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The Underpants of Dave
When evil is about to strike, only a pair of underpants can save the Dave.
The Underpants of Dave
He was a dark and stormy knight. His name was Kevin. He had a predilection for shuttlecock, scrabble, and assassination. And he was waiting outside the house, hiding in a bush, with his blow pipe pointed at Dave.
Dave did not know this.
Dave was searching for the smell. Or rather, searching for the source of the smell. He scrabbled around the floor, on all fours, dodging papers and crisp packets that were strewn around the carpet. Which, incidentally, he would have to speak to the landlord about.
Just as Kevin was about to strike, the door bell rang, and Dave walked towards it, out of shot. He opened the door, and saw the most achingly beautiful woman in his life. The woman in question was tall, had good breasts, but the thing that really stuck out was her face. It was hot, swollen and red.
“What’s that smell?” Sandra asked.
Dave scratched his head. “I don’t know. I’ve been looking for the source all night.”
They walked around the room, looking for the source of the stench. Dave did not notice the small dart that flew past his right ear. Neither did he notice the swear word emanating from the bush. But then he saw it. He saw the telltale green and yellow cloth hanging from the edge of the radiator.
“What’s this?” he asked.
He pulled the underpants out. Good taste prevents me mentioning the rather disgusting state of the brown mark. It is best left to the imagination.
“Oh god, how could you?” Sandra asked.
“I...” the memory of the lurid evening of hedonism started to break in his memory. All he could remember was feeling embarrassed, and not quite knowing what to do with them. Even now, he held them as far as he could away from his face. “I don’t know. Maybe a previous lodger?”
“There hasn’t been a lodger here for six months,” replied Sandra. Then her eyes went wide. “You mean it’s been there for six months?”
“I can explain...”
Sandra backed away, a look of horror etched on her face. Even as Dave tried to walk towards her, to reassure her, she noticed the disgusting underpants, the evil things, which made her want to throw up. She rushed towards the door, felt her stomach twisting and turning inside, and ran.
“I never want to see you again!”
Kevin watched Sandra run along the path. His love, his one true lover, abandoning his rival. He took the blow pipe and pushed it into his top pocket. He was almost upset he hadn’t had a chance to do a good murder. But he slinked off, hiding behind the petunias, and then walked away.
In the house, Dave opened his bin, and chucked the offending clothing away. He sighed. Then he walked over to the fridge and took out a ice cool can of beer, opened it, and took sip.