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Twilight Lawns plc: Complaints and Concerns regarding a missing Resident
Twilight Lawns: Our little taste of Paradise on Earth
This notice has recently been found tacked up on lampposts, trees and bus shelters in Norbury-sur-Mer and Saint Reatham, Surrey.
Dear Mr Quentin Oulde-ffarte,
Lillian was complaining that she hasn't seen you around lately.
Mrs Parker-Browne was complaining that she wanted your help with her Pump Organ, as her Chronic Flatulence has returned and she needs you. Pushing that pump organ may be fun, but it takes it out of the Old Dear.
Sergei Yakwitch was complaining that his Balalaika Ensemble needs a new set of Ukrainian Folk Songs, Chants & Dances and you seem to be the only one who knows them all. Could you please return his sheet music?
The Little Sisters of Selective Charity are bereft without you.
Sister Agnes was complaining that after she was involved with Tom Mould and Betty the Sheep in the incident in the London taxi, she can't get you out of her mind.
Sister Mary Perpetua from Saint Benedict's, Streatham Hill, (AKA) Sister Mary Perpetua of The Little Sisters of Selective Charity, Streatham Hill, wonders where you have been and was complaining that she didn't know where to look for you.
East Sussex seems empty without you.
The East Sussex Morris Dancers in conjunction with the East Sussex Salvation Army Choir and Brass Band and Tambourine Ensemble, the Vergers and Flower Arranging Committee of the Parish Church of Saint Ignatius the Confused, Battle, would like to invite you to their Harvest Supper next year so long as you don't bring that gang of Pakis with you.
The Women's Institute (East Sussex) and Salvation Army Ladies Troupe, East Sussex, were complaining that your table manners were deplorable and that they never want to see them or you at their harvest Supper next year, or ever again… something to do with that gang of Pakis you brought with you last year.
Clytemnestra & Agamemnon Sproggit were complaining and were complaining and were complaining that they haven't seen you since you stayed at ‘Dun Roamin’, Guest House with them last year. They asked if you had accidentally packed their second best enuretic sheet in your luggage when you left.
Raj the Gardener's Dad was complaining that he lent Raj his Sitar once in early 2005, and that you were a witness, so could you pop around to Paki Villas, Saint Reatham, this evening because he also has one or two things to say to you concerning his son Raj, and his son Jamal, and his nephew Samir and his son Achmed….
His daughter Fatima asks why she hasn't been mentioned and was complaining that you seem to like her brothers more than you like her or her eight sisters. She and the other girls have asked if you would like a plate of your favourite Murgh Biryani and Samosas when you arrive.
Cecilia was complaining that she has nothing to complain about.
Cissie was complaining that there is no alcohol when you are around.
Elspeth was complaining that you were involved when she was trussed up like a turkey, but also thought you had lived rough with her for a while in the Grotto of the two Thousand Virgins of Cracow. So she forgives you for the incident last Christmas.
Eulalia Hawkins (Mrs) was complaining that Large Jamaican Ladies are not your cup of tea.
Hermione, Hilda, Maude and Emily were complaining that the alcohol in your cupboard has been substituted for Sennacot Syrup.
Beatrice Orme-Wilde and Maude setting out for the Reading Rock Festival
We are assuming that Beatrice Orme-Wilde would have been complaining that she hasn't seen you but she is still missing at the Reading Rock Festival.
H.R.H. Princess Alice of Schleswig-Philistine von Gotha und Hans-Knees-und-Bumsen-Daisy Und-So-Weiter was complaining that she can't remember who you are; or indeed, who she is.
Nurse C (Clingfilm) Kelly was complaining that you seem to be in the queue every time she gives her Tuesday enemas.
Fun is fun, Mr Oulde-ffarte, but you tend to take your fun to a hedonistic degree.
“Put up the seat or learn to aim, Mr Oulde-ffarte”
Cook was complaining that her Harley Davison Motorcycle, which had been parked in the passageway outside her kitchen for years and years, is now parked outside the 'Pakis R Us Innit' kitchen at their Takeaway in Halstead, Essex… very near where you have been visiting friends.
Matron (Mrs Hilda Plantagenet-Featheringstonehaugh) was complaining that you don't put up the seat when you use the lavatory. “Put up the seat or learn to aim, Mr Oulde-ffarte” were her final words on the subject.
Brenda Bagwash has complained quite heatedly that when you were last at the ‘Duck and Dike’ public house in Cornwall on the Twilight Lawns Art Appreciation holiday organised by Dear Lettice, that you had a small bet that you could drink her under the table and that after only five pints of local Scrumpy you succumbed and yet you have not come good with the 7/6 bet you had with her. One feels that this gambling debt has carried on for quite a while, but a bet is a bet (especially with our Brenda).
Lettice Rogers-Allbody was complaining that you haven’t been back to the Art Appreciation Lectures that she was running at “The Lawns”. She begs you to return, and mentions that when you do, could you or would you try to remember that Dear Little Angie lent you her Aquarelles and there was a lovely shade of David Cameron Blue that appears to be missing.
Nurse Smythe was complaining. Well, she would, wouldn’t she?
Raj the Gardener's Lad was complaining that you keep ringing him on his Mobile Phone, Raj (Temporary Head Gardener), says he would like to see you in private, but not when his Dad is around… or Sharon.
Tom Mould was complaining that since living in Northumbria with his Aunt after the incident with Betty the sheep, he misses your cheerful face across the breakfast table in the mornings.
The Reverend Hugh Halitosis of the Parish Church of Saint Jude's, C of E, Streatham, known locally as “Saint I'm-All-Right-Jack-on-the-Common” was complaining that you took his toothbrush when you went to stay with him in 2004 and could he have it back, please.
The Little Sisters of Selective Charity, Saint Benedict's, Streatham Hill were complaining that you have not been seen at Mass since Little Bertram Boyle, the new choirboy, stood up in church during the Mass and said that you were his favourite uncle…"Uncle Mars Bars" he called you.
Archbishop Setrag and Father Hayastan were heard to complain that you hadn’t been seen at Eucharist at Saint Setrag’s for several weeks. They wanted to know if it was something they said.
Missing you sorely, all of us at Twilight Lawns plc
We are all complaining that, although we have searched at (and in) ‘Dun Roamin’, Guest House, Battle, West Sussex, the Parish Church of Saint Ignatius the Confused, Battle,The Princess Margaret Rose Cocktail Bar & Lounge,The Queen Alexandra Day Drawing Room and all of Twilight Lawns, Residential Home for Distressed Gentlefolk, Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, you appear to have fallen off the edge of the world.
Please get back to us and or at least let us know that you are all right.
Missing you sorely, all of us at Twilight Lawns plc