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Things to Make People Laugh
Turn Victim's Drink into Sludge! Ha!
People have added this to milk, large sodas and even the beer of a drunk friend. It is the most fun with an audience watching the unwitting victim. Packet turns a beverage into a clump of sludge. A full packet, and you can invert the cup without spilling anything!
Why Should You be Funny?
Everyone likes funny. Even drill sergeants like funny. Laughter is good for the bones, you know!
Anyone who ever perused a list of profiles on a dating site knows this: When women describe the kind of man they like, "funny" is one of the most common things listed.
People have even been cured from diseases by laughing. Laughter wins people over. If you can deliver laughs, it brings joy to everyone around you- including you.
At the checkout stand.
Cashiers get cycled around to different stores regularly. Chances are, the cashier ringing up your groceries has never heard any of these:
When you swipe your debit card, and the drawer pops open to give you "cash back", do this:
point at the screen of the card processing machine, and say, "Oh! It says I've won a hundred dollars!"
When the cashier is nearly complete swiping 37 or 40 items and the bagger has the cart half loaded, look at the cashier and say, "Oh, I forgot to ask. You all take Monopoly money, right?"
Have you ever stood in line patiently while the person in front of you sl-o-o-o-owly chooses ten different lottery tickets, then lists his numbers one by one buying Super Lotto tickets? Everyone is shifting their weight. They guy with an ice cream has started eating it so it won't melt.... As the Super Lotto buyer walks off, quickly approach the counter and pound a fist on the counter. Proclaim loudly, "I'll take the same numbers he just got!"
This always gets a laugh from the other people waiting behind you. Strangely, though I've done this many times, the departing Super Lotto ticket holder never seems to hear this.
Another great joke is to tell the cashier, "I get the double secret discount." Most people will laugh right away when they hear this. Some were born without a funny bone. For these, keep pressing the joke. Say to someone with you, or perhaps the stranger behind you in line, "I don't think he knows about the double secret discount." Or, alternately, respond with, "Ask Dave (any name will do here, as long as it does not match any real names of management), he'll tell you. I always get this discount."
At a local bank, the cashier told me that cashing a check from my client who held an account there would cost $5. I told her, "Oh, I never pay that. I get the double secret discount." When she looked confused I followed through with, "Yeah, ask the manager, I always get this discount." I forgot to say "ask Dave".
She walked away to get some change (I thought). She returned and explained that the manager didn't know anything about a special double secret discount! Every time I see that cashier, she jokes about it and we both laugh. In fact, credit for this next nugget goes to Joie of Bank of the West who said, "You should really go all in. Tell people that you receive a 10% premium on cashed checks in exchange for honoring the bank with your presence."
P.S.- "It says I won a hundred dollars" also works with bank cashiers.
Which of these did you find most funny?
Buy Joke Books to Build Material
When no Comment is Necessary
When you're leaving the break room with your coffee in hand, and a co-worker (a boss is even better) enters the doorway, as you pass, say, "It was like that when I got here." Immediately put the cup to your mouth to signal you have nothing further to share. Return to your cube/ dungeon and share the story with your coworkers.
If someone drops something: say, "Yeah, just put that anywhere."
Not So Friendly Offer
When offering something to a friend such as a glass of water or a bowl of chips, if it is refused, say: "Are you sure? First one is free."
When a guest in your home asks for the restroom, "Excuse me, I have to use the restroom," give the directions. "It's down the hall, last door on the left." Then, add this, "Just leave a quarter on the sink when you're done."
Pretend to Misunderstand
A lot of humor involves adding an unexpected meaning to what should have been obvious.
Occasionally, in a coffee shop, or crowded diner, someone will ask for an unused chair, "Mind if I take this chair?" they will say. Or sometimes, "Can I take this chair?" Pretend to understand the person means to steal the chair. Say, "I don't mind. But, you might have a problem with the maitre d' (barrista) on your way out."
When someone hands you a purse, shopping bag or child to watch "just for a minute" and then walks off, immediately turn to a stranger and say, "Would you like to buy a purse? Cheap."
Around the holidays, banks like to place bowls of candy on top of the little barricade that hides the dusty backs of their computers. Ask, "Is this candy free?" When they say yes, take both hands and scoop up as much as you possibly can. Say to your wife, "open your purse, honey." Even if you're alone, just lifting it out of the bowl is sure to get a laugh.
My wife is very beautiful. She does not like for others to think anything strange about her. What a burden! To help her get free of this, in restaurants, when she lifts her cup and tilts it back, I make a loud slurping noise, khhhhooooop!... She doesn't enjoy it so much, but I laugh every time. The slurping noise has to be a cartoon-esque sound. This clarifies that people should laugh.
I did this once in an IHOP. A women happened to look over, saw what I was doing, and nearly fell out of her booth laughing. It was one of those great laughs that exploded the instant she caught the humor.
Be warned: Wives can easily duplicate this one!
Piece of Cake
At a relative's home, at a birthday party, or some other event with a dessert table, ask if you can have "some cake". Cut a slice, place it on a plate, and set the one-piece plate aside. Then, pick up the entire one-piece-missing cake and ask, "May I have a fork, please?"
Part of getting a good laugh is timing. When someone makes a statement with holes in it, be the first one to capitalize on the error.
In the eighth grade, my English teacher lectured on the use of "ain't". She was adamantly opposed to ever hearing the word. It was a stern and long-winded lecture. Turning toward us, and crossing her arms in victory, she summed her position, saying, "You cannot use the word ain't in a grammatically correct sentence."
I quipped, "You just did."
The closer you can get to treading on the speaker's heels, the better.
Tell somebody, "I bet I can guess your birthday within three days."
Use this one on waitresses or other people like cashiers- people you see quickly, and then they're gone.
"Okay. Guess." They will respond with something to cue your guess.
You answer: "Tuesday."
hehehe... It will take them half a shake to figure out that every day is within three days of Wednesday. In fact, you can guess Tuesday or Friday or any day. But, don't use a day that has other connotations. (e.g. Sunday is church day and Monday is back to the grind day.) Tuesday and Wednesday seem to work best.