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Updated on September 30, 2012

Broken, lonely, confused and in despair is where you will find me. Running away from what I thought was love and marriage to a family that no longer has a place for me. At least it seems. What can I do for this constant lump in my throat, the heart broken into pieces that lies within my chest; where can I go? There are too many wrongs that I can't seem to right. There are too many pieces of me scattered. The wheels in my mind are constantly spinning. My world is turned upside down! Where is the love he promised me? What happened to our happy home; he PROMISED me that he would never leave me alone. Oh, I guess his words were just lies and he was just another piece to this puzzle called my life. Another piece, I cannot make fit. Broken dreams, promises and lies is all I have or is it? Should I reach for my HIGHER POWER and ask to start anew? Questions, they will not leave me alone! I can't sleep, I can't eat! I'm broken to no end. WHERE?!! should I begin again! Sometimes this life seems too much to bear; If nothing else, WHY SHOULD I CARE. This is my cry for help because I am like an spinning top; going in circles not knowing where or when I will stop.

I am determined to make things right! I must do this or end the fight. I am so tired and my soul is restless, WHEN Dear Father, should I take my last breath! I sit in silence and watch the madness that surrounds me, hoping and praying to be free. Should have I remained in a broken marriage and suffered? Should I? NO! I RATHER DIE! Maybe I should have listened to the warnings of this menace; now, I am caught in a snare and no one cares. They smile and treat me kindly; but their eyes are questioning why I returned. I turned my back on them, this I know; but doesn't it matter I MADE A MISTAKE and have asked for their forgiveness. I hear my mother's prayers and I know she wants to forgive me; but my SIN will not let her be. HOW can something sacred as MARRIAGE cause such a rip?! She saw it and I would not listen; I turned my back on her and now she's dealing with her pain.

PLEASE, can we go back to the way it was; I NEED YOU MOMMY; I need your hug!! I need to know that I am forgiven and I can put this past to rest. I NEED the peace found laying in your arms while I hear the beats of your heart for me in your chest. TIME RESET! Make this all disappear, I am lost to this world and all I have left is fear. I've done everything but crawl and beg; should I be like a little child wrapped around her legs? I see her wanting to reach out and crab me; but then I pulled back because I know, I do not deserve her forgiveness. I've done too much, I can't move on! My sister treats me like I am some contagious disease, my brother is who knows what; my grandparents have questioning eyes. OH, PLEASE HEAR MY CRIES!!! I am desperate and I need HELP; this is my plea to an GOD I left. How much should I suffer before you hear my cry or is it that I need to die? I am only 22 and I made a serious mistake; why can't they hear the pieces of my heart as it breaks? Do I, should I, Will I? Do I have the courage to say it's time to die?


Copyright 2012



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    • SweetMocha-Monroe profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago

      I know MsDora and I have read your hub "The Daily Devotional Walk Through The Sanctuary?", it was very say the least. God has renewed His "Invitation" with me and I HAVE ACCEPTED. Thank you for your kind words and guidance. As I have mentioned before this was an experience during my twenties and with my daughter being in the same situation I wrote of the same struggles in my life. I am blessed to have lived through it all! Thank God I am now 47 and no longer exhausted from being in my twenties. Many parents make the fatal mistake of not identifying with their childrens' struggles when in fact it's a vicious circle handed down from them to their children. This hub was my attempt to let my daughter know.....SHE IS NOT ALONE AND SHE WILL SURVIVE :)!

    • MsDora profile image

      Dora Weithers 

      6 years ago from The Caribbean

      SweetMocha, "underneath are [God's} everlasting arms." He bears you if you let Him. He hears your cry and I hope you can listen long enough to hear His response. May I invite you to read my most recent hub "The Daily Devotional Walk Through The Sanctuary?" It will help.

    • SweetMocha-Monroe profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago

      THANK YOU :)

    • SweetMocha-Monroe profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago


    • sasanka7 profile image


      6 years ago from Calcutta, India

      It is very pleasant to see that you are able to overcome all the odds in your life and did not do any mistake like a defeated soul. Thanks for sharing your experience.

    • SweetMocha-Monroe profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago

      Thank You Sofs :)

    • sofs profile image


      6 years ago from From the land of wonders

      All of us make mistakes.. sometimes big sometimes small. No mistake is worth losing your life over. Courage is in being able to accepted your mistake, forgive yourself, turn a new leaf and look for way to keep yourself in a positive mode. Maybe it would help to know there are many younger woman like you but do not even have the kind of support you have.. do something for them..

      All I would like to tell you is all things are truly painful at that time you go through them..but life goes on... and a few years from now you will see things differently.

      Best wishes to you... God Bless you.. may He give you the wisdom to do the right thing!

    • SweetMocha-Monroe profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago

      Juliet, Rahul, and Knowmenow...Thank all of you. This was somewhat of a FLASHBACK from when I was 22. I survived this stage in my life; but it was a time that distressed my spirit and my child is going through something similar and it made me flashback to the pain and turmoil of my mistakes. I am happy to say, I am now 47 and did not succumb to my mistakes; but survived and moved on. My family is back together and my mother and I are better people from the experience. Thank you for the outreach and love; it is very appreciated. ;)

    • Juliet Christie profile image

      Juliet Christie Murray 

      6 years ago from Sandy Bay Jamaica

      You shall not die ,you will not die you cannot die .You have the courage to write it out and more so to place it here.

      Have you forgiven yourself.

      If you have forgiven yourself then God can. Mothers do carry the load of shame and embarrassment for their children deep in their hearts they do love them


      There seem to be some underlying behavior which even you have not come to grips with and because of this you believe your mother cannot forgiven you. What ever mistake you said you have done in marriage it is time to begin to let go and start your life again.

      If your mother is still angry then let her be, you cannot live your life and her life.You are now 22 and an adult.

      Give your mother time to heal she will come around some day ,but you cannot remain in limbo waiting for her forgiveness to become a happy individual again.

      Tell yourself

      To day is now ,tomorrow may not come, I owe it to myself to be happy for this moment.Take up your bed girl and walk. go and sin no more lest a worst thing come upon you.

    • rahul0324 profile image

      Jessee R 

      6 years ago from Gurgaon, India

      In agreement with knowmenow. Sometimes god asks for time to heal and mend the wrong choices made. Life can go haywire with the choices you make. The point is realizing and moving on! It's difficult i know! But difficult is another term for life isn't it! All the best to you in your effort to right the wrongs. :-) If you need a helping hand you can always ask!

    • Knowmenow profile image


      6 years ago from Saint Louis ,Mo

      I think you need to give this up to god , let go and live things will go in place as it was before in due time. pray to god and asked him every day to forgive you for your sin and he will( he already has) you have to forgive yourself as well. keep your head up your family will come around.. :)


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