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Things You Should Never Do In Church

Updated on December 26, 2014

Sleep. Okay, we've all been there—it's Sunday, one of the only two days you get off from work, and you would really rather still be in bed instead of listening to the minister go on and on about the pitfalls of sin and the ravages of hell. If you absolutely MUST pretend to be awake, carry some toothpicks in your pocket and use them to prop your eyelids open. I guarantee that will wake you up fairly quickly! You'll be more alert, and the minister will appreciate that you were wide awake while he got the chance to save your wretched, sleep-deprived soul from hell.

Yawn Loudly. If you're able to yawn quietly, that's great. But for those yawns that sound like a wild animal is loose in your house, or worse yet, a pathetically meowing cat that's dying in a hailstorm, one way to prevent a yawn is to firmly clamp your mouth shut and swallow it. Yes, swallow it. Which leads to number 3, a common occurrence if you swallow too much air.

Fart. While flatulence happens to everyone, the worst thing you want to do is let one rip while sitting on one of those hard, wooden church pews. As if the smell isn't bad enough, the entire church will think they're about to get caught up in the rapture itself. Imagine their disappointment (especially sweet little old Betty Jo, who talks about nothing else except her love of Jesus and going to Heaven in the rapture) when they realize that no, it wasn't the rapture, it was just that third helping of nachos and bean burritos you treated yourself to at dinner last night. While God has a sense of humor (if you need confirmation of that, just look at the platypus), I don't think He will be amused by your farts in his house of worship. And besides, do you really want to upset poor little old Betty Jo like that?

Masturbate. While it's not exactly sex, per se, it's typically frowned upon when performed in a public place, and that includes a house of worship. And the house of worship also includes the parking lot, the trees, the cemetery, etc. Unless you're in some weird cult that actually encourages that kind of thing. Be on the lookout for another article by me coming soon regarding weird cults. And oh's also considered indecent exposure as well. Try explaining THAT to the cops...”Well, I got bored sitting in church, and I couldn't sleep or fart, so I decided to do this instead. You know, to pass the time. And the bathroom was full.”

Engage in Sex. Remember that reference I made to the pitfalls of sin and the ravages of hell? Well, if you think masturbating in church is bad, engaging in intercourse (either with the opposite or same sex) is not only frowned upon, I'm sure it's enough to get you ex-communicated. While Charlie could get away with it on “Two and a Half Men,” you have to remember that this isn't a TV show, it's life. And at the moment, you're spending at least a couple of hours of your life sitting in church, where you're expected to behave. Unless, of course, you're in some weird cult that...oh wait, I already said that. Or Charlie Sheen. Never mind.

Engage in Oral Sex. What IS it with you people who insist upon engaging in sex acts while you're in church? You need to be whacked over the head with...something, and it seems that something should probably be a Bible. Seems you're already whacked in the head, if you ask me. And I need to quit watching so much “Two and a Half Men.” If you need a reminder, see numbers 4 and 5.

Pee in the Holy Water. So what if “The Devil's Advocate” was your favorite movie? All Al Pacino did was stick his finger in it and laugh when it sizzled. If you have the urge to pee, the least you can do is get up and go to the bathroom. Come to think of it, the same applies if you need to fart or feel the sudden urge to masturbate or have sex. The priest (and everyone else in attendance) will thank you. Come to think of it, you can also sleep in the bathroom. Just don't sleep through the service and find yourself locked in after everyone else has gone home. You'll be hungry, and churches can be creepy places when all the lights are out. Not to mention those church benches aren't very comfortable for sleeping. And what will you tell your boss when you miss work on Monday?

Wash Your Hands in the Holy Water. Look, you should have learned well before your kindergarten years that washing your hands involves more than just getting them wet. You also need soap, and to my knowledge, they usually don't keep a bar of Irish Spring beside the basin of Holy Water. What's worse, you don't know who might have peed in it!

Go Back For Seconds During Communion. I'm glad that you love Jesus that much, but greed IS one of the seven deadly sins. Let someone else have a chance to pretend that the bland cracker they're eating is actually the body of Christ and that the grape juice they're drinking is wine, okay? If you're THAT hungry, eat a waffle before you leave for church, for crying out loud! I'm just trying to keep church pleasant and fun for all involved. Sheesh.

Drink The Holy Water. Why? That's what the water fountains are for. If there's a line at the water fountain, you can always head for the bathroom. Just be warned that someone else might be in there farting, masturbating, having sex, or sleeping. If they're sleeping, please be kind enough to wake them up. See number 7 to find out why. And besides, you don't know who might have peed or washed their hands in it! The Holy Water, I mean. NOT the bathroom.

Make Faces At The Minister. Look, he knows that you'd probably rather be in bed sleeping, farting, masturbating, having sex, or defiling the holy water. The last thing he needs is some jokester like YOU making faces at him while he's trying to save his congregation from the pitfalls of sin and the ravages of hell. And besides, do you really want him to think that you're possessed by demons and come running over to perform a makeshift exorcism in a valiant attempt to save your soul? I didn't think so.

Repeat Everything The Minister Says, Or Worse Yet, Contradict Everything The Minister Says. Playing copycat is an annoying thing that kids usually do to irritate one another. Playing copycat in church (unless it's some weird sexual thing that...see what you people have done to me? Now all I can think about is sex!) is probably not enough to get you ex-communicated, but it WILL earn you some strange, if not downright irritated or angry, looks from your fellow parishioners. Contradicting the minister is even worse, because everyone might think you have Tourette's Syndrome and be inclined to pray for you, and if you think you can do a better job of saving everyone from the pitfalls of sin and the ravages of hell, then you go right ahead, buddy! Just be sure you don't fall asleep, yawn loudly, fart, masturbate, engage in ANY type of sex, eat all of the communion wafers and drink all of the juice (er, wine...I meant wine), or taint the Holy Water while you're at it. Okay?

Source for this list: My twisted mind!


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