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Updated on February 21, 2012

Were They Ever Loved?

I came to a really amazing place a while ago when I was spending time with someone who adored his mother. The stories he started to share with me and the laughter in the room made me realize how important it is "to be loved" when people are young...Those emotions, feelings and knowing that someone loves you is "key." If a person is never truly "loved" how could they be capable of ever loving anyone else? Isn't it true that "kindness" brings on more kindness and "hatred" brings on more hatred? Think about it. Especially if a man never bonded with his mother or whoever was the female nurturer (adoptive parent, grandmother, family friend) during his formative years? This also pertains to women also, but for right now I would like to talk about men because of my past experiences.

I went back in my mind to past relationships and started to remember issues that may have happened because of a few men (some I knew as boys) I know and their "disconnect" with their mother when they were younger. When I think about it, the best relationships I ever had were with boys/men who were close too and truly loved and nurtured by their mother or grandmother. The boys/men that had unstable relations with their mother had communication issues and very deep seeded anger that would appear whenever we hit some sort of "relationship roadblock." It would come out in all sorts of ways during arguments or "out of nowhere" when communication would shut down (now I understand "why") or when they had no place to put their anger. They expected me to make everything better because they were not capable of doing it themselves so they would just do "nothing." Afterall no one ever loved them enough to show them how to make things "better" or to just be "loving." No one ever showed them how to "love someone and show them by staying there and not walking away."

Without going into personal details about people I know, I will say that my longest and most difficult romantic relationships were spent with boys/men who hated their mother's and I always ended up taking care of them and then leaving them in the end because frankly they never gave me enough reason to stay. A relationship can not be based on one person's needs or the woman can not make up for past mistakes that her lover's mother made. It is truly hard to hang onto someone who hates the woman who they were born too or other women also because of the deep root issue. I remember someone in particular who once said the most horrific thing to his mother in front of me and completely disrespected her in every way. Something that a good son who was truly loved by his mom would just never do. I was in shock and Iet him have it in a big way because I knew what it was like not to have one (my mother died when I was young). I knew that he was never loved in that one moment by his actions. Because when you truly "love someone" you would do anything in your power to keep them from hurting. That is what true and honest love is. This I know for sure.....

Extreme Hatred Of His Mother....

I experienced a relationship where the stories I heard about this particular person's mother were "shocking." He eventually left her when he was really young and in his formative years and lived with his father who did anything in his power to make it work but he was never around because of the pressures of his work life. The point is that his mother never cared that he left and this scarred him forever. So even though a person is there for you like this young boy's father was, it does not mean that they are capable of truly loving you or teaching you "how to love." They can provide shelter and food, tell you great stories, teach you good work ethics...but in the end if they never showed you "love" in an affectionate and caring way, you will never be able to express yourself in such a way to someone else. You just "shut down" and leave the one's you love because the "fear" is just too much to take. Your walls are up like a fortress around a castle that guards your heart from love. Afterall you never had it and when it was there, you just couldn't deal with it. I know quite a few men who do this all the time. They never quite get there in the end and always end up alone. It is so sad but they always push the one's they truly love away. They just shut down and move on with their life and they never find true love because they are always running from it.

Children learn by example and abuse can come in different forms even if it is "passive." Not loving someone in a nurturing way can make a person fail in relationships throughout their childhood and adulthood. This I know for sure because I have seen it first hand. Most of them do not have the emotional tools it takes to make things better or to show someone how much they love them. They just shut down and when they realize what they have done, it is too late. Just imagine a movie for a moment when a woman tries so hard to beg her man not to leave her and he stands there "stone cold" like a cowboy while he says "I gotta go." He leaves because he doesn't know any better and he has no idea or will to fix it because the woman or women in his life never cared enough to beg him to stay.

A loving man would never say that and he would do anything "not to go and leave you in such a sad state." Even if he was punished a lot as a kid, you can guarantee that he would come back to his mom (and or dad) in her loving arms and the world would just get "better."

True love never dies because people who were really "loved" knows what it takes to "love the one they are with."

COPYRIGHT 2010-2012

Hub Pages Author - GPAGE

All rights reserved. This material may not be republished, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed in any form or way.


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    • GPAGE profile imageAUTHOR


      7 years ago from California

      Lanalu...thank you for your comment. I think "trust" is the main issue in most relationships. Communication is key also and without that you can not go forward into a loving and nurturing relationship. Thanks for stopping by. Best, GPAGE

    • LanaLu profile image


      7 years ago from New York

      Wow great hub, well written and well thought out... I deal with clients that allow their negative emotions towards their mother interfere with relationships. As a result they seem to find it difficult to trust the person they are in a relationship with and allow their past to influence their present. Voted up

    • Michael Ray King profile image

      Michael Ray King 

      7 years ago from Palm Coast, Florida

      Hi again G! The toughest part for those who know how to get into their heart, how to love freely in kind and gentle ways, it's difficult for them to understand how someone CAN'T love like that. So they shower them with love, and they work hard to set an example they desire returned in kind. Too often, the other person does not receive the love, in fact, often they resent it.

      I've found despair is what I'm left with to the point I must retreat to save myself. We desire that these people know love, but when love is not modeled from youth, it's like you said, "that person is not capable of changing no matter how positive their surroundings..."

      This hub should be massively voted up. It sings to me the truth of relationships I've experiences in my life. I have, indeed, been fortunate with my relationship with my mother and sisters. I had the opportunity to read about your mother. That was some wonderful, poignant writing as well.

      I have no choice but to support your writing - the chords your words strike in my heart seem to always be true a beautifully written. As a writer, I thank you for setting your words out for people to read. I find it comforting to know there are others alive in my lifetime I can connect with.

    • GPAGE profile imageAUTHOR


      7 years ago from California

      THANK YOU MICHAEL!!! One...for being here and leaving a great comment and two for being so supportive of my writing! You are very fortunate to have had such healthy and loving relationships with women while you were growing up. I really appreciate your comment and it is nice to hear positive stories about this subject. It took me a long time to realize that I could not "fix" or take away the pain that was so deeply ingrained in people since they were young. Unfortunately the damage was done. Sad. It is even sadder when you know that a person is not capable of changing no matter how positive their surroundings are. My mother died when I was young, but my father did the best he could. My grandmother was the one that taught me to be a loving a kind woman. Thank you again for being here!!! Best, G

    • Michael Ray King profile image

      Michael Ray King 

      7 years ago from Palm Coast, Florida

      Hi G! As always, well-written, well thought, well felt. I've seen this as well. Every day I count myself massively fortunate to not only know the deep love of my mother, but my two older sisters and younger sister as well. Interestingly enough, I've had relationships with girls/women who were never shown love on any significant emotional level and I have found the same issues you describe with men.

      Of critical importance for parents is to convey a deep and abiding love to their children. In my case, I grew up thinking all girls/women were naturally loving and kind. The reality that this is not true across the board was difficult to understand. The damage done to children today is horrific. Looking at who loved the person you love is indeed something of high value.

      It is so true what you said about boys who are well loved by their mothers NEVER saying over-the-top, harsh, painful words, especially in public. Every family has its tiffs, but to disrespect my mother would be to violate my love for her. The same for my sisters. Unfortunately, everyone has not had the closeness I've experienced, and that is sad.

      I love your Hubs. Again, your writing is insightful, valuable, and enlightening! :)

    • GPAGE profile imageAUTHOR


      7 years ago from California

      Hello Wayne..Thanx for your comment...I was coming from a more emotional place but I do know what you are saying about "over mothering" and picking up after them without ever teaching them to do it themselves.....I saw this a lot in my neighborhood where a lot of families had nannies and maids.....A lot of kids never had to deal with anything in the household. Everything was always done for them. Both my husbands were "picked up" after and believe me it was not fun to live with this!!! I appreciate you being here.....Best, GPAGE

    • Wayne Brown profile image

      Wayne Brown 

      7 years ago from Texas

      There is a lot of truth here and conversely so as well. Mothers who dote every their sons walking behind them picking up the dirty underwear, etc. create a real trainwreck for the wife to be unless she was raised in an environment which dictated that as woman's work...there is still plenty of that out there. My family never really bonded until my sibs and I were adults. I gained a greater appreciation of them because I was the one who went away for months and years at a time. We all finally learned to say, "I love you" outloud and that has become a regular term between all of us. Those feelings and emotions have helped in many other areas of life and they bring a great level of comfort and satisfaction. No one really has parents like "Beaver Cleaver" but we all thought we should have so we were quicke to fault our own...some of us got over that. Good write. WB


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