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Updated on November 4, 2012

By: Wayne Brown

As soon as government opens for business tomorrow…if we can use that term loosely, and I mean really loosely, I must make contact with the Center for Disease Control down in Atlanta, GA. You see, recently I made this chance discover of a fever of sorts that is taking its toll on the female gender of America. This is literally happening right beneath our noses out in plain sight yet it seems to have gone totally unnoticed by at least the male gender until now. I am sure the CDC will want to take action right away just as most government agencies do in these serious times.

If you go back before the time of the transistor radio, you might remember a time during the late 50’s when a circular piece of plastic hit the toy market. It was called the “Hula Hoop”. A simple device which seem to offer hours and hours of pleasure to kids, especially the young girls who twirled and wiggled inside these twisting tubes for hours…mostly in the front yard out by the road where they had previously twirled batons and pretended to be in the marching band. There’s something about performing acts in the front yard that really appeals to the female gender. Anyway, that was back during the dark ages before we had things which moved on their own. It was a ways back in the time when an imagination was required it order to make use of toys. Who would have ever believed that such a simple device as the “Hula Hoop” could resurface in this day of electronic gadgetry? Well, I am here to tell you that it has sports fans…and it has returned with a vengeance.

My sweet little wife has been infected with this new fever. Just last week she ordered her own customized weighted hoop which comes complete with a DVD showing all the various styles and tricks which can be performed with this beautiful decorated circular work of art. All this for one low price of $64.95! What! Now you see why I call it a fever. Obviously it swells the brain and causes one to fall into a state of disconnect. It also causes delirium as that is how she sounds each time she begins talking about the exciting possibilities of “hooping”.

I am told that grown women gather in groups in secret out of the way places where they spend hours with these hoops under the tutelage of an instructor who shows them all the possibilities. Those who speak of it do so in vague terms and never mention names or places yet they are literally giddy with excitement and unable to wait for the next gathering. Rumor has it that the hoops are custom made for the height and weight of the person and that one can also get custom-made hoops for isolated activities like working the arms or legs independent of the body. I have even heard that the more upscale and talented hoopster often sports a hoop with luminous qualities. Based on what I have heard, the possibilities are endless and the end result from all that hooping is inspiring. There is absolutely no mention of males being either infected or involved with these activities. Apparently, the male carries a gene which allows the species to fend off the attractions of the hoop and not suffer the fever.

It has been said that the highly talented hoopster can actually dance in place while keeping the hoop spinning about their body. Apparently, this is one of the foci for all that training that they do. Once they become skilled at this so-called “art”, the group shows up unannounced at various events which music is offered and provides their hula magic to those in the watching audience. Of course, like a plague, the fever from those appearances spreads to other women in audience and the infection grows greater in magnitude with each passing day.

I am really wondering whether or not the CDC can come up with an effective inoculation which will knock out this fever before it peaks in the victim. Can you imagine having a room of hula hoops all different in their size and design with prices tags that rival a used car? Given the fact that we are in a recession of some sort at the present and gasoline is sky high, when hoop fever strikes the ladies don’t give a tinker’s damn…they are going to get just one more new hoop! I could see this been looked at as some form of addiction which will call for a network of support groups like “Hoopsters Homogenous” to evolve.

This whole movement is fronted on the idea that one will have fun and lose weight while doing it. Now I don’t know about you but I remember trying the hoop and failed at it miserably. I spent more time picking the thing up off the ground than I did with it spinning on my waist. I became pretty well convinced that women have some kind of extra bone or muscle which allows then to spin these things about them for hours on end. Males apparently are incapable of such feats. I see this as being far more serious than the suggestion that a neighborhood might be populated with “Stepford Wives”…mindless robots on a mission. Could the Hula Hoop simply be an excuse for women holding secret meeting to decide what they should do with the male species and when? It’s got me thinking and I am wondering if I should go ahead and identify a safe house.

I am told that the Hula Hoop concept dates back all the way to the 5th Century. In the 13th Century, the Scots used it in some of their religious ceremonies. When I read that, the hair stood up on the back of my neck. Now I know there is something going on. Mattel did not just decide to bring this device alive again to make a buck…no Sir! No, this situation runs far deeper than your average retail transaction…this could be a cult or a conspiracy mask in the idea of fun and a healthy lifestyle. I always figured there was something more that was drawing the girls to join the pom-pom team…now, I’m sure of it! Lord knows, I heard that some women are lighting these things on fire and twirling in them. Now there’s your cult influences!

Could it be that history might someday record that mankind was turned into a mindless twit with the aid of the Hula Hoop…that women became so addicted to the hoop-dance that they no longer cared for the male of the species and left him to his own miserable demise? Much like a drug addiction, it became the center of their life…all they cared about was hooping hour after hour. There was no time for work, no time to be a soccer mom, no time for PTA or that bake sale down at the church. Women hooping in the front yard had become a common sight peppered throughout the neighborhoods of America. Finally, one day, the addiction ate through the fabric that was America and the nation collapse…on its own Hula Hoop.

You do what you want but I am going to try to get my wife some help before she has too much of this Jim Jones Kool-Aid. I could never forgive myself if she were abducted by some roving band of hoopsters who took her to a far-away land to use and worship the hoop. I think that if her mind was functioning properly, she would want me to save her. Maybe I should consider burning that new Hula Hoop right now before the addiction sets up. What do ya think?

Fanaticism in any form scares the living daylights out of me. I have seen the damage fanatics can do when they are deprived of those things that they desire most. Given that women make up about half the population of the globe, can you imagine what the devastation would be like if all of a sudden the vast majority of these women are addicted to the hoop and the global markets cannot meet the demand. I am thinking global rioting and I am pretty sure the male species would get the blame for the shortage in the process leading the women to consider having them beheaded. Hell, that’s enough to get my butt in gear and start working on a solution. Otherwise, us men only have one other choice…transgender surgery…and quick!

So when you see one of these designer devices, do not look upon it and gaze at its innocence and beauty. Think of all the destruction and chaos that it could possibly wreak upon the world if it continues unchecked on its present course with the American male totally unaware as to what is going on. Then, when you get your jammies on tonight, drop down on those knees and say a little prayer that the CDC can come up with a cure for this fever.

©Copyright WBrown2012. All Rights Reserved.

4 November 2012


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    • Wayne Brown profile imageAUTHOR

      Wayne Brown 

      5 years ago from Texas

      @Vincent Moore....My wife, Barbara, has been to two classed now. She has come home hit in the head, bruised, and sporting blood blisters on her shins. Never in my childhood do I remember anyone injured by a hula hoopa! LOL! She is finding that the perfect exercise comes with a price. Thanks much, Ken....good to see you around. ~WB

    • profile image

      Vincent Moore 

      5 years ago

      Like the Yo-Yo fade back in the 60's the hula hoop was also as popular. I remeber both, I had a sequenced yo-yo and learned all the tricks, like walking the dog, fly wheel, swing to heaven and more. We use to have yo-y0 contests on the street corners. The hula hoop brought out the beauty in a woman's hip movements, with the mini-skit and colored hoops those girls attracted so many of us guys wherever they were hooping. We had at least half a dozen hoops around the house, different colors and weights. I was pretty good with the hoop to, but now I don't think I could make one turn. LOL...great write my friend...enjoy your visuals.

    • Wayne Brown profile imageAUTHOR

      Wayne Brown 

      5 years ago from Texas

      @50 Caliber....I must have been lost in space when those two came out. I would love to have one today....probably highly collectible. I can see where they could be quite effective in countering the hoopsters! LOL! Thanks much, Dusty. ~WB

    • 50 Caliber profile image

      50 Caliber 

      5 years ago from Arizona

      Bwahahaha, Wayne, old son, I busted up on this one, quite clever and proof folks will buy any thing.

      I didn't fool around I contacted the CDC by phone and they sent me videos of weapons to knock the hooper out of orbit, seems they got Kurt Russel to promote the heavy duty blow your sisters ear drums out model!

      Take a gander! All the kids had them when I came home from being an actor in theater the first 13 months, so I guess maybe 1965?

      Voted all up,


    • Wayne Brown profile imageAUTHOR

      Wayne Brown 

      5 years ago from Texas

      @teaches12345...Some continue to struggle against the chains. But, given last night's outcome, I am betting that the devices will not be allowed inside the gulags! Thanks much! ~WB

    • teaches12345 profile image

      Dianna Mendez 

      5 years ago

      Wayne, hoola hoops are just not for some people, especially those who have lost their ability to bend -- age sets in and you might as well just give it up! Funny and always enjoy reading your posts.

    • Wayne Brown profile imageAUTHOR

      Wayne Brown 

      5 years ago from Texas

      @Gypsy Rose Lee....I can lose weight just watching the hula hoop videos! LOL! I could never make them work very long either...lots of frustration! Thanks much! ~WB

    • Gypsy Rose Lee profile image

      Gypsy Rose Lee 

      5 years ago from Riga, Latvia

      Voted up and funny. You lost me on this one. Sure I know about the hoola hoop I also know they say you can knock off pounds with it but I even hated it as a child. Luckily I don't have one and I don't want one. I figure at my age my husband just has to settle for me as I am and if I can lose weight somehow I will. Good luck and I hope this fever doesn't attack you. Just keep on writing. Great videos.

    • Wayne Brown profile imageAUTHOR

      Wayne Brown 

      5 years ago from Texas

      @Ruchira....We can only hope! Thanks much! ~WB

    • Ruchira profile image


      5 years ago from United States

      I have also heard its one form of exercise. I am sure your wife will give justice to the money she spent over her custom made hoop.

    • Wayne Brown profile imageAUTHOR

      Wayne Brown 

      5 years ago from Texas

      @rfmoran...Can you believe...this was going on right under our noses. LOL! That latest iPhone App is really giving me a workout! Thanks much! ~WB

    • rfmoran profile image

      Russ Moran - The Write Stuff 

      5 years ago from Long Island, New York

      Who knew? I was unaware of this craze and it's -probably a good thing. Perhaps we guys can get infected too. Looks like a lot healthier that the latest Iphone app.

    • The Frog Prince profile image

      The Frog Prince 

      5 years ago from Arlington, TX

      Wayne - They may be out treating last minute sheeple for serious koolaid addiction. Try again after the election :)

    • Wayne Brown profile imageAUTHOR

      Wayne Brown 

      5 years ago from Texas

      @The Frog Prince.....Odd, they're not taking my calls or returning them. Could it be that they already know the futility of this unstoppable fever???? To quote Bugs Bunny, "Hmmmm...couldst be, Doc! Thanks much, TFP. ~WB

    • The Frog Prince profile image

      The Frog Prince 

      5 years ago from Arlington, TX

      Wayne - Brother a man has to do what a man has to do! I listened intently as your sweet little wife was explaining this new disease Saturday night. I scooched back a little trying to make sure it wasn't contagious. Let me know that the CDC says buddy. I have enough problems as it is.

      The Frog

    • Wayne Brown profile imageAUTHOR

      Wayne Brown 

      5 years ago from Texas

      @Ericdierker...Oh No! A guy who can make a hoop work for more than 60 seconds...a rare find! LOL! Sounds like you started at the grass roots level and learned the skill in the early days. Thanks for the good words! ~WB

      @rcrumple...A great little verse you have concocted here...maybe a poem for a hub, huh? Thanks much, Rich! ~WB

    • rcrumple profile image


      5 years ago from Kentucky

      Wayne, I recall a time passed by, when these were enjoyed by girl and guy, different sizes they for one and all, we'd hoop a while then let them fall. In yards they'd grace multi colors bright, and hid in grass way outta sight, until one day the mower hit, and father threw a hissy fit. "What is this thing" we'd hear him say, "this hula hoop with which you play." We'd show him how around our hips, it'd spin and spin and give him tips. Finally then he'd give a try, our hula hoop in times gone by.

      Remember them well, sir. Can't believe today's pricing though. Great job!

    • Ericdierker profile image

      Eric Dierker 

      5 years ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

      Ah Hah! My wife much younger and not available during the last century craze got her multicolored perfectly weighted hoola hoop. Closer to $100 but came with a big funny ball. I nipped it right in the bud and showed her how to do it. Now it sits in the screen room, more a toy for our toddler.

      PS Wayne I started with a ring that helped keep the huge wooden barrels together, of course the real prize was the Frisbee that came off the bottom of the barrel. Great article thanks for being such a great writer.

    • Wayne Brown profile imageAUTHOR

      Wayne Brown 

      5 years ago from Texas

      @Jackie Lynnley....Well, I have to admit that I do enjoy the curves pervert that I am! LOL! Just don't get too fanatical on me & post some pics! Ha! Thanks much~ WB

      @Levertis Steel....Standby...I have to scoot out to the garage and see my new sports car...didn't know I had one yet! You make a good point....keep on hoopin'! Thanks much. ~WB

      @lrc7815....Yes, it certainly is. Even way back in 1959, Mattel was turning out 20,000 of those hoops a day as the demand grew. I can't remember what they cost but it is certainly a pittance compared to today. Thanks much, Linda! ~WB

      @drbj....I am amazed at how little they move and still keep those things going. I equate it to the old plate spinning acts we use to see on Ed Sullivan...I couldn't do that either. I suppose I not well enough coordinated to be a fanatic! Thanks much, Doc! ~WB

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 

      5 years ago from south Florida

      I do remember the hula hoop, Wayne, and I couldn't work the dang thing then and I have no desire to try again. But I do admire the talent of the two young ladies in the videos you shared. They do know how to shake their respective bootys. Or is it booties!

    • lrc7815 profile image

      Linda Crist 

      5 years ago from Central Virginia

      This was great fun Wayne. I doubt the CDC will be much help as it's a marketing craze that is working well. You know it's all about the money. lol Good luck though.

    • Levertis Steele profile image

      Levertis Steele 

      5 years ago from Southern Clime

      You wrote, "Maybe I should consider burning that new Hula Hoop right now before the addiction sets up. What do ya think?"

      I think you should leave well enough alone unless her hooping is really an obsession that is putting a strain on marriage and family well being. Many men have worse things to complain about. If you truly feel that your wife should give up the hoop, then it would be fair for you to give up time out with the guys, that old saxophone that gives her a migraine, your golf clubs, or that new sports car. Fair enough?

      I feel the urge coming on! I believe I can still hoop. I think I will buy one just for old times.

      This is such a great, unique hub that comes with memories that cut a smile on my face. Thanks for sharing. I am voting up and clicking good buttons.

    • Jackie Lynnley profile image

      Jackie Lynnley 

      5 years ago from The Beautiful South

      Wow I am glad you wrote this. I found a hula hoop this summer ( a really good one with some weight) and had forgotten about it! I need to dig it out for holiday exercising. I love those things. You know you want us to keep the curves, and what better way? ^

    • Wayne Brown profile imageAUTHOR

      Wayne Brown 

      5 years ago from Texas

      @fpherj48...Yeah, I've been known to do a dumb thing or two but I have not yet reached that level of stupidity, Paula! LOL! Thanks much! ~WB

    • fpherj48 profile image


      5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      What do I think? Well, Wayne, you had to ask, didn't you? I think this sounds like awesome fun, in addition to a great new creative way to keep in shape!! Your wife is one smart cookie. She knows that it all makes perfect sense and adds a bit of zip to otherwise dull exercise routines!

      We women are entitled to our fun, freedom and FEVERS.

      While I know your entire hub was written as humor and it sure did make me laugh........I also" think." don't want to burn her hula hoop, Wayne. We all would miss you so!!...LOL.....Up+++ & shared.


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