WHAT'S ALL THE HOOPLA?
By: Wayne Brown
As soon as government opens for business tomorrow…if we can use that term loosely, and I mean really loosely, I must make contact with the Center for Disease Control down in Atlanta, GA. You see, recently I made this chance discover of a fever of sorts that is taking its toll on the female gender of America. This is literally happening right beneath our noses out in plain sight yet it seems to have gone totally unnoticed by at least the male gender until now. I am sure the CDC will want to take action right away just as most government agencies do in these serious times.
If you go back before the time of the transistor radio, you might remember a time during the late 50’s when a circular piece of plastic hit the toy market. It was called the “Hula Hoop”. A simple device which seem to offer hours and hours of pleasure to kids, especially the young girls who twirled and wiggled inside these twisting tubes for hours…mostly in the front yard out by the road where they had previously twirled batons and pretended to be in the marching band. There’s something about performing acts in the front yard that really appeals to the female gender. Anyway, that was back during the dark ages before we had things which moved on their own. It was a ways back in the time when an imagination was required it order to make use of toys. Who would have ever believed that such a simple device as the “Hula Hoop” could resurface in this day of electronic gadgetry? Well, I am here to tell you that it has sports fans…and it has returned with a vengeance.
My sweet little wife has been infected with this new fever. Just last week she ordered her own customized weighted hoop which comes complete with a DVD showing all the various styles and tricks which can be performed with this beautiful decorated circular work of art. All this for one low price of $64.95! What! Now you see why I call it a fever. Obviously it swells the brain and causes one to fall into a state of disconnect. It also causes delirium as that is how she sounds each time she begins talking about the exciting possibilities of “hooping”.
I am told that grown women gather in groups in secret out of the way places where they spend hours with these hoops under the tutelage of an instructor who shows them all the possibilities. Those who speak of it do so in vague terms and never mention names or places yet they are literally giddy with excitement and unable to wait for the next gathering. Rumor has it that the hoops are custom made for the height and weight of the person and that one can also get custom-made hoops for isolated activities like working the arms or legs independent of the body. I have even heard that the more upscale and talented hoopster often sports a hoop with luminous qualities. Based on what I have heard, the possibilities are endless and the end result from all that hooping is inspiring. There is absolutely no mention of males being either infected or involved with these activities. Apparently, the male carries a gene which allows the species to fend off the attractions of the hoop and not suffer the fever.
It has been said that the highly talented hoopster can actually dance in place while keeping the hoop spinning about their body. Apparently, this is one of the foci for all that training that they do. Once they become skilled at this so-called “art”, the group shows up unannounced at various events which music is offered and provides their hula magic to those in the watching audience. Of course, like a plague, the fever from those appearances spreads to other women in audience and the infection grows greater in magnitude with each passing day.
I am really wondering whether or not the CDC can come up with an effective inoculation which will knock out this fever before it peaks in the victim. Can you imagine having a room of hula hoops all different in their size and design with prices tags that rival a used car? Given the fact that we are in a recession of some sort at the present and gasoline is sky high, when hoop fever strikes the ladies don’t give a tinker’s damn…they are going to get just one more new hoop! I could see this been looked at as some form of addiction which will call for a network of support groups like “Hoopsters Homogenous” to evolve.
This whole movement is fronted on the idea that one will have fun and lose weight while doing it. Now I don’t know about you but I remember trying the hoop and failed at it miserably. I spent more time picking the thing up off the ground than I did with it spinning on my waist. I became pretty well convinced that women have some kind of extra bone or muscle which allows then to spin these things about them for hours on end. Males apparently are incapable of such feats. I see this as being far more serious than the suggestion that a neighborhood might be populated with “Stepford Wives”…mindless robots on a mission. Could the Hula Hoop simply be an excuse for women holding secret meeting to decide what they should do with the male species and when? It’s got me thinking and I am wondering if I should go ahead and identify a safe house.
I am told that the Hula Hoop concept dates back all the way to the 5th Century. In the 13th Century, the Scots used it in some of their religious ceremonies. When I read that, the hair stood up on the back of my neck. Now I know there is something going on. Mattel did not just decide to bring this device alive again to make a buck…no Sir! No, this situation runs far deeper than your average retail transaction…this could be a cult or a conspiracy mask in the idea of fun and a healthy lifestyle. I always figured there was something more that was drawing the girls to join the pom-pom team…now, I’m sure of it! Lord knows, I heard that some women are lighting these things on fire and twirling in them. Now there’s your cult influences!
Could it be that history might someday record that mankind was turned into a mindless twit with the aid of the Hula Hoop…that women became so addicted to the hoop-dance that they no longer cared for the male of the species and left him to his own miserable demise? Much like a drug addiction, it became the center of their life…all they cared about was hooping hour after hour. There was no time for work, no time to be a soccer mom, no time for PTA or that bake sale down at the church. Women hooping in the front yard had become a common sight peppered throughout the neighborhoods of America. Finally, one day, the addiction ate through the fabric that was America and the nation collapse…on its own Hula Hoop.
You do what you want but I am going to try to get my wife some help before she has too much of this Jim Jones Kool-Aid. I could never forgive myself if she were abducted by some roving band of hoopsters who took her to a far-away land to use and worship the hoop. I think that if her mind was functioning properly, she would want me to save her. Maybe I should consider burning that new Hula Hoop right now before the addiction sets up. What do ya think?
Fanaticism in any form scares the living daylights out of me. I have seen the damage fanatics can do when they are deprived of those things that they desire most. Given that women make up about half the population of the globe, can you imagine what the devastation would be like if all of a sudden the vast majority of these women are addicted to the hoop and the global markets cannot meet the demand. I am thinking global rioting and I am pretty sure the male species would get the blame for the shortage in the process leading the women to consider having them beheaded. Hell, that’s enough to get my butt in gear and start working on a solution. Otherwise, us men only have one other choice…transgender surgery…and quick!
So when you see one of these designer devices, do not look upon it and gaze at its innocence and beauty. Think of all the destruction and chaos that it could possibly wreak upon the world if it continues unchecked on its present course with the American male totally unaware as to what is going on. Then, when you get your jammies on tonight, drop down on those knees and say a little prayer that the CDC can come up with a cure for this fever.
©Copyright WBrown2012. All Rights Reserved.
4 November 2012