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Things You Learn at the Doctor's Office
The Appointment We All Dread
Yes, there comes a time for all of us when we must go to the doctor. It is not something any of us usually enjoy. It is just something we must do.
First, there is the nuisance of getting the appointment. Then you get there on time or early, but you must wait. You always have to wait. Next, you get to go to the next room where you wait some more. This time you get to wait while wearing a flimsy gown. Awesome. Finally, there is the dreaded visit itself.
During your visit, there are things you will learn at the doctor's office. Some of these things will amuse you. Other things may disturb you. But you will always take away something from the visit. If you are lucky, maybe you will take away some free samples. That is what everyone always hopes for anyway.
Please sit back and enjoy what things you can learn while at the doctor's office:
The Waiting Room
- It is apparently impossible to make comfortable waiting room chairs.
- Someone will call you to the desk as soon as you begin to read or look at the TV.
- The kid with the runniest nose is always the kid touching everything.
- Every television show playing on a waiting room TV is awful.
- Every song playing on the speakers in a waiting room may make you sicker than you were when you got there.
- There are brochures for diseases you never knew existed.
- There are coupons and pamphlets available for every drug except what you need to take.
- In every waiting room, there is always someone there sicker than you. Whatever they have, you hope it's not contagious.
During the Visit
- Those gowns never cover enough.
- Don't just assume it's an oral thermometer.
- It's not cool to lock the doctor out of the exam room (although it is amusing).
- Don't nap on the exam table before the doctor arrives unless the doctor takes longer than 15 minutes.
- There is a 75% chance you are going to have an awkward moment with a cup of pee.
- The doctor's scale is a cruel liar. It always adds 5 pounds. Well, probably more like 10. Yes, it adds 10 pounds.
- Begging for antibiotics does not get you anywhere.
- Offering to "slip a $20 bill" to the doctor for antibiotics also does not work.
Paying For the Visit
- No one understands co-pays - not you, not the medical assistants, not the doctor.
- Something will inevitably be malfunctioning at the desk. Sometimes they can't set up a new appointment. Sometimes they can't take a payment. Sometimes they can't even figure what could be malfunctioning at the time, but they will surely make something up.
- The phone will always ring during the most crucial part of the conversation.
- No matter what you pay, you will still end up with some type of bill in the mail months later. No one ever calculates the correct payment, and even if they do, your insurance provider will pretend it was still wrong. That is what insurance companies do.