ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

The Trial Of Santa Clause

Updated on September 25, 2011

Christmas was late. St Nick was to blame. Now, lawyers are circling...

Alfred the Lawyer kicked the snow from his boots. The entrance to this hidey hole was well camouflaged, but St Nick couldn’t escape from justice. It had been a long search. Christmas had been late, delayed, and the children of the world wanted to find out why.

He knocked on the door.

It was a nice door, he mused. It had holy and ivy, and there was a faint scent of Christmas pudding in the air. When the door opened, he saw a elf looking up at him. The reports were correct. He wore green, and had long, pointy ears. Just like the witness photo fits. What was unexpected was the big cigarette hanging out of his mouth.

“Is St Nick about?” Alfred asked.

“Who wants to know?”

I brought out my ID. It even had the court seal on it, to make it look nice and proper. The elf picked it up, sighed. “I’ll show you in.”

The movies always show it as a miraculous place, Santa Clauses grotto. But the reality is quite different. Long, concrete corridors, with intermittent doors. I peered through one. It looked like a sweat shop, there were so many sweating elves working away with little green hammers. It made me feel kind of queasy.

“He’s in here.”

Santa Clause looked like a medical malpractice suite in potential. He had an inch of fat on his nose, and a mile everywhere else. But he was dressed in a red suit. And he was also busy drinking a glass of port.

“Who are you?” he asked me.

“We... Alfred Redburn.” I said, “I’m here to...”

“Alfred Redburn? Aren’t you the kid that used to put their hamster down the toilet, just to see what happened?”

I could feel the heat on my face. It had been a mistake. St Nick glared at me, his eyebrows meeting in the middle of his face. Then he leaned back and took another swig of the red liquid.

“I’m here to serve you notice...”

“You know, Santa Clause can be nasty or nice,” he said to me. He picked up the paper. “What’s this? Breach of Contract?”

“You were late,” Alfred said, breathing through his nose, “You didn’t deliver on Christmas eve.”

“But what contract?” Santa Clause asked.

That was the tricky part of the law suit, but Alfred was pretty sure I would be able to swing it with the jury. After all, they had kids too. Alfred shrugged. “See you in court,” he said.

“You know the sad thing about this?” St Nick said, his eyes firmly fixed on Alfred’s ear, “I never did fulfil my promise to you.”


“You want me to keep the contract. It’s only fair I keep my contract with you.”

Alfred felt his ears. They were soft, and furry. “Squeak?” he said, “Squeak?”

St nick picked him up, “You know, I wonder what DOES happen,” and walked to the bathroom.


Submit a Comment

  • ThomasE profile imageAUTHOR


    7 years ago from UK

    Thanks, Jenubouka.

  • profile image


    7 years ago

    Now that is a Christmas story to be told this year! Great story, great sense of humor


This website uses cookies

As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

Show Details
HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)