White Shoe Syndrome
By: Wayne Brown
As much as you might not want to believe it, I was emotionally damaged as a child. It was a psychological damage I suffered as a young boy and it scared me for all of my days. I have tried my best to work through it but there is no real cure. I can only suppress the terror for a short while then there will come a reminder that will send me spiraling out of control into the pits of emotional uncertainty once again.
As a small boy, I found myself frequently surround by large women who for some odd reason constantly wore strapped and heeled white shoes. Along with these hideous trotters they normally accessorized with a matching purse. I was immediately injured by my first viewing and it only got worse as time went on. I would hear these women ask each other, “How do you like my new dress?” New dress, hell lady, nobody sees that dress not with that set of white shoes you got on. Why you look like a racehorse that has been trotted out on the racecourse all prettied up with those white stocking feet. Does anyone own a mirror?
Easter was just a fright for me. It seemed to be the one time of the year when every woman on the face of the earth showed up in white shoes. They were glowing, shining, strapped, high-heeled, flats and even the occasional pair of Mary Jane types. For God Sakes, somebody call an exterminator and relieve us of this infestation. Was I then only one to notice. Were the males around me blind and insensitive to these harsh adornments upon these women’s feet? I must say if so they hide it well. Me, I was frantic and closed my eyes in the hope that it would disappear.
Then I heard there was this fashion law that said it was okay for women to wear white shoes between Easter and Labor Day. That’s a real long time and it will virtually ruin your summer if you suffer from this agonizing syndrome as I do. Obviously, these women were fond of flaunting this fashion statement in my face. It was like they knew. They knew I was suffering and they enjoyed. Some were bold enough to violate the boundaries of the law only to show up and catch me by surprise in what I thought was the “off-season”.
When I began to seriously date the girls, I must admit, I could not overlook my affliction. I could be head over heels with some babe and she shows up for our date in white shoes. I was much like Jerry Seinfeld. All my potential loves owned white shoes and I could not hold it in. I needed to scream those caustic trotters adorned their feet. I was beginning to think I was a man doomed to spend my life alone hiding in fear of these white gators who menaced my life.
I couldn’t shut up about it. It seemed when I met someone that it just blurted out of my mouth. “I hate white shoes!” I would quickly point out. The girls who were seriously considering me as their life partner drew back in fear. Some realized that they were in too deep. They had a closet full of my worst fetish. How long could they live a lie? How long could they keep the story straight? What would they wear with that little yellow dress if not their white shoes. No, my fate was sealed…they ditched my butt and kept their shoes…selfish bitches.
Now, I am not a fashion clerk and some might even call me a “fashion jerk” but I do have a sense of what looks good on a woman. I can tell you one thing for sure, white shoes don’t go with anything except maybe a public hanging. The movie, “Steel Magnolias” contains a line that aptly fits in this situation, “The thing that differentiates us humans from the animals is our ability to accessorize.” There should be a lot of truth in that statement but the white shoes continue to give the animals an edge.
Think about it. Have you seen any women dating men in white shoes lately. Have you seen any wives allowing their husband to be out on the street in white shoes. Now, I am not talking about tennis shoes. I’m talking alligator hide Puerto Rican fence climbers shining like a diamond in a goat’s ass. Men in white shoes are generally label as used car salesmen and require their hair to be processed into an Afro style prior to hitting the streets. It’s not the women keeping the men from it. It’s just too much work for the men.
Anyway, back to my suffering. After all that is the subject of this paper that I have so generously decided to write and submit for inclusion in next month’s “Psychology Today” publication. Maybe then my affliction will be given some legitimate status in the medical community and not treated like something those in the medical field would associate with battle fatigue. Oh, I am fatigued all right! I am sick and tired of seeing white shoes!
You ladies need to read this again and make some notes. I firmly believe there are others out there of the male persuasion who suffer from this ailment yet they are not willing to come out into the light and talk of their suffering. Instead they hide in the fashion shadows and continue to date women who show up in their white shoes. Oh God! How they must have suffered enduring in silence the glow of those ghostly white trotters so immaculately overpowering every other fashion accessory adorning these female delights. They are out there and if you watch closely, you will see them cringe each time a pair of white shoes walks into the room.
My ailment plagues me greatly at the moment for we are in that ‘high season’ between Easter and Labor Day in which the white shoes are a flyin’ much like the pollen that reddens our eyes and itches at our nostrils. I can only hide in the house with the blinds drawn, hold up impatiently awaiting Labor Day. Pray for me. There is no cure and no relief.
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