Warriors and Champions11
Thoughts of Home
The day after we came back into town I found Lizeth sitting outside her home. “Lizeth I wanted to apologize to you. That day we spent at the riverbank I know I upset and I wanted to apologize that night but Rayner stole me away before I could.”
“Apologize for what Ray?”
“For despairing. I know that you were supporting me and boosting my spirit and confidence and it seemed like I tossed it all away. I know that you spoke truth and I know that I need to change my way of thinking but it is hard for me to change that quickly.
“I have thought this way for a long time and it will take time for me to change. I am sorry for hurting you. I never wanted to hurt you and that was not my intent. Sometimes I don’t know how to communicate very well especially when it comes to matters of the heart and mind. Will you forgive me Lizeth?” Lizeth sat there taking in what I had said. It seemed like I caught her off guard for she did not expect the words I said.
“I was not upset at you Ray I was saddened because I could see that you wanted to accept my words and apply them but something was blocking that from happening. I don’t know what happened to you in the past but it has affected you greatly and has been a burden for too long. You have grown weary under its weight and influence. You want to let go but you just don’t know how.
“And now another burden is placed upon you two different sides both vying attention and control over you. Ray you have a choice that only you can choose and either way it will be hard and it will ultimately change your life. There is nothing for me to forgive you Ray for nothing was done to me. However, I sense that there is some forgiveness that you must give to yourself.
“I don’t understand this feeling I have but I feel in my heart that there is something deep inside you that has greatly hurt you and is always gnawing at you, especially when you get into conflicts. You did something you regret and even though the person you committed the transgression on has already forgiven and moved on you have yet to do so. I don’t know how I know this but I know it is true as surely as you are standing in front of me.”
I didn’t know how to respond or what to do. A second person now knew of what I had done even before when I met Neal. This was the first time I had realized that a monster lay inside of me. That was the first time I really felt my Righteous Fury but I had failed to control. Instead it went out of control and I physically exploded. Even as I was in the middle of my swing in the back of my head I knew that I was in the wrong and wanted to stop.
“You are right Lizeth there is something that is blocking me. You have somehow sensed what Rayner saw deep inside my soul when we locked eyes. However there are three choices I have to choose from and not two. The third is what you and Bobby wants me to do. I just don’t know how to let go though. I hope one day soon I can find out how to let go. I also hope that I can give you happiness in the stead of the sorrow that I have given you and that has been thrown at you.”
I gave my leave and went to a tree on the edge of the town where I could think in peace. I climbed it and sat down on a branch. Growing up when I wanted to think in peace I would go to a certain tree and would sit on my branch and would think and ponder. I wondered how many more people would come to know of my past. I was just grateful that no one was judging me.
My mind went back to the time that I really felt my Righteous Fury. That happened what seemed many years ago, in fact just playing my game during summer break seemed years ago a lifetime even. But I was younger when it happened. When I was younger I had quite the temper I lived with a very short fuse. However the people that know me today would be shocked to hear of the stuff that I had done when my top blew off. Most people that see me today would only see a quiet person that was very laid back. But within my family during my younger years I was a different person.
During one of the times my parents went out my older brother was babysitting us. To make a long story short a fight of words broke out. My fuse was shorter than normal and when I saw a younger sibling get pushed around by my older brother my top blew and my Righteous Fury violently exploded.
I don’t know what came over me but I felt my right hand start moving towards my brother’s face. Even as my fist was extending I knew I was wrong and wanted to stop. I felt the power drain from my punch and I mostly missed him and then I just stopped moving and stood there not knowing what to do.
That day I knew my monster was dangerous and kept it hidden and chained from the world. There were times when part of it broke free and appeared from the surface. After things calmed down I just hid in my room in tears afraid of the monster I had become. My rage was a burning inferno and caused some irreparable damage.
That was why I let Neal bully me around and let everyone push me around. I did everything I could do to avoid confrontation. For I knew that if I started down that dark path my monster would be unleashed even if not fully neither for a long time. So I kept it to myself and let the punishment of the world be hurled at me. That was my dark secret that Bobby never knew about and that is why I never did anything about my being bullied.
I never again wanted my monster to be unleashed even if it seemed like a righteous cause. The power I possessed was too much for me to handle and keep in check from harming others. And yet for all my cunning and measures to keep it hidden two people found out. Rayner and Lizeth had seen what I was capable of and what power was inside of me. I never asked for my Righteous Fury but yet for some reason I had it.
I knew that the times when it was unleashed that I had to protect people from harm but because I could not control it my Fury caused more harm than good. Ever since the incident with my brother I tried so hard to keep my monster from escaping. Even though he had forgotten about that incident I still could not let it go.
I wanted so badly to get rid of the pain and sorrow that my monster created but I kept it front of me as a warning. A warning that I had used as a crutch for my weakness and an excuse for the crime I had committed. And it slowly became a block that dammed my ability to grow as a person and truly protect those I cared about, including myself.
Time was running out and I had to find a way to break my block and learn to control myself. In my past I thought that by keeping calm I had gained self-mastery but I had only fooled myself. My so called mastery was nothing more than cowardice. I created a wall that hid my true self and I had stunted my self-mastery and crippled my spirit.
I knew deep down that everything that Bobby, Ashley, Rayner, and Lizeth had said was true. I knew that Bobby and Ashley had seen me as a different person than how I viewed myself. They saw the hurt and the pain but didn’t know what to do. They wanted me to stand up and reclaim the peace that was stolen from me. But because of my block I refused to let peace into my life.
I wanted so badly for Neal to leave me alone and find something else to occupy his time, but more than that I knew that once Neal graduated he would simply find someone else to bully. And I became more enraged with myself because I refused to do anything about it. I wanted to use my Fury and keep Neal from harming anyone else but couldn’t let myself become consumed again by it.
From a young age I had an overwhelming sense of protecting others and keeping the peace. But yet whenever I tried to protect my Fury was uncontrolled and the peace was destroyed. It seemed like no matter what I did protection and peace were two different sides of the same coin and I had to choose between the two. But yet if I chose to do nothing and let myself or others get hurt peace was gone as well. And my rage burned more and more because of what I did or did not do.
It seemed like I was forever in a downward spiral going towards my destruction mentally, emotionally, and physically. I tried to figure out how to protect and keep the peace but I always failed whenever my Fury was uncontrolled by my rage. I knew that I was in the right to fight and yet I let the fight become uncontrolled. My Fury was swept away by the raw rage and temper of the fighting.
And after the dust settled the tears of remorse came and I cursed my rage and Fury and tried to chain the monster again. I was always split in two and could never find the peace within myself. And so with each passing time my monster broke free I built up my block however I now needed to destroy that block and tame my monster.
I needed to find a way to protect those I loved and keep my control. But whenever I thought about unleashing my monster I became scared. Scared of what it might do and what would happen to those around me. I became so frightened and terrified of my monster that whenever I even thought about it I would flee. I had to truly find and learn self-mastery.
But more than that I had to know if I could find and have peace while protecting people I love. I needed to know how peace can be found in a battle. I knew that most people want peace but there are some that can only think of themselves and tormenting others. I had to find out what makes people want to fight and learn how to control my emotions.
I thought about Rayner and the day we first met. He killed the bandits without mercy or remorse and yet within the walls of Norshire he was peaceful and loved to help those around him. He made sure that everyone he loved was protected and had peace in their lives. But I suspected that it took him a long time to find the peace within his heart.
I thought about all the times my monster was unleashed and I knew that I my sense of protection was needed but yet I failed every time to protect. By letting my monster become unleashed everyone around me became a victim of my rage and the problem was never solved. And each time my heart became more and more destroyed by the incidents. I then thought about my current situation and my destiny with Astoroth.
I remembered the dream I had about him and I knew that I had to beat him. And yet I had no idea how to do it. I needed to find a way to unleash my Fury in a controlled manner but the question was how. Mostly every time my Fury was unleashed I was in the right but because my monster was the force that showed I was wrong. I had to figure out how Rayner was able to maintain a peaceful nature when he wasn’t fighting and when he was how he was able to stay in control of his emotions.
I pondered for a few hours and a thought came to my mind. I was thinking a lot about what Ashley had said to me and I wondered a lot about Rayner as well. My thought was maybe I could unleash my Fury and after the situation was over I would still be able to keep my kindness. What if I found a way to tame my monster and use its Fury against my enemies in a Righteous and controlled way? What if I could stand up for myself and after the battle was over go back to the kind person I was?
As the sun started to set I knew I had to figure out how to tame my monster. I needed to find a way to fight but at the end of it return to the kind person I was. I knew without a doubt I was in the right when it came to the war with Astoroth. I had a Righteous cause I was fighting for and I had to protect the people I loved. Time was running out but I climbed out of the tree with a new vigor.
There was still some fear and doubt in my heart but it was slowly fleeing away. I knew I could find a way to tame my monster and use its Fury with control. I went back into town with my head held up high and new found courage. I would fight and win against Astoroth and protect everyone and return still being the kind person I was.
© 2014 RichardBBenson