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Twilight Lawns plc: Complaints and Concerns regarding a missing Resident

Updated on September 13, 2013

Twilight Lawns: Our little taste of Paradise on Earth

This notice has recently been found tacked up on lampposts, trees and bus shelters in Norbury-sur-Mer and Saint Reatham, Surrey.

Dear Mr Quentin Oulde-ffarte,

Lillian was complaining that she hasn't seen you around lately.

Mrs Parker-Browne was complaining that she wanted your help with her Pump Organ, as her Chronic Flatulence has returned and she needs you. Pushing that pump organ may be fun, but it takes it out of the Old Dear.

Sergei Yakwitch was complaining that his Balalaika Ensemble needs a new set of Ukrainian Folk Songs, Chants & Dances and you seem to be the only one who knows them all. Could you please return his sheet music?

The Little Sisters of Selective Charity are bereft without you.

Sister Agnes was complaining that after she was involved with Tom Mould and Betty the Sheep in the incident in the London taxi, she can't get you out of her mind.

Sister Mary Perpetua from Saint Benedict's, Streatham Hill, (AKA) Sister Mary Perpetua of The Little Sisters of Selective Charity, Streatham Hill, wonders where you have been and was complaining that she didn't know where to look for you.

East Sussex seems empty without you.

The East Sussex Morris Dancers in conjunction with the East Sussex Salvation Army Choir and Brass Band and Tambourine Ensemble, the Vergers and Flower Arranging Committee of the Parish Church of Saint Ignatius the Confused, Battle, would like to invite you to their Harvest Supper next year so long as you don't bring that gang of Pakis with you.

The Women's Institute (East Sussex) and Salvation Army Ladies Troupe, East Sussex, were complaining that your table manners were deplorable and that they never want to see them or you at their harvest Supper next year, or ever again… something to do with that gang of Pakis you brought with you last year.


Clytemnestra & Agamemnon Sproggit were complaining and were complaining and were complaining that they haven't seen you since you stayed at ‘Dun Roamin’, Guest House with them last year. They asked if you had accidentally packed their second best enuretic sheet in your luggage when you left.

Raj the Gardener's Dad was complaining that he lent Raj his Sitar once in early 2005, and that you were a witness, so could you pop around to Paki Villas, Saint Reatham, this evening because he also has one or two things to say to you concerning his son Raj, and his son Jamal, and his nephew Samir and his son Achmed….

His daughter Fatima asks why she hasn't been mentioned and was complaining that you seem to like her brothers more than you like her or her eight sisters. She and the other girls have asked if you would like a plate of your favourite Murgh Biryani and Samosas when you arrive.


Cecilia was complaining that she has nothing to complain about.

Cissie was complaining that there is no alcohol when you are around.

Elspeth was complaining that you were involved when she was trussed up like a turkey, but also thought you had lived rough with her for a while in the Grotto of the two Thousand Virgins of Cracow. So she forgives you for the incident last Christmas.

Eulalia Hawkins (Mrs) was complaining that Large Jamaican Ladies are not your cup of tea.

Hermione, Hilda, Maude and Emily were complaining that the alcohol in your cupboard has been substituted for Sennacot Syrup.

Beatrice Orme-Wilde and Maude setting out for the Reading Rock Festival




We are assuming that Beatrice Orme-Wilde would have been complaining that she hasn't seen you but she is still missing at the Reading Rock Festival.



H.R.H. Princess Alice of Schleswig-Philistine von Gotha und Hans-Knees-und-Bumsen-Daisy Und-So-Weiter was complaining that she can't remember who you are; or indeed, who she is.


Nurse C (Clingfilm) Kelly was complaining that you seem to be in the queue every time she gives her Tuesday enemas.

Fun is fun, Mr Oulde-ffarte, but you tend to take your fun to a hedonistic degree.

Cook

“Put up the seat or learn to aim, Mr Oulde-ffarte”



Cook was complaining that her Harley Davison Motorcycle, which had been parked in the passageway outside her kitchen for years and years, is now parked outside the 'Pakis R Us Innit' kitchen at their Takeaway in Halstead, Essex… very near where you have been visiting friends.


Matron (Mrs Hilda Plantagenet-Featheringstonehaugh) was complaining that you don't put up the seat when you use the lavatory. “Put up the seat or learn to aim, Mr Oulde-ffarte” were her final words on the subject.




Brenda Bagwash has complained quite heatedly that when you were last at the ‘Duck and Dike’ public house in Cornwall on the Twilight Lawns Art Appreciation holiday organised by Dear Lettice, that you had a small bet that you could drink her under the table and that after only five pints of local Scrumpy you succumbed and yet you have not come good with the 7/6 bet you had with her. One feels that this gambling debt has carried on for quite a while, but a bet is a bet (especially with our Brenda).

Lettice Rogers-Allbody was complaining that you haven’t been back to the Art Appreciation Lectures that she was running at “The Lawns”. She begs you to return, and mentions that when you do, could you or would you try to remember that Dear Little Angie lent you her Aquarelles and there was a lovely shade of David Cameron Blue that appears to be missing.

Nurse Smythe was complaining. Well, she would, wouldn’t she?

Raj the Gardener's Lad was complaining that you keep ringing him on his Mobile Phone, Raj (Temporary Head Gardener), says he would like to see you in private, but not when his Dad is around… or Sharon.


Tom Mould was complaining that since living in Northumbria with his Aunt after the incident with Betty the sheep, he misses your cheerful face across the breakfast table in the mornings.


The Reverend Hugh Halitosis of the Parish Church of Saint Jude's, C of E, Streatham, known locally as “Saint I'm-All-Right-Jack-on-the-Common” was complaining that you took his toothbrush when you went to stay with him in 2004 and could he have it back, please.


The Little Sisters of Selective Charity, Saint Benedict's, Streatham Hill were complaining that you have not been seen at Mass since Little Bertram Boyle, the new choirboy, stood up in church during the Mass and said that you were his favourite uncle…"Uncle Mars Bars" he called you.



Archbishop Setrag and Father Hayastan were heard to complain that you hadn’t been seen at Eucharist at Saint Setrag’s for several weeks. They wanted to know if it was something they said.



Missing you sorely, all of us at Twilight Lawns plc

We are all complaining that, although we have searched at (and in) ‘Dun Roamin’, Guest House, Battle, West Sussex, the Parish Church of Saint Ignatius the Confused, Battle,The Princess Margaret Rose Cocktail Bar & Lounge,The Queen Alexandra Day Drawing Room and all of Twilight Lawns, Residential Home for Distressed Gentlefolk, Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, you appear to have fallen off the edge of the world.

Please get back to us and or at least let us know that you are all right.

Missing you sorely, all of us at Twilight Lawns plc

x

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    • Twilight Lawns profile image
      Author

      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      I am the slowest writer in the world, Thomas, and as a result, I have not put anything onto HP since the end of January (I said that, didn't I?).

      I have been writing a novel... a sort of lot of words going nowhere in particular which I am loving. But it's taking me forever to get together.

      I put a small section of it on HP a couple of days ago, just to test the water, so if you fancy having a snoop around, please don't be disappointed if there aren't any sheep (well there is one, later on) or London Taxis or Nuns (with good or bad habits - I couldn't resist it) or Pakis.

      But there are a few Jews, Muslims and Christians.

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile image

      ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada

      Ian,

      Ahhh...who hasn't been 86'd from an event because of an unruly Pakis posse?? I'm left with (an unhealthy) desire to know what went down in that taxi with Tom Mould, Betty the sheep, Quentin, and Sister Agnes. In fact, I really need some details....

      lol...awesome job here good sir! Keep up the great work!

      (understanding that this was actually 'kept up' seven months ago...sooooo...you are already keeping up with the good work)

      Thomas

    • Twilight Lawns profile image
      Author

      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      Mike, that really made me laugh. Thank you.

      Have you been reading my manuscript? It is true about the Bruce Willis scene. I can't really get his grunts quite right.

      The car chase is coming on well, and the Bollywood sequence is amazing.

      But those Indians and Pakis take a lot of feeding. I wish I could do with a couple of plates of biryani and a Chicken Tikka Masala, what that Jesus bloke managed when he fed all those extras.

      Perhaps I just don't know the right people... err... People (with a capital P)

      Sunnie has sort of persuaded me to publish one or two of my Twilight Lawns stories on Kindle. Not because I want to be mega rich, but because I am getting a little bored with HP.

      So I might be grovelling to you and asking how to do a front cover.

      (Smilies winningly!)

    • mckbirdbks profile image

      mckbirdbks 5 years ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      Hello Ian. You have abandoned us for your novel. How is that coming along. Last I heard it was two thirds finished and you were polishing up the Bruce Willis character's part and the chase scence wasn't quite right. Hope all is well.

    • Twilight Lawns profile image
      Author

      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      I have spent half my evening reading the comments to this hub. Just in case any one of you happens to see this reply from me, thank you so much. It ended a bugger of a day so nicely and now it's one in the morning and I'm going to bed laughing and smiling

      Thank you

      Ian

    • Twilight Lawns profile image
      Author

      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      Hi, Mike, That's right, I'm a manipulative Old Bugger. It's amazing how the line between Quentin Oulde-ffarte and myself has become blurred.

      I'm beginning to wonder if I'm his alter ego or he's my doppelganger. But while I'm getting all the offers, I'll just sit tight (or lie down) and let nature take its course.

      Thanks for the visit.

      By the way, there might be some baby oil left over if you have a couple of hours to spare. I don't mind them practising on you, just so they get it right when they get to me.

    • mckbirdbks profile image

      mckbirdbks 5 years ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      Let me see if I have this straight. You write a hub about complaining. And now half the planet has lined up pushing and shoving to offer sponge baths. You clever Oulde-ffarte.

      Loo - don't you have a back door?

    • Twilight Lawns profile image
      Author

      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      No, my friend, it wan't random. I was worthy!!!

    • snakeslane profile image

      Verlie Burroughs 5 years ago from Canada

      Need a smile button here! I honestly did not think of it as recognition. I thought it was just a random draw of each days contest entries. Hmmm, got me thinking. But my brain is Hubbed out.

    • Twilight Lawns profile image
      Author

      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      Disappointed? No way. I am thrilled.

      I see that a really good friend and talented writer has been recognised for her work with the written word and for some lovely photographs.

      Congratulations, I am proud to call you friend.

      Ian

      x

    • snakeslane profile image

      Verlie Burroughs 5 years ago from Canada

      You won't be disappointed.

    • Twilight Lawns profile image
      Author

      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      Thank you. And I'm only congratulating them if they wrote good stuff!!!

      here I go.

    • snakeslane profile image

      Verlie Burroughs 5 years ago from Canada

    • Twilight Lawns profile image
      Author

      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      How do I find out who the winners are?

      I seldom get notified about anything on HP.

    • snakeslane profile image

      Verlie Burroughs 5 years ago from Canada

      Been busy congratulating all the contest winners.

    • snakeslane profile image

      Verlie Burroughs 5 years ago from Canada

      Anyway, happy you've had a nice day.

    • snakeslane profile image

      Verlie Burroughs 5 years ago from Canada

      United Empire loyalists.

    • snakeslane profile image

      Verlie Burroughs 5 years ago from Canada

      Upper Canada was a carry over of that kind of snobbery.

    • Twilight Lawns profile image
      Author

      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      Don't worry, I don't use it... unless i want to get my own way, and then it works wonders. People are such snobs about names in this country.

      That's why I like sending up selfishness and snobbery in Twilight Lawns plc. Where else would one find the owner/matron of a retirement home in Norbury-sur-Mer. Surrey, called Mrs Hilda Plantagenet-Featheringstonehaugh than in Goode Olde Englande???

    • snakeslane profile image

      Verlie Burroughs 5 years ago from Canada

      Wow, that's quite a handle!

    • Twilight Lawns profile image
      Author

      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      Long funny names, snakeslane? By a misadventure, when I was baptised, I was inadvertently given the Christian names, Ian Hugh Dorking, but my surname is Dorking-Clark, so that makes me Ian Hugh Dorking Dorking-Clark, but as I embraced Islam several years ago, and took the name of Andul Haq, my names now is...

      Oh forget, it... I'm just me. Ha ha!

    • snakeslane profile image

      Verlie Burroughs 5 years ago from Canada

      oh you're welcome, some similarities with what you are doing. Mostly in the satire and the long funny names.

    • snakeslane profile image

      Verlie Burroughs 5 years ago from Canada

      I'm listening to a story now from CBC radio. There's three stories in a series, but not sure if that link will get you there.

    • snakeslane profile image

      Verlie Burroughs 5 years ago from Canada

      oops maybe not, sorry

    • snakeslane profile image

      Verlie Burroughs 5 years ago from Canada

      www.sffaudio.com/?p=32048 - Cached

      try this link

    • Twilight Lawns profile image
      Author

      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      Snakeslane, after what I have read and had recommended, by you and having read Nellieanna's quotes and remembering what someone else (I can't remember who) suggested, I am going to have a delve.

      Thank you.

    • Twilight Lawns profile image
      Author

      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      Nellie, I HAVE heard of Leacock and had him recommended before and I hang my head in shame when I am forced to admit that I didn't get around to reading him. I love the quotes you have posted... I love epigrams and I think these are (whatever epigrams might mean) and I do not mean a hyperbolically enthusiastic Hubber! Ha ha!!)

    • snakeslane profile image

      Verlie Burroughs 5 years ago from Canada

      Hi Twilight Lawns, I should come over there and read you a story hahaha!

    • Twilight Lawns profile image
      Author

      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      Hi, Snakeslane. Yes, I have heard of Stephen Leacock, but have not read him.

      All who know me well with tell you that I am an Oik and haven't read much. This is partly due to the fact that I am an incredibly slow reader, and partly due to the fact that I have the reading and attention span of a fairly well educated goldfish.

      They tried to learn me to read and write and do sums and stuff, but I faked it... I didn't cheat, I just faked it!

    • Twilight Lawns profile image
      Author

      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      OK, Girls. I'm back in harness. Annie has just gone. Tina and Roshan came to have a meal here this evening, so Babar made an amazing curry out of bits left over from the last meal we had together on Wednesday evening plus some rice which was superb. We talked and talked and I actually held the floor and showed off for a while and we ended with a Cawa (Tea originating in Peshawar at the Cawa Street of Story Tellers, and then Roshan and Tina took Annie home with the, so that they could take her to the airport tomorrow morning on the next step of her journey to America (!)

    • snakeslane profile image

      Verlie Burroughs 5 years ago from Canada

      Oh Nellieanna, you are so quick on the draw! You got me laughing first thing this morning, thanks for the quotes!

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 5 years ago from TEXAS

      Ah, snakeslane, one must be wary of squirrels, French students AND snooty sheep!

      I hadn't heard of Stephen Leacock but thank you for the recommendation. I looked him up and found such wry wit - & some delightful of his quotes:

      "He flung himself from the room, flung himself upon his horse and rode madly off in all directions. " ____Stephen Leacock

      "Each section of the British Isles has its own way of laughing, except Wales, which doesn't." ____Stephen Leacock

      "Writing is no trouble: you just jot down ideas as they occur to you. The jotting is simplicity itself - it is the occurring which is difficult." ____Stephen Leacock

      "Personally, I would sooner have written Alice in Wonderland than the whole Encyclopedia Britannica." ____Stephen Leacock

    • snakeslane profile image

      Verlie Burroughs 5 years ago from Canada

      Hi Mr. Lawns, been thinking about you and your wonderful Twilight Lawns farce. You remind me so much of the early Canadian humorist Stephen Leacock, I studied him a bit and actually attempted a radio play of one of his short stories 'The Yahi Bahi Society'. Are you familiar with him at all?

      Hi Nellieanna, sorry, saw you there, so nice to see you, just wanted to get this Stephen Leacock connection down while thinking about it, now back to squirrels and French students...

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 5 years ago from TEXAS

      Oh, I couldn't do that to the little critters, Becky. Or even to French students, Ian. (besides I know no French students! Where does one find them? In France? :-)

      But I'm too soft-hearted. And what if one of the little rodents (squirrels, that is) is the little fellow I sort of helped rescue when it was a baby and fell out of the tree? (If you haven't read my "Squirrelly or Just Plain Paranoid" hub, you don't know about all that. hehe.)

      Actually, since they seem more friends with me, I've heard very few of them in the attic, so that's another consideration. The water gun might rile them and they'd get back up there out of spite. I know the little critters scheme and plot. If they're in the yard teasing me, I can keep an eye on 'em.

    • Becky Katz profile image

      Becky Katz 5 years ago from Hereford, AZ

      LOL, I am laughing like a loon here.

    • Twilight Lawns profile image
      Author

      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      Water cannon. Yay!

      Treat the buggers like French students.

    • Becky Katz profile image

      Becky Katz 5 years ago from Hereford, AZ

      Get a water gun Nellie. One of the big ones. Shoot a good stream at the squirrels and they will pay attention to you again. My cat sure does. I no longer have to yell at her as she is stalking the gerbils.

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 5 years ago from TEXAS

      Oh, dear. Your barrage of bad stuff has obscured the fact that I use 'sheepy' as an adjective, not a noun, much less a PROPER noun! Oh dear. Now I am concerned!

      Of course the personal sheep in the dialog has a proper name of her own: Betty! Betty would never sit still for being referred to as 'sheepy', spoiled as she is, not only by Tom Mould when he was around, but by all the attention she gets from the HP gang. I'm not sure if she's fully appreciated by the rank and file of the Lawns residents as the classy person she is, but she's surely not neglected. Probably gets a lavender-scented bubble bath regularly, in fact. Those fastidious folks would never allow her to smell sheepy, nor would she like it - unless a handsome ram ®ambled by and failed to catch her own disguised real scent. Lavender wouldn't do it for him, probably. But that's OK. She's already past lamb-bearing age. Tom probably acquired her when she was but a lamb herself and the new life surely would have disturbed her natural inclinations. She has pictures of him in her own little fold; no sheep family portraits at all.

      Now she expects bubble baths and champagne - and usually gets them, or so I've heard. I think there was a BBC piece about her.

      Oh, yes, m'dear, I've had those days but I make it a point to slam the door on them the moment they start creeping in, though some are simply more vigorous and harder to deter. Then I have to beat them around the head and shoulders and send them limping on their un-merry ways. Sounds as though you've had some of those types sneak in of late. Get a broom and chase'm off. Scream all you want at those blues! They won't hang around when they see you armed with the broom and refusing them your company. I scream at my squirrels in the attic and it always at least shushes them! And it satisfied my need to scream at something on occasion.

      Speaking of the squirrels, they've become so accustomed to my voice they only pause briefly when I come to the patio door when they're right outside it and shout "rascal" at them. They give me a studious glance and resume eating. I went up to the door yesterday holding my coffee cup up with both hands and the little rascal stopped eating, arose on his hind legs and put his two front paws together in the same position, staring back at me as though to greet me on my own terms. I think he was muttering "rascalette" under his breath.

      I also notice that they think it's a spring day today. Everywhere I look I see two of them chasing each other - up trees, across the neighbors' roofs, up and down the fence - everywhere - not the same couple, either - it seems to be real squirrel Spring Fever season! Now I suppose they'll be having their babies in my attic! Oh, woe. (Unless the raccoon has scared them out of there!)

      So, my dear Ian, my panache has long ago escaped. You may have to settle for funny instead. ;-)

      But - - but - - Becky, Becky! I'm innocent. Innocent, I tell you!

    • Twilight Lawns profile image
      Author

      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      Nellie, you have a wicked sense of humour. And a sense of humour is what I have needed so much today. Thank God you are around. Do you ever have days when every little thing has gone mildly, and relatively unimportantly wrong, and you know it's pointless screaming at everyone and everything?

      It's been one of those days, my friend.

      And you are so right, Becky, my friend, Nellieanna is incorrigible... and I think that's what makes up part of her great charm.

      But coming back to you, Nellieanna. Please refer to Sheepy with the name he/she deserves. He/she is not a common noun, but a proper noun as in Sheepy.

      If I am going to sit hands... er... hand and cloven hoof across the table, it must be with someone with panache.

    • Becky Katz profile image

      Becky Katz 5 years ago from Hereford, AZ

      Hahaha, Nellie, You are bad.

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 5 years ago from TEXAS

      No one has said it, so I shall. B-A-A-A-. After all, I'm qualified, as one who grew up on a sheep and goat ranch, stomped shorn wool down in the big gunnysacks to be sent to market, and grew to equate objectionable odors as smelling "sheepy"! The lanolin was lovely for the skin, though - especially in that scorching sun.

      But, Ian, dear - I'm wondering how easy it would be for you, regardless of the charming smile or fine dinner, since I've perceived you to be a person of elegant tastes to whom sheepy wouldn't appeal much, I'm thinking'. May depend on the dryness of your skin, which being in England, may not be an issue for you, though. Otherwise, a good smelly sheepy embrace could do wonders for any latent wrinkles coming on!

    • Twilight Lawns profile image
      Author

      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      Ha ha ha ha!"

      I'll try, Nikki.

    • Nikkij504gurl profile image

      Nikki Wicked 5 years ago from Louisiana

      lol hahaha! dont be too easy, some sheep like a challenge.

    • Twilight Lawns profile image
      Author

      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      Nikki. so long as she was pretty and had a nice smile, I think we could spend some time together.

      And if he were attentive and took me out to dinner, and knew how to treat a person properly, I think the same goes.

      I'm fairly easy, or perhaps you have heard that.

      Ian

    • Twilight Lawns profile image
      Author

      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      Attagirl, snakeslane!

    • snakeslane profile image

      Verlie Burroughs 5 years ago from Canada

      I thought this would be one of those 'Don't ask, don't tell' situations...

    • Nikkij504gurl profile image

      Nikki Wicked 5 years ago from Louisiana

      haha and what would you do with a sheep if you found one...? lol

    • snakeslane profile image

      Verlie Burroughs 5 years ago from Canada

      Is that you Auntie Em?

    • Twilight Lawns profile image
      Author

      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      Is that you, Dorothy?

    • snakeslane profile image

      Verlie Burroughs 5 years ago from Canada

      oh my!

    • Twilight Lawns profile image
      Author

      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      Try 'Ovis Aries, I Love You' a deeply sensitive poem concerning first love, and undying love, written for Animal Lovers' Day.

      Penned by none other that Tom Mould, in honour of his beloved Betty.

    • snakeslane profile image

      Verlie Burroughs 5 years ago from Canada

      I'm a bit puzzled by the sheep thing, but that's ok.

    • Twilight Lawns profile image
      Author

      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      I'm not sure if the subconscious thinks o am Quentin Oulde-ffarte this week or Nigel Plantagenet-Featheringstonehaugh, or even Tom Mould, but time will tell.

      I know when I see the next flock of sheep.

    • snakeslane profile image

      Verlie Burroughs 5 years ago from Canada

      Yes, the subconcious will do most of the work for you if you let it, I agree.

    • Twilight Lawns profile image
      Author

      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      Snakeslane, I am a stubborn old bugger, so watch this space.

      I am usually blessed, and you would not believe how often I get my way. Give me a telephone and a mission, and I could get everything I want.

      I think God must really like me, or else He has a great sense of humour.

      A little of both, possibly.

      But in relation to writing, I am the slowest writer you can ever imagine, but I think my subconscious sorts and prepares, because I seldom edit.

    • Twilight Lawns profile image
      Author

      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      I'm glad you liked it, Nikki. That's the way my mind works.

      Better than hanging around street corners looking for friendly sheep, I suppose.

      Come again, you are always welcome.

    • snakeslane profile image

      Verlie Burroughs 5 years ago from Canada

      Oh man, I'm embarrased now missing the beat on the toilet seat, such dense writing, I really don't know how you do this TL, I write so sparingly. Just a thought. Sorry didn't go so well re the lift. Hope you're managing, try not to worry. Regards, snakeslane

    • Nikkij504gurl profile image

      Nikki Wicked 5 years ago from Louisiana

      You come up with the funniest names. and situations that Mr. Oulds-ffarte got into. "Nurse Smythe was complaining. Well, she would, wouldn’t she?" and the part about the toothbrush really made me laugh. funny stuff.

    • Becky Katz profile image

      Becky Katz 5 years ago from Hereford, AZ

      Either that or "He is out of his mind!"

      They might get you a stair lift but I don't think they care about your Victorian decor.

    • Twilight Lawns profile image
      Author

      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      Hi Becky and snakeslane. When she asked me what they could do for me, I said that I wanted a lift that goes from the ground to the first floor and back. I said I wanted a Victorian type lift with wrought iron doors and sides... just like in Grand Hotel or something.

      She turned to me and gave me a look which, roughly translated, said:

      "Bugger off!"

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      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      Hi Becky and snakeslane. When she asked me what they could do for me, I said that I wanted a lift that goes from the ground to the first floor and back. I said I wanted a Victorian type lift with wrought iron doors and sides... just like in Grand Hotel or something.

      She turned to me and gave me a look which, roughly translated, said:

      "Bugger off!"

    • Becky Katz profile image

      Becky Katz 5 years ago from Hereford, AZ

      Good luck!!!! Love ya, you old coot.

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      Verlie Burroughs 5 years ago from Canada

      I found your Twilight Lawns plc site Twilight Lawns. Good Luck with therapist.

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      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      Hi, Becky. My friend has gone to North London for a couple of days, and now there is only your comment to address.

      When she was here there were about twenty... Ha ha ha!

      Occupational therapist is coming in an hour... wish me luck. Or conversely, with her luck!

    • Becky Katz profile image

      Becky Katz 5 years ago from Hereford, AZ

      You are entirely welcome. I found it with no problem.

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      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      Oops! Thanks Becky.

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      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      OK (says he with the Hub Police gazing malevolently over his shoulder).

      Meet me at http://twilightlawnsplc.co.uk

      Your obedient servant,

      Hilda Plantagenet-Featheringstonehaugh

    • Becky Katz profile image

      Becky Katz 5 years ago from Hereford, AZ

      You can put a copied link in the contents. I have done it before.

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      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      Read you hub. So sad and disturbing. A lot of thought provoking stuff there. I don't think I'm there yet

      Oh and to the previous suggestion, put a .co.uk at the end.

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      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      try a http:// in front of it

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      Verlie Burroughs 5 years ago from Canada

      Nothing came up Googled, will try again with www later, but right now time for a nap. All this commenting is bloody hard work!

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      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      Snakeslane, have you searched for twilightlawnsplc on Google. I don't think we are allowed to put URLs on/in Comments. I going over to 'Two sides to Every Story' now.

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      Verlie Burroughs 5 years ago from Canada

      if you will pardon the pun.

    • snakeslane profile image

      Verlie Burroughs 5 years ago from Canada

      You obviously haven't read my 'Two Sides to Every Story' Hub, but maybe you won't want to now if you've reached saturation point.

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      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      Punished by a "Higher Authority" , Snakeslane, because I write about the elderly, the halt, the lame, those with Alzheimer's Syndrome, incontinence, flatulence etc..

      Maybe God has said, "OK Mate, you laughed... Now it's someone else's turn to laugh".

    • snakeslane profile image

      Verlie Burroughs 5 years ago from Canada

      you mean punished by having all these girls visit? Or punished with a bad score?

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      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      I have a feeling that I am being punished for publishing 'Twilight Lawns plc'. Maybe someone "in charge" has am elderly aunt in a care facility and that I should have been a bit kinder with my sense of humour (?).

    • snakeslane profile image

      Verlie Burroughs 5 years ago from Canada

      Awww, I have a home care worker friend who would come to stay with you while you convalesce in a heartbeat.

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      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      Mesdames, I am honoured that you have put pen to paper in memory of this poor old sod. I am missing on going out with the people who Annie (my chum) has come to see and so will on going the Savoy theatre Tomorrow and the Ritz for tea... all because I am awaiting an Occupational Therapist who will, do doubt, tell me that I will need a commode!!!

      Sod, bugger, poo!!!

    • snakeslane profile image

      Verlie Burroughs 5 years ago from Canada

      My Everyman's Thesaurus of English Words and Phrases published in Great Britain 1952 has all those words (JM Dent & Sons third edition 1982.)

    • snakeslane profile image

      Verlie Burroughs 5 years ago from Canada

      oh you are awake Mr Lawns don't mind us we've hijacked your Hub. Those are hard won words, work it lawns! Hahaha, sorry, your story brought out my evil twin.

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      Verlie Burroughs 5 years ago from Canada

      Thanks Becky Katz. That Kindle sounds neat. I should get one. The built in dictionary is handy. I read hoping to learn something new, but usually I just fall asleep and forget what page I was on. Eventually some of it sinks in.

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      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      Snakeslane, I had to seek recourse thrice to my lexicon in pursuit of a lexicon when in search of fuliginous fardels, gonfalons and lippitude.

      And found myself in triple confusion.

      Attagirl!

    • Becky Katz profile image

      Becky Katz 5 years ago from Hereford, AZ

      Oh, I noticed and was chuckling at a few of them. A few I knew, surprise, but I have looked them up before. Your industry when reading for pleasure amazes me. I love my Kindle because it has a Dictionary which can be accessed with a push of a button.

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      Verlie Burroughs 5 years ago from Canada

      Hi Ms Nellianna, I'm so happy someone, especially you picked up on the verbiage I so industriously worked on to match the peculiarities of the subject matter. Most of those words came out of a book I was reading by Lawrence Durrel. I started to make a list of words he used that I didn't know and it was a very long list.

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      Nellieanna Hay 5 years ago from TEXAS

      I know, Becky - sniff, sniff. Wanna borrow Sunnie's hanky?

      Thank you, Sunnie. That is so generous of you! Mine still has a few blows left in it, though. Looks like we all need to lay off teasing Ian, though, since he has company and is forced to multi-task even to reply. We don't want to burden him, poor darling.

      Ian, we understand - and should have remembered this expected visit! (memory slips first, they say) Hope you're N-joying! Nothing like old friends! Hope it's easier to read comments for you now than to write them! We're tending the store for you. . . . Snakeslane's kitty is keeping all rodents at bay.

      Snakeslane, we'll save you front seat when he's back to his 'normal' place at the front of the conservatory. After all, we've been hogging the space on here, not realizing he wasn't even able to read our clever comments! He'll be underwhelmed when he gets back to them and in need of your interesting - uh - vocabulary! (sez she, ruffling through her dictionary. . . . - fuliginous fardels? gonfalons? revendication? lippitude? Well, at least I know linsey-woolsey - or can figure it out in context! ;-)

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      Verlie Burroughs 5 years ago from Canada

      Oh, oh, better save this bit I wrote for later Twilight Lawns, took me an hour to write it.

    • Twilight Lawns profile image
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      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      Sorry if I haven't been around for a couple of days... I have my friend here who has just come to visit from Australia and she wants to catch up with conversation for a long period.

      You may notice that I am somewhat incoherent as she is talking to me now and I am finding it hard to concentrate.

    • snakeslane profile image

      Verlie Burroughs 5 years ago from Canada

      just one last word in his defense, could it be his lippitude that's occaisioned this linsey-woolsey response from the parishoners?

    • snakeslane profile image

      Verlie Burroughs 5 years ago from Canada

      i rest my case.

    • snakeslane profile image

      Verlie Burroughs 5 years ago from Canada

      after all twilight lawns community and congregation should no longer have to truckle to his truculent trulls, especially leaving the toilet seat up. has this man lost all revendication to decency?

    • snakeslane profile image

      Verlie Burroughs 5 years ago from Canada

      and as a deterrent to further grabbling at least take his gonfalons away...

    • snakeslane profile image

      Verlie Burroughs 5 years ago from Canada

      dear mr lawns, wanting to comment, but cat will not leave my lap. cat weighs upward of 14 pounds and has lodged his furry self between me and keyboard so no caps available. i hope the missing old fart is found and duly flogged for his fuliginous fardels.

    • Becky Katz profile image

      Becky Katz 5 years ago from Hereford, AZ

      I am so heartbroken that he would think so ill of us. We are such sweet, unassuming girls (ahem) who only want to help our dear friend out. I can't understand how he could think such things of us.

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      Sunnie Day 5 years ago

      I believe you Nellie! hahahaha Here dear..use mine..I only blew once!

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      Nellieanna Hay 5 years ago from TEXAS

      Hrumph! So that's the thanks we get for trying to help out and furnish valuable services and suggestions! To be taken as teases! To be rejected! Oh, woe is me. I'll be cryin', yes I shall. Oh, sob. Boo hoo!m (peeking out of my kerchief to see if it's having an effect. . . )

    • profile image

      Sunnie Day 5 years ago

      That is why we love you so much..You appear to be an old bugger, but underneath all that buggerness..(not a word) is a very sweet man!

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      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      Becky and Sunnie, you have seen right through my disguise,

      Grr.

      Ha ha!

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      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      An I know nuthin about birthin babies, Miss Nellie.

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      Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      I actually thought of a dumb waiter, Becky. Obviously great minds think alike.

      (Fools seldom differ).

      Ian

      x