sealed. We spent blissful days preparing for our union...choosing the emerald-encrusted ring to match Emma-Leigh's eyes...designing the dress of lace and fresh flowers which was to deliver my prize to my arms in our chosen cathedral in Rochester...pledging our love.

I am 51 years old now...and my story is almost done. The lip-glossed hag is telling me that the cafe is about to close and I must vacate the premises. It is lashing down with rain on the bootless streets outside as I turn up my collar...ready to brave the storm.

Emma-Leigh took to her bed...a week before our wedding day...and the Lord took her to be with her mother and father. Even now I recall telling her...on that fateful day we met by the Cricket Ground...that Heaven was just a fairy-tale. I'm not so sure. I am very rich...and I am very unhappy. Money cannot buy happiness.

I shall pin this sealed letter to the notice-board by the exit door of this cafe. I hope that whoever reads this will understand my wretched situation and will understand why I am taking my own life…to be in Heaven…with Emma-Leigh.


Just who is the happiest man in the world?

The End

Rachel wrinkled up her nose and lifted an eyebrow. She folded the sheets of paper in two..placed them on her cabinet…and laid back on her bed…thinking….deeply thinking.

Teddy Bear Holocaust

Andy sat in the taxi-cab and read the letter he had just composed in the coffee-shop. He was on his way home. Home to a bottle of malt whisky and a massive overdose of pills. He read:

The pull-yourself-together brigade can hang onto their uninvited moralising until after my expiry…when their cosily complacent contributions can be bandied about between themselves and not fucking slung at me. If I choose to drink then I choose to drink…and if this is my suicide letter then so be it. I shall point out that I am not ungrateful for the true concern that certain people have shown for me. I just need to make my own decisions…and I have to stand or fall by them. I’m happy to fall right now. My various friendships are well-mixed and varied and often fulfilling…but they can’t stop me from feeling desperately lonely. I don’t mean lonely in love…I mean lonely in life. I am forever plagued with fixations…fascinations…infatuations…and I want their agonies no longer. My eyes were fixed on fame…my thoughts were fascinated with creation…but…ultimately…my mind was infatuated with my expiry. I just saw Rachel in the shopping mall….what the fuck? It’s a shopping centre. I’m from Maidstone…not Madison. We talked for a while but the words were just loose-speak dementia and served no purpose. . Her image outshines these stupid soft words of sensitivity. She skipped off with her friends. As for my bad self…a veritable trainee-vagrant…well…I clunked my heels dejectedly and mooched off in the opposite direction. She’s 19…I’m 29. She talks of college-dates…I talk of mortgage rates. She thinks of fashion…I think of fascism. Her bad-hair days and my Chekov plays were just not meant to meet. She still has her thoughts growing mildly in the topsoil of life whilst my thoughts are burrowing energetically towards the centre of the earth. So…what should I do? Condition my heart to love someone else? Aim to love someone who’s free spirit has been chained to the railings by years of learning…like mine? No…NOT ON MY LIFE….

He slipped the letter into his jacket pocket….aware that the cabbie was talking to him…in concerned tones.

Rachel tidied her bedroom at her family home in Bearsted. Her plan was to invite Andy for tea and conversation in the morning. She glanced at the Snoopy clock. 6.05pm. She rounded up the stray books…half-read most of them…which dotted the floor…and arranged them neatly on the shelf. She placed them in size order…Rupert the Bear next to Life Sciences Evolution. Beat Teen Romance beside Wuthering Heights. Death In Venice next to Everything Men Know About Women. She made her room presentable and danced down the stairs for tea at 6.30. At 6.45 she was nibbling fish-fingers…and holding some ugly kind of worry for Andy.

‘Trouble up ahead by the looks of it’ the cabbie was saying. Andy returned to stark reality. ‘Uh-Oh yeah’ he said. He could see the flashing lights of the emergency vehicles and he could see…as well as smell…the smoke. ‘That’s close to where I live…actually’ The driver dipped his lights. ‘Yes…I thought it was’ They rounded a winding corner on the Tonbridge Road and the flames became clearer. ‘My God’ yelled Andy ‘That’s my fucking house’ They leapt from the car. The fire-crews were in full deployment. A policewoman and a male colleague held Andy firmly as he watched the orange glow passionately devouring his home. He didn’t struggle or lose control. He forgot about the letter in his pocket. He just saw pictures in his head. Images of his life in flames. Personal possessions in the furnace…family photographs so irreplaceable…taken proudly in past decades. His constantly dependable guitar…which he’d not strummed much of late…but he would now…if things could be different. Home-made recordings of songs from amateur Sunday afternoons…recorded with friends and cider in a sunny garden which was now burning ferociously. Paper…written words upon paper…the women-and-children-first of the inferno…given their obvious vulnerability. Notes of a score of unwritten novels…and a century of short stories. Love-Letters…once stuffed snugly into a suitcase and hoisted to the loft…now burning embers aloft. Holocaust-taken Teddy Bears…fire-ravaged smoking-jackets…and blazing blazers. Inferno-eaten football videos and fiery French furniture. In a confounding way he felt invigorated as he continued the death-watch of his burning house. Perhaps too shocked to feel the depth of despair the blaze should have evoked Andy was…unknowingly…being extricated of his small troubles with one considerably monumental trouble. Like a shop-lifter being charged with murder. What did it matter now about the flea-ridden cat-basket…the grimy oven…the crooked curtain-rail or the leak in the spare bedroom? No concern now for the windows that needed painting…the grass that needed cutting…the kettle due for de-scaling or the mice in line for crushing on the Little Nipper Trap. Historic problems now…in the light of this destruction. ‘Huh…in this light’ he muttered…as he stared at the thirsty flames.

He stayed the night with Max and Sarah. Max was a friend…another of Andy’s drinking pals. Max had been getting on top of his own drinking issues…with the help of common sense and with the kindness of Sarah who had allowed him to allow her to help. Andy fell asleep on the couch which Max had so frequently urinated upon.

People were benevolent. Max and Sarah accomodated him. Chris and Rego helped him to clear up mentally and physically after the fire. Rachel urged him to keep writing…and she bought him a second-hand guitar. She typed up his existing stories…the ones in her possession…and she had them made into a spiral-bound booklet. Andy began to smile more at life for a while…pleased with his friends…proud of his modest art…and almost happy with the prospect of an uncertain future. ‘There’s only one thing in life you need more than certainty’ he told anyone who would listen at the time ‘And that’s UNcertainty…it’s the only reason you will change things…and the only chance for you to achieve something new’ Andy felt he had a new jigsaw to put together…but the jigsaw still had plenty of time to go wrong for this master of tragedy.

Andy was still lonely. He continued drinking and the shame was building inside his soul like an ever-spreading cancer. He started to avoid his friends…not wanting them to see him in his return to the crutch that was alcohol. One particular afternoon he saw Rachel walking towards him in the grill-bar where they had first met. He was aware of his tattiness. He was unshaven…hungover…tired. They greeted eachother. She sat down…and pressed her palms together. ‘You’ve been scarce lately’ she quipped. Andy wasn’t sure how to take this. Was it an invasion of his privacy? ‘Rachel’ he began…deciding to be frank. ‘I’ve tried to sort myself out…but it’s been hard. I just needed time alone…to reflect’ She patted his hand. ‘Don’t worry…I’m not going to nag you’ she assured him…’I love you just the way you are’ He was mildly shocked. She did say ‘love’ but did she actually mean it? Was it just an expression? From that day…however…they began a fantastic courtship. He was astounded at her patience and understanding as regards to some of his behavioural traits…and pleased with her attitude pertaining to his failed marriage. That union was seen as a thing of the past…and not a subject for axe-grinding for the present. Andy fully admitted that he was actually to blame for his marriage breakdown…but Rachel refused to criticise him for his ‘once-upon-a-times’.

Home Pride

November 1990 saw Andy and Rachel sharing rented accommodation at Buckland Hill...a leafy part of the old town. The houses were old and the rooms...large and ominous...effected a feeling of security for the pair. Self-contained with a lounge, kitchen, bedroom and bathroom it gave them the privacy and homeliness needed to start a good life together.
Rachel was overviewing the backs of the factories on the river's edge. The sweet clear view from the bedroom window...was smoke-stained and gloomy in an antiquated industrial fashion. The sprawling car-park was being covered by the shiny metal sweets all the morning shift arrived for labour. Andy's mother...hard-working and moderately consciencious...had worked for years at the Sharps sweet factory. The grand-children ( Andy had 2 sisters...each with their own kids ) were kept in constant supply of goodies which the workers could buy cheaply.

Often was the time when Rachel and Andy had a harvest of humbugs and a cache of chocolate in their vegetarian cupboard. Rachel examined the metal fire-escape steps and the fume outlet hoses which seemed to be playing snakes and ladders on the graying structure. Trebor Sharps...the company name...was painted wispily upon a huge tin plate fixed to the side of the building. She recalled the advertising jingle from the 70's...and sang it softly. 'Trebor Mints are a minty bit stronger' She didn't add the rude addition made up and sang by a thousand schoolkids of the era. She turned quickly when the door of the bedroom flew open. Andy stood there in his dressing-gown. Grinning. 'I've got a cheque....look....from Newsland UK'  he he waved the paper rectangle. 'Nineteen pounds....they've used one of my poems'
'Which one?'
'I don't know. I sent them fucking loads'
She put her arms around his midriff. 'Good boy...told ya you'd do it'
'Babe....I've gotta get the magazine...gotta read it'
He broke away. He speedily ingested the gist of the letter. 'Living Love' he said 'For the use of your poem...usual rates...'
Rachel grabbed the letter. 'I've not heard of that one'
'Living's that new one...alternative love story told me about idiot'
She cuffed him ' I am NOT an idiot'
He dressed quick-time. It was 11.35 and he was not due in at work at the Post Office until 2pm. His plan was to grab the mag and settle in the Royal Albion to read it...and to show off a little...perhaps. His plan failed. He tried all of the big stores in town. No result. Like a blighted orchard...his efforts were fruitless. At noon he entered the Albion. They sat at the bar...Max and Andy...drinking until Andy was drunk enough to want the afternoon off work. They sat...drinking...philosophising...and getting into a serious discussion on the design of Rollercoasters.

Rachel bedded down shortly after midnight when her man was still not home. A flushing toilet woke her a bit later...followed by a frenzy of clanging cutlery from the kitchen drawer.
When she rose early in the morning she found him snoring in his armchair. A full mug of cold toughened coffee guarded a sketch-pad on the coffee-table. From the corner of his mouth hung a piece of burnt cheese. She shook him awake. 'What happened to you last night then?'
'Last night?' he mumbled...pushing eyes on palms.
'Where did you go?'
'Max got beaten up'
'At the taxi-rank....some chavs nicked his beer'
Rachel walked to the kitchen and saw the semi- devoured chinese meal oiled up on the plate. She opened the fridge and remembered how she had run out if milk the night before.
'Why didn't you come home after work anyway?' she yelled.
'I didn't go to work....too pissed off'
'Too pissed more like....let's just hope you won't be too pissed off to pay the rent next week'
She shook her head as she walked back into the lounge...and picked up his cold coffee.
'Where did you get the milk then?' she asked...showing him the cup.
'Ah' he pondered 'Oh yeah....the cats bowl'
'Yeah...well...I'll forgive you...cos you got the poem published' she said...heading for the bedroom.
'I didn't manage to get the bloody mag'
'No...but I did' she said...slapping the mag down in front of him.
'But I looked everywhere'
' Union Street'
'Oh shit....but thank you'
She cuffed him. He flicked through the shiny pages.
'Page 17'
He reached page 17 and he smiled at Rachel.
'Fucking coo-el'
He read the poem...flushed with pride...and thought how it looked so much more professional in a glossy magazine.


I shall never betray you
'Though they cut my fingers off
Drag me through poisoned pits of acid
Feed me to the lions
Use my eyes for postage stamps
My skin as lampshade
Drown me in boiling water
'cause I love you

Wire me to the mains
Thrust me with a thousand volts
Pull out my nails
Throw the switch
Drop the noose
Burn my flesh with hot razor blades
Send me to the cemetery
Grill me radiantly
Hang me, draw me, quarter me
Kiss me and kill me
Rub salt in my wounds
Tar and feather me
Threaten execution, decapitation, castration
A night in the dungeon
A year in the Chamber of Horrors
A decade in Pentonville
A lifetime in Hell
Chop me, chip me
Blind me, whip me
Strangle me, tangle my limbs
Ostracise me, kneecap me
Lobotomy, death, open-brain surgery
Break my heart, break my limbs
Twist my arm, change my mind
Alter my psychology
Bury me in mud
Throw me into quagmire
Push me off the Post Office Tower
Tie me to the track
Shuttle me to space
Send me to bed early with no tea
Give me a wooden overcoat
Bathe me in earth
'cause I love you

Stick me with knitting needles
Send me to Coventry
Chuck me in the cellar
Throw away the key
Make me work at McDonalds
Fry me, fritter me
Crucify me, cut my hair off
Tie me to a pony and ride roughshod on rocky road
Bash me with a baseball bat
Laugh at my clothes
Bundle me off Beachy Head
Fire a bolt into my heart
Feed me to the firing squad
Sit me in Old Smokey
Mash me on the M62
Incarcerate me in the Tower of London
Freeze me in Bejams
Read me my rites
I love you
I shall never betray you

Torture me in cold blood
Truss me to an atomic warhead
Hurt my feelings
Break my pride
Threaten anal annihilation
Blood-letting Lynch Mob extermination
With a crude instrument or a fork
Or a DIY implement
Hypnotise me, mesmerise me
Wash my brain with bleach
Blind me with science
And the SDP/Liberal Alliance
Spike my sherry with strychnine
Bait my breath with bromide
Make me celibate
Confiscate my Get Out Of Jail Free card
Debase me
I love you and I shall never betray you

If they blind me I shall not see the flowers
If they deafen me I will not hear the birds
They cut out my tongue and my voice is dead
My tormentors will not win
I have faith to overcome their barbarism
Trust to combat their brutality
Truth against treachery
I shall never betray you

Not in a million years
Never in a month of Sundays
Or in a thousand blue moons
Over my dead body
Not even if the seas go dry
Nor even if the sun expires
Or Lady Diana dies
I love you and I will be your friend forever xxx


The following day was a crisp Saturday which saw them sauntering along leafy November lanes and tramping over hardened, earthy fields. A great amount of Andy’s childhood had passed in Hunton…a snippet of a village in the Weald of Kent. They clumped along the stone-strewn redundant cart-track…Andy recalling boyhood events which had left him guilt-ridden and steeped in shame in later life.

‘I strangled my cat here’  he announced…pointing to the hedgerow. ‘Accidentally, of course’

‘What?  How do you mean?’ Rachel looked dismayed.

‘I made a lead for him…from my sister’s skipping-rope. Shrimpy…his name was. So I made this lead…and he went out one day…and he never came back. I cried for weeks…then I found him one day….what was left of him…tangled up in this hedgerow…caught on a post’

‘What do you mean…what was left of him?’

‘Well…like I said..he went missing and I assumed he’d  run away. I cried for ages’  He gave a resolute smile and paused.

‘Go on’  Rachel urged

‘Yeah…I found him a while later…half-decomposed…really’

Andy felt grim. It was  his fault that an innocent and trusting creature had died such a hideous gasping death on the end of a life-taking leash designed through love and affection. It was his fault that the fur and purring of a wretched pet had been turned into a matted elastic stench upon a powdery skull.

They drew level with a derelict barn. It was ready to fall down. It looked that way…at least.

‘See that barn…I almost blinded a kid there’


‘Ah…throwing stones one day…one flew into a baby’s pram…fucking scared I was…but the kid was fine’

‘Where’s your happy memories, babe?’

‘Huh…I do have some happy memories…but…well…even those seem sad because it’s things that happened way back…and I know I can’t get those days back’

He leaned on a gate and gazed down at the valley.

‘Of all the things I could have done…I’ve ended up by doing none’

‘Don’t be silly’

‘I used to love the farm…you know…sleeping in the hayloft…playing war-games in the forest…cowboys and Indians in the woods… and acting out scenes from The Sweeney in the store-houses and apple-sheds’

‘Well…I love you anyway’  said Rachel

‘I love you too’  he replied  ‘I’m just not very great at showing it sometimes’

She put her head next to his. They stayed silent for a while.  Andy picked some moss from the gate…until he went on.

‘I used to stand tins on this gate…Castrol GTX cans from Dad’s shed…and Coke cans…and I’d pelt the little mothers off with stones.  Great fun….sometimes with a catapault I’d made from a bit of a branch. No computer games then. The bloody Etch-A-Sketch was considered hi-tech…and the Stylophone was state of the art…in my eyes anyway. Ah…some happy memories at last….sitting on the wall at the Children’s Home…down the road…creating little songs and jingles on my magnificent Stylophone. I wrote a song called Made In Russia when I was about 7 years old…after finding a sticker with Made In Russia on it…in my bubblegum pack. I stuck the sticker on the climbing-frame at Yalding Infants school. I bet it’s not there now. The crazy thing is…I still play that Made in Russia at gigs now. MY GIRL WAS MADE IN RUSSIA…MY FRIENDS WON’T EVEN TOUCH HER…I NEVER KNEW THEY COULD BE…SO DOWNRIGHT NASTY TO ME. Ha Ha’

‘Where’s the house?’

‘One of those cottages…over there…see…the one on the left.  2, Hammond’s Cottages, Hunton. Listed buildings now…of course.  Hammond Cottages and former barn and oast houses attached . Early 17th century  origins, with 19th century
addition. Re-built in several stages during 20th century. Red brick houses….brick kilns…timber-framed weatherboarded section to right end………’

‘Stop it Andrew…you’re talking like an estate agent…that scares me’

‘Bert and Marjory lived next door…she always made a cake for our birthdays…Jackie and myself, that is. Isla wasn’t even around then. I burned his garden down…accidentally…tried to make a camp-fire in the woods beside the garden…and naively tried to put it out by smothering it with bamboo. Bad move. Bert had not so long before bought a mini flame-thrower for his weeds. My mum and dad were looking at the raging flames and discussing how foolish Bert had been to set his garden ablaze with his new toy. Next thing there’s me…right on cue…being dragged out of the woods by the firemen…I think they saved me that day’

They passed the cottages by.  Andy was looking across the corn-field and towards a small cluster of trees at the bottom of a hill.

‘I almost drowned in a swamp down there…saved by some farm-workers’

‘You’re ‘shitting me?’

‘No…seriously…I must have been a fucking nightmare…like an naughty cat.  I was in a mad panic that time and my mind was going back and forth like a mad cassette-player. I got a good dressing-down for that one…come on…let’s go see where I almost OD’d on mud’

They made their way to the trees and stared down at the swamp.

‘I used to have a recurring dream about that swamp…I would be drowning…but I was always rescued in the nick of time…by Popeye…he’d come punting along on a boat..well…a raft…pipe in mouth…and he’d pluck me to safety’

‘My boyfriend…with a Popeye fetish’

A collection of old light bulbs…and other debris…littered the surface of the swamp. Andy gazed at the silent…still…ravenous mud.  The hungry porridge of doom that  almost devoured him.  He wondered if it had ever actually eaten anybody. Perhaps some animals?  He wondered how deep would he have gone had he not been rescued. Who would have known?  Would he have just been a sorry statistic..another missing child?  How many children have lost their lives that way?  He wondered all this. Nobody really warned kids about swamps in those days. They were too busy warning them not to climb into old fridges and freezers. He mused that more people had disappeared into  swamps than had curled up to expire in a in Hotpoint Larder Fridge.  Life at the bottom of a swamp….doomed to decay sixty feet under the ground…never to be found.

They resumed their stroll…past the conker-fields…over the pig meadow…and alongside the grand mansion house.

‘An American family lived there. I didn’t really know them…but I snuck into their gardens occasionally. It was like going into another world…my Wizard of Oz moment…huge lush greenery with large…strange…exotic flowers.  It felt odd being there…and it felt very dangerous…like I’d be shot if they found me. I think the guy went to prison…for embezzlement or something?’

They reached the farmyard itself.

‘That was the apple-shed’  he said as he pointed to a grey pre-fabricated structure.

‘They packed apples in there’

They entered the apple-shed…and reclined upon a huge pile of cardboard boxes.

‘Let’s get married’ suggested Andy.


December 18th....Wednesday.

Andy sat at the frame...the puce-painted metal carcass...sticking letters into holes and watching the hours crawl by on injured limbs. He had a ten-hour shift to do...theorised rate of fifteen-hundred letters sorted each hour.  Andy's rate...given breaks for coffee and various other interference stoppages...would average out to a thousand letters per hour. This meant he would sort, stick, poke, toss or stab ten-thousand letters into those fifty or so holes during the course of his shift.  All sorts of letters to sort. All grades of letters to grade.  He could only see the addresses and could only guess at the contents...he could only imagine what delights or horrors these letters might hold.  Friendly letters...threatening letters...letters keeping appointments...letters breaking appointments...creating disappointments...and making appointments. Letters entering competitions...bringing good news...bad news...old news...sad news. Begging letters...chain letters...letters from dead people......from live dead people. More chain letters.  People ordering flowers...ordering people...soldiers ordering Peace On Earth...ordering funerals for dead soldiers.  Doctor's dilemmas...politician's press-packs...solicitor's affidavits and Inland Revenue Tax Returns...devoid of stamp.

It was the week before Christmas week and the sorting office was abuzz with 'casuals' (part-timers) oozing from the woodwork of the old woodlice in a casement.   Andy realised that the building was actually far from being old. It just felt that way.  One hundred and fifty years of rules and regulations under one roof.  Don't smoke...don't drink...don't eat...don't answer back...don't ask...don't assume.  Where's your shirt?  Where's your tie?  Where's your badge?  Where's your common sense? If you had a brain you'd be dangerous.  'No, sir, if I had a fucking GUN I'd be dangerous'

The casuals were scrabbling over mail-bags...tipping...humping...carrying weights far exceeding the safety guidelines. Their muscles wrenched and their wrists snapped in their vigour to impress...wearing themselves out...but never complaining.  Fools...the postmen sat...sorting and scoffing cake.  Andy noticed how most of the letters to Father Christmas...or Santa Claus...or Santa Claws in a few cases...were sent in second-hand envelopes. Materialism at Christmas time from Mum and Dad.  He tumbled some resolutions in his head for the New Year ahead.  He thought of his 1991 diary at home...sitting virginal on the shelf above the cat-basket.  He saw himself scribbling in some oaths.

Drink more!

Smoke more!

Spend more!

Fight more!

Then he restructured his thoughts..with a sigh.  It would be useless to consider a vow of total abstinence because he had done that...and broke that...many times before.  Solemn much more likely to fail.  Once broken...forever a failed diet and it's resulting binge-feasting. His thoughts turned to Max...and his current predicament...drying out in an institution for the psychologically disturbed. He had been in for ten days...lessons to be learned. Never trust alcohol when it tells you it is your best friend.  Andy recalled an old quote he once saw written on a desk at the tax-office.  'Alcohol will tell you she is a beautiful mist...but she is really a dangerous fog'  He wondered if Max would be let out in time for a  'good piss-up'  for New Year's Eve.  His mind drifted back to work...and he focused on the place-names on the envelopes. As he sorted the letters he saw the places in his it was a cinema with rapidly changing films.  Or a tv jumping from one channel to the next.  From drab flats and dead rats in chocolate-box cottages and sundials in Oxted.  For Nottingham he saw Robin Hood....for Battersea he saw a pack of howling dogs...pissing against the wall of the Power Station...singing Pink Floyd songs. Hastings brought King Harold...Yorkshire brought the Bronte girls...knee-deep in snow on the moors...and Manchester just brought rain.  He had no desire to spend the rest of his life...or a third of the remainder of his natural life...under the wing of the Royal Mail.

He planned to tell Rachel that evening that he was to quit in the new year. It was to be his radical resolution.  He knew she'd be dismayed...given the afore-planned ceremony of wedlock...but he based his decision...not in spite of the wedding...but...because of it. If he was to enter into marital bliss with Rachel he had no intention of working all the God-given time merely to earn a few precious hours with her...preciously spent snoring in front of a fully-paid-for television set...showing a late film about a man in Scunthorpe who blew his head off through pressure of work. Or a documentary about a missing Soviet scientist.  He had other plans...self-formulated plans...plans to see him spending more time with Rachel.  His resolutions would carry that aim.  He was to tell her that evening...after his long and tiring letter-lobbing shift.  He was Number 131.  Missing eight hours of daylight and four and a half hours of open pubs. Every so often he would visit the coffee-machine to buy a time-consuming beverage...or he would pass time...and the lavatories...with an obligatory cigarette...reading the rumours of the cubicle walls.  Tracie's been seems...if some of these carnal boasts are true.  Seemingly...her biggest crime is possession of some well-rounded measurements...her boobs very much the focus of the vast majority of  WC scribes.  Andy wondered if he was developing a hygiene fetish as he noticed that more and more of his friends were declining to use the wash-basin after a urine-relief.  It bugged him deeply to see them wiping their piss-covered fingers upon their trousers...and even see them skipping ablutions after an anal-offloading.  Straight from the copra-cloyed the canteen...for a hamburger and some sandwiches.  A diabolical way to be.

On his way home that afternoon he was in serious thought for a sick friend...Bish...a regular of the Royal Albion...moved furniture for a living and pints for pleasure...who had colappsed in the pub's inglenook on Saturday night.  Bish was popular and friendly and though he liked a drink he was never a nasty drunk...and he had carved a niche in the hearts of his friends. We were not too alarmed at his collapse at the time.  Superficially it was Bish-typical...but nobody could have known that he had sunk into a coma.  He had been on painkillers. They worked with the vodka...they worked against his body.  Andy thought about Bish...his journey from Maidstone General...and finally onto the Brook Hospital in London. He prayed for his recovery...dreading the thought that he might become another loser to the dangerous fog.

Delicate flakes of snow were falling.  He put out his tongue to catch one as he bounded up the steps to his home overlooking the sweet factory.  Rachel was making a stew with dumplings...making Andy think of his Grandad's he always did when this particular dish was on the boil. He recalled the coughing and spluttering of the woman cooking...and he saw...again.. the huge shot of phlegm fly from her shaking mouth...and into the stewpot.  Andy smiled as he thought about how he  declared himself as 'Not Hungry' on that night in his Grandad's cottage.

He placed his keys upon the rather large pile of magazines and books on the occasional table (it got tidied occasionally)

'No college today then, Rach?'  he asked

'What does it look like?'

'I only asked'  he high-pitched...flicking the television on.

Rachel walked into the lounge...sat down beside him...tea-towel inhand

'Andy...I'm pregnant'

Andy took the next day off work...and the next day.  He new story which he called Rough Justice.

On Saturday 22nd he walked into the Albion at 12 noon.

'Any news on Bish?'  he asked

Irish Steve pointed a finger to the notice up on the wall


The funeral will be held at Vinters Park Crematorium on Friday 28th December at 12 o'clock

The funeral directors are Freemans in Union Street.

Andy sat in a corner and read his new story.


She threw herself into the arms of the garden shed, secured the latch on the door, and sat, disconsolate, listening to the beating of the rain upon the tin roof.  A spider ran across a fablon-covered work-top and headed for it's cantilever home in a dark corner of the huge tool-box. Becky sighed. She remembered how her mother used to tell her not to cry her eyes out in times of despair. She could feel the pressure building up though...with the strange tingling in her nose...the tingling that would always precede the tears.  Just as the spider reached it's haven of threads, Becky's tears began to flow. She swallowed at the lump in her throat and tasted the warm tears as they passed around and over her mouth. Her mother's words...'Don't cry your eyes out'...ran through her mind. She was crying herself blind.

'I hate you, Mr Darwin she snuffled

Mr Darwin was the man of the house and the master of the manor...a man of drunken arrogance living on a diet of vodka and analgesic tablets. In his mind he was flamboyant squire of the estate...drenched in social eloquence and oozing charm. To others he was a liquor-swilling boaster who shuffled cards to control other people's lives and who spat venom at his underlings. He had no real friends. His acquaintances were simply stakes in his ever-running lottery of hate and oppression.

Becky pulled the dog-eared diary from her hessian bag and...grasping her sad pencil...she began to scribe some new words of despair upon the weary sheets. She wrote:

'Old Waster Darwin has taken Tippy away and he says I'll never see him again. Why? Tippy is my bundle of wet bundle of fluff. Tippy loves the rain. Tippy is gone forever. That's what Waster Darwin says. Tippy is going to miss this storm...he loves storms...and he will miss all storms to come'

She rolled the pencil between thumb and forefinger and took the end in her mouth...gripping but not biting...with her careful teeth. She thought of new words to write but the latch on the shed door went up before her pencil could go down. A boy walked in.

'You're in father's workshop'  he screamed, examining Becky from head to toe like she was in a Pears Soap competition. (His sneer indicating that she would stand no chance of winning)

This was Broderick Darwin...son of the man Becky called Waster Darwin. The heir to the throne of the ruler. His tough face contrasted with his plump, flabby body and his eyes whipped around the room as if in search of a slave to flog. Becky deduced that he exercised his foul mouth and his slashing  fiery eyes much more than he did his slothy abdomen.

'MY FATHER'S WORKSHOP'  he shouted

'If I don't move anything...he doesn't care that I've been here'

'If you don't move anything...he doesn't KNOW that you've been!!!!'

She picked up her bag...slipping the diary into hessian asylum...rose to her feet...and brushed past the smarmy Broderick...into the rain outside. She felt happier in the rain outside than in the house with the bullies...or in the shed with Broderick. He slammed the door behnd her and lit up one of his French cigarettes.

Becky stood beneath the oak tree...under the tree-camp. The gargantuan parasol and the diminutive shelterer She was waiting for the shower to pass. The nursery was out of bounds for her today because Isabella Darwin was holding her birthday celebrations there with her clever friends. Becky was allowed to sit in the drawing-room but Grandma Hambrell...from Isabella and Broderick's mother's side...was always there...ready and waiting with her lectures...her many questions...and her dreadful War Stories. She constantly reminded Becky how fortunate the girl really was to have been taken in by the Darwins since her mother had passed away.  Becky couldn't face those reminders today.

The rain stopped...she walked to the edge of the pool to see what effect the shower had made upon the water-dwellers. The water was murky. On it's surface lay the remnants of the passengers of the stiff breeze. Stripped sprigs of fern and sycamore seeds which Becky called God's Helicopters...which she had been watching earlier in the day...spinning towards the watery landing-pad. She gazed closely at the twig which moved resolutely against the fallen yellow flower. She wondered why the flower was so simple...yet nature was so complex. Suddenly...her keen fascination turned to panic and horror as a shove in the back sent her sprawling headlong into the water...upsetting the slowly forming jigsaw of the pond...and filling her mouth with water. She didn't hear the sarcastic  'Sorry Becky'  as Broderick hurtled up the stone steps and away from the pond. He didn't mean her to hear it. 

Becky's eyes were struggling to see a way out and her heart pounded like a kettle-drum as she gulped water and took it back in disgust and uncontrollable frenzy.  The beating in her head was accompanied by sudden popping sounds and a harsh ringing that sounded like a thousand voices in the hollows of her mind. Her arms and legs thrashed as her eyes tried to focus on the grassy bank.  She lunged at a stone...a huge rock...but her fingers scraped over the top...digging into a slushy wall of slime and swampery. She vomited and swallowed...almost simultaneously. She was losing her stamina...and beginning to lose her very consciousness...when she closed her grasp around a heavy clump of reeds and managed to drag herself across the pond. She was still not clear of the life-sucking lotion but she was, at least, half-draped across some weed-tangled rocks which allowed her time to spew out some stagnant water...and to breathe in some air. Her hands followed her eyes to the bank and they scrabbled at the greenery...raking..almost skeletal...mechanical.  She came to rest at the tiny feet of three grinning with a broken fishing-rod...and her eyes flickered as she saw a rainbow overhead. She fell into a kaleidoscopic sleep.

Becky awoke in her gloomy room and looked up at the stained-glass window. It was a small room....Becky always felt like she lived in a confession-box.  She stared through the coloured glass...and...seeing the same colours she had seen the pond...she drifted back to sleep.

Isabella brought Becky's bag up in the morning.

'Father is very cross with you. You totally-utterly ruined his pond utterly-totally ruined your dress...AND...Mrs Braddock had to wash the dishes'

'Broderick pushed me into the pond'

'Don't be so could you really-possibly think such a thing?  Besides...he was with the nursery'

'Well...somebody pushed me'

'You must take the morning off'  Isabella announced  'Father has friends in the lounge and he wants you to stay in your room...or you can take a walk to the village for the afternoon'

Becky nodded....Isabella left the room...Becky shut the door. She fished in her bag for her notebook. Her notebook was her diary.  She was pleased that it hadn't been with her in the water. She looked that the picture of her mother for a while...the picture she used as a bookmark...and she wrote:

'Broderick pushed me into the pond yesterday. I know it was him because he was in the shed before it happened. The shed is behind the pond. I don't know why he did it. I have never hurt him. I don't know why some people get pleasure in life from hurting others. Maybe it makes them feel better about themselves. A dog attacks a cat...and it feels better about itself.  Broderick pushes me in a pond...and he feels better about himself.  A boy breaks a donkey's back with an iron bar...and he feels better about himself.  Some soldiers slaughter some other soldiers...and the country feels better about itself.

Maybe some people...some animals...are born to be hurt...and some countries are there to be destroyed.

Isabella had a party... and she is twelve now. Two months younger than me...but she is treated like a lady.  I wish I had you still...Mummy...but it's not your don't ever think that. One day I might get the chance to help you always helped me. I suppose Mr Darwin IS helping me.  I just get upset. I don't know who carried me to my room after the pond incident. I hope it wasn't Broderick.  Mr Todmorden wasn't in the garden yesterday...he'd gone to the new shop in town to buy some seeds.  Waster Darwin probably made Mrs Braddock carry me'

Becky closed up her dressed...and set off for the village.  She took a slight detour along Pump Lane...knowing that she would get a mug of tea and some cake at Mrs Todmorden's cottage. Mrs T always treated Becky like a lady. They often shared a cosy chat and a hot drink...and Mrs T listened to all Becky had to say. 

She saw Waterpump Cottage...with the bright red waterpump on the neat lawn...up ahead...and she held her dress tightly as she ran towards the tea and biscuit den.  Mrs T met her at the gate...and ushered her in.

'It's been a long while since you called, Becky...Walter tells me you were ill yesterday'

They deged into the cottage as they talked.

'Well...I've had a bad cold really...but yesterday I fell into the big pond...not the little one...the big one'

'Oh darling'  cooed the old she shared the Damson Creams

'Did you have a bad turn?'

'I was put to sleep, Auntie Elsie. I woke up in bed'

Elsie Todmorden diverted the girl to a chocolate hobnob and pulled gently at the hair growing from her chin.

'Walter says you're still not happy with the other children'

'They're not happy with ME...Aunt Elsie'

When the tea was finished Elsie packed Becky off with some more biscuits. She never stayed for too long. Mr and Mrs T would get into a lot of trouble if she was found to be at Waterpump Cottage.  She was discouraged from talking  'tittle-tattle' at the Manor House...God forbid she indulged in news-mongering and hearsay away from it. She wandered around the village...talking to the animals...greeting the village-folk...until early afternoon when she returned to the home of the Mighty Darwin. She walked alongside the tennis courts...glancing up at the ugly gargoyle (and thinking of Broderick) and entered by the kitchen door.

'Mr Darwin is after your guts young girl' said Mrs Braddock

Becky mooched off to the drawing room...hoping that she wouldn't bump into Waster Darwin....or Bully-Boy Broderick. She made it unseen to the room where she slumped into the corner wing-chair...ready for Grandma Hambrell's War Stories...which were preferable to Darwin's rants.  Oddly...the old lady did not lecture.  She sat still in her chair...staring towards the window...with the afternoon sun filtering through the nets. Becky thought she looked like an owl staring at the moon.

'Go to your bed, dear'  the old lady eventually crowed

'He is gloriously drunk...and in a massively foul mood. This is no place for a child...go to your room'

'But why are you so concerned now? I have seen him drunk before. I can outrun him when he is so unsteady'

' I said...go to your room...I have known this tyrant for many years...but I have never seen him so angry.  I shall make arrangements to get you out of here...but...for now...GO TO YOUR ROOM'

Becky sneaked back along the corridor...ignoring the raised voices from the kitchen. She heard the heavy back door slam downstairs...just as she reached her room.She peered through a lighter portion of her coloured window-pane and could just make out the shape of Mrs Braddock...hurriedly navigating the rear the half-dusk.  She was wrapped in a shawl...which flapped around as she swung her generous frame.  Becky heard some snatchy footsteps on the large staircase and recognised the flushed voice that followed. Waster Darwin.

'Becky..ya bitch' he slurred

She ran to the bedroom door and stepped outside to confront him. She felt safer in the open space of the landing than she did in the small coffin-like bedroom.  He couldn't get her there.....she thought.  She was wrong.  With no warning...he slapped her hard across her cheek with his spade-like hand.  She didn't stagger backwards...she a rag doll tossed by an angry bull.  She landed on the the ottoman...dazed...stinging...with the imprint of his hot steaming hand. Blood seeped from one of her eyes.  She regained a slight composure and...much to her relief...the monster had gone. She heard him...vomiting in his room.  When she got to her room she bolted the door...and she cried.  She picked up her little notebook.  She cried as she wrote for a short while...until she was distracted by Isabella's loud screams.  Isabella was a poor sleeper...forever succumbing to the nightmares and to the imaginary visitations of the supposed Ghost of the Manor.  With Darwin in a state of alcoholic rage and with Mrs Braddock gone Becky knew that there was nobody to comfort Isabella.  She remembered that Broderick was staying with friends and she knew that Grandma Hambrell was too weak to negotiate a few steps...let alone a staircase.  Becky traversed the long landing...yanked open Isabella's door...and was shocked at coming face to face with the monster Darwin.  Isabella was crying. Darwin raged.

'No child of mine calls me a drunk' 

He turned and struck Isabella...perhaps...thought Becky...not for the first time. For some reason...a renewed strength came to Becky.  She charged at the unsteady brute and sent him on a lengthy stagger...during which he tripped drunkenly over his own feet.

' to Grandma's room and lock the door'

As Becky shouted...Darwin...back on his feet...swung a heavy arm at her face...propelling her back into the hub of the landing.  He stumbled after her and shoved her to the wall.  Becky tried to bite and kick as his sweaty hands encircled her throat.  A kick from the girl struck his shin and his hands momentarily dropped.  She moved to break away.  A hand grapped at her hair and yanked her along the railing at the top of the landing. 

'Let me go'  she screamed

He swung her body over the rail. He began to growl.

'Now girl...hold still...unless you want me to drop you...bastard'

Isabella sat a small statuette on the ottoman. Mesmerised.

Becky was beaten. She was in no position to argue...literally.  She waited.  Darwin belched out a small amount of vomit. It splashed across his prisoner's reddening arm.  He slumped against the railing....exhausted...drunk.  He could see Becky's face...looking up at she plummeted to the marble floor below.  She didn't scream. He truned his face away for the moment of impact.

'Go to your room Isabella'  he bellowed

'This is a bad bad dream'

He locked Isabella's door...and pocketed the key.  He walked...slowly to his room.

The moonlight shone through the window in the  hallway...and lit up the motionless body of the young girl.  Just a small stream of blood trickled red from a nostril on her milk-white face.

The sun replaced the moon. Becky lay motionless still.

Her face was death.

William Edmund Darwin stirred at 7.35am.  He unlocked Isabella's door at 7.55am.

She ventured downstairs

'What happened, Father?'

'You had a need'll see a doctor soon'

'It was so hit me'

'Nonsense...I constrained were out of were beside yourself'

''And Becky?  What happened to her?  Can I see her?

'Certainly not...never again...she caused it all...she tried to kill us all...tried to burn the house down'

Becky's death fall played over and over in Darwin's mind

'She's gone away now...and you are never to speak of her again'

He paused..and stared unflinchingly at his daughter

'The staff are all dismissed...we are going on a long help you with your dreams.'

He left the room

Isabella ate her breakfast.  Darwin went to Becky's get rid of her belongings.  He picked up the tatty little bag...about all she had really...and he found the sorry little notebook.  He looked at the picture of the pretty lady...and he read the words on the page that it was marking:

'Mummy...I love you so much. I've nobody to love me here...except Mrs Todmorden. I miss you badly.  Auntie Elsie said that you and I will be together some day.  Mr Darwin doesn't like me seeing Auntie Elsie.  He's very strict.  He just slapped me very hard outside my room.  Perhaps he found out that I saw Auntie Elsie today.  I'm still crying.  He was drunk...he still is.  It's a shame...because he might be a good man without his drink.  He was probably nice...before it really got him.  I don't blame him.  Perhaps he just wants to feel better about himself.  You know I'll always love you...and it's important to be loved...more important than anything else.  I must go now...Isabella is screaming.  She's having a nightmare...and there is nobody else to love her.  I love you xxxxxxxxx'

William Edmund Darwin closed the tatty notebook...placed it gently upon the bed...and looked out through the stained-glass window.  His tears made the colours dance like little fairies.

The End

Hardcastle Crags...Hebden Bridge

Diary 15th January 1991
I have taken myself away for a few days. Rachel seemed to understand when I said that I needed a relaxation break to sort my head out. I am at Lady Royd Cottage which is situated on bleak moorland at Hardcastle Crags near the town of Hebden Bridge, South Yorkshire.  It affords me the solitude which I need at this moment in time…and it is spooky. I have a profound and clustering guilt feeling because I have not been honest to Rachel. I really couldn’t tell her why I had to get away.  I blamed it on external pressures such as the escalating Gulf War…where tens of thousands of young lives could be lost…the problems in the Soviet Block…death and suffering for the freedom which, by most, is taken for granted.  I added myown little woes and difficulties to the worry-mound…unpaid bills…concerns for my sanity. I know that…around the world…babies are dying…women are raped…and men are crushed by tanks…but…to me…my problems are just as big and real…and they are still here to be dealt with. One of my friends…Ken the Rev…so-called because of his revolutionary outlook…once told me that EVERYONE’S WORST IS EVERYONE’S WORST. I guess he’s right…and my ‘worst’ is an amalgam of too much work…too much alcohol…ill-health…money-worries…ever-rising interest charges lurking like shadowy figures in the dark streets of New York….and more.  Meagre portions of misery in the eyes of some…but not in my eyes.  A soldier dies…a town is reduced to rubble…a jet-liner crashes…a ferry sinks…but I miss an episode of Neighbours.  I have kept one specific worry from Rachel’s ears.  I just can’t find the way to tell her…not yet.
Lady Royd Cottage is small and stony. Grey-washed.  A token of dereliction…from initial perception.  The owner…Mrs Brocklehurst…rigged the store-room  with a good supply of chopped wood…a stockpile of  bliss in the freezing Lady Royd…and she left a neat heap of coal outside against the blackened stone wall.  Fetching coal and gathering wood has certainly flavoured the imagination with morbidity.   Outside the wind whistles like an untrained woodwind section and composes a frightening passage of narrative gloom. I feel sheer loneliness.  The melody carries with it a selection of my regular early childhood fears.  Bogeymen…axe-murderers…ghosts…inanimate objects taking flight…suffocation…and a headful of other such frenetic terrors.  The wavering pitch of the wind throws me into dark mansions with dead birds scattered outside on the driveway…and I’ve only been here for two days.  Dark panic…lost on a cold blind night in the lonely forest.  Pip…in Great Expectations…running the moors to escape the grotesquely lovable prisoner. Lovesque. Childhood horror.  Comic scenes flashing through my mind in a demonic carousel of the macabre.  Children walking amongst graves and singing sweetly in churchyards.  Frankenstein’s castle…Lizzie Borden’s axe…pit-disasters…war-crimes…long and lonely unparachuted falls from empty skies.  The store-room…colder than the rest of Lady Royd…thrills my senses in a similar way.  The chilled stone walls and the slab stone bench fills my mind with mausoleums…crypts…tombs…a mini-morgue. Statues crying…tears flowing across the floor and under the door.  A portable mortuary…stuffed with limbs and organs…the illicit remains and remnants of an illegal amateur post-mortem.I am steeped in some kind of grisly melancholy.  Instilled with the chill of Christie…the barbarism of Burke and Hare…the un-Godliness of Edward Gein. I have warmed my outside…on the fire…but I am icy on the inside.  As I sit now…a shadow of cold frost over my heart…I am scared.  The fire rages in a semi-circle of heat…as I sit…warm-chested and cold-kidneyed.  I can only think about my real reason for this escape to the moors.  I am pixilated.  She tangoed into my heart…the same heart that should be tangled with Rachel’s own.  She rounded upon me with her cute serrated teeth and her cheery cherry-chomp hair.  My mind is in turmoil.  I’m not even certain if I am in love…or if I am in love with the feeling of being in love.  Or in love with the feeling that I am capable of feeling love…again.  It started as an auto-suggestion.  I told myself that I loved her…and now I do love her.  That’s not to say that her beauty and her character did nothing to snare me.  Her’s is the utmost grace.  I shall need to reflect…illuminate the screen upon which my emotions are projected…and rearrange the cast and story-line.  Tonight…I shall find an ale-house in Hebden Bridge.  I need to drink…to think. Back soon diary. Kiss kiss kiss.

The Land of the Northern Bitter-Brutes

Andy closed up the book…stood it upright on the stone fireplace and reclined in the old wing chair. He began to think of himself as a house…a cold shell of a dilapidated dwelling. He decided that he would employ that theme for his next day’s diary entry. Andy…the abandoned house…frequented…variously…over the years…by squatters and vagrants and tenants behind with their rent. He checked his thoughts. He left the chair…stacked some wood by the fireplace…took a bath in the frost-bitten bathroom…and decked himself out in some strong trousers and a trenchcoat for his trek into town. For company he carried a bottle of Thunderbird Wine (blue label)…a pack of cigarettes and a flashlight. In the darkness…aided by the torch…he hobbled over stony dirt-tracks…padded upon squelching grass-patches and sidled down steep earthy banks ( short-cuts pointed out by Mrs Brocklehurst earlier in the day ). He marched along the grit-covered lanes rather urgently…over-zealous…with his rapidly emptying wine bottle. Noises which would mildly intimidate him in a sober state were now challenging and baiting his aggression. He stood by a wall for a while…overlooking a river. It was a small and twisted wall and the drop to the river was a long one. The river trickled…rather bunged up…about seventy feet below. It was stuck with the usual potential weapons. Iron poles. Bedframes. Cans. Sticks. Items of household redundancy….waiting to impale him should he drunkenly fall. With a kick from his heels he tore himself away from the spot and marched onwards. He entered the Shoulder of Mutton public house…feeling very confident. He stood tall…the intrepid explorer…amongst the natives. The obvious truth was that he was stimulant-confident. He took a few pints of the local bitter and drifted into quite a different mood. Drinker…more paranoid…and…after an hour of solitude amongst a room-ful of strangers…he began to court self-pity which soon turned to self-detestation. He opted to leave the oak beams…the red panel Axminster…and the happy drinkers…and he lurched towards the door…steadying himself on tables and chairs throughout his journey. He jolted a table and watched some glasses slip to the floor…spilling their contents…splashing a sockless foot. A firm hand pushed his shoulder.

Diary…16th January 1991.
Last night was a mess…but I think I enjoyed myself. The Lord alone knows how I got back to the cottage. It’s hard enough to find by daylight…and in complete sobriety. I have a vague recollection of petitioning some copppers for a lift home. I was in a police station…I think. The buttons have gone from my coat and my nose feels like it has been attacked by bees. Fucking agony man. I probably went to the cop-shop to complain about the Northern hiding I got from the Northern Bitter-Brutes. It’s all a bit like a drawing pad…sketchy man. I can’t stop thinking of Michelle. What a fool I was to tell her that I love her. She’ll be having a right royal laugh about it now. She snubbed me…obviously…but I felt somewhat lighter in my mind…like I had removed some restraints. I sent her flowers the next day. Fool. Fools never learn. So said Peter Perrett. ‘Fools….never learn…you play with fire…you’re gonna get burned’   They are probably all laughing now. She promised that she would keep the matter secret….but I know how people love to talk…and secrets are almost impossible to keep. Even killers blurt out their fucking secret in the end. They get caught cos they simply have to tell someone…they have to let someone know what they have achieved. The pride of the murderer….but that’s another matter.
She must have told her friends. How charming it is to have cause to tell the world how someone else is so in love with you. Be they Valentino or Quasimodo….beefcake or pudding…it is still so incredibly nice to be loved.  I love many…which may be why nobody will really ever truly love me.
By the time I get back Rachel will know about it…and she will be hurt. By the time I get back Stevie will know about it…and he will want to hurt me. Michelle is bound to tell Stevie cos they have been falling out a lot lately. I can see the scene now:
‘Well…Andy loves me anyway’ she will say…tossing her garnet barnet to one side with a sudden surge of satisfaction …as one would do after launching a deadly missile.
Then will follow the stunned silence. The dropped bomb…an unreversible entity. The stunned disbelief….leading to the explosion.
‘What the FUCK are you on about….he told you THAT?’
‘Yes…he said he loves me…deal the fuck with it’
That will be the end. Three friends wiped out in one clean sweep. One scuttling strike and a death to the linkage of my close trio of friends.
So long Stevie
Ciao Michelle
Au revoir Rachel
I could try to explain to Stevie…have a man-to-man with him…tell him I was really drunk. I might end up boozing in a pub with him. How would he take it? God…when Chris chatted Rachel up that time I took a bloody knife to his throat….until he regretted his actions…until he apologised…until he cried. Huh…it was just a British Airways knife…blunt as fuck….but always polite. Chris was drunk though…when he chatted Rachel up…I’m just a bastard.
End of Diary Entry
16th January 1991


Andy loved to walk. Or did he? He certainly made a habit of therapeutic pedestrianisation in times of self-concern. Today he covered the moors. The darkening skies were closing down upon threadbare jelly-moulds…the comatose countryside. The moors were alive…but barely. Sighing…not heaving…over a land that had seen so much but had done so little. The moors were never-changing….change-

objective…centuries of regrown grass…billowing dust…and hunched bones of deformed stone. He was passing the day at Haworth…sharing the fluttering winds which had once chilled the chainless soul of Emily Bronte. Emily…many generations before…had crossed over the same stone bridge with…more than likely….the same isolated feelings…and nursing the same thwarted dreams. How could she have known that she was destined for the greatness of literary success that she so rightly hit upon? With her scandalising story structures and her ever-patient…always poignant…plots of heart-wrenching sadness…she passed her days in daydreams and her nights in secret story lands. The private lands would one day become public. Andy thought if the sisters and reflected that they would have had ample time to create their piteous plots…whereas…he himself was living far too fast and way too erratically. He carved something upon a large rock…with his Swiss Army Knife.
He was depressed at the amount of time ha had wasted in incessant alcoholis stupors.( He was sure that Emily, Anne and Charlotte had not succumbed to such idiocy…but he knew that Branwell could have given him a run for his money)
So long spent perched around the bars of his favourite pub…discussing the latest war…the current crop of local criminal diversions…the super-skills of George Best…and a thousand other topical and personal dilemmas of his age. If he did write he would barely spend an hour at the desk. Sixty minutes to satisfy his misguided conscience…and then six hours in the pub. Result: One fragmented chapter of unscrupulous inanity and a stomach churning with fermented bilge…and a magnificent headache. His short stories….mini-tragedies as he liked to call them…were generally and variously penned in public. He wrote in bars…in coffee-shops…in crowded shopping centres…in pubs (of course) and once…he recalled…in the dead of a snowbound night at his local cemetery. (That particular tale…about a mass-killer praying for forgiveness from the souls of his victims…never did get to the typing stage…but it was a firm favourite in the writer’s mind) The first flakes of white prima-snowfall pattered down around him as he trudged through the half-dead grass…thinking of his life. His job would be gone now…at the Royal Mail. He hadn’t even given them a courtesy call. There would be a letter waiting for him at home. A letter…telling him that he was to deliver no more letters. Au Revoir to the Postman Pat Anarchist Group…ably led by Ken the Rev. His work record…sicknesses and absences…was already far from exemplary. He stood still…gazing over the horizon like a madman in a black and white menace-movie. The wind rushed over his ears carrying the snow-flecks…each one unique…to a resting-place on the moors. ‘White snow…like falling fingerprints’ he muttered. He was feeling quite sick now…from the circling cold and from the stale beer in his gut. Because of his trembling condition he chose to leave the moors and to seek shelter in the ancient village. To sup tea…and to write. As he tramped on…he felt that he was becoming weaker and weaker. He had no doubt that he would go back to Maidstone in the morning. To face the music….to encounter the wrath of the orchestra…to be sounded out by woodwind…and to be slashed by strings. It would be a classical tragedy…to keel over on the moors…he thought. To collapse witheringly and to expire in the solitude to which he had become accustomed. Mystery on the moors. He continued…instead. He gave a long look to the high-sided Parsonage as he passed by. A man dressed in black was seated on a grave-slab in the churchyard. He appeared to be unaware of Andy’s presence…no outside influence to enter his world of grief. A Peugeot 305 glistened…as an anachronism…in the cobbled streets. A ruddy sign-board caught his eye. ‘Yorkshire Parkins and Curd Tarts…Lemon Pies…Rich Mince Pies…Bury Simnels’ Interesting. He climbed the steps and entered The Olde Tea Shoppe. Home-made cakes, pies and biscuits for the voracious and inquisitive appetite filled the glass display case. He used a tray to carry his teapot to the table. The mixture of disorientation and the heebeejeebees made hin shake. Or was it his new illness? He thought of Anna…a friend from his primary-school days…forever poorly with thin yellow nails. He couldn’t recall the name of her illness…but he knew that she was a girl of short life. Perhaps she saw 1974? Maybe she didn’t? The tea was hot. He opened his notepad:

I was 13 years old when I began my cider-swigging....sitting at the shops...hiding bottles of Strongbow from the cops.The were also my cock-tail cabinet-raiding days. It took a decade to really grip a monster it's pink elephantine grasp. I couldn't take the blame the habit-forming I can take it now. Nothing was ever my fault...back then. My mother often had to scold my friends who had been 'pouring cider down my throat' in foul alleyways. It was never my fault...always the design of my friends. 1974...bubblegum pop...bombs in London...the Watergate gas...shit tv sit-coms...disappearing Lords...McDonalds in London...and a million tv-addicts sucking round lollipops and saying 'Who Loves Ya Baby?' Oh...and then there was me...already on a one-way ticket to Mainline City on the Brahms and Liszt Express. The Rollercoaster Ride to Hell. I felt no first. I laughed at hangovers...until my mid-20's...when they all came rumbling in as one...the tumbling fall of the British Pancreas my Intestine United. The mid-eighties...filled with seventies Kerplunk-style headaches rattling through shattered nights and fractured days. Toothpaste-induced vomiting in the morning. The indigestion attacks rising piston-steady to close my throat and burn my heart. The shakes arrived....with the guilt...and the conscience. Guilt and fed the ate fucking dog. I began to leak lager through my hair smelled of fiesty saloon clothes reeked of smoky conversation...and my erstwhile big brown eyes...had become violent shining symbols of desperate defiance...eyes that gave so much away with their psychologically exposed suits of armour. The more I tried to conceal...the more I the drink continued to laugh in my face and to step up it's cruel mental warfare. Cold sweat...sudden shock...wet palms...wet arms...damp back...wet brow...cold panic...ale-house collapse. The ale-house militia turned me into a victim of mis-appropriation of loyalties. I was a fool to my friends and a discredit to my family. Some blot their copybook...I mutilated my workshop manual of survival. Still....I had some FUCKING GREAT LAUGHS!!!!!!

He closed the book and headed back for his last night at Hebden Bridge.

Smith's General Stores

Rachel’s day was drawing to a close. She sat at the large splintered table eating her Death Dish…one of Andy’s recipes…and reading through some of his old diaries.  There was plenty more food in the casserole dish for Andy…in case he came home…as she hoped he might.  New potatoes…mashed…with cheese…bacon…sprouts…onions…mushrooms…and mint…and topped…architecturally…with  a Stonehenge of fish-fingers…and a coating of cream-cheese.

His 1988 scribblings…peppered with mainline-injected misery…revealed a curious aspect of his character…reinforced in the topic of the short story which she was now reading from the crinkled sheets of paper taped between the 1st and 2nd August. It was in play-form.



Morris- Good morning…you must be Mrs Smith? Keeper of the shop?

Smith-  Miss Smith, young man, MISS Smith. As it clearly states on the sign over the door…Miss Amelia Smith. Now…what can I get you?

Morris- Allow me to introduce myself.  I’m Steve Morris…and I’m down here for the hop-picking season. My first visit to Kent, I’m afraid, but I wish I’d come sooner. It’s delightful.

Smith- Of course it is. Londoner, are you?

Morris- Cambridge actually…slightly further up

Smith- So Cambridge isn’t London then?

Morris- No, I can assure you it’s not, Miss Smith

Smith- So you like it here in Brenchley?

Morris- Oh yes…it is nice and idyllic…quaint…especially your shop. I haven’t seen this type of chocolate in years…and I thought this soap company went bust decades ago.

Smith- Look, young man. My goods are all fresh…and up to date. If you don’t like it…then get out.

Morris- Sorry…I didn’t mean to cause offence. So what goes on in the evenings around here? No disco’s I suppose?

Smith- Discose? What on earth is a Discose?

Morris- Oh…you obviously don’t know. What do YOU do in the evenings then?

Smith- I usually listen to the wireless. I sometimes go up to Lord Marr’s house at Buston Manor…his twin boys sing from the piano…and the butler brings sherry.

Morris- Wow…you still have butlers in Kent?

Smith- Of course…butlers and maids…in all the big houses

Morris- Speaking of houses…any lodging houses around here? I’ll need some accomodation

Smith- Yes….go to Mrs McGinty’s tea-shop…she’ll let you have a room

Morris- Oh really?

Smith- Yes…turn left at The Blacksmith’s Arms…over the road

Morris- I thought it was called The Churchill Arms?

Smith- Of course not…just listen

Morris- Sure…carry on

Smith- By The Blacksmith’s Arms you will see a waterpump

Morris- Oh yes…next to the telephone kiosk

Smith- Do listen…and stop speaking drivel…do you want a room or not?

Morris- Well…yes…I only said………………

Smith- Well don’t only say or I will only stop helping you

Morris-  Sorry…do go on

Smith- Down the horsetrack…next to the waterpump…that’s called  ‘Waterpump Lane’  You’ll see a small cottage…draped in honeysuckle.  That’s the tea-shop….Mrs McGinty is a good lady

Morris- Really?

Smith- Yes…but watch out for her lodger…a cockney varmint with shifty eyes…he’s a wrong ‘un…make no mistake

Morris- I take it you don’t like him?

Smith- He is a rogue…I caught him stealing. He called me a witch…said I should be burned like a witch

Morris- Well…whack him with your broomstick then, Miss Smith

Smith- You cheek me like that and I will drag you out of this shop by your ear, boy.  You’re as bad as him. Are you sure that Cambridge isn’t in London?

Morris- Calm down…sorry…I was just kidding…now…do you have a ballpoint pen?

Smith- A ballpoint pen?

Morris-  To write with…to write a letter

Smith- These are our finest pens

Morris- That’s a fountain pen…it needs ink

Smith- We sell ink too…obviously…this is a General Store…can’t you read?  Are you sure you’re not a Londoner? Because IF YOU ARE…….

Morris- Calm down….I’m NOT a Londoner. I’ll take a pen…and a bottle of ink

Smith-  About time…sixpence please

Morris- What’s that in English? (laughing)

Smith- It is English

Morris- Here’s a pound coin…keep the change

(footsteps and bell)

Smith- Hey…come back here….you cheat


Voice- Directory Enquiries…which town please?

Morris- Actually…it’s a village…Brenchley…in Kent

Voice- Name?

Morris- Mrs McGinty’s Tea Shop

Voice- Have you an address?

Morris- Well…apparently it’s called  Waterpump Lane…but I’ve been searching for it for ages.

Voice- The lane or the waterpump?

Morris- Well…both really

Voice- McAlpine…McDonald…sorry…nothing under McGinty

Morris- That’s strange

Voice- You’ll have to go without your tea, Sir

Morris-  Actually…it was tea and lodgings I was after…incidentally…do you have a pub called The Blacksmith’s Arms listed for Brenchley?

Voice- No Sir…..hold on….I’ll have another look. No…but there is a Churchill Arms in the village

Morris- Thanks for your help

Voice- Bye


(ring of bell on bar)

Morris- Hello there…do you have any rooms for rent?

Landlord- Yes mate…we do…how long do ya need it for?

Morris- A fortnight…maybe…I’m hop-picking at Hononton Farm for a while

Landlord-  Yeah mate…fine…just fill in your details on the booking form…if I can just find my soddin’ pen

Morris- It’s ok…I have one in my bag…..I got it at that old eccentric lady’s shop…The General Stores

Landlord- Oh…which one, mate?

Morris-  Miss Smith’s….Smith’s General Stores. God…she’s a strange one.

Landlord- Like a joke…do you mate?

Morris-  Sorry…I don’t understand…I am really sorry

Landlord- Well…Millie Smith’s store burned down over fifty years ago

Morris- Now YOU’RE joking????

Landlord- No…seriously…burned to the ground…took Millie with it.  They caught the guy…some cockney arsonist

Morris- Good Heavens

Landlord- What’s up mate?

Morris- My pen…and the bottle of ink…it’s disappeared


Rachel closed the diary…and thought about the essence of the story-cum-radio-play. The timeslip factor…a sudden and sporadic slide back into the past. The subject had established itself as Andy’s paramount obsession in his late 80′s writings. Rachel  read of his experiments with hypnosis and his attempts at self-regression. She wondered about his state of mind during those evidently troubled times…and in those months of his time-travel fixation…especially after reading of his earnest desires to overcome the calendar-barrier…and deeper still…his claims of out-of-body experience.  She could see that he was absolutely convinced of the existence of his paranormal powers…so sure he was of his psychical abilities.  She read more of his diary of the time…one particular preposterous account had him crouched upon an earthy hillock…a cold and lonely figure…witnessing the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Adamant at the feasibility of success in those realms…he had also written voracious attempts to justify his journey through time to see other great historical events. The painting of the Sistine Chapel…the ill-fated voyage of the Marie Celeste (with suggestions that her small crew were themselves non-returning time-travellers…whisked away with no trace)….construction work at Stonehenge…the maiden voyage of the Great Eastern (Isambard Kingdom Brunel’s mighty ship…eventually broken up for scrap) Coveted visions of the Dark Ages. The ramblings of a fossilised mind. Andy’s mind awash with unfulfilled wishes and troubled to breakdown point with ongoing obscene anxiety…caused by overweight ambition…the roly-poly double-chinned God of spiritual avarice.  The pain was clearly evident in the prose of the fantasist.  If there ever was to be a Happy Valley…Rachel felt sure that Andy would never get to graze there.

She wanted to read all of his diaries…not to satisfy any bloated interest in the writer himself…but because she had a curiosity for psychology in general…and she wanted to assess the character rather than the person. Andy’s books were available thanks to a puritanical and tee-total friend called Ashley…who happened to be guardian-reader of them at the time of the fire.  Ashley…with much time on his hands…as he rarely left his bedroom…was a keen reader of Andy’s jottings of juvenile-dementia. The diaries amused him…and kept him from the money-gobbling telephone chat-lines of which he was so fond.  Better to be immersed…he thought…in reading…than in debt.  Perhaps it was because Ashley was so completely opposite to Andy…in morals and behavioural ways…that he had no qualms in reading his quasi-private thoughts.  Ashley was Andy’s favourite person…outside of love and romance…and they each shared an old-age vision of senility in museum-piece wing-chairs…sipping Earl Grey…and stroking the many cats in their midst…discussing events long since covered by sediments of time.  Ashley was the only person…outside of love and romance…and family…that Andy felt he could give his life for.

Rachel read herself to sleep…dipping out somewhere in September 1988.

Wonder-Garys and Super-Traceys

Andy raked the last smoulders of the fire before riding the small splintered staircase to the bedroom. The room was small and stony-white....clumsily plastered so it looked like an arctic shelf in places. It felt as cold as the arctic Andy...though he'd have been proved shockingly wrong had he been thrown lionwitchwardrobe-like into an arctic land. One bed. One wardrobe. One tiny window. He was scared. The shuffle and thump of the milling sheep in the sheds outside kept him an odd way. He was glad of the known sounds because it stopped him from morbidly listening for the unknown sounds. The drawback...of course...was that if an intruder did chance upon the cottage they would be able to get in under cover of the known sounds. Andy pictured the bedroom door crashing in to reveal a masked maggoty killing-fiend bent on the brutal extermination of the weak-hearted and feeble-minded. Ridiculous...yet...remotely possible. He started to think about the creepy stories related to him as truth over the years of his youth. Classic creepy legends like the one about the young courting couple parked in a lover's lane...who heard a newsflash warning of an escaped deranged maniac in the area. The man was said to be extremely dangerous and he had a hook for a hand. The girl was very scared and had begged her lover to drive away from the area. After much teasing and after no small amount of irritation at having to postpone their canoodling he gave in to her wishes and sped away angrily. When they reached home later the girl...on stepping out of the car....was horrified to find a bloodied metal hook hanging from the handle of her door.
Creepy....but apparently true...if Andy was to believe the stories.
He ran similar stories in his mind. It was almost as if he wanted to scare himself. Maximum fear.

The next tale?
The next gruesome psycho-theatre production in his head?

A young boy sleeps in a four-poster bed in a mansion. The bedroom is dark and he is the sole occupant of the house....with the exception of his pooch...laying on the floor at his bedside. From time to time the boy reaches down to make sure his doggy is there. The dog licks his hand and the boy feels safe and protected. He drifts off to sleep...waking every now and let the dog lick his hand. At one stage he wakes up and the dog is not there. He goes to the bathroom and is aghast to find his dog suspended upside-down over the bath with it's throat cut....dripping fresh blood. On the bathroom mirror....there are four words crudely daubed in the canine's claret. 'Humans Can Lick Too'

With that scene Andy decided to clean up his mind. He wrote a song for Rachel....whom he was missing dearly by now:

Wish You Were Here
I've got a problem with my cottage on the moors
I wish that you were here now
Snow falling on the sheep outside my door
I wish that you were here now
I dream at night that you will come along
I wish that you were here now
So for you I wrote this windswept song
I wish that you were here now

Rachel....I wish you were here

I had to get this message off to you
I wish that you were here now
Rachel I would stick to you like glue
If only you were here now
So now I'm laying here without a friend
I wish that you were here now
I think of ghosts and phantoms and I pretend
That you were here with me now

Rachel...I wish you were here

The television's broken
And the phone won't ring
I've drunk my Thunderbird Wine
And the fire is dying
The bedrooms are freezing
This cottage is creepy
I would do anything
If you were here

I wish that you were here


The notepaper slipped to the floor and...after turning out the light...he began to muse over his reasons for fleeing Maidstone. It was obvious that he had severe social problems. He could see himself the pubs of if he was looking at a film of somebody else. A dreadful drunk. He pictured the Royal Albion first. Hardly a night passed that he wasn't gracing it's oaken bar with his slovenly lurch and his slurry talk. It will be better...he reflected...when Irish Steve leaves the pub. Steve ran a good pub and he greatly contributed to Andy's reasons for being there. Steve...although given at times to scant bitchiness...had furnished the pub with a nice air of hospitality....he made the drinker feel at home...with his personal attention to their chosen topics of conversation. Andy loved the way that Steve had embraced him as a stalwart part of the clientele and as a friend and sometimes confidante. So...until Steve was to hang up his bar towel...Andy felt sure that he would frequent the place with his misguided articulation...his scrappy attire...and his terrible friends.
He sees himself next in the Dog and Gun on Boxley Road....where once a week he suffers from what he now sees as Celebrity Syndrome. He assumes that everyone has missed him throughout the week...and the evening flows with beaming hellos and extra-contrived handshakes.

His self-elevation to star-status is...however...a misconception. Reality sees him as the Ayatollah of the Public Bar. A Day-Glo Charlie Manson. Certainly not the person of his skewed imagination. Then he sees himself between pubs...a shambling wreck framed in the reflection of a shop-window. He is trying to look straight but he is stupidly exaggerated...a blurry portrait slipping from the irritated canvass. In the town pubs...surrounded by the Wonder-Garys and Super-Traceys...he starts to feel uneasy about his appearance. He stands and sips...and stands and sips...and stands and sips. Eager to leave...and less eager to become engaged in conversation...he stands and sips...and he leaves.

Back in the the real world...Andy was entering sleep's primitive stages. Then he was awoken from his something. He awoke to find that he was still very cold. He could tell that it was not yet time to get up and face the day. He nuzzled his head closer to the cold pillow...then...he heard it. A peculiar clicking sound...not like one he had heard before. It had a sinister ring of ill-fate to it...a metallic death-slap...droning giant ants...he couldn't quite place it. Was it his imagination? He dared not move. The gritting of his teeth reverberated in his head. He tried to scold himself for his foolish dip into gullibility. The sheep? The wind? His mind? The mind? The cold? The snow? The sheep? The mind? The discordant strains of a distant harmonica. A mewing cat. There were two possibilities....either he had become utterly unglued...or there was somebody...or the front room of Lady Royd. Someone with a harmonica...perhaps unaware that Andy was upstairs. The melody was faltering and out of tune. He felt it could have been from a different time...the music-hall of the sinking Titanic in 1912. The tune dipped and wavered. The bedroom door opened...slowly.

There stood a figure of a person whom Andy was quick to recognise.
'What the Hell are you doing here?'
It was Michelle.
'I just had to find you' she whispered
'But how did you know? I did you find me?'
'That's not important' she said...raising her hands to reveal a gun.
Andy was staring into the barrel of a gun...a huge silver six-shooter...and Michelle was she was playing some childish game of cowboys and Indians....bang bang you're dead. It was whilst he was thinking of his childhood home of Yalding...where he last played the game...that he heard the bang. It rang out in his mind for what seemed like hours and then he opened his eyes to see the gun was still pointed at him. He dived forward...surprising himself with his sudden unusual agility. He made a grab for the gun in the girl's hand. She was bleeding. Her red hair was a mass of blood. It was clear that she had shot herself in the head. As she stumbled back she pulled Andy with her and they began a bloody scramble upon the cold floor. Her open mouth showed teeth that gleamed like ivory razors. A headful of scalpels looking for flesh. She began to chew at her own lips as he held her off successfully. Her as razors too...raked across his bare back...shocking him to open his guard. She threw herself upon him and...whilst kissing him violently...she spat her top lip into his plasma-filled throat. It felt like he had a huge slug in his mouth. He pulled himself away and spat the lip out. Her lower lip was hanging from her face. With cold cruel bloodshot eyes she glared...and with ever-chopping teeth she threatened more malice. With malice aforethought. Her lower jaw...hanging...torn...made her look like a blood-soaked ventriloquist dummy.

Another person came into the room. It was Billy old school-friend of Andy's....and he held a sickle in his right hand.
'Move girl' he he trembled with the sickle. She grabbed her own breakaway bottom lip and ripped it from her face. Andy looked on...astonished. Billy drove the sickle with an almighty swing into the side of her head...just near to her left ear. It came through on the other side...splitting her head and slicing part of the visible brain. Andy followed his old pal through the cottage which was now crackling with blue sparks amid an electrical storm. Two stout the other skinny...both in shiny plastic masks...ushered them outside and into a waiting car. Andy took control and drove along the moonlit track...cradling Billy...who was now a tortoiseshell cat. The cat was still recognisant essence...but it had the face of the infant Billy. The face swam around like a crude projection on the cat's head. A super-8 cine-faced feline with human body. Andy had two concerns during his drive. He knew he had little time to reach a known civilisation because Billy the cat was very poorly...and yet he dared not drive too fast for the tracks were bumpy and a rough ride could have killed the fragile cat. The lanes became familiar and Andy was sure that they would reach safety ...soon....until he suddenly found that he had gone too far and was once again in unknown territory. In the middle of this no man's land...high on a grassy dune...was a 3-tiered cottage. He carried the cat....Billy...into the cottage. Two thick-armed thugs...archetypal suit-clad Mafiosa Playboys were interrogating two women. They showed the frightened women some loose change...made of clay...some kind of terracotta coinage...and they asked for more. When one of the ladies whipped out some rusty metal pincers Andy decided that he had seen enough and he clambered through a small window with the cat. Outside be was pleased to find that the sun was shining gloriously and that the birds were singing as punctured larks above his head. Rich green pastures were spread alongside tarmacadam lanes lined with chestnut trees. He could hear the working sounds of a distant sawmill on a summer day. He was with a teenage girl in a leather jacket. He'd not seen her before...and yet he thought he knew her. Her name was Maxine.
'I told you I'd get my hair cut' she said..with a late 60's smile.
Andy could see that the nape of her neck had been shaved. He saw a name tattooed on her neck but when he bent over to read it the word had gone. He looked up and around himself. He discovered that he had stumbled into a new environment. The air was fabulously fresh...he took great gulps of it. He held Maxine's hand as they meandered through the middle-eastern market-place...inspecting the clay pots and the flowers which covered the stalls. They talked with swarthy gentlemen and pitcher-carrying women and they patted the heads of camels laden with wicker baskets and rolled-up handmade rugs. He felt more serenely relaxed than ever before. He was pleased to believe that he had finally found his Persian dream....his garden of Eden. A bygone age. 20th century? 10th century? They continued...hand in hand...Maxine and Andy. They forged through the ancient streets until they reached a huge stone building. They went in to find another indoor one..bristling with shoppers raking for bargains in a stock of household goods. A man leaning next to a garden wall looked up at them. It was Andy's father
'Welcome to Manchester' he said
Two soldiers appeared from beyond the wall. They landed one either side of Andy and the girl. The two were then marched a small dark room by the side of the indoor market. The market was now situated within a cluster of fisherman's cottages in a small fishing village. The layout of the dwellings was familiar to Andy. He could easily reach out and touch all four walls in the tiny room. He knew that...apart from Maxine...there could have been nobody else in the room.....but he was wrong! A third person lit a match...and showed himself.
'Remember me?' he asked
'We collected matchboxes together in Scotland when you were young. We tried to swim in the cove near Montrose. We argued. You punched my eye'
The boy held the match closer to his face.
'Well...look at what you done'
Andy saw that there was a hole where the lad's eye should have been. In the hole..a swamp appeared and he could see scaly horned creatures rising from the mass. He fell into the swamp and began to splutter. A well-muscled man punted a raft towards him as he went under...again and again. A tough- looking reptile dragon churned towards the sailor. The sailor-man hit the dragon with the stick he was using to propel the raft. The stick caught the dragon's back.

Andy opened his eyes
And realised where he was
He sat up in bed
The noise was coming from the cottage
From downstairs
It wasn't just the wind out there
Then he realised what it was.

Murder On The National Express

It was snowing during the journey home. He thought about his dream the night before and he smiled at his stupidity on two belief of the situation during the dream and total fear of a few sheep banging against the cottage door. Still...he was glad to wave ta-ta to that place. Now he was safe. His estimated time of arrival at Victoria Coach Station had been severely disrupted due to the snowstorm causing slow speeds on the motorway. He watched the windscreens wipers cut their semi-circle path across the snowed over glass...time and time again. He ripped his gaze away...knowing he was falling prey to a wiper-induced trance. He grabbed his pen and notebook...and made notes about the hypnotism of the wipers.
' One contribution...fatigue people falling asleep at the wheel whilst the hypnotic surge of the wipers. Not a planned watching of the wipers...but a subconscious recognition of their hypnotic to-ing and fro-ing.'

He looked away....not wishing to invite windscreens-wiper-worship.

The tea girl tottered around the tots and tarts...taking orders....for tea and coffee...and sandwiches...and cakes...but not for tarts. Cheese or ham between buttered bread. Maybe the odd slab of a cream slice. Nothing grand. Boredom in food. Boredom in the journey. Boredom to lead to manslaughter by poisoning the cheese sandwiches...or the ham sandwiches. Or the cream slice. Murder On The National Express.
The coach was named Rapide but it defied it's Gallic the succint blizzard conditions. No shame there. In front of him sat a girl. She had tightly pulled back hair and a thin smile which Andy had seen for the first time as she waved her goodbyes to her pals at the Halifax Coach Park. She began a conversation with him immediately....which pleased he was busy thinking of a reason to talk to her. He knew it would be difficult...because she was refined...posh. She was graceful. He looked like a tramp in leather trousers...unshaven...unkempt. Still..she managed to talk to him without turned-up nose throughout the wintry journey. He learned that she lived in Richmond....had an aunty in Bradford...and that she planned to study at Manchester University. They wrote a song about cats together...a song they called Furballs. She gave Andy a photograph....a picture of her...but with longer hair. On the back she wrote her name and address and she made him promise he would write to her. He knew there would be no letter. They were world's apart. He knew he would never write...but he also knew that he would never forget her. The posh girl with the thin delicious smile. The girl who loved cats. The beautiful refined girl...from Richmond. Serena Paris Littlefair.
The coach rolled onwards.
Serena Paris Littlefair was asleep.
Time was dragging.
He took out his notebook and wrote a story.


Beautiful Dark Blue Eyes

They stood face to face in the dining-room....decorated with pop-rock the afternoon sunlight filtered through the nets at the rear window. It wasn't so much a slow dance...more a wavering embrace and a meeting of precious the song skipped along.

'Oh when I look into those beautiful big blue eyes
You could have told me that you'd be the one who lies
I'd still be loving you and I'd be the one who cries
When I look into those beautiful big blue eyes'

'I like the song' she said ' but I don't need presents...I just need you'
Not much else was said for a wasn't needed....they were speechless.

'Big blue a swimming-pool'

'I'm going swimming tomorrow' she laughed 'but it's irrelevant'

A spider observed them from it's highly complex the top of the kitchen door...just near the Morrissey poster.

'I do love you so much' he he gently grasped her be-cardiganed arm and slung it around his waist.

It wasn't a great song for a slow dance....but it didn't matter. The routine transcended the music. It could have been any song on that Toshiba Sum95 hi-fi. (available from all good dealers for a snip at £425)
It could have been Metallica...or it could have been The Clash
Heavy Metal v Punk
Master of Puppets v London Calling
It could have been Bowie, Bolan or Beethoven. It didn't matter.

He drew back and looked into her eyes. He knew that she was beautiful and that he should consider himself to be the luckiest man in the world....just for having her in his arms...but it didn't matter. It wasn't luck. It was all that he deserved. He'd been nice to animals for all of his life. He opened doors for strangers and he laughed at people's jokes...even when they weren't funny. He was a good man....misunderstood at times...but a good man nonetheless. This was his pay-off...his reward in life. A lifetime in waiting...and he was entwined in formidable embrace with the most beautiful girl in the world.

She smiled sweetly.

The spider ran across Morrissey's nose.

The sunlight bathed them both in a bloodthirsty rapture.

He could have fallen to the ground..swooned like a felled he looked into the iridescent pool of dark blue ink in her eyes. In truth...her beauty was understated. She wasn't supposed to be perfect...that would never do. To him...perfection was far too shallow...and he felt lucky knowing that she didn't seem to be a slave to perfection herself. He had many faults...physically...and he often wondered why she even took the time to notice talk to keep him in her story. he the most private section of her world. In her space. In her arms.

He pushed back her hair with the blade-edge of his right a cataclysmic move to expose the delicate angel's sweetly pitted forehead.

'What are you thinking now? she asked

'Ah...that I've never felt such a feeling for someone...ever...even over my long life'

'But I am small'

'Napoleon was small...he defined the political and military power during the latter stages of the French Revolution'

'I can't do that' she harrumphed...with metamorphic bottom lip.

'You have started a revolution in my heart'

As they loose dance terms...her face fell against his chest...and his hand moved slowly up and down her leg. It wasn't a conscious wasn't deliberate.

'I wonder why you like me?' she said

'I love you'

'I'm just a girl'

He shook his head

'You are more than just a are more than just a collection of vital organs...brain, heart, lungs, kidneys, liver and pancreas. Everyone has them...if they're lucky. I can't explain how on Earth one person can fall in love with just one person...when there are all these billions of people in the world. There's no explanation'

'How many people are there in the world? she quipped

'Clearly an exact answer would be insane, but I'm under the impression that the count stands at around seven billion....but can we stick to the matter in hand cheeky scamp?'

The spider edged away from the Smiths a fly landed on it's beautifully complicated web.

The man gazed into the beautifully elaborate structure of the girl's eyes...and marvelled at nature's true genius. More technical and intricate than a Canon SVL15 speed. (£399 at all good retailers) The camera was no match for nature's own convolution. The girl's eyes cost nothing...and yet...they were priceless. No millionaire could buy the allure of the girl he desired to make his own. The grace of the girl with ink-blue eyes was simply not within monetary deliverance.

Their heads moved closer as his hand traversed her this stage...she could no longer hear the music. The sound was irrelevant. It didn't matter. No sense of music...or of time. The most beautiful moment of their time together...the first kiss...was rapidly the spider chewed on the apprehended gristle of a common housefly.


Their lips were close. They felt the static swell of love as they moved closer. The moment..the very first twinkling of a 'first kiss' was upon them. Her eyes closed. His eyes opened. His eyes closed. Her eyes opened. Their eyes closed...together.

The Moment.....

In another land...a scientist would be dissecting an alien in a secret laboratory...but it didn't matter.

In another part of the world...a child would be vomiting into an earthenware pot...but it didn't matter.

In a foreign province...a team of vain overpaid footballers would be spitting at eachother under artificial light...but it didn't matter.

'Why did you pull away?' she asked

'Because I want to be sure that you really want this kiss'

'I do'

'Thank you'

They moved closer...again. His eyes were closed. Her eyes were closed.
He knew it was the right time. Their lips were about to connect...2 millimetres apart.

The spider spat out the remains of the fly. The soft, sticky remnants of it's prey spattered onto the face of Jon Bon Jovi. The spider had smelled the spirit of the fly...and it wanted more.

Particles of dust rained down upon the clothes-horse...illuminated by the sunlight.

'Why did you pull away?' he asked

'Because' she replied 'I want to be sure it's me you want...not just a conquest'

'Never...I love you more than ever'

She wondered if the kiss would ever happen.
He wondered if the kiss would ever happen.

She fluffed out her a scruffy duck...and drew herself up to her full Napoleonic height.

'Just fucking kiss me'

They kissed.

The world didn't end.

The music stopped.

The spider looked down...but it just didn't know.

Morrissey sang erratically in Belgium...but he just didn't know.

The man who thought that a certain girl...with ink-blue eyes...was the most beautiful girl in the world...shed a tear.

The whole world was against them...but it just didn't matter.


Andy said goodbye to Serena Paris Littlefair at Victoria. He knew that he would never see the co-writer of Furballs again

Ian loves Gene loves Jezebel

On the next day...Friday...Andy went first to this local surgery and then onto the other surgery in his life. The Royal Albion. He had gone early to the GP but he had been kept waiting for hours all that he wanted was an excuse for his lapses of late. A means to save his job.
'Andy' said Steve chirpily after pushing a beer his way.
'I've written a story....d'ya wanna read it?'
'Yeah...sure' said Andy
'What's it about?'
'Ah....just read it and see....take it away and read it'
Andy took the sheets of paper
Max came in with Ian. Ian wore a leather jacket studded and decorated with metal, badges and various items of jewellery. He was a girliser as opposed to a womaniser. To Andy he was a long-haired egotistical bastard...but the girls loved him.

Steve, Andy, Max and Ian made their greetings.

Andy told them of his trip up north

Max straightened himself on the rickety stool that Steve had been 'mending' for at least three months.

'So... What did Rachel say then?'
'Ah...she was a bit brassed off...which is understandable...but we've worked it out'
Ian...standing tall between his two pals....pint clutched to his chest...spoke up
'So what about the job then?'
'Well' said Andy...scratching his eye 'I went to the doc's today to get a letter. I needed him to see that I had urgent domestic stress....or something'
' appears I have pleurisy'
'That's quite serious, ain't it?' said Max
'It's a lung infection'
Ian...always a devastating Fiend for facts and figures...took the reins
'It's actually a fundamental inflammation of the pluera which is the membrane that lines the thoracic cavity.'
Max- 'Yeah... and what's the thoracic cavity?'
Ian- ''Well... It folds in to cover the lungs'
Andy winced
'Thanks Professor...all I can tell you is that it is bloody painful at times...I just thought it was heartburn or indigestion'
'It will be conceivable that you'll suffer great pain from it because the pleura is heavily supplied with nerves'
Max and Andy sat in silence. Ian continued
'I suppose the doctor gave you something for pain-relief and fluid-evacuation?'
Andy fished for the prescription in his pocket.
'Amoxycillin and Naseptin'
'Amoxycillin...that's an anti-biotic....a penicillin...and Naseptin is for the nose. It's just a nasal barrier-cream'
'Yeah...that's right. I told him that my nose was sore...probably all the paper mites in the sorting-office'
'You shouldn't be drinking then' said Max 'not if you're on anti-biotics'
'I'm starting the course on that I can have a boozy weekend. The doctor told me a few things about the drink, as well'
' We all know about the dangers of alcohol though...don't we?' said Ian
He went on
'Alcohol is a depressant. It causes brain disease...polyneuropathy...acute hepatitis...cirrhosis of the liver...psychological disorder...heart failure...and that's just for starters'

Max- 'What's polyneuropathy?'
Ian- 'It's a degenerative disease of the nervous system'
Andy- 'Like Delirium Tremens?'
Ian- 'No...that's more psychological'
Max- 'Cobblers'
Andy- 'To be does affect me more when I'm worried about it it must have a bit of a psycho element'
Ian- ' Then you get the sudden personality changes caused by the blood sugar deficiency'
Andy- 'And alcoholics have extremely high accident rates'
Ian- 'And lowered resistance to infection'
Andy- 'And loss of employment'
Ian- 'And loss of family life'
Andy- 'And loss of friends'
Ian- 'And a reduction in lifespan by 10 to 12 years'
Max- 'So...why do you both still drink...when you know how bad it is for you?'
Ian- 'Cos I fucking love it'
Andy- 'Ditto'
And so it went on.............

UFO' on mars...why should we be the only intelligent beings? You're not an intelligent gran smoked all her life....lived for ages...a good drink is good for moderation...they are after a classless society...that's why they are closing down the fucking schools...pound coins...the worst thing that could have happened....though Hiroshima was pretty uncle was teetotal...he died at 30....though he lived at number 28....who's a passive smoker here then? Little green men in crash-hats...I never vote...but...I'm a social drinker...a memory like one of those metal things with holes in....concrete wouldn't melt in her could have knocked me down with a's all done with smoke and mirrors...made in Russia whom it may over by a bus....what I wanna know.....dreaming of summer...dreading winter...Ian loves Gene loves Jezebel...Andy hates Johnny Hates Jazz....Max hates Gene Loves Jezebel...Steve loves Johnny Hates Jazz.....etc etc etc et-fucking- cetera.
All Steve...were slurring by 9pm. The personality disorders were on the prowl.
Andy was home by 10pm.
He sat on the toilet
In the cold bathroom
He read Steve's very very sad story...but be was asleep within minutes...and he never got to learn the tragic truth.
Rachel roused him and put him to rest on the couch

Oakwood Mental Asylum

It took him two days to calm down after the Easter Bank Holiday shenanigans. Two whole days before he could confront friend's and public. On Wednesday March 3rd he was the the grounds of Oakwood Hospital....Kent County Mental Hospital. Rachel sat next to him...sketching some of the buildings....capturing an architectural bleakness...laying her own little claw upon Kent's ignominious social history.

He squinted around the grounds in half sun and half shadow. Some buildings and some wings were staircases rusting...while some were occupied. Part-lived in. The occasional ring of a harsh bell broke the a porter door-dumped a bundle of tied sheets for washing...or turfed out an overspilling tub of rubbish. The bell...Andy guessed...was to warn staff of an opened door and a possible inmate exit....more-so during the asylum's younger days in times of mass-maniac population. The it was then called...was opened in 1833. Andy could only guess and speculate about some of the mind-diseased occurrences there in it's 158 year history. The hospital looked very much like a prison...with it's high stone's ring-fencing...and it's small windows in grey open courtyards. was designed by the architect of Maidstone Gaol back in the conception stages of it's 19th century pregnancy. It was...after all...for keeping the same supposedly dangerous element of society away from the good...decent people...under lock and key...never to walk the free Earth again. Andy had heard the rumours about what had gone on in those dark days of 'pauper lunatics' and 'dangerous idiots' ( the labelling of the day) and...of course...many were ill of mind...he knew that...but many were also unfortunate victims of strenuous personal mishap. In turn they were serious martyrs of the break from malevolent institutionalisation. Andy had heard the stories...manacled men in dark dungeons...crazy women strapped into leather chairs and obvious revelations concerning the padded cells...the strait-jackets and other forms of mechanical and physical restraint. Stories came thick and fast. Two men had been chained to their beds for four years. There were tales of wooden sheds with straw bedding...dimly-lit cackle-filled corridors where roamed irascible men and rogues of ferocious disposition. On checking the County Hall Records one day he had found all these things to be true...and he also learned that it was not peculiar to Maidstone. It was typical of all asylums of the period. He felt sure that he himself would have been banished to the Crazy-House if he had lived a few generations before. He learned that physical restraint had led inevitably to chemical restraint...with opium being favourite for regular administration to pacify the turbulent of mind. In more severe cases the patient would be given a good old-fashioned slap of chloroform. So it was. At the acme of it's population...the Second World War era...the hospital had almost two and a half thousand unfortunates in residence. In the present day...the time of Andy sitting with Rachel...the number was a relative drizzle in Lake Michigan...with a handful of street alcoholics...a clutch of voluntary neuropathic stressed out bank managers...and a few people who thought they had killed their partners. They hadn't.

Andy sat with Rachel...thinking sad thoughts of current and past residents.

Alcoholic drunks....jilted would-be weds...drug-crazed blood-junkies...delusion-ridden Dukes of Wellingtons and socialites...fallen ladies with fallen arches...picked up ladies with picked up fortunes...

He laid back on the bench...he tilted a little to see Rachel's grey fore-boding images of a castle steeped in misery and despair...and he reclined a daydream. He was looking at the windows of the St Andrew's Block. The lower ones were boarded up. He assumed it was to stop the entrance of snoopers...children....junkies...squatters...and animals. He wondered how many rats...if any...were living there. Had the authorities kept them at bay..with cats...or poisons. He thought about the fact're never more than ten feet away from a rat.....but he smiled at his own thought're never more than five feet away from a sanctimonious dullard...who knows a fact about London.

The higher windows...on the next two storeys...interested him. The starkness beyond...the gloom behind the glass...the segregated shells which were once home to the insane minds of hundreds of cracked characters. He thought of the screwballs...screwing up fists of theatre-stricken fury.

Raving and Ranting complainers with condemned criticisms

Gnashing teeth...chewed to pulp over a short miserable lifetime

Manic-Depressive Megalomaniacs

The mansions of the maladjusted

Hysterical hypochondriacs

Psychopathic personalities

Just freaks...only eccentrics...merely fanatics and obsessives...and preganant women

He wondered just what effect the war had had upon the extreme psychotics and the scared paranoiacs of the time. The babbling and beserk running amok to reach cover during the whistling of sirens marking the presence of deathly flying monsters. Bombs. The same sirens used to signify a break-out from an inmate. Confused inmates. The wails of a herd of huddled claustrophobics in a crowded air-raid shelter. The damned spoils of a damning war of death and black-outs.

With that last thought he was aware of Rachel's hand upon his head.

'Come on' she said...pencils and pad in hand

'We have Brazil Nuts and Gooseberry Fools at home'

To Kill A Man...With A Red Balloon


Mineral of character for me...but here I sit with two bottles of the stuff anyway. It's because I really don't want to drink anything remotely alcoholic. Ideally...I should never drink alcohol again...but am I an ideal person? Nope...of course not. Two bottles of water...two packs of famille size...and one great big fat dark bar of plain sweet comforting chocolate. Chocolate Comfort. And now to fathom out some of my problems....seriously....cos it ain't just Monty Python who are trying to sort out the meaning of life. It's not even just The Hitch-Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy dude. Apparently...according to that tale...the meaning of life is...42. If I ever get to the age of 42 I will let you know...but I can't see it. If I do live for the next 12 years then I think I will have made a great change in my lifestyle...cos I'm not getting there if I carry on like this. I've been waiting for almost thirty years for my worries to dissolve...but now I realise that i must issue the first corrosive. So...I have to sort out what shaped me into the person that I am now. It all goes back to what is my very earliest memory. I don't need regression to help me see this...i don't need a fucking shrink with an orange twirling bow-tie. I just need my own memory. I know what happened..and when I drift off to my final will be on my mind.

It was a 'nasty boy'...stealing a balloon from my hand in a busy street. I was in my father's arms...and I was gleefully admiring my red round toy...when it was suddenly snatched by the 60's equivalent of the 80's steamer. My dad shouted after him...but with a two-year old bundle of joy in his arms...he couldn't give chase. The yob disappeared into the crowd with my balloon...and he took so much more from me that day. I remember it as my first real first true grasp on emotion. My first feeling of hatred for another person. It all happened in a split second...obviously...but his image is burned into my skull. He wore an aubergine shirt...and a long claret nobbled tie. He wore blue hold up his grey trousers. His lips were thin...very a slash in a silk cloth. His eyebrows...darker than his tousled hair...almost met in the middle. This might seem a long time to hold a grudge...and he probably ditched the balloon a few moments later...and he probably wouldn't recall the incident now...but if I ever see him again I'll lay tools upon him. He made me what I am today...I'll see him in Hell.

The result of that balloon theft has played a key role in the making of my character...and my psyche would be different now...if it hadn't happened. I have always had the 'lonesome' feeling...always been 'alone'... but I have been happy that way because all the while I am alone there is nobody stealing from me. My hidden psychological core tells me that. It tells me that I want to be alone. That's why I am thought. That's why I keep this diary. My caged passions and incarcerated dispositions...which never the world shall see.

I was raised...for the first six years of my a large house in the country. My sister was born in 1960 and I followed in I have forever suffered from the 'big sister syndrome' This arises from the overwhelming sense of involuntary authority on the sister's part...picking up on the slinking feeling of resentment on the brother's part. Even spite of my love for her...I feel that I cannot fully confide in her for fear of an admission of non-independence. To give my utmost thoughts is to disperse my independence. I slept in a large yawning room at the top of the old house...the attic. I remember..well...the vast space...and I feel the isolation even now...the introversion that was instilled into me from that early age. I recall the strange noises of that room. I never knew of the actual word 'fear' but I certainly knew the feeling. The noise of the water splashing in the water-tank became the back streets of Whitechapel at the height of the reign of Jack the Ripper. The bang of the pipes in the old house became the skeleton bones clicking against the sides of the black witch's cauldron. The creak of the window-frame in the dark night became the opening of doors and the stealthy approaches of the bogey-man. All in my room. Catalysts of fear. Every detail...still in the library of my mind. There are no mysteries to my personality. It's all balloons and rooms.

One parents were watching a film. I was propped up in a wing-chair with a pink candle-wick blanket around me. The blanket was heavy..and cold on the outside but it kept me warm on the inside. My dad was talking to my mum and he asked her to buy some polish the next day for his heavy black work-boots. He held a shoe-brush in his hand. He rested it on the chair next to me and he felt the side of the make sure it wasn't getting too hot from the fire. He moved the chair...and he 'drew up' the fire with a copy of the News of the serve to promote the good of a roaring flame. I stared at the fire...wishing that I could tell my parents that I was very content. I had no idea of words and sentences...and I was frustrated at not being able to tell them how I felt. I gave up trying to communicate in terms other than wailing and crying...instead...choosing to stare at the shoe-brush. There was a name on it....W Stubbs. I glanced back at the film...and the adverts came on...and my mum carried me off to my the attic. I couldn't get the film out of my mind. The flicker of the black & white picture...the piercing...sudden,,,startling shoots of fractured music...the hastened panicky dialogue...all summoned me to a sleepless night. I all children do. I think of the children who are crying now. They have their reasons....though most will never know those reasons. Children don't just cry through boredom.

I was extremely envious of my sister when she started going to school. I wanted to go to school and to come home with books...and pencils...and pictures. I wanted to talk about animals and sandpits and kids covered in snot and calamine lotion...and Marmite. I desperately learned to read...because I wanted to compete...and I recall strenuously learning to spell CZECHOSLOVAKIA just for the sheer audacity of being able to lay THAT one upon my family at the breakfast table. One thing that has always fascinated me is that I remember telling my parents and my sister...around the breakfast table...that a Marmite is a French cooking -pot. I was the only one in the house to know that....and I just don't know how I found that out. I could never have used a three years of age. Every time I look at a Marmite jar now...I think of that...and I wonder how i knew....especially that it was French. There's the Marmite...the cooking-pot...on the label...with the spoon sticking out of it.

I started school eventually...obviously...but I felt I was surrounded by uncouthness. Boys would hit me...kick me...pull my hair...and push me over in the playground...ripping my knees open...pushing the late 60's playground grit into my red open wounds. I kept it from my parents...then one day...I fought back. I asserted myself (let's say) three times in all. Once at primary school...once at secondary school...and once on the streets when I was fourteen. I've not had to do it since. Nobody can ever hurt me now....unless they break my heart.

I enjoyed my walk home from my primary school years....through bright green countryside...swaying barley-fields and picture-book lanes...from Yalding school to the farm at Hunton. It gave me time to cleanse my senses of the uttered profanities of the day at school. It helped me to forgive the verbal slouches uttered by some of my more ignoble peers. My step from cynical six-year old to adult misanthrope was assured. I often stopped in the leafy observe a gallant squirrel scaling a mighty oak...or to pick bark from the same gargantuan tree. After eating my evening meal...which mum made me do...I would lose myself in the woods...and on the fields...until the first stages of darkness. I dug up treasures of clay and bone. I buried treasures of candy and cloth. The ploughed fields were battle-scenes to my army of plastic soldiers. The cornfields were spiky building materials ready to be flattened and turned into rooms and passageways with interlinking channels. I loved the farm...and...logically...I adored animals. They were far more precious than my friends...the ones who would sometimes kill animals for kicks...or kick animals for kills., Torturing wildlife...with no pangs of guilt...I could never understand that. One friend shot the head off a sparrow. I never spoke to him again.

Enid Blyton made me into an adventurer.

I took to shutting myself away from the other children...indoors or out...and creating my own little worlds where law and order was assured and crime and punishment were null and void. That's why I am rather unrealistic with things that the real world has come back to show it's real hand. In my panic...I turn to alcohol..using it as a substance for confidence. It is a difficult admission...because it says that I am weak...and ill. did I cope before...when I had no choice but to associate with the other kids...when I was too young to find escapism in alcohol? An age when alcohol was not there to bolster my self-assurance? I became an accomplished footballer. We moved around a a family...and my way to get in with the in-crowd was always through the power of soccer. I enjoyed it..and I felt proud about myself...especially when I was quite regularly the school's leading goal-scorer (though I was a terrible goal-hanger) The other developing interest was poetry. It brought me recognition and applause. The poetry which once had only existed in my bedroom was soon being recited to encouraging teachers and to attentive school-friends. The poems turned into short-stories...the short-stories turned into songs...the songs turned into musicals. I learned to play guitar. I wish I hadn't learned to find comfort in booze. From football and alcohol and singing. From green fields and littered festivals and smoky bars. I have to ask myself this.. Do I look forward to the weekend of competitive drinking as I once did to the weekend of competitive football? I have to answer myself thus. Not a fucking chance.

The constant upheaval concerning our frequent moves filled me with anxiety. I was taken...for example...from a bungalow in a peaceful sleepy village...where lessons were often held in the open a pre-war terraced house in a dark and unfriendly town..where the closest we got to nature was a sandpit in the playground and an Observer book of British Birds. From grassy fields to concrete playgrounds. From a classroom of pony-tailed girls called Kerry-Anne and the streets of rat-tailed girls with names of one syllable. From a hamlet of boys with sweets, Top Trumps and dark back-alleyways bounding with broken-toothed and black-eyed street-lads. I found out that love does not bring people together like hate does. Two people will squabble riotously over a person if they both love that person. If they both hate that person they will join forces and cultivate the loathing. During my last year in the a child...I wrote a great deal of prose. I wrote about the magical carol-singing services of the day...when great groups of us would march through the lanes with flaming torches. I wrote about the curiosity of the WI jumble sales where I could buy...for small money...old cricket jumpers...incomplete jigsaw puzzles and Dad's Army annuals. I wrote books of poetry in tribute to the animals. Testimonials to the skulking fox...praise for the strutting to the velvet-jacketed mole....and loving admiration to the squirrels. One book was called '15 Short Stories For Squirrels' During the week of our departure I buried four of these books in a polythene bag in the give something back to the Earth that had given me so much inspiration. My curiosity will perhaps overcome my sense of romanticism some day...and I shall return to that hollow and dig up my books of naive prose. Literature written when I could see just beauty...and when I had no inkling of the strains of adulthood. Works that I did keep were lost in the fire...the infernal thief. Oh well...the burial-place is probably covered over the little and large boxes that we first call houses and then call homes. Who would permit me to tunnel through their Axminster Carpet...or bore through their Armstrong RhinoFloor...just to retrieve a few sodden infantile scribblings? Scribblings in tribute to individual creatures that have long since passed away.

My last few years at school were the most turbulent. The long hot summer of 1976 had arrived...crushing lady-birds (accidentally) under foot on Southend Pier. Punk rock had hoisted it's fiery's FUCKING fiery beacon...drawing me like a safety-pin-adorned moth to a do-it-yourself lamp-shade. I wish not to dwell upon the cliches of the culture of the day...except to say that my Sparks and Bolan and Cockney Rebel albums took a backseat...for a those of The Sex Pistols...and The Clash...and The Buzzcocks. Maidstone was changing it's face throughout the year in question. Old haunts of mine were being pulled down...exorcised...and new landmarks were being erected to the new God of fast culture. McDonalds came to grab our money. (Britain's first opened in 1973 in South London) The imaginatively named Stoneborough Centre of the new breed of shopping centres of the time...sprang up like a giant retail-orientated Meccano set. Rows and rows of glittering shoe-box shops and glinting escalators (Britain's first was installed in 1838 in Harrods...West London) The age of the modern life-sized dolls-house had hit me...and it had hit all of those around me. All of those who lived within.

It was July 7th 1977 when the big fisherman cast his net and carried me from pond to ocean. I was in my school assembly...listening to the headmaster's lecture concerning the great significant novelty of the date. ....the 7th of the 7th...77. He was advising us that we should all do something of great note for the purpose of remembering the day. 'Do something unorthodox' he said...with great open some crazy fucking American evangelist. I didn't have a gun...I was only 15...going on 16. I would have shot him's unorthodox. Instead...I took my cue from Sid Vicious...gave the two fingers to the stupid headmaster...turned...and walked out of the room. I was on my way to Scotland that very afternoon. It was an impulsive action that had to be taken. I had become far too settled...even at 15...and things needed a little shaking up. I found a little job on a small dairy farm in a tniy fishing village called Seaton-of-Usan. It was bleak. It was such a desolate place for such a very young mind. It was a village...complete with it's own craggy and deserted stretch of headland...devoid of tourists and their disparaging ways. A shoreline not vilified with Mivvi wrappers and empty crisp packets...two traditional accursors of the usually unspoilt coast. I was at complete ease. Up early in the morning to milk the cows...sampling the morning air at it's such a beautiful airy location. I remained there for two majestic isolation...knowing that the education authorities were as near to me as the Marquis de Sade was to God. I scuppered around...doing whatever work i could in order to stay solvent. Fruit-picking...potato-lifting...gardening...assisting at a motor-shop in the closest town...Montrose. I made friends...animal friends. Goats...cattle...sheep...dogs...sheepdogs...chickens...bantams...horses and ducks. I was very happy. Great friends...from the raging prize bull in the the gentle..though feral...kittens in the barn. I moved myself to a more urban environment in October. I worked on a different type of farm...'hashing neeps' for the cattle and baling hay for their fodder. The authorities found me in Ellon...Aberdeenshire. They didn't exactly drag me back to England. I was led into a compromise. I was urged...if not complete my Ellon Academy. I found it difficult to adjust to the fed me to the Celtic Aggressors...and it delivered me to the teacher's strap...far too often than I would have liked. It was...however...part of my growing up...and I would not change that. Not even if I had the chance.

My sixteenth birthday arrived...and I soon realised that I had no immediate family to share that landmark birthday with.I was homesick. I found a phone-box one day...and I phoned home. I spoke to my sister...Jackie...she told me 'Toby has died' Toby was our family dog. The collapse into that phone-box...stay with me to this day. I hitched my way to london...straight away...accomodated by a Christian Salveson articulated lorry..carrying a cargo of meat. Three changes of driver during the journey. I stayed awake...and the last driver dropped me off at London 3am. I waited outside London Bridge Station for three hours...clutching a packet of oatmeal..a gift for my dad. Exhausted...cold...longing for home. Gangs roamed. Tramps asked for spare change. Newspaper vans raced around like mad beetles on a sheet of painted glass. I attracted some cursory glances from some unsavory looking no significant threats.

My family home seemed so small after being in the outside world for so long. It was so small...but so friendly. I signed off from my childhood. Here I 1991. 13 years of adulthood...and only the Lord can count the empty bottles. Now...I want to change. I want to change my life.

End of Diary Entry for 4th April 1991

Maidstone MLO (the sorting office)

He had saved his job but he was sitting at work wishing that he hadn't saved his job. He was toiling on the 'facing-table'.....a mechanised stamp-cancelling machine fed with letters by two large conveyor-belts. One belt was for first-class letters...the other for second-class. His job...with others...was to rake the letters from a trough...separate the machinable ones and place them on the correct belts. The remainder of 'rejects' (bulky letters, airmail letters, oversize letters and underpaid letters) were sent to another section for stamping. This was Maidstone it's prime. The Mail Letter Office of the Gods.
The job was tedious enough without the added burden of working with a HUGE clock overhanging the facing area. A clock which yearned to be glanced at every five minutes...making the shift so laboriously slow-paced. Timecheck Magnetism. Sometimes there was somebody to talk to...a person of a similar nature...which helped with the passing of time. Mostly though...the code was silence. It's difficult to hold a conversation for 6 hours with a person that you hardly know. The 'chat' rarely goes beyond 'What shift are you on next week?' or 'Oh my God...I'm so fucking bored...aren't you?' The English spoke too softly anyway...according to Andy...and...excluding the real loudmouths....he always thought the Americans had it right. Slow...deliberate talk...much like the movement of a tiger. His friend...and brother-in-law...Ashley...worked there...and he could always talk with him. Alas...they were seldom on the same shift.
He scooped into the postage piles and flipped the letters up in silence...playing some of his favourite songs in his imaginary head-o-gram. He looked at the clock. He changed his position on the very uncomfortable plastic seat. He glanced around at his fellow workers. He whistled an unknown tune. He stood up to aid circulation and he muttered the words of a Jim Morrisson song. He looked at the clock. He rubbed his eyes. He sat down. He flicked and sorted and looked at the clock and he scratched and he coughed and he looked at the clock...and he died a little inside. Cough...scratch...phlegm...flick...sort...rake..clock...sort...clock...and he had made it to the end of the shift. Somehow...someway....he had reached that nirvana they called the end of a shift. Silently...relentlessly...automatically........done.
It was 1.15pm. 10th April. Ashley was waiting at the top of the ramp in his lunar-white Ford Capri. The two of them had planned an afternoon out. It was a Wednesday. It was bright...and it was far too pleasant to waste the day indoors drinking tea...or in pubs..guzzling lager. Ashley drove..somewhat Andy's opinion. Perhaps it was the fact that Andy had always been a bad passenger that gave him these thoughts. WAS a Ford Capri. They were off to one if Ashley's favourite places...driving the animal farm...Port Lympne. The sky was open-plan above them...deep was like pollution had never been invented. So fresh was the sky that it made him want to glug at a cold glass bottle of pure water. He thought about accidents and...although he was often laughed at by his friends who dismissed his worries as paranoia...he was still aware that...tragically...people do die at the hands and metal limbs of the machine we take so much for granted. 'Speed Kills' he would say 'It always has done and it always will' He knew it was often not the maniac drivers who died. Pensioners died. Children died. Friends died. Pedestrians died. He tried to tell his friends. They wouldn't listen because they knew it would never happen to them...or they thought they knew it would never happen to them. It only happened to actors in movies. It only happened to 'somebody else' on the 9 o'clock news. In a car he would always wonder what would happen if a brick wall loomed. On a ship he would he would wonder how he would deal with a sudden slide into the ocean. What would he do? A futile swim to nowhere. Ever the pessimist. Even on a fairground ride he would expect the worst....staring at a huge bolt...waiting for it to spin off. Elevators were death-traps too. He had heard about lifts plunging in a lonely fall to the bottom of the shafts why shouldn't it happen to him? He was thinking along these lines during the car journey. Gradually he began to suggest to himself that he was maybe taking his fears too far. With an effort to rid his mind of worry...but still feeling that he should not bow to complacency...he opened up a conversation with Ashley.
' I'm glad we picked today...anyway....with this weather'
'Good...ain't it?' said Ash
They were passing some cornfields to which Andy pointed.
'Ooh look' he said 'I think that's one of the fields were they found some crop- circles....I'd like to look around'
'i'm not stopping on a motorway just to play Inspector Clouseau in a cornfield'
'The Cereal Criminologist...ha ha...but's strange when you think about they got there'
'Or how they cropped up...pardon the pun' said Ash ' but it's probably just rabbits...or hedgehogs'
'Leave it out, Mashers. A creature like a rabbit or a hedgehog...or any other such animal...are not clever enough to make such perfect concentric circles...and the corn is usually unbroken anyway...pushed flat...yeah....but intact...and animals would probably snap it'
The pair were thought for a few minutes...before Andy continued.
'There have been theories about the wind too...but that's got the same flaw...lack of intelligence... How could the wind create a perfect ring?'
'Could be a whirlwind type thingy'
'Ah...nice one Ash...bring the technical terms to the table, why don't ya? No mate... The more that people study the phenomena the more complex the designs become...which means it has got to be something intelligent doing it'
'Like UFO's?'
' obvious and well-worn theory....but I believe in something far more credible'
'Whassat then?'
Andy wagged his finger
'Well...most people agree that the earth is alive...a living organism'
'Do they?'
'Yes... and we all get diseases...rashes...spots..and if we all get that type of living organisms...then why can't the earth get the same problems? It's like the earth having a kind of ringworm'
'Oh right' Ashley smiled 'Ringworm of the planet...deary me...where did you get that one from?'
''s more likely than aliens'
'What about hoaxers?'
'It will be the worst thing ever if it is proved to be an elaborate hoax...there have obviously been hoaxes...and most of them get sussed out...but the main ones can't have been way'

'Why not?'

' bend the corn flat...without snapping'd have to use a steam iron. Apart from the fact that it would take such a long time...and these appear overnight...there have been no tracks of broken corn leading to the rings in the middle of the fields.'

'And what does that prove?'

'It means that you'd have to be suspended in the air...above the cornfield...dangling a bloody steam iron...which would need constant topping-up...and still get perfect geometric patterns done. Oh...and you've got to plug it in somewhere'

'It's probably just a big conspiracy then' said Ashley

' might all come out some day...then we'll all be disappointed because the mystery will be gone'

'I won't be disappointed...couldn't care less'

They left the motorway and were nearing their destination. They pulled into the approach road to their stopping point and...ten minutes later...with the Capri safely parked and locked...they were at ease in the open countryside...catching the fresh pastoral air in their lungs.

The Wonder of Port Lympne

The big cat bit and chewed at the hunk of meat whilst the four lionesses lazed in the sun around him. Andy and Ashley were guessing at what type of animal...and from which part of it...came the large chunk. It became more obvious when the lion tossed it over to reveal an ear and a row of huge teeth. It was a head...possibly a horse's head...but more probably that of a cow. The Barbary Lion yanked off great strips of flesh with his powerful jaw and held the head steady with his thick paws. At one point one of the lionesses shifted...and crept over to a smaller chunk of meat...about twenty feet away from the lion. The lion looked up...let out a low growl...and resumed his gluttonous destruction of the glistening red raw meal. The lioness clenched her prize and carried it a little way off for eating. She guzzled it. Andy looked back to the was was crunching on a section of the cow's jaw...with teeth attached. He wondered how the lion's lazy mood would change if he was to face the big cat...with no barrier between them. He pictured the lion...lumbering up to him...intent on ripping him apart with his mighty claws. He could run...but where would he run to? The park was lacking in people there would be very few people to run with...which would increase his chances of being the target. No public here to speak of. No keepers. No other distract the lion. What price a bullet? Ashley said...following a brief discussion on the matter...that the lion would ignore him if he stood still and acted as if nothing was amiss. They read the sign which told them that the Barbary Lion had not existed in the wild state since 1920 when the last one had been shot by a French big game hunter. They were astonished...and so stood the overwhelming defence of zoo parks. They hung about the lion's enclosure for quite some time...hoping to hear the beast's magnificent roar. When it came they were overcome with admiration that such a place as Port Lympne could house and protect such a beast which could so easily have been extinct. They many other animals might be extinct in ten or twenty years...and they vowed to return in 2001 and again in monitor the changes and developments. The zoo park...the mansion...the gardens...and the animals...belonged to the wonderful John Aspinall.
Port Lympne...three hundred acres of ornamental parkland...facing south...and overlooking the channel...with a fair view of France...on a good day. The red-bricked mansion...garlanded by fifteen acres of terraced gardens...the silent stealthy sentinel of England's historic coast. John Aspinall purchased the estate in 1973 after it had sat empty for 34 years...since the outbreak of the Second World War. It was alleged that he'd won the purchase-money in a game of cards in a London casino. Ashley often visited because he was concerned about mankind's 'rampage against nature' and he liked to play his small part in the preservation of threatened patronising the establishments (including Aspinall's other big zoo at Howletts...near Canterbury)
Many animals...victims of man's greed...were in decline. Port Lympne and Howletts were stables for the much-needed restoration of the animal kingdom. Both parks specialised in the breeding and keeping of rare and endangered species...with the aim of returning them to the wild. This pleased Ashley. Andy frequently accompanied him on his visits..sharing the interest in the animal kingdom. He was the fine work in the upkeep and restoration of the old properties themselves. True therapy for both of stave off the illnesses and diseases of modern life.
The gorillas were gorilling...bowling and their newly erected play-cages...a glorified hamster-run of tenfold strength and twentyfold aroma. Invigorating wafts from Mother Earth's primate offspring sailed into the nasal passages of their inquisitive scrutinisers whilst the animals clawed spade-handedly into the hearts and minds of the younger onlookers. Bananas tumbled whole and unpeeled into dark latex mouths like dead canaries tossed into waste-paper baskets. The gorillas were new to Port Lympne. Andy had seen them before at Howletts...which housed the largest gorilla-breeding colony in the world. The new domed hi-tech hamster hut made a worthy contrast to the regularity of the pedestrian gorillarium at Howletts. In his well-judged opinion both sites were viciously visit-viable. His bestowed upon one particular gorilla...crouched at the edge of the cage. It was huddled a few feet away from it's onlooker...returning the surveillance. They stared into one another's human friends would never do. It didn't matter thay they held a mutual stare..the human to human taboo was non-existent. (the mutual gaze-into-eyes is reserved for lovers in the human world). Andy could see...he imagined...the history of life and of mankind in the beast's reflective pupils. It was a creature much the same as himself yet one that had remained unchanged in appearance throughout the long dark winters of man's incredible story. To might have been saying...'So here we are...after all these years...all relaxed...after lifetimes in jungles and generations in popular culture..carrying Fay Wray...crushing Empire State buildings and fighting the army' It raised it's brow 'Did you see me in that film?'
During their tour of the mansion-grand they saw the large amount of animalicular exhibits...oil paintings...some by Winston Churchill...mural-scaped rooms...spectacular pockets of Port Lympne in majestic settings. Then to the glass-roofed cafe. Ashley took a glass of Baileys with his sausage, chips and beans. Andt took coffee. They droned...lazily...and ate slowly...32-times munching under the crystal-glinted sun. Andy his favourite zoo-animal.
'Tiger Tiger...burning the forests of the night...what immortal hand or eye...could frame thy perfect symmetry'
'William Blake?'
'Yep...well spotted little Mashley'
'Yeah...but don't ask me what it means'
'It probably means that nobody can photograph a tiger'
'Honestly?' said Ashley...surprised...but suddenly realising his naivety
Andy smiled
'They didn't even have cameras then...when he wrote was written before we hit the 1800's.'
'Shame' said Ashley 'Because a tiger should be shot with a camera...not a gun'
'Agreed...and Blakey's forests of the night are rapidly disappearing'
'Too right'
'You know...Ash...they say that when a tiger doesn't lost it's dignity...beautiful things...and someone else said that you can paint a tiger's skin...but you can't paint it's bones'
'What does that mean?'
'I don't know'

Ashely...polite as ever...carried his dishes and cutlery to the counter and they left...refreshed...fulfilled. Through the house...up the stone steps...over the wooden bridge...and into the Ford Capri for their snaking trail back to Maidstone.


On Sunday 28th April Rachel moved out. She relinquished herself from the position of unpaid cloakroom attendant to Andy's hang-ups and restored herself to the 'cosy castle of mum and dad' For Andy it was expected..and welcomed...because it took away the pressure of his guilt. For too long he had felt bad about putting her through the drudgery. She could be free now...and he could be free to devalue his own life without cheapening somebody elses. On Monday afternoon...however...a new mode of thought ran amok in the corrosive corridors of his mind. A sense of purpose suddenly became important to him and he was fully aware...and not for the first time...of the futility of his bottle-bashing. He could clearly see that it was not just affecting his bank-balance and his vital organs...but it was also changing his whole personality. It was breeding crazy paranoia. His self-image was low and he had been experiencing severe bouts of mental angst. On occasions he had actually challenged friends in his quest for what he thought was the truth about them 'getting at him' He had mistaken the dry wit of a friend for character sabotage...and...with Rachel now gone...he felt exposed and taunted by his isolation. He was...effectively...staggering around in circles...surrounded by friends and colleagues...all poking at him with pointed sticks. Ridiculing his every move. The alcohol had soaked up all of his ready wit...leaving him on the back foot. Completely. Wide-open to their sarcastic bring-downs. It was just as bad when they were out of earshot. He imagined their sneers....a loser...going nowhere...a liquid cashbox...drunkbastard...look at his shoes...look at his stubble...dirty shirt...confused If any person was nice to him he wondered why. There had to be a reason...they were ridiculing him...trying to trick him...laughing at his stuttered response...pushing him into a corner...exposing him for his weaknesses with their nosy pseudo-friendship questions. They mocked his affliction...but when he announced an intention to change it was met with the usual derisive chorus of 'heard-that-one-before' or the disparaging yells of 'pull-the-other-one' and the belittling laughter. Were they aware of the harsh cruelty of their comments? Did they think that he enjoyed sitting at home in fits of sorrow? The clumsy...clammy and dirty world of drink had enveloped him...rendering him to a state of collapse...with alcohol being the destroyer of his central nervous system. He wouldn't get so paranoid...he was sure...if they didn't keep picking on him. He sat at home...on a rainy Monday a lifeless room...trapped in his stupid independence. The song he started to write came naturally...a soul-stretching ballad. He wanted it to be like a cross between The Only Ones and Lou Reed. just came out as Andy Fraser. He called it The Prisoner.

The Prisoner

How can I feel so alone when I have here the crowd with me
I just can't be happy as I speak out my words aloud you see
I'm broken and scared and I am prepared for my prison cell
My heart has made me the prisoner

We were in love and my heart was a white bird flying free
Now I am sad I am lost in a world of insanity
I try to sleep but I cry and I know I have done my time
You can see that I'm the prisoner

I still love you
What can I do
I'm broken in....I'm broken in...I'm broken in two

There is nobody to open this door which is closed so tight
Here on the stage it's a cage and you'll see my heart die tonight
Just see my eyes and you'll know how I feel if you've been in love
My love has made me a prisoner

I'm sorry we head is hung low cos I'm too upset
It's true I'm a sensitive person and the good times I can't forget
God is there some way that I can be free from this misery
I am alone...I am the prisoner

I still love you
What can I do
I'm broken in....I'm broken in...I'm broken in two

He moved to the kitchen with wet eyes...but he wasn't making any particular effort to just happened...slowly and clamly. He was fumbling with his gold Zippo lighter...the one that Rachel had bought for him. He held it beneath the paper on which he had written the song...and he burned it. It was his way of taking some kind of control

Death In Venice

His life had changed...on the surface. He was still the direction-less soul in search of a good atlas inside the shell that drove him on. Racing on blindly into the next dead-end alleyway was his speciality. He feared he would be working at the post office until death or retirement...whichever was to come first....if he did nothing to snap the chains and break free. His only real release...apart from the lager...was his little indo-european rock band called Death In Venice...which he had formed in the late 80's. They played the local scene...the Royal Albion...The Trading Post...The London Tavern...the Maidstone Art College...etc....but they rarely played 1991. Washed up at 29 years old. He was happy to create his little worlds in his basic little songs on his battered little songpads. It wasn't hurting anybody...really. The influences were obvious. Thomas Mann. ...Andy's favourite author...with his masterpiece...Death In Venice. The film...starring Dirk epic masterpiece too. The music by Gustav Mahler...for the opera. A 3-pronged influence for the songwriter to work with. To some people the name was an image of violent misconception. To the unknowing it could be a reference to football poisoning...and so on. Chris...the guitarist...flitted from Maidstone to los angeles..which made it hard to keep up the regular shows. Ben and Sam Kesteven...brothers on bass and drums...joined Airhead...played with both bands simultaneously...until Airhead's record-company claimed their exclusivity. Andy had every intention of keeping the coruscatic enterprise alive...with replacement musicians...but nobody could match the ability Chris play drunk and still sound raggedly sober. The band were extremely drink-friendly....they would not have got away with it sober. Death In Venice didn't quite die in Maidstone...they slipped into a coma. He thought about the old times...but he realised that nobody else really did. He remembered the drunken gigs when the words didn't really matter half the time...when the drum kit was a means to break a fall...and freedom of expression meant swearing a lot and changing lyrics mid-set. Satire was all part of the act. Amplifiers breaking...glasses smashing...half-cut hecklers heckling...mess and noise...mess and anarchy. Writing songs thrilled him...recording them gave him a confidence-boost...singing them in public made him sick. And now...same rut...different day.
He walked back to the flat by the river. He looked around at his life-in-a-flat.
Two alarm-clocks
A scatter of music magazines
A jamboree-mound of trousers and shirts
Some empty Pils bottles
Some of Rachel's sketches pinned to the wallpaper to remind him of happy days with the girl that meant so much to him...took such little...and got such little in return
Not a vast amount to be proud of after thirty years in a world where one is 'born free' and a debtor in death. He was confused. He wanted her so much when she wasn't there...but he nagged at her so much when she was there He tried to read a book about...blah blah blah...but he just read the same paragraph thirty-four times. He attempted to write a song about...rant rave rant...but the inspiration was in hibernation. The light was too bright...the lamp was too hot...his head was too sore...the book was too heavy...the freezer was buzz-buzz-buzzing...his eyes were wavering...the light was too bright...the freezer whirred...the lamp was too hot...the book slipped...his thoughts slipped.

Through The Round Window

He had made a decision to stop least for a while...until the 15th May. That was to be a big day for him. He had plans to undertake some new idea for a sit-com had been fermenting in his head for rather some time. He was keen to let it blossom. His resolution to go sober was....however...short-lived...lasting one day...and...up to the 15th he gradually increased his daily intake. He had started moderately...and he arrived desperately sickened on the said date. His prime excuse for the binge was that he had written the sit-com...and had posted it off to the target. Local tv and local radio.

And the 15th arrived. He went to his bed at 6am after working the night-shift with a heavy head from the consumption of booze prior to his labour-routine. He felt sick. He changed his position on the bed at frequent intervals before he got to sleep. He rose at 11.30 am. He would normally sleep in longer...after a night-shift...but he was eager to get started today. It was a special day. Ashley was due at noon for a cup of Earl Grey and a chocolate hobnob. Andy was drying his hair with a Bonnie Scotland tea-towel when Ashley knuckle-rapped the front door.
'Thanks Ash' said Andy holding open the door and taking the newspapers from his friend.
'Why did you ask me to get them anyway? Ashley asked
Andy checked the goods
The Sun
The Mirror
The Mail
The Express
' old mate...I'm gonna read up on tonight's match...ain't I?'
Ashley muttered something in realisation. He was fully aware of his friend's affection for Manchester United and their match at Rotterdam was an obvious qualification...he thought...for his pal to drink a merry drink.
Andy started the kettle
Ashley brushed the cat
'I've just seen the cutest little boxer dog up at the nurse's home on my delivery. A puppy. 12 weeks old'
'Yeah...a pure white one...all lollopy and skin-folded'
(tea-bags in cups)
'So...why are you telling me?'
(two sugars in each)
'Because I have never seen a white boxer...ever'
(splashes of semi-skinned)
'That's because there's usually something wrong with them...blind or deaf...white boxers are usually put down'
' Especially if they are in the ring with Mike Tyson....geddit? White boxers?'
'Yeah' said Andy 'but i just don't find it funny'
Andy picked some of Tufty's fluffballs from the armchair...stuffed them into an empty Beanfeast carton...and flopped down like a rag-doll.
'God alone knows how I'll get through tonight's shift...I was pretty drunk last night and my head is feeling cracked open....even now..headful of mucus...bad chest'
'Well...don't drink tonight' said Ash
Andy looked alarmed
'Manchester United...Manfuckingchesterunited..............European Cup Final...and you're asking me to watch it without a beer in my hand?'
Ashley harrumphed. He scorned his pal for drinking at times and he mocked his lack of willpower...but he knew that his friend would make his own choices. He would mock...but he would never dictate.
Andy moved towards the tea-mugs and his hand froze. His wrist locked.
Ashley picked the mugs up for him and carried them to the table.
Andy started a new conversation.
' You know when you were little and you had to choose a window to look through? Round window..square window...arched window?'
'Yeah...on Blue Peter'
'Playschool actually'
'Shit yeah' Ashley cursed his own stupid error and felt slightly embarrassed
'Hey' said Andy 'watch the expletives...we are talking toddler's tv here'
'Watch with Mother-Fucker'
'Sorry Mister Ashley'
Ashley didn't get the Basil Brush reference.
Andy continued
' So... I think I picked the round window and that's why I am like I am'
'Why the round one?'
'Cos everything in my life is round...round face...round of beer...round-bottomed beer-glasses...round the clock drinking...round body'
'Round of golf?'
'I've pulled a few strokes and ended ip in the rough a few times'
Ashley smiled
'So...which window did I look through?'
'You were defenestrated'

'Whassat then?'
'Thrown out of a window...good eh? I picked that up in one of the Albion Quiz Nights'
'Oh really....and did you win?'
Andy laughed at Ashley's rather irrelevant question
'What does it matter if we won or lost that night? I probably can't even remember. Next you'll be asking me what our team name was?'
'Well...what was it?'
'I do actually remember that...we were called Below Jobs 3 that night'
'That's an odd name?'
'Well...yeah...we just knew it would be funny to hear Steve announcing the scores at the end of each round...yelling out our name in his Irish accent. It worked...he never sussed it'
'Anyway' Andy continued 'You obviously looked through the square window...Ash'
'Oh cheers...I'm a square'
'Well don't don't don't stay out don't even like the concept of don't don't get into trubs...face it...square'
'Well...I'm happy'
'I'm a damn sight happier than you you'
'Huh...talking of the word sight you even wear bloody contact square is that?'
'Ah...but they are case you failed to pick that a fucking Albion Quiz Night'
'Oooooh...he can swear...I knew I'd get ya on my side'
They both smiled. There was a knowing pause...Andy knowing exactly what Ashley was going to ask next. He waited. Ashley shook his head and crunched on a hobnob. Then he asked the question Andy was waiting for.
'So...what if someone had looked through the arched window?'
'Ah...that little choice belongs to the archetypal inbetween...the neither-here-nor-there...the inbetweener..the inbetweenie...the neither-left-nor-right. Moderate fun...moderate lifestyle...moderate human being...completely moderately inbetween...a Dire Straits fan.'
'So there's just three types of person? The square like me...the Dire Straits fan in the middle...and the big round rolling buffoon that you are so proud to be?'
'Fuck no....they just didn't have a triangular window. That's where the real complex bastards would be looking'
'Another window...another planet'
'Another round?' said Andy...rounding up the cups whilst Ashley looked him squarely in the eye.
'Nah...I'd better square you up with that lift down town'
Andy fed the cat
Ashley washed the cups

In town...Andy went shopping...for a special purchase

Arnie Schelling...a powerful man

Arnie Schelling...5'10"...but calls himself 6ft...for 'greying hair' says 'distinguished'...smokes like a locomotive but comes on like a Mallard model train. Devil-Worshipper of metaphors and petroleum-fired similes. With a trundle of castors and the squeak of cushioned springs he whirls his chair across the office floor and brings it to rest in a cental position under the teak desk. His wicked eyes are set upon the marble block which states his post. Head of Light Entertainment.
He takes two squirts of nasal decongestant in his billed nostrils and wipes around his nose with a tissue. Mansize.
His finger...yellowed from pressed squat on the button of his posh intercom. He removes it.
'Mister Schelling?' she crackles
'Linda...can you fetch my post in please love? And for me Arnie'
'Yes...of course...Mister Schelling'

He smiled at his generosity. She had been working for him for just three days...and here he was...letting her call him Arnie. He wiped his tache again...just to make sure.
She knocked once and entered with a handful of mail.
He scraped some cigarette-ash on the desk with a ruler and boxed it up into a square...ready to swipe into the ash-tray.
' I'll have it on my desk now...the mail that is' he a knowing smile. Linda seemed to miss his questionable wit.
'Ironic' he thought...given that he could have been one of the nation's finest stand-up comics...had it not been for that bloody wife of his..and those kids...and that little misunderstanding............
CLATTER....CLANG....the big glass ash-tray fell into the metal bin...nudged by his wandering elbow...and his thoughts were sucked back to reality.
'Is that all there is today?'
'Yes Sir'
' me recorded deliveries then? Registered letters?'
'No...Arnie...are you expecting anything special?'
'Special? That's just it...there is nothing special...not these days...I'm expecting too much...I guess...and if it did come our way the budget would probably fall short'
'Really?' Linda smiled...falsely
'Oh's ok to spend £15k on some dire documentary about a chicken-sexer in Finland but try to fund a decent sit-com and it's like you want to bring back hanging.'
'Well...I wouldn't really know'
'No...I'm sorry wouldn't...OK love...that's all...oh...apart from a coffee please'
She left the room...gritting her teeth
'Two Lumps' he yelled after her.
He smiled
The 'phone rang
His left eye twitched in slight annoyance
It was a wrong number
He opened the first letter
He placed the monogrammed sharks-fin letter-opener upon the desk

Dear Mr Schelling
I notice that you are having problems...blah blah...income and expenditure...mumble mumble...suggest consolidation...dum-de-dum...ensure co-operation...pah pah...

Into the bucket.
The coffee arrived
Arnie acted busy....hunched over his post...and he growled

'Errrr agh thanks Lindy love'

She turned and moved to the door as he looked up to check her panty-line
The coffee was strong...and rich
He opened the next letter...the one with the staple in the corner

Dear Sir
Please find enclosed a copy of The Six O'Clock Club...a situation comedy. An SAE is enclosed for it's return along with any comments you may wish to make

Arnie Schelling sat back in his chair..lit up a new cigarette...and glanced around the office. He had nothing to do for a while. He opened the other letters...trivial mail-shots...and turned back to the manuscript for The Six O'Clock Club.

The Six O'Clock Club


Episode title- Brandon's Income

(camera fixes on Tony and Jack in public house)

Jack- Hello Tony
Tony- Hello Jack
Jack- Gee it's good to see ya back
Tony- See me back or see my back?
Jack- Where ya been?
Tony- Munchen Gladbach

Jack- See...we can still do the old routine...can't we?
Tony- Not much work about there?
Jack- Gary Lineker will get booked before we do
Tony- Is he in comedy then?
Jack- No...he's in Spurs
Tony- Oh...a cowboy act? Anyway...gotta get some money's my kid's 5th brithday tomorrow...and guess what I got him?
Jack- A card with I Am Four on it ?
Tony- Nah...I didn't think of that. I got him a gift voucher...that's all
Jack- Well...what's wrong with that?
Tony- It's a cheap offer voucher for McDonalds....I am so skint. What can I do?
Jack- All right...don't panic...we'll work on the act and we'll get some gigs...get your notepad out while it's nice and quiet

(door swings open wide...Brandon enters...whoops...and strums guitar)

Brandon- Hi gangers...guess what?
Jack & Tony- Hi Brandon
Brandon- I've won the pools
Jack- get us a pint then
Brandon- I can't man...not got the payout yet...but I will do later
Jack- So you haven't won the pools?
Brandon- Yeah...this man with a moustache came round from Littlewoods....spoke to mum...he's bringing the cheque round tomorrow

(Sebastian enters the pub as Brandon whoops again. Sebastian joins them)

Seb- So what's all the celebration for? Good day busking? McCartney discovered you, has he?
Jack- He's had a visit from Littlewoods
Tony- Frankie Goes To Littlewoods
Brandon- Listen...I've won the pools, Seb. I'm rich
Seb- Get us a pint then
Brandon- I'll get you a gallon when the dollar rolls in...right now I'm going for a Ploughman's in the garden...a cheese or a ham one...coming?
Seb- No...I don't like the flies
Tony- They don't do a Flies Poughman

(they converge to the garden)

Brandon- No more talk of money...I'm your mate...not your bank-manager
Tony- I know who my mates are...after being in nick..and all that
Jack- And you'll be back in there soon
Seb- They've got your bed ready, mate
Tony- I had some bad breaks, that's all
Jack- that bloke's legs
Tony- I didn't do it....I hired somebody
Brandon- And that makes it ok?
Seb- And you were a mug...paying by Visa
Brandon- And what did it say on the bill? One knee-capping...seventy quid?
Tony- was a hundred
Seb- Why did you want his legs snapped anyway?
Tony- He was seeing my wife...they were gonna run away all came to a head
Brandon- You mean a leg?
Seb- So he took your wife away?
Tony- Nah...that's just it...he didn't
Brandon- So you decided to reduce his height? How would you like YOUR legs broken?
Tony- With a stick, i guess. I've never really thought about it
Seb- So you paid by Barclay Card and the police swooped in?
Tony- No...they came in a big van. They flung me in nick and cancelled the visa transaction
Brandon- And what did the HP Hitman get?
Tony- Oh...I had to give him two cheques...with card numbers on the
Jack- But you don't have a cheque-book...let alone a banker's card
Tony- Yeah...I know...the missus paid
Brandon- Hold your wife paid to have her lover's legs broken?
Tony- I didn't tell her what it was for. She got suspicious when I told her to make the cheques payable to 'Hire-A-Hoodlum'
Brandon- Then what?
Tony- She'd gone off him by this time.
Brandon- Why's that?
Tony- Dunno...they used to go jogging together...but it all came to a halt
Brandon- would do with his leg-situation. Listen you lot...I've got a plan to lift us all out of this rut. Be round my gaff at six o'clock sharp

(Brandon is at home with a pen and paper and a the kitchen...there is a knock at the door)

Brandon- Who's that?
Voice- it's me
Brandon- It can't be me...I'm in here
Voice- me...Seb
Brandon- Come in then

(Seb enters and stares at brandon)

Seb- Working out our finances, are we?
Brandon- Well...we're not...but I am
Seb- Don't get touchy...just because you're a rich man
Brandon- It's this calculator...the 'O' doesn't work
Seb- I always thought it was a 'nought' not an 'O'
Brandon- Alright Mr know what I mean?
Seb- is the 'I'?
Brandon- The 1 is fine...look...I'm working out our future here...cut me some slack. You know that pub along the High Street?
Seb- Which one? There are loads
Brandon- The one I was evicted from the other night?
Seb- Yeah...which one...there are loads?
Brandon- Where the landlord swore at me
Seb- Narrows it down slightly
Brandon- The last one we were in...I can't remember why he kicked me out
Seb- You were watering the plants
Brandon- What with?
Seb- wasn't your drink
Brandon- Oh no
Seb- Oh yes...and then you extinguished the gas fire in the saloon bar
Brandon- Yeah...well...anyway...I'm gonna buy that pub and we can all play there. I can sing my songs. Tony and Jack can bring their comedy act back to life...and can serve the drinks
Seb- Hey...what about my magic act?
Brandon- Tragic act more like. Look at the night you crushed those wristwatches...permanently...cost us a fortune
Seb- I used the wrong props
Brandon- Try your brain next time
Seb- What about my mind-reading skills?


Brandon- They are obviously useless or you would be punching me by now
Seb- You're jealous
Brandon- Sorry's not the sort of act for a public house
Seb- You're jealous
Brandon- It's not the sort of act that the regular pub clientele would warm to
Seb- Jealous
Brandon- It's the most pathetic rubbish act I've ever had to endure
Brandon- You can't read minds....admit it
Seb- Yes I can

(Tony and Jack arrive)

Brandon- Tony's mind then?
Seb- Point taken...nobody in
Brandon- Right...let's go to the rub-a-dub and check out our future

(Brandon's mum comes in)

Seb- Hello Mrs V
Jack- Hi Mrs V
Tony- morning Mrs V
Mrs V- It's 6pm dear
Brandon- Are you sure the pools geezer said fifty grand, mum? I'm working out our future...i need to get it right
Mrs V- Oh yes...that lovely man...with his nice smile and his Chaplin moustache. He definitely said fifty thousand pounds. I'll let you into one secret though
Brandon- Go on
Mrs V- You'll never work out your finances with that tv remote
Brandon- Damnation

(he throws remote at the wall...the others comes on in the lounge)

Brandon- Come on guys...let's hit the pub
Mrs V- Well don't get too drunk...the carpet has just dried out from friday night
Seb- Nice one...did he soak the bathroom carpet, Mrs V?
Mrs V- Yes...and that wouldn't be so bad...but he sprayed the lounge and soaked the settee too
Seb- Nice one Brandy boy
Mrs V- yes...and that wouldn't be so bad...but his grandpop was fast asleep on the sofa

( they leave the house in laughter)

(at the bar in the Prince of Wales public house)

Inspector Cosh- Now listen, Arnold, there's been a robbery at the bank in the High Street...quarter of a used tenners.
Arnold- Sorry to hear that
Cosh- It's ok. They weren't mine. They were due for incineration...but they could well be on this manor. Just keep your ears open, yeah?
Arnold- Can you close yours then?
Cosh- No...but I can close your pub if I want of the lip
Arnold- OK...funny money...used tenners...I'll bell you if I see anything
Cosh (banging empty glass on bar) Cheers
Arnold- cheers

(Cosh leaves pub...Arnold flicks v-sign)

Arnold- FOR NOTHING !!!

( the lads come in...Brandon is in stetson and cowboy boots)

Arnold (to his barmaid)- Oh's the fountain of youth
Brandon- Alright Buster...give us four pints of your dirty rainwater
Arnold- Listen you wanna drink in here...or be taken very ill...very suddenly?
Brandon- All amounts to the same thing...surely?
Arnold- Any human water-pistol acts tonight and you are out

(Arnold goes to other bar to pour drinks)

Brandon- Now...since it's an auspicious occasion...the drinks are on me

(he pulls out a limp creased ten-pound note)

Seb- That's a bit old, ain't it?
Brandon- Yeah...I didn't really wanna spend it. It's part of my savings for a PA...been saving for over a year...but I won't need to save now, will I?
Seb- Where have you been stashing it? in your cowboy boots?
Brandon- No...don't be my motorbike boots
Seb- You don't have a motorbike
Brandon- I have a pair of moon boots...but I've never been in outer space.

(Arnold returns with drinks)

Arnold- Four pounds ninety-nine pence
Brandon- Please?
Arnold- Don't mention it...four pounds ninety-nine pence
Brandon- There ya go Squire
Seb-'s fragile
Brandon- Shut up....don't worry about him Squire...he's two luncheon-vouchers short of a three-course meal
Arnold- He'll stay hungry for life then..and don't keep calling me Squire...I'm not a bloody padlock
Brandon-'re snappy enough

(Arnold takes money to the till...the lads find a table)

Tony (leaning discreetly towards Seb)- I could probably get you some luncheon-vouchers

Arnold- Come and get your change then

(he bangs it down hard on the counter)

Brandon- Ooh....I only come here for the friendly service...friendly for an ape...anyway
Arnold- You'll be out on the street in a minute
Brandon- Yeah...well...I'll be in charge of this place soon.
Arnold- You couldn't be in charge of a tray of matchboxes...let alone a pub
Tony- My uncle had his own matchbox tray...he went out of business
Seb- What happened?
Tony- Ah...he was also a campaigner for the anti-smoking league...refused to serve people out of principle
Arnold- So...your uncle couldn't sell matches..and he could never run a pub
Brandon- I'm gonna own it...not run it
Arnold- Yeah...and Casanova died in celibacy
Tony- I thought he died in Paris
Seb- Sorry Arnold...but Brandon is correct...he is going to buy this place soon.
Brandon (pulling out a wad of tenners)- There's plenty more where this lot came from
Seb- Let's just say he's had a shining of fortune
Brandon- Yeah...right on...Lady Luck shone down upon me and gave me a nice lump sum
Arnold- Ah...I see...excuse me lads...I have to go and phone the C.I....C.I....see I've forgotten who I was gonna call already

(Arnold goes to back bar)

Arnold- Hello Inspector...Prince of Wales pub...not the person...I have some news concerning the bank job...a gang of lads in and one just bought a's unusual for the person...he paid with a grubby old tenner...he said there's plenty more where that came from...he's the culprit...I know it...yes...they are here now....just look for the idiot in the cowboy hat...bye

(Arnold replaces the handset...he looks at Brandon...he smirks... he turns to look at a poster on the wall. Prince of Wales Cowboy beans...a gang of cowboy gear-clad men enter the bar and head for the function room)

Brandon- Come on then lads....let's check out the Gary Cooper room

(he dishes cowboy hats out to his friends from a carrier-bag)

Brandon- We'll liven it up a bit when we play here
Tony- I only know two country songs...Rawhide and A Four-Legged Friend

(the police storm the bar)

Cosh-'s a stick-up...where's John Wayne?
Arnold- In THAT room...but....hold on....

(camera to function room)

Brandon- God...this is boring
Seb- Yeah...nothing ever happens...not in here

(police storm the room)

Young PC- Right...everybody on the your guns
Cosh- He said the one in the cowboy hat...they've all got bloody cowboy hats
Arnold- The gormless looking one
Cosh- There's not an ounce of gorm between them...arrest the lot

(at the police station)

Cosh- So you reckon you won the pools then?
Brandon- That's right...I'm rich
Cosh- You're stupid...I've phoned every pools company in England...they've never heard of you
Brandon-'s about time you phoned some foreign firms
Cosh- You're going down for loser
Brandon- Put me on a lie-detector
Cosh- I'll put you on a stretcher with a saline drip in a minute...where's the money hidden?
Brandon- What is this? Candid Camera?
Cosh- No it ain't...and I ain't Jeremy'd better talk...or I'll rip your tongue out...then you'll talk
Brandon- Medically impossible...I do believe
Cosh- You're the one that's impossible...I'm going to talk to your friends...I'll be back

(Cosh goes to Tony's cell....Tony is sweating profusely and chewing his nails)

Cosh- Right...Mister Composure'd better start singing or you'll be in big trouble too
Tony- Yes yes yes
Cosh- SING
Tony- Yes yes yes yesterday...all my troubles seemed so far away...
Cosh- Shut Up
Tony- I don't do Madness...don't you like the Beatles?
Cosh- Who's the bloody leader?
Tony- Well...opinion is divided...some say McCartney...others go for Lennon
Cosh- Not the bloody Rolling Stones....the leader of the gang?
Tony- Gary Glitter...1971
Cosh- The boss?
Tony- That's gotta be Bruce Springsteen
Cosh- That's it...I've had enough
Tony- Aw...I like pop quizzes
Cosh- Your gang...the lot you're with...who's in charge?
Tony- Oh...Brandon...I guess
Cosh- And
Cosh- Is that the truth?
Tony- Well...I didn't check his coupon
Cosh- Have you got a criminal record?
Tony- Toy Boy...Sinitta...that was pretty bad
Cosh- A police record?
Tony- I've got Zenyattà Mondatta
Cosh- What's up with you man?
Tony-'s a great album
Young PC- It's not their best...thoguh it did give them their third U.K. number one hit
Cosh- What's the matter with you Tony?
Tony- Nothing...I had a medical two months ago
Cosh- And did the doctor find anything?
Tony- Nothing
Cosh- In your head?
Tony- Nothing

(next day in Brandon's kitchen)

Brandon- I never want to see another police cell in my life
Seb- It was awful being stuck in there overnight
Jack- Why did they keep us for so long?
Brandon- They wouldn't believe I'd won the pools
Seb- Maybe cos you didn't win them
Brandon- I know...sorry lads...I can't account for my mum's senility...Littlewoods...huh...he was probably from the supermarket
Tony- Can you do the pools at the supermarket then?
Brandon- Tony...what's it like having a doughnut for a brain?
Seb- Let's just have a quiet night in...and forget all about it?
Tony- Good idea...I've got some videos for us to watch
Jack- Nice one Tony...what ya got?
Tony- Police Academy...and The Accused
Brandon- TONY
Tony- Yes?
Brandon- There's a light socket over your hands under the tap...stick your fingers in the hole...and I'll throw the switch
Tony- Why?
Brandon- Because i hate you
Tony- And will that make you like me?
Brandon- no...but it'll make me feel better
Seb- Don't get uptight Brandy Boy...just cos you're a born-again pauper
Brandon-'re right...I've really learned who my friends are over this unfortunate time. You all stood by me...I'm truly touched. Real mates. I'll never raise my voice to any of you again...promise
Tony- Not even to me?
Brandon- Not to any of you...I love you all. I should have known I hadn't won the pools anyway
Seb- How?
Brandon- I've never done 'em in my life
Seb- I knew you hadn't won the pools too
Brandon- Oh

(Seb pulls fake 'tache from top pocket...put it to his lip)

Seb- Cos I'm the man from Littlewoods...ain't I?
Brandon- You double-dealing piece of yourself a rat...I'll rip you to pieces

The End

When he had finished reading Arnie Schelling ordered more coffee...and flicked back to the front of the manuscript in search of author details.
' love' he whispered into the intercom
'Can you come and take a letter?'

Barcelonic Irrigation

Andy saw his friend's familiar outline
He drew deliberate steps
Andy had always noticed Max's stealth of figure and straightness of gait and it did...on occasion...bring out the streak of envy in him...for he felt that Max could come across as being in complete all times...even after downig buckets of home-brew. They clapped violent handshake.
'Like the shirt then?' said Andy
'Where did you get that?' Max laughed
'Don't tell me you've never seen a football shirt before?'
Andy strutted like a red peacock in his Manchester United shirt. He felt tough.
Max changed the subject.
'Guess what happened to me last night?'
'What?' Andy was only half-interested
'Well...let's put it his way...I've been in the cells since four in the morning'
Andy was now fully interested
'Let's drink some beer?' he said
They chose Drake's Crab and Oyster House...a pub which neither of them had been in for a while. It was out of the way at the bottom end of town. Andy had first used the pub in his teens in the days of no debt and no real responsibility...when he worried not where his next hundred pound was coming from...but where his next five pound was going. The pub was called The Lamb in those days..a Victorian type of affair packed with teenage peers...regular in fashion sense but Dickensian in spirit of character. (meaning villainous and attracted to petty crime) Andy remembered...more than any other thing...the huge brass till sat behind the bar...the shiny...jangly...register of the night's drunken-ness. Now...the pub...still with old wooden floorboards...was called Drake's Crab and Oyster House...from 'mutton' to 'seafood' in nomenclature in just a decade and a half. It was a pub which Andy tended to times of crisis-driven despair. Perhaps it was the sheer neutrality of the place that made it an ideal escape haven. A place where his close pals would not think of going...unless they were going with him. He went there at times when he had pretended to give up drinking. It was a subterfuge. This was the pub where he had spent the sunny afternoon with Chris after their night in out-patients following a 1989 beating at the taxi-rank at the top of Gabriel's Hill. Chris had looked ridiculous in his bobble-hat...purchased from a charity conceal the shaved head and stitches. Andy had looked worn and dishevelled in his trilby and with his bandaged fingers. Stitched up skull and lacerated digits could not hold them back from their merriment.
It was this pub that he came to to mourn the death of his Grandmother in the same year...trying to shake off the guilt he felt about her last two weeks. The weeks where he was too busy worrying about himself being worry about her being old.
And now he was at Drake's...with his pal Max...his tin-plate robot mate...who was ready to spill the haricots on his latest saga.
'So...what occurred then Max?'
Max took a large gulp of dry cider...sniffed...and an introduction to his story.
'Last night I had the Chevette out again...and Elaine asked me for a lift home'
'Elaine...with the shit hair and the squashed ears?'
Max smiled again...almost in apology of what was to come
'She's not that bad...come I gave her a lift home and she asked me in for a cookie'
'A cookie? That's a new one...oh my life...what are you...the bear off the Andy Williams Show?'
'Well...I didn't want to go in...but she kept I went in...just for a quick one'
Andy smiled
Max continued batter away any smutty remarks that his friend might come up with
'So...we got inside...and the house was empty...except for the tropical fish...and she offered me a strong drink...and she poured me a half pint of vodka'
'Yeah yeah?'
'You know me...I love voddie..and before too long I knew I wouldn't be able to drive...she said I could stay the night and I said I'd doss down on the sofa'
'To be honest...I even said I'd kip in the car...but she was persistent..she made me stay in her room'
'What time was this by now?'
'God...I dunno'
Max checked his if it would help him to answer the question now.
'It was probably around I said I'd camp on the floor...I made sure she knew there was nothing in it...I was smashed anyway'
Max waved his hands and if he was stopping traffic
'So...I was on the floor...she was on her bed...and we heard a noise downstairs...she said it was her mum and dad'
'Oh you were bricking it?'
'Well...fuck yeah...especially when she told me told me they would fucking KILL me if they found me'
Andy held a stern...concerned face. He tried to reflect the seriousness of the tale...but inside he was burning with glee at the unfolding situation. He was beginning to wonder...however...if Max was telling the truth. It all seemed a little far-fetched...even for Max's colourful standards
'This is all a bit Brian Rix...ain't it?' he said
'What you're gonna say is you got caught in bed with Elaine....'fess up'
'Just listen...she went to get a drink of water'
'To test the water?'
'Boom boom'
'She went to get the water...and when she got back she started shoving things in front of the door....then I heard her mother...outside the bastard door'
'She was shouting at her to open the door...and Elaine started yelling know what she's like?'
' a pissed-up Bernard Manning usually'
'Elaine was directing me to the wardrobe....with her little was fucking bizarre'
'Oh no...not the wardrobe? For God sake'
' was far too cliched...I was confused...kinda sobered she started pointing under the bed. When I refused she went mental and ripped four buttons off my shirt. I had visions of getting done for molestation or a fucking twat....'
'You slid under the bed?'
They were both laughing the reveal went on. Max seemed to be revelling in the showcase of his stupidity. Andy just loved the controversy of it all.
'So...Elaine let her mum in...I had my face pressed against the cold lino...things were simple for a while. Her mother seemed ok...satisfied...then I heard those momentous few words which I definitely won't forget in a hurry'
'Go on'
'Who's foot is that?'
Andy gasped
Max shook his head
'That was it....My bloody foot had been sticking out from under the bed...she spotted it. I just pushed the bed to one side...stood up...and's MY foot...which seems stupid now'
'Well yeah....cos she obviously knew it was your foot when you were standing there in front of couldn't exactly say it was someone elses'
' I was booted out...I climbed into the Chevette thinking how glad I was to be out of that madhouse...and then...'
Max started to unfold some sheets of yellow paper
'....I got done for drink-driving'
Andy took the sheets and had a scant perusal
'God...Max...that's serious...drink-driving..on a drink-driving'll go down for friend got a year for comes Canterbury for you mate'
Simon shrugged
'I know...I have a passion for getting into trouble. I'll get some medical reports might help...let 'em know about my drink problem and my domestic stress'
'At least they can't say it's've had spells in hospital for it...they can't deny that'

With the saga spilled they felt comfortable enough to move onto the Albion. The interior-familiar. They watched a very small scuffle in the car-park...nothing too serious...and they took up their place at the bar. The pub had enjoyed a healthy reputation for violence. It was situated in aptly- named Havock Lane...named after Wat Tyler's wreckless mob-gathering in 1381 prior to their anti-poll-tax march upon London...which culminated in the decapitation of the arch-bishop of the day (and the slayings of a large amount of other dignitaries) From bloody pub to bloody end for Tyler...who was killed two days after the arch-bishop. The rallying of the rampant rabble outside the Royal Albion set a precedent for the pub's role in modern society. So it seemed a die-hard romanticist of the a fool romanticist and dire modern historian. Steve kept a tight ship...and this was why Andy and Max were saddened to hear that he was leaving...moving on to new pastures. He was going to the Cask and Glass...near Buckingham Palace...shirt and tie...delicately-cut sandwiches at noon. Max and Andy toasted their pal, Steve. The Paddy on the Pumps.
At 7pm Andy took a cab to the Post Office Social Club. There...sat a 'bag' of postmen...awaiting the start of the match. Andy...attempting his impression of soberness...carried his Heineken Export to the arena..and sat amongst the his bright new United top. Freshly-raised blood on blue arteries. The first half went by with no goals...but with lots of action...and a good deal of shouting in the bar. Three more lagers for Andy. The second half kicked off. Andy waited. In the 57th minute...Steve Bruce thundered a header at the Barcelona goal. Mark Hughes hammered it into the the goal-line. It was a shared goal. Seven minutes later....the second goal came. A beautifully-taken power-shot from a horrendous angle....from Mark Hughes. The score-line stayed the same...until ten minutes from the end...when the Spaniards hit the net to make it 2-1...making it a tense nail-biting flurry of red and blue. The whistle came. The Reds were the European Greats. How could he go to work after that?

The Post this recession-hit time...had a staff enrolment waiting-list of 525.
Andy made it 524 that night.


October 12th 1991

The frothy sea-water crashed onto the beach and retreated time after time...leaving the scattered winkle-shells black and glistening in the ridged sand. It was cold. He leaned back on his overcoat...chilled...but feeling somewhat fresh inside. He had a feeling of youth...even on this...his thirtieth birthday. He read the words written on the notepad...written during the train journey to Scotland.

The 30th birthday is special. I am now officially a mature and responsible adult who has the necessary wisdom to make important decisions in life. The 30th birthday heralds my adult status with measured indulgence. But do I really want that? Is it actually a birthday too far?

He still had a feeling of youth...the restrictions of age lifted by the open-ness of the deserted beach. His friends would think him mad to run this far...if they knew...and they would not understand his need to pin himself to a beach...on a desolate tip of the escape. He had to do it. He wanted to be alone and he wanted to be far away from his usual haunts. He had no desire to be wedged into some pub corner in some place where he had been wedged...festering...a thousand times before. Or more. He had no resentment towards his friends. It was a personal thing...a craving. He knew that they would...however...see it as a weakness. A step towards cruel insanity. But....he wasn't running off in protest at them...his associates and co-drinkers. He merely felt ill at ease with his own position. They didn't need him...anyway. Nobody needed him. He wanted to spend some time alone in order to find out if he was being rather too hard on himself. Perhaps he was not as unwanted as he thought he was. People did...possibly...want him around. He knew that his actions...running to solitude...would reach some kind of conclusion. He thought perhaps that his isolation might digest his self-pity and stir his conscience...akin to the way the sea-water was stirring up the shore...and it's contents. He watched the desultory sea-line...the waves of ambiguosity...mellowing and rippling in the distance. He watched the water bobbing up and down. He laid back...right back...on his coat...and closed his eyes to let his imagination take over. A little while earlier he had been skimming stones. He saw the scene in his head. He was watching...from a new angle. He looked at himself...skimming stones...a strangely vivid he flicked the flat stones ...and saw himself watching the stones skim across the water.His friends would say he was mad...but he knew that he was searching...looking for a cause. He had to escape. How could anyone achieve anything of merit by doing the same things over and over? Going to the same pubs....drinking the same drinks? Each day a facsimile of the previous day. And the day before.

He knew that he wasn't mad
He was just tired
So very tired

His chest was hurting..rather more than usual. His friends had often ridiculed him....always carrying books in a dream world...away with the fairies. That's why he had to he could get his dreams into perspective.So that he could get better...not worse. He knew that he would get worse if he carried on drinking and eating like a wild boar. That's why he had to run to Rosehearty. To get better...not to get worse

He knew that he wasn't mad
He was just tired
So very tired
Very tired

The waves rolled in...they were lapping at his feet now.

He knew that he wasn't mad
He was just tired
So very tired


He knew that he wasn't mad

Just very tired

Very tired


His light was going out

Andy.....Andy...wake up

He wasn't sure if it was the surf rolling across his feet that woke him up...or the urgent vocal of the new arrival.He awoke anyway. He saw a girl in a red and black stripey jumper. She had a quiff...with a red band holding it back. She was bent over him...shouting...some rips in her black tights.

Who the fuck are you, then? Are you my Guardian Angel or something?

I am your Guardian Astronaut

From where? Where do you come from? Who are you? What the Hell is a Guardian Astronaut?

I come from your future...and I can't let you die the beach...cos I need to be your the future. I call myself Italix...the Scruffy Duck


Because I talk in Italix...and if I told you my real name it would ruin everything...and you would know too much. You won't remember me as Italix when you meet me in years to come

Please...explain what this is about. You seem nice..but what is this astronaut shit?

I am an astronaut because...very simply...angels do not exist...but astronauts do. I have travelled in time to meet stop your death. I can't let you go just yet

What about all the biblical pictures of and women with huge white wings...people saw them in biblical times...or they would not have painted them in those beautiful pictures...strong feathered white wings sprouting from angels in the sky?

Andy was very confused now. He didn't believe in time-travel..and he didn't believe in angels..not really. She was probably some local girl...just messing around on the beach...having a laugh. He wondered if he HAD was a bizarre situation

Angels have never existed. Take it from me. Those beautiful angels...depicted in biblical images...were astronauts. It's all about perception


Well...see it this way. Let's go back to the biblical days. There were no photographers paparazzi...everything was hearsay and first-hand explanation

I am still confused

OK...let's say a man or a woman saw someone up there in the sky. They had no concept of space-travel....or of mechanical travel...jet-packs...not even parachutes...not in those times. They saw a spaceman...someone travelling from another time...and their account of the sighting was limited. It was someone flying. That's all it could their un-educated perception

Still don't get it

Let's say a farmer called Jacob...yes...let's give him a name...sees an astronaut. He has no concept of space-travel...of he sees it as a bit of a miracle...a fact. So...he tells his friend...let's call him Jeramiah

Why Jeremiah?

I don't fucking know. Just a name

Yeah...well ...carry on

He tells Jeremiah..over a drink or two...that he saw this human flying across the gospel sky. Jeremiah is an artist..a painter...

Hold minute he's a made-up is he's got a fucking profession

Andy...shut up...let me continue or I will leave you to obstinate cunt

Jesus....I don't even know you...this might be my imagination...I'm being beaten down by a figment of my imagination

Trust me....I am part of your future...if I let you die now...I might not exist fucking help me out here.

So...Jacob tells Jeremiah that he saw an angel?

No...he tells Jeremiah that he saw a person in the sky. a painter...wants to create a picture of he paints a picture of a human flying through the sky. It's a time when they know nothing of the obvious supposition is that if a person can fly...that person MUST have wings. So he paints a or woman...with wings.

Who's idea is this? I've never heard such a strategy. I have never heard an opinion like this

It is all my own thoughts

I am not sure you are right...but you are a very clever girl

I am super-intelligent...ha ha. Seriously...if I had the intellectual power to stop you dying it would be the most remarkable aspect of my very short life. You can't die yet...not until I've met you

Jesus girl....what if this is a dream? What if I never see you again?

If you have the guts...the determination...the live now...then we will meet...I promise you that. If not...then fuck you

So....Jeremiah paints a guy or girl...with wings. Where does the halo come into it? Angels had wings and halos.

That's is if you are super-intellectual like me

Go on

An astronaut has a has a built-in light. It glows. Jeremiah....or any number of biblical piss-head painters of bygone biblical times...have no concept of illumination by artificial halo is invented

I think you have an imagination that knows no limit me then...I need you to stay alive...for me...for your future and for mine

And if I die?

Then I will not exist...ever

A swirl of foam washed over his confused mind. He saw some jellyfish slowly drifting towards his face. He wanted to sleep...he had a death-wish...but he also saw a glimmer of hope. What if this really was a friend from his future? What if this was just a girl who lived down the road? What if she was playing some stupid game? If it was his imagination...then...why did he make this figment so incredibly intelligent?

I promise you...Andy...that if you live...I will be the best friend you ever had...but if you have let me down...and you have let your family down. Don't let me down...don't let your family down. I can only save you with my words...I can't physically lift you out of the surf. As smart as I am I can only use my words. If you die you have killed me. Do you want that? Can you live with that?

Well...that's irrelevant...if I'm dead anyway

Don't fuck with me Andy. You wanna play the fucking hopeless romantic suicidee then go ahead...but just thanks a fucking lot. If I could make physical contact here I'd drag you from that surf with my bare hands...and you know what? I'd beat the fucking shit out of you for playing with MY life and MY feelings. I'd smash you to within an inch of your life...then I'd take you in my arms and make you better. Die now and I curse your lifeless pathetic sea-water-filled body. Live now and I see you in the future

She was right...he was selfish. As he closed his eyes and waited for the inevitable passing...he tortured himself with the notion that she might JUST be right. She might just truly want to see him in later times

Who are you, angel? he asked And where do you come from?

I was born in 1995

But this is 1991

Yes...I know...I am super-intelligent

I am confused

I am your friend...just c*nt

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I would love to hear your thoughts on this if you have any opinions to offer...or experiences or examples to share...please put them in the 'comments ' section below.

Perhaps you have your own story to tell ?

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    • Liam Noone profile image

      Liam Noone 

      4 years ago from South East England

      That was cool reading, based around some of the parts that I grew up in, and I know some of the pubs and places


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