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Twilight: Breaking Wind

Updated on May 5, 2015

Twatlight: Breaking Wind OR The Lone wolf, the Closeted and the Black plague


Bella Swine is torn between choosing Edward The Sullen and Jacob Son of Bleak. Edward won’t choose Bella as he wants to protect her from his vampire self. But really his ulterior motive is to join the Army so that he can be open with his new found passion. His belief is that all people in the U.S. Army are _ _ _ and everyone who joins the U.S. Army is _ _ _ .

Jacob on the other hand, bound to the ways of nature, would mount anything that moves caus it’s mating season couz, and he doesn’t want to be the lone wolf in his cult.

Scene 1

Bella is going to jump off a cliff in order to bring Edward back. She reaches the top of the hill
intoxicated while singing an Native American song that she finds catchy. Meanwhile in Vulturee, Edward The Sullen is gluing glitter on his body. Edward, having been flung off from his daily routine of pointless indulgence in grooming of the male body, does come back to the rescue of Bella only to find Jacob there as well.

I know that you can see me you white heathen of a blood sucker. Come back to me or I will jump.

No don’t Bella, I love you.

Stay away from me, pig. I am very much aware that its mating season for the wolves.

Jacob: I am more of a dog Bella Swine. And I cant help it Bella, you are giving off pheromones.

Its not hormones you hack. I am blind drunk.

Jacob: Well I lost my sense of smell and some other body parts when I started doing steroids.

Bella: So is that it ? You just want me for my looks, right ??

Wrong Bella. I love you with all my heart.

A girl from the EPA passes by holding a sign “No killing were wolves". Apparently they have been deemed a protected species under The Mythological Beasts Act 2012” Bella rolled her eyes.

Bella: That’s what happens when Obamas in power.

Jacob howls at the EPA girl.

Bella : Jacob!!!

Jacob: Sister please. Only one and a quarter months left before the apocalypse.

Bella: Please. We are nearing December, nothing has happened and nothings going to happen to the world. The Myans were half naked idiots.

Scene 2

Edward trots towards the duo, as fast as his barely usable water filled legs could carry him. He has become quite portly from being in Italia all this time having indulged himself on the nutrients rich blood of the priests from the Vatican. He clutches at his chest and falls to the ground, as he suffers a minor heart attack.

Bella: Sullen !! Don’t you be dying on me. You promised me that we will go off sucking the blood of new born babies once I become a vampire.

Jacob jumps and down with excitement as he gets to practice his pseudo Indian medicine

Jacob: The situation calls for a stud, who knows Native Americas’ less than legitimate healing
rituals. Oh spirits give me powers. Oh ancestors give me strength.

He goes on to practice his newly, seemingly, acquired powers on Edward, while humming, nothing happens.

May be its time for us to accept modern medicine as legitimate ?
Then he proceeds to do CPR on him and Edward comes to. Edward shrugs him off.

Edward:Hey hey, whats the big idea pal ? Stop smooching me. Get off me you savage.

Jacob: Hey that’s racist.

Edward: Hey I was born in a time when they still didn’t free the slaves and when killing Indians were a common pass time.

Edward: Bella I have come to save you. Don’t choose the man high on shark testosterone.

Bella: Oh Edward I love you too. Don’t worry I am an insecured, soul-less teenager, whos a sucker for vampires. Sullen, why are you getting black ?? What happened to your face ??

Edward hurriedly checks his face on his makeup kit.

Oh God, No God. I am getting black all over again. This cant be happening. This is not real.

Edward goes on to dab powder on his nose and face to hide the black spots, that appeared sporadically, in patches, all over his face.

Yuck dude. What happened ?? Did you happened to have caught the black plague ??


No you idiot, no ones that white. Do you know how hard it is to maintain such whiteness with the ozone layer being depleted and what not. You have to always be in makeup and srub your skin with a dish scrubber.

Denial. Its definitely a case of the black plague. Bella Swine marry me. If we have a girl we will call her Queen Latifah. And if we have a boy we will call him Snoop Dog. What the heck ?? We will have a litter and name them after US rap stars.

Bella: Ewww. I don’t wanna get that serious. And FYI you have fur but Sullen (with a flick of the arm and a snap of her fingers) has glitter.

Edward: I do, don’t I ? But I cant be with you Bella Swine for I want to be in the Army. For I need to be myself. And people joining the US Army are all _ _ _.

Bella: OOOh OOOh. I know this one. How many words ??

Edward: Ummm. Its just one, just the one.

Bella: Fearless ??

Edward: No

Bella: Chivalrous ??

Edward: Again. No.

Bella: Hunks ??

Edward: Ummm. No. Well, yeaahhhhhh (with a perverted smile and a distant look in his eyes).But this is besides the point. I need to protect you. I am not the only sucker whos a sucker for your blood. Others of my clan, wants to wet their beaks as well.

Bella: No. I wanna be a vampire. I wanna I wanna I wanna.

Edward hits Bella with his walking stick.

Edward: You will listen to me you precocious little bitch. Why I am even older than your father.

Bella: No Sullen, I love you. I love your glitter. I want to be a soul sucking vampire for you. I will------------------- Oh God it hurts.

Bella clutches her stomach and collapses to the ground and then suddenly an unholy boom is heard emanating from her.

Jacob: Did you just fart Swine ??

Edward: Oh my goodness. I believe she did. Goodness gracious, hold your breathe dog, otherwise you will be able to taste it too.

Jacob: Awwww. Too late mate. Too late.

Oh my word my eyes are watering. Bella you are the worst. Last week we took a picture together at the carny and she wont even smile. Its like her face is paralysed like Stalone.

Bella: I am sick Sullen. Please bite me before its too late.

Jacob: Bella. Why is your fart taking a black color ??

You're sick and your fart is black. Hhmmmm. You are the black plague, so I got it from you ?? Its because of you I cant be my white self any longer. Its because of you I am looking like a Bangali ?? Is that why you wanted me so badly ??

Black plague. A vampires only kryptonite. I told you Bella not to eat that rat at the carny. Its one thing being as morbid looking as a witch and another trying to actually be one.

You don’t get it point dexter. Vampires cannot generally die in the run of the mill of scenarios consisting, knives, bullets, hand grenades or even a stake through the heart . But I believe being inside her joyless body the black plague grew even more potent. Its gonna kill us all. You are gonna turn black as well.

With that both Edward and Jacob turned pitch black, from head to toe, inclusive of glitter, freckles and steroid laced nipples and thereafter died an agonizing death vide courtesy of the black plague. Bella casually hovered over their body, flicking her hair in the most cliched, high-school teenager kind of way, thinking------

Bella: What I am going to do when theres no Edward and Jacob to satiate my selfish, childish purposes. Oh!! There goes a 41 year old married man. And since I am not dead and hes a rich director I will go and ruin his life.

Your Earnest Review

In your opinion, could a small short be made out of this script ?

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© 2015 Saif Bhuiyan


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