By Tony DeLorger © 2011
Why do I seek to undermine your will, when what you want enlivens me still? You give me cause to reconsider my harmful ways, my penchant for contention and self-destructive days. My quarrel rests alone with me and my motives are thin at best you see, for you represent the love inside, struggling with life to be free and alive.
I am not complex or clever, just drowning in the weather, too blind to acknowledge the gloom of my carriage. My struggle is blighted by fears and I’m slighted, I feel myself slipping and in blood I am dripping. I hurt you so careless when I see your distress, and I act like its deliberate when my heart is a mess, but you and your sacrifice seeing my better side, always of patience imbued with your innocence.
Why do I push away all who surround me, when I want is to be accepted, nurtured and you proud of me. What is this wall I’ve constructed to hide behind, and cut myself off from salvation of kind, my rebellion a farce and driven by fears that you will discover my blood-soaked tears? My powerless living is prone to break down, my stubbornness relenting and fast losing ground.
I know I will fall down my cracks are now wider, I struggle like a fly in the web of a spider, knowing the end is about to impart, the lesson of death too late for new starts. All I ask is forgiveness for the weak, your strength and understanding a model for the meek. And I with my knowledge and experience sound can barely see sky or the life that abounds.
For I’ve lost my will to engage and aspire, yet you remain standing, encourage and inspire, and all I can do is to revere your good sense, your vision and stubbornness to never relent. What faith you have in a lost soul like me, to see through the hurting and be willing to be, the brunt of my carelessness and internal release, your hand always outstretched your heart to appease.
I think you have given me a reason to go on, the love that you nurture how can it go wrong, if I can but hold a fraction of your heart, perhaps love will well in me and I can impart. I think I see a light so far distant but there, and maybe if I accept it a life I can share. My visions are dark now but my soul seeks escape, I pray that my decision has not been too late. So hold me close as I walk toward light, and say nothing of past just sanctify sight, for you are the reason I cling to my life, with hope in my heart and I know you are right.