It is Valentine’s Day and I am yearning for you. It is just not fair, and I am so empty without you.
Dear missed one,
A thousand red petals can never speak the words I have, the feelings that linger and the warmth that I miss. And I wonder aimlessly about one thing. Indeed, how can one word turn your life upside down? How can a simple naïve person’s mind comprehend the weight of that word? Perhaps when love kicks in our brains are put on hold and our hearts take control of our body making us acts on instinct. Love can wreck your world or make you see the world through a different lens. And you have granted me that gift.
It is true that we don’t appreciate something until we lose it. I didn’t understand that saying until I woke up one day surrounded with bleak silence and empty handed. And I remembered that I had a nervous breakdown. Yet I never felt that empty until the beautiful world that you created for me faded: the golden twilight, the dances we shared under the moon with nothing on our minds, and every single moment with your body next to mine, that was an outstanding dream. That dream crumbled and burned to ashes when you faded away and painful reality kicked in.
Now looking at that cigarette burning itself to ash, I feel like it resembles our hearts. Connected as one, our hearts supplied love, life, and oxygen. And for once, I swear that I was alive: NO more emptiness to claim my heart, no more itchy silence to wreck my patched up boat, no more alone sleeping trying to fend off the cold demons of the dark. And for once I felt that my world was whole and every single miserable detail or memory in my life has been smudge with some bright color of gold and blue. You are the hue of my universe.
“My sunshine” I do miss those words of yours and I do miss your presence. I do miss you so much that it hurts to breath without you. Sometimes I feel like I am betraying you, living in this world when in fact you aren’t. It has been one year since you’ve died in battle and it feels like it was eternity. Ironically, it feels like seconds ago we were floating aimlessly with our hearts connected together.
It might sound childish to some but I have started writing to you hoping to find some peace of mind maybe even closure. Instead, I have found myself defeated by my own emotions and always in tears. But what can I do?
My soul cries for you like the soil that yearns for the rain, like the rose that yearns for the sunlight, and the man who years to witness the satisfaction on his lover’s face as he hands her that rose. It is Valentine’s Day and I am yearning for you. It is just not fair, and I am so empty without you.