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Updated on January 29, 2011

My 50th Hub

I wanted to celebrate the occasion by writing something simple yet elegant and profound.

Wednesday night I really tried to decide between topics…then came the storm. It had been predicted on the news; Thunder Snow, they called it. For five hours, it would snow from 2 to 3 inches an hour accompanied by thunder and lightning. I had never heard of anything like it, but soon after five o’clock, it started. It was beautiful when I went outside around six. Already dark because it was only January, and the rain, snow, ice mixture was pouring from the sky. By seven, my skylights were covered with snow and the lights were dim; I could see the flashes of lightning and hear the thunder rolling across the sky. It was magnificent. For a while…

Then there was a loud crack, a bright flash, and everything went dark and silent. It was only seven thirty. I would find out the next morning that a tall tree had fallen across the road on our little street and took down the power line to our whole little group of houses. We all relied on electric everything so there was of course no heat (even with oil burning furnaces), no water (all the pumps for the wells are electric), and of course no appliances. The storm had just started and already the Governor had declared a statewide emergency so we weren’t going anywhere tonight. We just settled in for a long night.

I vacated my house the next afternoon when my cousin rescued me; he was digging out relatives one by one that morning from the snow and ice mess. I spent the next two days with my aunt, relaxing, watching TV, and relaxing some more. Power to my house wasn’t restored until late last night. I think the temperature in here reached forty degrees, and the heat ran almost constantly trying to warm everything up again.

I had a lot of time to think while I was away. My aunt doesn’t have wireless internet, since she only has her one computer at home…and honestly, I didn’t use hers because I felt like I needed the break to do that work on my “patterns” that I keep trying to do but life happens.

The Root of it All


Between what I want to have

And what I believe my responsibility is

Bleeding heart

For every wounded soul

Believing I can heal

With the wave of a wand

Or make up for

Whatever was taken away

I do not have that kind of power

I cannot change night into day

I cannot stop addiction

I wasn’t around for the abuse

I don’t have to pay for it

Something inside me

Left unresolved from long ago

Feels I need to be there

To rescue and save the others

Protect and serve

Look out for the innocent ones

Make things easier

And give my life if I have to

But it’s not necessary anymore.

That program just didn’t shut down.

I am not a savior

I can’t take you to a magic isle

Where the darkness doesn’t exist

I can’t show you how to pray or where God is

I can’t perform miracles

Or even show you what faith looks like

And you don’t expect me to, do you?

But I try.

I am not a goddess

To turn the scales of justice in your favor

Make you strong and powerful

By being at your side

I can’t turn the tides, make it snow, or coax the sun

Nor promise you riches from your dreams

And I have no fountain of youth or passion

Though you might want that beauty from me

But I try.

I am not a doctor

Who can heal your wounds

In your head or in your heart

I have no magic potion

To cure you of your ills

Nor silence those voices

In your head

I can’t heal the past or present

Or take away all the pain you feel

But I try.

I am not a mother

Who can hold you in my arms

And say everything will be alright

And everyone plays fair

Or the dishonest pay their dues

I can’t enforce fair rules

On life’s playground everyday

Or think all can be solved

With saying “I love you”

But I try.

And therein lies the problem

Not in you, but in me.

Before you ask, I’m there.

Before you cry, I’m there.

Before you are deflated, I’m there.

I can sense it because I remember how it was for me,

And I know what the energy feels like.

What I wished someone would do or say for me,

I am trying to do for you

And then I am disappointed because I’m still empty

Still feeling like no one is there for me

Because I don’t know how to ask

I don’t reach out

Still afraid after all these years to let someone be there for me.

It’s my own fault.

I need to break the pattern, after recognizing the truth.

I’ll never be happy

As long as I’m focusing on outward,

Projecting my needs onto others

This time when I’m stepping out on my own

I will be free to be me

Making my own choices and living with that

Purposely not in any relationship

For my own good, because I can’t see me when I am.

Thank You!

I want to say a big thank you to all my family and friends here on hubpages for your continued support and encouragement these past 14 months. Writing has been my therapy, and you all have been my best friends - I look forward to interacting with you through our comments and our writing everyday. I love the way we share and have made our own little (or rather large!) family on here, no matter how far apart we are! I wish you all love, light and many many blessings on your individual journeys through life. Namaste, Erin


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    • Erin LeFey profile imageAUTHOR

      Erin LeFey 

      7 years ago from Maryland

      Christina, I know you are the one who can share what it was like that night! Incredible wasn't it? I was so glad I was home until the tree struck our power lines - I had no idea that the landlord set it up so that the entire house relied on electric! It seems that when anything out of the ordinary (when is it ordinary anyway?) is going on, my first inclination is to write, now is that avoidance or inspiration? LOL We will get together, I have a feeling it will be once the weather breaks and the first signs of spring arrive! At Barnes and Noble on the Avenue!!! Love and Peace!

      Ritchie, Thank you, Thank you! I was so looking forward to 50. I do love the snow, reminds me of my Colorado years, only our electric outage just meant electric. We put our food on the deck to stay cold, and lit a fire in the wood stove that kept most of the house warm! I got used to keeping an ample supply of candles. Its so gorgeous. I'd curl up with my dogs by the fire and keep on writing. Love and Peace.

    • richtwf profile image


      7 years ago

      A big congratulations Erin on achieving your 50th hub milestone - A Great effort indeed!

      Your poem reminded me of the snowfalls that the UK has had in the past year - more than usual. I find tranquillity and peace when it snows. And when going for a run or walk in the snow everything seems so serene, and I feel at peace too, it's a beautiful state of mind. The snow can have a great calming effect.

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts and God bless.

    • CMCastro profile image

      Christina M. Castro 

      7 years ago from Baltimore,MD USA

      Thanks for your testimony on that particular night of thundersnow. I was caught on the interstates in our town and into the city taking me til the wee hours of the night to get home. If I was only Dorothy in the Ruby Slippers! The time of year is so unpredictable, but it is so good to be grounded and rooted in the things that we love, and I am happy to see that you have been able to write during this cold and wet season. I always enjoy your hubs and look forward to sitting down to have that cup of coffee with you. Peace! Christina

    • Erin LeFey profile imageAUTHOR

      Erin LeFey 

      7 years ago from Maryland

      Ruby, I'm so glad you loved it! Oh we've got more sleet, snow and horrible temps on the way tomorrow night (Mon) through Wed night and I'm scheduled for a nerve block - I've been waiting for this procedure for so long, (I'm hoping it will stop all this pain) and the weather will cooperate so I can make it there Wednesday - I'm going to my parent's tomorrow night just in case and Mom is on a mission to get me there!

      Thank you for your kind words and I promise to keep pumping out volumes as they keep flowing into my head as long as you all do. I've got a lot of catch up reading to do! Love and Peace my friend!

      b., I know you are all there for me, I feel it every day, and I'm so grateful for you all! "Free to be Me" almost felt like I was writing the finale for a song in a Love and Peace my friend!

    • b. Malin profile image

      b. Malin 

      7 years ago

      You are there for everyone...and WE are there for you. Beautiful poem to celebrate your 50th Hub...Lovely Pictures as well...and I loved the line "Free to be You"...LOL.

    • always exploring profile image

      Ruby Jean Richert 

      7 years ago from Southern Illinois

      Erin, I loved this special edition of number fifty. I'm sorry that you've had a bad time with the weather, but look! what it brought, beautiful poetry that only you could give. Thank you my special friend.

      Love and Peace

    • Erin LeFey profile imageAUTHOR

      Erin LeFey 

      7 years ago from Maryland

      Oh Thank you Epi (takes a bow)I feel like I've won my first Golden Globe for hubbers - and I haven't congratulated you yet on your new photo shots! I have a lot of catch up reading to do this week, I'll be back to your hubs. Again you make me speechless with your golden tongue :)

      VietnamVet68, thank you so much, I was just writing from my heart - you know me, it just gushes out! You my dear, are just too sweet to me! Thank you for celebrating my 50th with me - I so wanted to be among my bestest friends!

      Twobmad, Thanks so much for visiting me on my special occasion! Nope, I am not old enough to be a grandmother, unless I had children very young! It's nice to celebrate 50 with only a couple of white hairs! Thank you for your well wishes, and enjoy your own journey as well!

    • twobmad profile image


      7 years ago from Myanmar(Burma)

      Nice reflection...good luck.0n your hubbing journey. if converted into age of 50. You might have been a grandma by now. hehe...

    • vietnamvet68 profile image


      7 years ago from New York State

      such beautiful words you have written Erin, you are a remarkable lady with a loving and kind heart.A beautiful Hub for the 50th. Here is Wishing you all the best

      God Bless you my dear friend

    • epigramman profile image


      7 years ago

      ..well let me be the 'honored first' to sincerely congratulate you on your 'esteemed' 50th hub - and yes that is your writing - as defined - elegant and profound!!!!! And I will forever remember you now as the poetic angel who gave us the most beautiful yellow butterfly ......after all of that snow!!!!!! Yes nature is a miracle - then again so are you!!!!!


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