Un, Oh! Trouble in Asphalt Gridiron
“we will play the Pats (New England Patriots) again in hell or play them in Haiti and . .... .we gonna win!”— Mike Mitchell, Pittsburgh Steelers
"Thank you, “Bruce Kloud, . . . ."
for that exciting Weather 24/7 Update,” now for Sports . ..” And folks, I can tell you this: we really have a couple of “hot” athletes: Danica Patrick and Aaron Rodgers. I would go on record and tell you, even after a pot of black coffee, that Rodgers and Patrick are making mouths fly open and eyes are growing wider even as I speak.
Just who in thunder is Aaron Rodgers and Danica Patrick? Rodgers, the Green Bay Packers QB, plays a regular, 17-week NFL season—a total of 256 games, while Patrick, who drives in the Indy Car Series, competes from March 11 through September 16 and is not only hectic, but very dangerous.
For Non-Sports Persons, Aaron Rodgers was the back-up quarterback behind Brett Favre for the first three years of his NFL career, Rodgers became the Packers' starting quarterback in 2008 and led them to a victory in Super Bowl XLV after the 2010 NFL season; Rodgers was named Super Bowl MVP. He was named AP Athlete of the Year in 2011,as well as being voted league MVP by the AP for the 2011 and 2014 NFL seasons. Rodgers has led the NFL three times in touchdown-to-interception ratio (2011, 2012, 2014); twice in passer rating (2011, 2012), touchdown passing percentage (2011, 2012), and lowest passing interception percentage (2009, 2014); and once in touchdown passes (2016) and yards per attempt (2011).
For the Persons Who Follow Racing Sports, Danica Patrick is an American professional racing driver, model, and advertising spokeswoman. She is the most successful woman in the history of American open wheel racing—her win in the 2008 Japan Indy 500 is the only women's victory in an Indy Car Series race and her third place in the 2009 Indianapolis 500 is the highest finish there ever by a woman. She competed in the series from 2005 to 2011. In 2012, she competed in the NASCAR Nationwide Series occasionally in the NASCAR Sprint Cup Series.
On the surface, the two look slicker, hotter than the first Corvette to roll off the Assembly Line in Detroit, MI., but looks can, and do deceive. Pay close attention, Little Red Ridin’ Hood. It’s not the Big, Bad Wolf who causes the most bloodshed, it’s the Lumberjack. Read the book.
Aaron Rodgers can easily be compared to “Joe Willie,” Namath aka/ Joe Namath, Sure-fire QB from Bama, grabbed up by the New York Jets and made history on a lounge chaise sitting with eyelids half shut beside a picturesque pool by some Big Money Motel, saying “on Sunday, we (the Jets) will win . . .I guarantee it,” and they did. Defeating the then-Baltimore Colts 16-9—and I wish that I had a buck and a quarter for the many times that one phrase (“I guarantee it.”) has fell of the lips of dim-witted bullies wannabe’s and those hungry losers who have lost their last ray of hope. And to be honest, some who have said the “I guarantee it,” boast, have taken huge bites of Success while others have let their alcohol-numbed lips stammer the phrase and go on to suffer defeat on a higher scale. There is no such thing as Magic.
Not in sports. Not in the Entertainment Business, and certainly not in Romantic Venues. Watch it! Be my guest. Aaron Rodgers and Danica Patrick, although moon-eyed and twinkles filling their eyes, for now, “will” split quicker and faster than the cheapest of sheets found in some dusty shelf on a Kmart. Watch it! I dare not play the Jester here. Or play the Idiot who “only” talks and never sees results. These two “lovers” in separate sports with separate schedules will not work. But if you are waiting for me to lay down a foolish cash challenge, don’t. I don’t have the cash and know better
But I Will go on Record
and join NFLs Pittsburgh Steelers, safety, Mike Mitchell, who said recently, “we will play the Pats (New England Patriots) again in hell or play them in Haiti and . . .we gonna win!” Very synonymous with “I guarantee it,” wouldn’t you say?
I do. And I will be watching Mitchell when his Steelers face the Pats. Then when we hear or read from Aaron Rodgers say the press,”we love each other—and our plans are to explore our relationship and see how deeply our love can go,” and he will say this with his famous “Riverboat Gambler” smile he wears when he is executing a Play-Action pass when his Packers are routing the Cleveland Browns.
And to be fair with Danica Patrick, she will say in a hectic press conference just after she wins the 2018 Indy 500, and after taking, a big swig of “that” iconic glass bottle of milk, wipe her mouth, then say, “I love Aaron a lot more than I do racing in this broiling sun (giggle. Giggle). But don’t make a mistake, we’re more like soul-mates and, well, (giggle), we just belong together.”
And since I personally do not think a one of you believe the (two paragraphs below), I am not going to use the term, “allegedly.” Have you now noticed how cultured that I have grown to be in my last two weeks’ sabbatical?
I’m no love expert, much less a love guru, but it doesn’t take Ann Landers or her sister, Dear Abby, there are way too many things going against Rodgers and Patrick to even consider having a full and lasting relationship. I know it. And you know it.
Let’s look at their individual talents. On Sunday’s, (some) Thursday and Monday nights, he has to put on a ton and a half of safety equipment—pads, helmet, and short pants. Then he runs behind a line of his compadres, one who will hand him a football between the legs and Rodgers will either give the ball to another player called a “back” or throw something called a “bomb” to another player called a “wide receiver” and hopefully run for 10 or more yards to get a First Down.
With Danica, all she has to do is dress in a heat-retentive suit, put on her helmet and sit down in a very tight place and wear a shoulder harness and seatbelt while enduring 500 miles of pure heat and gasoline fumes trying to pass other cars and avoid being hit with the other cars—needless to say, Danica’s choice of sports vocation is very dangerous, but depending on which place she ends up at race’s end, it can be very lucrative for her.
Rodgers’ has a contract signed by the Green Bay Packers’ CEO, General Manager, Head coach, Mike McCarthy, Rodgers, his lawyer, agent, the Packers’ lawyer and press agent that will pay Rodgers in the neighborhood of $3.5 million bucks a month and that doled out to weeks adds up to a great bunch of cabbage.
But when two people fall in love, the area of the couple’s income has been the root of many couples to call it quits due to one of the partners making more money than his or her partner and then a big fight or two will ultimately develop due to harsh jealousy and then the other argument about the one who brings home more money being more popular than the other and he/she begins to feel inferior. Oh, don’t worry, the Mother of All Love Troubles is headed right toward Aaron and Danica.
Normally, “the” Mother of All Love Trouble first bites the Male of the man and wife relationship. I will try to be delicate as much as humanly possible. It will not take too long before, let’s say that Danica will win a lot of races in 2018 and bring home more loot than both she and Aaron Rodgers has seen and like I said previously, her family, friends, and fans start showing her more attention for being so talented in winning so many races, while Rodgers looses a string of games and causes the Packers’ Head coach, Mike McCarthy to be very concerned. “Aaron, is there a problem at home?” McCarthy asks Rodgers in total confidence.
Rodgers, who is very close to McCarthy, trusts McCarthy like both are born brothers, says in a low voice, “Mike . . .I’m having, uhhh . . .trouble, uhh, (cough, cough) in bed,” and looks at the floor in shame.
“Oh, you have trouble sleeping? Hey, those nine losses, uhhh, don’t sweat it, Aaron. You are a talented quarterback, just shake if off . . .”
“No, Mike! I mean, (cough, cough), “the” area of mine and Danica’s “Bed time,” and it’s, uhhhh, NOT sleeping! Get my drift?” Rodgers saying very irritated.
“Ohhhh, I see. Well, try to see your nine “crucial” losses from my side of the pasture. I had to put in your back-up and pull this season out . . . otherwise, hey, I might have my butt being packed out to work somewhere else. Son, it wasn’t personal,” McCarthy advises truthfully, pats Aaron on the back and walks away.
Although Aaron Rodgers appreciates McCarthy’s great advice, “that” seed has already been planted. That day when his team lost by four TDs thanks to Rodgers’ audibles causing the team to lose valuable yardage and then their opponents win.
Then the Packers’ fans. They were accustomed to being happy and supportive, but when Aaron started losing so much, they turned on him—yelling nasty things, “Get Out of The Game, Aaron!” and “Resign!” among other harsh signs being shown to him in the stands. Some fans even toss empty beer bottles and cans on him as he and the Packers run into their locker room. Good thing that Aaron kept his helmet on. Those rocks and bottles thrown by angry Packers’ fans can really hurt.
The Final Straw is when a few of Danica’s close couples drop in to their lavish home for a quiet, casual get-together. Just the thing, thinks Aaron Rodgers. Yes. A good time with Danica and friends may be just the trick to pull me out of this slump.
Looks like Aaron Rodgers has not only called too many audibles, but has counted his chickens before they hatched. From the first Dry Martini and a friendly handshake, every thing said in Aaron and Danica’s quiet, casual get-together is either “to” Danica or “about” Danica.
Here are but a few examples:
- “Hey, Danica! Tell me just how YOU had the sharp sense of judgment to pass No. 9 in that last curve. What a move!”
- “Nice going, Danica! Great race! Oh, hi, Aaron.”
- “Are you going to be on the covers of Sports Illustrated and TIME next month?”
- “Oh, Aaron. Would you be a dear and go freshen my cocktail.”
- “Danica, were you born driving one of those fast cars at the Indianapolis 500?”
Before long, the more quiet, casual get-together happen, the less that people even ask about Aaron Rodgers, but he is not unwise in telling anyone about his “problem,” so he just mopes about the house while Danica goes to work—testing new fuels for her new racecar and doing more TV commercials than ever before. What hurts worse is that Packers’ Head coach, Mike McCarthy has stopped calling him to see how “things” are going—but even with Rodgers telling lies about him being fine and can come back and salvage the season, falls on McCarthy’s deaf ears.
And now, you still think that Rodgers and Patrick can have a long and lasting relationship?
Just remember that when you hear of them breaking-up, that I told you so and you heard it here first.
© 2018 Kenneth Avery