My Twenties Were an Ugly & Beautiful Blur
My twenties were a blur and before I knew it they were over. It's funny because when you're in your teens you can't wait to be in your twenties and to finally live with no rules and no boundaries. By the time you hit them you are so confused with everything and everyone around you that you wish you had the ignorance of youth and innocence. Not that you're not ignorant in your twenties. I was so ignorant. I kept people around me that I shouldn't have. Dated people I shouldn't have. Loved and lost and it seems that the time just slipped past my fingers.
I remember looking in the mirror and wanting so much. Wanting to taste it so badly and at the same time not knowing how to attain it. Wanting it so bad and making it a part of me. I had big dreams. Using the beauty of youth and looks to be a model (which though I never tried) wanting to use any of my talents to be famous in any way possible. It didn't work out that way. Every day there was something new to discover. Most of the time I was just finding myself. Wanting these friends because they knew all the great parties and all the cool places to go even though they weren't the best friends that you could have. It was frustrating having all these dreams and trying to attain them at a slow pace and eventually not getting any of them at all.
So using what I loved to take me away from all the pain that I was encountering by using something that brought me more pain. My relationships. Drawn out - loved to the point of no return. Worn out by love. My energy just wanting something out of them. Not getting what I wanted in return. It is hard to be around people who don't love you enough. Don't love you with the passion and intensity that you dream of being loved.
I was too naive to see it back then. I thought things would stay the same forever. Having the same people around. Some stayed, but I don't know if all that stayed were really worth it. It seemed that they had an agenda. Some were jealous or spiteful and hateful people for whatever reasons. I found out that I had an inner strength that nobody could break - that I eventually found out that I think had saved me. There were people who were always trying to tear me down. They loved to tear everybody down. That was when I said goodbye to them, even though it took awhile.
I tried ever which way I could go to find what I wanted and needed. Sometimes my fear stopped me though. It still does at times. I have some fear that is very dark that had built and stuffed itself deep down inside. A little vulnerable spot of the unknown that I can't penetrate and release completely yet. Where did it come from? I don't know. I am still trying to find that out along with my sensitivity.
I wanted to be loved in my twenties. Always wanting more love, but the world doesn't work that way all the time. No matter what you try and focus on as the law of attraction says... or maybe I didn't know how to use the law of attraction yet. It seemed that there was never enough love around for me. What I really needed was to love myself.
I am glad I can release these emotions in writing. It can be hard to go back at times. Hard to feel all of the emotions. There were a lot of people full of hate in my past. I never understood why they had so much hate. It almost radiated off of them when they didn't try to cover it. They wanted all of this power. I had a lot of people who now I know where the ones sucking energy out of me. Maybe if I let them go sooner I would be somewhere else now. It's funny how when you are a kid you think everyone has pure intentions is good and giving and is seeing you for you and then everything changes.
You get to a certain age and you realize that things aren't as they seem. I saw this pretty early and couldn't undertand how life was and how people were. It was so unhumane to me. But, I guess that is life. I couldn't accept it at first and it made me very sad that this was reality. I loved the idea of unity and harmony. That we were all connected. People aren't though. Not all of them. A lot aren't connected and supportive of one another. Instead they break each other down. Some feed of off bad situations. I had so many of those people around me in my twenties that I lost myself for awhile in the midst of my twenties. That was the blur that I am talking about.
People can be dangerous for many reasons. You can lose yourself in relationships. Lose yourself in others realities. Then you can sit there questioning yourself if you don't have a strong foundation inside and are trying to find yourself. One of my friends told me that people really can make or break you if you let them. That the people you should surround yourself with have to love, nurture, and support you. If they don't, cut them out. I think that is so true.
When I sit back and think of my twenties I think of how things would've been if I knew what I know now. If I had the strength and power that I feel I have within myself now. If I didn't do so much self loathing for whatever reason thinking someone else will make me happy because that is never the case. Then I think of all the time wasted... and then I stop myself from thinking that way. Because it was a learning experience. I wouldn't be the woman I am now if not for the confused girl I was before. I am proud of who I have become and nobody can break me anymore. And the self love that I have attained from all of the pain and suffering is what I needed, what we all need all along.