- Books, Literature, and Writing»
- Commercial & Creative Writing»
- Creative Writing»
- Humor Writing
The End Of The World : How To Survive A Zombie Apocalypse While Fighting Your Way To Freedom
Tips On Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse
We all know its going to happen. One sunny morning you're going to wake up, look out your window, and see sweet ol' Mrs. Smith (your elderly neighbor and head of the neighborhood knitting club) stumbling across your lawn in an awkward, yet familiar, fashion. As she gets closer, you notice her eyes - black as the night and unfocused. Blood smears her face, for some reason all of her teeth have become pointy, and a vile black ooze seeps from her mouth ...
About the time she begins to bash her head against your living-room window, you realize the Zombie Apocalypse has begun ...
To those lucky few who have stumped upon this page, listen up. I'm going to detail the skills you need to survive this unholy event when it inevitably happens (because we all know this is real ... really it is ...). You'll learn how to identify zombies, how to avoid common mistakes people make while fighting zombies, and how to flee a zombie infested area and live out the rest of your life without the fear of your old 7th grade science teacher showing up and trying to devour your brain.
So buckle up ... its going to be a bumpy ride. (The bumps will be you running over zombies, but we'll cover that later).
Study Materials for Survival
Identifying Zombies And Different Types of Zombie Attacks
The traditional view of zombies are that of the undead. Humans rising from their graves to feed on the living. This view has the zombies slowly stumbling down the middle of the road, moaning incoherent sounds, and smelling of rotten flesh. If you find yourself in the middle of this type of zombie outbreak, you're in luck! You can easily outrun these bumbling corpses and only a 1940's actress is stupid enough to stand in one place screaming and ripping her own hair out while the zombie chases her at less than a slow crawl. She'll die, and you should let her. The great thing about a Zombie Apocalypse is that it will wipe out the stupid people.
However, modern movies have shown us that not all zombies are the bumbling undead. Recent insight into zombie attacks has shown that there is a second, much more dangerous type of Zombie Apocalypse. In this event, the zombies are fast moving, lethal, and just killing them can be dangerous because of their blood! This type of zombie infestation comes from a type of blood-born virus. In this "virus zombie" scenario, normal people are "infected" with a virus that turns them into something much worse than the traditional zombie. These fast moving creatures desire nothing more than to eat you. Their hunger is so intense that they'll chase you at full speed for hours. And the worst part is, even if you try to kill them, their blood spraying on your is just as dangerous as their bite! If you find yourself in this type of zombie attack, you'd best pray to whatever god you believe in and then follow these simple rules in order to survive.
Those that die in the initial wave of a zombie attack will be those poor souls that didn't have a plan for the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse. Preparation is going to be a key factor on wether you live, or become Mrs. Smith's first meal. So what types of things do you need to prepare? We can easily break this down into skills and supplies .
First lets talk about skills. The first is going to be a way to kill the zombies. Now, everyone knows that zombies are pretty hard to kill, since, by their very nature, they're already pretty much dead. The two surefire ways to put a zombie down for good are by A.) Burning them or B.) decapitating them. Since making a mobile flamethrower really isn't practical for the average person, we'll concentrate on ways to decapitate. But not everyone can just pick up asword and know how to decapitate a zombie running at them. In order to do that, you must have training with your desired weapon. So go take a Kendo class, join the SCA, or take part in some other class that will teach you a useful weapon skill. (My girlfriend and I decided we'd use water balloons filled with gasoline and flaming arrows. I'm getting quiet good at using a bow. She throws the balloons and then I shoot them. So far we've only practiced with normal water balloons and my Nerf Arrow set, but I'm pretty confident in our skillz) .
Next you're going to need supplies. The first is, of course, your chosen weapon. Always have this in an accessible area. You won't have a lot of time once Mrs. Smith busts through that window. But when she does, you'll be waiting there ready to put her down. A shame really. She always made the best cookies.
Prepare a bag with a least 2 weeks worth of non-perishables and store that in the same place as your weapons. Don't forget to put a couple water bottles in there, and refill them once every-other day with fresh water. Its best if this bag is something you can carry on your back so you can have both of your hands free incase you need to fight, clime, or use a super high tech computer terminal (These will appear randomly about the city once the Apocalypse begins).
If you live near the water, invest some time in learning how to sail. Zombies can't swim, so if you can get on a sailboat then you'll be able to make it to Hawaii or the Bahamas where, hopefully, the zombie infestation hasn't reached yet. Remember, most of the economies infrastructure (like gas) won't be working shortly after the attack begins, so learning how to sail is the best mode of transportation. If you're landlocked ... sorry. Just keep running.
Oh, and learn how to fish.
Fighting and Surviving Zombies
The best way to survive a zombie attack is to simply avoid the zombies. But, sooner or later, you're going to have to put one down. If you're caught up in a traditional, undead zombie outbreak, then this is much easier. Just find yourself a VW van and go for a ride (bump ... "what was that?"). You can also hack and slash away at these things if they get too close. You only turn into a zombie yourself if they bite you, so just keep those gnarly teeth at bay and you should be fine.
If you find yourself in the more dangerous, "virus-zombie" scenario, then you'll want to take a few more precautions. First, you'll want to make sure that while fighting them you're safe from any stray blood that might get on you. I prefer ski goggles or a paintball mask and a garbage bag (the black kind) as a poncho. I must admit, it looks pretty bad ass (I put on my gear and check myself out in the mirror sometimes). Its much harder to run away from this type of zombie as well, so taking a ninja class and learning how to stealthily move about as to not draw attention to yourself is paramount to your survival.
So, lets talk about some of the common mistakes that get people killed during a Zombie Apocalypse. First, don't try to go find your loved ones. I know this might sound harsh, but if they're not dead that means they're smart. And if they're smart, then they sure as hell aren't waiting around in their house waiting for you to come rescue them. Instead, make a beeline for the nearest, unpopulated area. If you really love your loved ones, then you'll all decide in advance where that is and meet up there. Those that don't make it ... don't make it. Don't go looking for them. Stick to the plan. Get to Hawaii (or the Bahamas).
Choose silent weapons. A chainsaw makes a ton of noise and will draw more attention to you than you can handle. Guns also make a lot of noise, so avoid the temptation to go all Rambo on their asses. Pick a good, strong, decapitation worthy sword or axe. Archery is a great skill to keep them at bay (and as previously mentioned, if your girlfriend can hurl gasoline filled balloons at them, you can set your arrows on fire and slay them that way). However, an ordinary arrow won't put a zombie down, so you'll need a girlfriend. And if you're reading this, you probably don't have one. So go buy a sword.
Get to water. Don't barricade yourself in a old building with a ton of entrenches and try to "fight it out". You'll die. I don't care what level you made it to in MW World at War ... don't find a damn building. You need to get away from the cities and out onto the open ocean in order to reach a zombie free zone. At this point, you can fish for your food, make water traps for fresh water, and just wait out the event, or sail to more hospitable lands.
And finally ... if there is a really hot girl in your group of survivors ... kill her. She's the one thats going to scream and bring all the zombies down on you, or she'll try to save a puppy or some other cute animal, or she'll keep whining about going back to "save people" or about how hungry she is or .... well, just kill her. Its for your own survival.
I hope these tips on surviving the Zombie Apocalypse help you when the time comes. If you have any other suggestions, please feel free to add them in the comments below. We can never be ready enough.
See you in Hawaii.
Visit my blog!