WWE Bans In-Ring Contact
Coming soon to an event center near you
Hot on the heels of their recent ruling that WWE Superstars are no longer encouraged to "sell," WWE released a memo to their employees that bans all in-ring contact. The memo came directly from Vince McMahon and is set to be put in effect over the next two weeks.
In the memo, McMahon cited his recent lawsuit with former WWE Superstars as one of the many reasons to implement the rule.
"Over the last several years, WWE has been inundated with lawsuits claiming negligence on our behalf. Therefore, going forward, all physical contact during wrestling matches is to be strictly pantomimed."
His memo continued, arguing that WWE fans are no longer interested in the physical aspect of wrestling. Instead, he states that todays wrestling fans are more interested in the storylines, production and characters.
"Quite frankly, it's disrespectful to our fans that WWE still has any physicality. Since 1987, when I invented sports entertainment, we still thought fans wanted to believe that wrestling was real. But today, fans know that everything is fake. This new rule, where we have no physical contact at all, will encourage health, decrease any risk of injury, and no insult our fans by pretending to hurt one another. We are evolving. This is the next logical step in the evolution of sports entertainment."
Proponents of the new regulation tout the new creative avenues that the writing team will be able to use. Stephanie McMahon and company are no longer restricted to the realms of reality. The creative team can now use the power of imagination to create a supernatural universe. Some writers were already salivating at the idea of Kane shooting fire out of his fingertips, while Seth Rollins uses his x-ray vision to see how Roman Reigns diet adds to his massive gains. Additionally, all events, including arena shows, are expected to resemble the 90s SNES staple "Wrestlemania: The Arcade Game." No news on who will be implement Doink's mallet and electric hand, but early candidates are The Miz or Goldust.
Of course, the regulation has its detractors. An unnamed source called the no-contact rule a "farce" and likened it to Barnum and Bailey Circus. In response, McMahon was blindfolded and randomly pointed to 5 office employees and promptly fired them. Maniacal laughing was overheard throughout the entire termination process.
This rule does not just affect the current product. The WWE media department has been working overtime editing the WWE library. Drastic changes have already been made to much of the catalogue on the WWE Network. For example, the infamous moment when Stone Cold Steve Austin passes out in the Sharpshooter at Wrestlemania 13 has been edited with CGI. Austin's former crimson face is now covered in Nickelodeon green slime and Bret Hart has been replaced by a crudely drawn Dilbert.