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Short Story: Tommy the Drunk

Updated on November 25, 2010

Short Story: Tommy the Drunk

‘Run Tommy; keep on running you moron, don’t stop. It’ doesn’t matter that you’re out of breath, if you’re caught your dead meat. Who in the hell did you think you were back there Tommy? Bruce Lee! Jesus Christ when you woke up this morning did you think you would be some kind of hero today Tommy. Now look at you running like some stupid little rabbit for its burrow and for what, for some stupid cow in a short skirt, a hooker you daft bollix.

Grab that bin and drop it behind you. Don’t look back you idiot you'll lose speed, or fall over, or something dumb like that. Keep your eyes looking forward Tommy always in front of you do you comprehend amigo. One of them will most likely have a flick blade or a bat or some serious weapon ready to put you in A and E with.

Why in the hell did you not just leave that prostitute to take what she usually gets paid for every other night? You are a dumbass aren’t you? O’ god Tommy they're gaining fast on you. You've got to find an escape plan or you're going to end up in a worse place than accident and emergency, more than like the bloody mortuary you dumb kid.

Quick Tommy you have to think of an escape plan. Look for a fence you can jump over, a really high one, one that the stumpy thugs won't be able to climb. O’ crap here they are on your heels. Turn down this alley quick and evasive like. O’ god your hitting the galvanise fencing, you’ve after giving away your position you dumbass. If you die, I die the whole damn adventure over Tommy, Vamoose, gone forever, Although I might like that, no more me in this stupid mind, head or whatever you want to call this vessel on your shoulders.

O’ your caught, tagged my friend, your it Tommy boy. O’ god that one to the jaw must of hurt, no flick blade or bat yet Tommy you lucky boy. O' take it easy on him man. Tommy that kick to the ribs has got to hurt like hell. Come on Tommy you’re getting owned, retaliate, do something, don’t just lie there curled into a ball. That eye's going to show after that boot. Come on Tommy I'm starting to feel this. That’s it, crawl, now RUN.

We're away, keep going Tommy boy and don’t look back. Most likely the thugs got what they wanted, if ye get a hundred yards or more away from them your home free.

Just as I thought, you’re a lucky son of a gun baby, but that eye’s going to swell up bad. Wow wee slow down, phew that vision of yours isn’t so good is it. Pretty blurred hey. Its o.k. buddy your safe now. Relax; take some deep breaths boy, that wasn't too bad.

Phew Tommy maybe you are some kind of hero today after all. I can see the headlines now “A damsel in distress saved by a passing pedestrian”, that’s you, then the chase, that’s the action, then the confrontation, that was short and you were definitely no action hero, but you survived. And then the escape and you'll be proud, although you’re black and blue, the girl who you diverted them perverts from gets to keep her dignity, that’s if she isn’t a prostitute, because in that case she’s already f**ked, but you don't know that. In your mind she was a damsel in distress just like the ones in those fairy tales and hell if you see her again you’re definitely in there. Of course she'll remember you! Her hero, now go on ye gobshite and get some medical attention.


JESUS Tommy this place stinks, all these damn bums in here. This is no place for a hero like you Tommy. You deserve a throne to wait on, a good tall pint with a crisp white head to suck on, there should be nurses half naked swabbing your swollen eye and rubbing your bruised back for you. You should stand up and demand it Tommy, demand a nurse for all your needs. A massage for starters would be nice and then a little bit more if ye know what I mean.

Aw god that smell again, look down three rows, a stinking bums after pissing himself like an hour ago and every time some son of a gun pass’s them automatic sliding doors it rises up the smell in this underprivileged A and E. Come on Tommy you’re not that bad, let’s get the hell out of dodge city, like I told you before this is no place for a hero.

That’s much better out here in the fresh air. A bit of fresh air does the mind good Tommy, don't you think, better than suffocating in that sh*thole of an A and E any way. The only medicine you need is a nice crisp one in a nice bar. Now find a nice bar and tell your story. You never know you might be in for a bit of loving tonight. Go on you good thing.

Jesus Dublin gone to the dogs Tommy, what the hell are we doing here anyway? No place for a hero like you. Here seems like a good spot I reckon. They won’t mind the bleedin' head on you in here I suspect. Oh maybe they will, Jesus lads no need to get physical. Screw them bouncers Tommy, tell them you’re a hero and give them the fingers stupid bollixes. Size of them and I bet they have never saved a damsel in distress before. Take pride in that Tommy; take pride that you’re not like them arseholes.

Come on I'm getting a headache and I can barely see through your gammy eye, eight or ten pints should sort that out. I know ye have no money but for f**k sake you’re a hero.

Here we are Hanlons. They know you here; this will be the perfect spot for the story and won't be too packed. How are ye lads? Jaysus tell them Tommy quick before they fire you out of here as well. Phew lucky that, you got them on your side now by Jesus Tommy boy. Look the bartender is pulling ye a black one already. Aw good lord and on the house, nice one Tommy. Now get talking about how you became a good hero and earn more booze. A pint for the hero off as many as there is willing to listen.


Holy Jaysus Tommy you’re starting to get pissed now, keep the ole head together. The hero story is running thin on people’s patents now. You have dramatised it up a good bit now also. The barman has asked you to leave a few times and you have told him ye will a few times too, so come on leave the place a hero and not a blaggard.

Aw stop talking nonsense Tommy, please, I’m pleading with you now, she was not a princess with golden beautiful hair and you did not chase the thugs away and give each one of them a good hiding. Lord knows you’re the one looking the worse for wear. Come on your losing your dignity with each and every lie you spill from your swollen lying head you clown.

O’ lord I'm ashamed of you Tommy, come on they can't even understand you anymore so come on. You sound autistic, god bless you so come on.


Don’t forget your coat. Where the hell is it before you change your mind? The damned alcohol has gotten to me too and I'm your better judgement. Where the hell is it? Yes I remember over in the corner where you were telling those young women your story and they told you to piss of ye retard and then they said that your head looked like a boiled shite and your breath stinks. Go on; ask them for your jacket Tommy.

Ask them again they didn’t understand you, and again, yeah that’s your coat now thank them, now wave you drunken moron and don’t fall on them? Jaysus I had to end up in your dumb head didn’t I.

Right now hold onto the wall and make your way towards the door, that’s it you’re doing well. Totally blurred vision now out of both eyes so hand out now Tommy and push the door open. Wow somebody coming in hold the wall for your balance. Don't talk to her Tommy; O’ lord look at who it is, it just can't be. She’s saying something to you Tommy, it is definitely her, the girl you rescued. I can’t see her clearly Tommy.

Everybody’s laughing now, what is this place? The joke club! That’s what this place should be called. Why didn’t you just go bloody home, walk straight by her and just go home? Her pimp went and bought you a pint, one too many and to make things worse you have now ended up getting sick all over the bar and on top of one of the young women who was ordering a pint. You should have gone home half an hour ago and saved yourself from this embarrassment.

The pimp and the prostitute have announced that you did in fact stop the skanky whore from getting ruffed up over been a smart mouthed cow with some clients and also they have confirmed that the picture you painted is far from the truth, not that anyone believed you anyway Tommy, but still If you had of left an hour and a half ago you would be still some kind a hero, no one here would of been any of the wiser. Not even yourself dumbass.’


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