This Ufo-02 Detector Saved My Life
This little beauty saved my life!
For nearly a month, I was losing time at night. The next morning, a couple cans of Unicorn Meat and some SoBe's would be gone. Obviously, the aliens were abducting me and stealing my supplies for the apocalypse. Over two weeks, nearly half my supplies had been taken. I picked up this little UFO-02 Detector detection device in hopes it would help me catch the buggers who were stealing my time, and supplies.
I Give it 5 Stars!
Stay Hydrated When the Zombies Come!
The Detector Worked Like a Charm
As soon as the detector arrived, I set it up and that night it paid for itself. I tried to stay awake through the night to watch the device. But I fell asleep. Normally, I can sleep through a train wreck. For some reason (I suspect some magic rituals used in creating the UFO detector) flashing lights and loud beeps woke me from restless sleep. I heard talking near the foot of my bed as I came to. They were debating whether or not my new device was going to cause a problem. Not sure what to do, but knowing they hadn't killed me yet, I pretended to sleep.
“If it wakes him up, the memory eraser might not work.”
“Humans are great at deluding themselves, he'll just believe he's dreaming.”
“What if he doesn't think he's dreaming? What if he tells others? It could jeopardize the whole plan.”
“Nonsense. No one will believe him. Besides, we only need two more treatments and he'll be ready to harvest.” I realized later they were speaking another language. Apparently, I had heard it enough to learn the language even though I couldn't remember it. After that, an intense blue light surrounded me, then everything went black again.
I'm Pretty Sure They Had Bill on Board Too.
The Last Night
I guess being awake did mess up their memory eraser, because I remembered everything the next day. Not just the conversations. They also poked and prodded my body like they were checking fruit to see how ripe it was. Then they injected me with something. While they did this they laughed about how humans think the injections are bug bites. As they were finishing, they said that the next time would be the last. They would harvest all my internal organs for my time plasma.
After they put me back in my room, they used a flashy red light, then the blue light one more time to put me to sleep.
Anyway, when they came for me the next day, I was ready for them. I set up booby-traps in my room and bought hairspray (the kind LeRoy told me works best on aliens) to keep by my bed. Lemon scented, of course. As they came in the window, the canned peaches worked like a charm. Splashing all over their heads, the peach syrup got into their equipment and their eyes. As they stumbled forward covering their faces, the red vine rope wrapped their feet nicely and took them to the floor. I got up and grabbed the hairspray. A third alien was coming in the window. I threw my pillow at the third one, knocking him into the un-sprung lemon-scented Pinesol trap (the lemon smell is like pepper spray for the nose on aliens). Then I ran up and sprayed the first one with the hairspray. A high pitched screech pierced the night as he melted rapidly.
To make a long story short, I fought until I had melted all three of them. It took weeks to clean the alien goo out of the carpet. Fortunately, the lemon scent stayed around for months.
Thanks to this little UFO detector:
- I was spared a grisly fate being harvested. I still have my time plasma.
- My zombie survival supplies are safe.
- I gained some new toys. (Let's just say people can't be mad at you for what they don't remember. Plus, sweet ride!)
Those dirty harvesters won't be back for ME anytime soon!
Thanks to the makers of this life saver!
Have YOU Ever Been Abducted?
(Read as quickly as you can for effect.)
Cole has no affiliation with the UFO Detector, Unicorn Meat, or SoBe, or William Shakespeare. This piece is both personal opinion, and a bunch of hooey for fun. Cole cannot be held personally responsible for any UFO's that make it past the UFO Detector. Neither can he be held responsible for any gastrointestinal distress caused by eating unicorn meat. Last but not least, all products listed are subject to the copyright held by their respective owners and in no way should be treated as though they care about the opinion of some random schmuck who wrote a silly opinion piece full of humor. I'm pretty sure Shakespeare would smile at a little silly parody though.That joker poked fun at everything.
© 2013 Cole Ikerd