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Usain Bolt Stole My Cell Phone (Allegedly) - A Sonnet of Less Than Shakespearean Proportions

Updated on August 17, 2016
Can you please give me back my cell phone, Mr. Bolt?
Can you please give me back my cell phone, Mr. Bolt? | Source

A Word of Disclaimer

In the glory days of Bubblews I used to dabble in poetry a bit, but this is the first time I have decided to tentatively try my trembling hand at the lyrical art form on Hub Pages.

This idea to write a sonnet was inspired by our mutual friend John Hansen, otherwise known as Jodah, that man from the land down under who you better take cover from when he gets his poet's pen cranking in high gear. He recently published a sonnet here, and this prompted me to try my hand at it.

Although I am not a stranger to poetry, I am a stranger to following its strange, boring, complicated rules. From what I have investigated about the sonnet and the iambic pentameter style that is used to populate its verses, there are strict guidelines to this form. A sonnet should have 14 lines in four quatrains, with each line composed of ten syllables. I have tried to capture the iambic pentameter rhythm here, but if my rhymes don't bounce like they should please be patient and go easy, because I am a virgin.

William Shakespeare wrote 154 sonnets in his lifetime, but this is my first one.

I wrote this poem as an exercise in time-killing frivolity while sitting in the doctor's waiting room with my wife. I wanted to bounce it off her first but she wasn't game, so I am using you as my poetry guinea pig. When your own wife prefers reading pharmaceutical pamphlets to hearing your verses, try something else.

The theme for this poem was inspired by Usain Bolt, the amazing Jamaican sprinter. As a disclaimer, I will state right here in the beginning that I do not believe Mr. Bolt really is a cell phone thief. I am not accusing him of any sort of criminal behavior whatsoever. Olympic announcer Bob Costas says Usain will not even exceed the speed limit in his automobile. This idea simply occurred to me in a light bulb flash when I watched him win 100 meter gold again night before last. After his victory he was mingling among his adoring fans, taking phone selfies with them. Some people interpret this behavior as arrogant, but I do not. I believe that Mr. Bolt is exceptional at what he does and he is a happy man who likes to have fun. He does not put himself upon an unreachable pedestal, but likes to get out there among the people and mix it up.

But what would happen if Usain Bolt accidentally went home with one of his fan's cell phones? What would the consequences be, indeed, if in the excitement of Olympic victory he inadvertently went back to the locker room with dozens of cell phones that did not belong to him, wrapped up inside that giant Jamaican flag he carries around? I'm not saying it would ever happen, I'm just saying it is an entertaining exercise in abstract thought.

Here then, is my first official sonnet. I hope it meets the guidelines. Only 153 more to catch Shakespeare.

The Bolt strikes the pose!

Usain Bolt points to his secret (alleged) cell phone stash in the sky.
Usain Bolt points to his secret (alleged) cell phone stash in the sky. | Source

Usain Bolt Stole My Cell Phone (Allegedly)

Five-ring flags fly o'er Earth's delegations

Redeemer's arms spread wide on distant heights

Frowning judge calls runners to their stations

Sprinters leap at the gun in headlong flight

A bolt surges past his defeated foes

Drapes island banner yellow, black and green

With phone in hand he strikes his selfie pose

Then jogs down track to greet the fans yet seen

Lightened pocket begs for my inspection

Loving spouse turns 'round to hear cries unleashed

She swoons from news of my phone's defection

Report this outrage to Rio police!

Denounce the crime for which he must atone

For Usain Bolt just jacked your new cell phone!

Would you trust Usain Bolt with your cell phone?

See results

Three Straight!

Contrary to popular reports, Usain Bolt does not run in iambic pentameter
Contrary to popular reports, Usain Bolt does not run in iambic pentameter | Source

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